Logs:A Hell Of A Life

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Cast

Vorpal and Little Fox

Setting

A temporary Spirit Manse in Wissahickon

Log

Vorpal

hey!
so still havent figured out how to do thinkingtexts
but I did do something cool tonight!
are you free for me to come brag?

Fox

It's just me who does the thinkingtexts
unless I do it for you
yeah I can be free
do we need a secret bragging clubhouse for this bragging

Vorpal

would be ideal!
its very impressive braggery

Fox

aight where should I meet you
easier to make a clubhouse where there are fewer people

Vorpal

lets just pick someplace off the path in one of the less popular parks
sound about right?

Fox

Works for me! I'll send you a Maps pin when I find a good spot in Wissahickon

Vorpal

Deal!

And lo, a Maps pin is sent about fifteen minutes later. Fox sits casually up in a tree, well off of any of the beaten paths through Wissahickon, humming to herself. She's got her backpack, she's wearing her peacoat and a pair of battered old combat boots along with her ratty jeans and t-shirt, kept warm by a little handy bubble of Forces magic. Why be cold when you can be a Forces mage?

Fox's casual use of magic might make her Guardian cadremates sigh occasionally, but, consider this: she doesn't have to be cold.

You know what nobody's ever going to question at the meteorological society?

A tiny pocket of somewhat colder air moving through a cold front.

Which makes Johnnie's creative use of a devastatingly potent Contract with the world's worst disasters to, instead, Be Comfortable... deceptively practical.

She's had enough of being cold to the bone- she'd never admit exactly how uncomfortable it is to adopt a different Element. She's far too proud of how clever the trick is, of how useful and interesting her Token is, to openly admit "you know, when I use it, I feel like I've been baking in the sun or freezing my ass off for hours. Every time." No, that's a secret for her and her alone. But having done her time earlier, like hell she's gonna endure something as banal as "cold weather." No! She's a Named sorceress now, and she's proud as fuck, and invoking the cold herself to skip out on paying the thermodynamic bill?

Totally worth spending a few moments cursing out the night and swearing that her own bitter cold will CONSUME ITS OWN like Ourbouros devouring itself!

She lifts a hand and waves as she approaches, spotting Fox in the tree and beaming. There's a tiny hitch to her movement, less a flaw in her elegance and more a reaction to pain and an attempt to avoid exacerbating it. "Evening! How's the weather up there?"

The cold that comes with the approach of Johnnie makes Fox frown, and her hands form a subtle mudra, invoking greater warmth to counter the cold that her approach brings with it. "It got colder for a second, just there, but other than that, it's fine!" Fox slides down from the tree branch and grabs on to it with both hands, sliding down to swing from the branch and drop to the ground lightly. The snow melts slowly around her feet, and she tucks her hands into her pockets.

Her eyes narrow, and she frowns a little bit. "Aight. First of all, clubhouse. Second of all, you can tell me why you're only moving like eighty percent of your usual buttered-dolphins nonsense." She splays her fingers out at her sides, her eyes half-lidding.

"Ah, sorry, that's me. Little trade-off, make a bit of the cold night a bit colder and ignore it myself," she explains idly. "And the other- well. I can answer that during our scheduled round of braggery, can't I?" Johnnie rocks up on her toes, clearly indicating whatever she's dealing with likely isn't on the lower half. She stares, fascinated, while Fox goes through the intricate magical science of invoking her magicks, leaving Johnnie to muse at exactly how it all links together!

There's no immediate response. Instead, Fox's eyes close, and she brings one hand up to touch the intricate carved necklace at her throat. She splays her fingers and curls them in the air, describing intricate patterns, and when her left hand curls through the air, she parts the world like a curtain. Spilling from her lips at the same time, some strange language that he's never near before gilds the edge of the iris shimmering in the air.

Fox lets out a soft, slow breath, and stretches out her grubby hand toward Johnnie as her eyes slowly open again, like a cat's slow blinking.

Jackie slips a hand into Fox's- assuming she's offered the hand without The Ring- her eyes on the writing, studying it, pulling as much of it into her memory as she can, for all that it might slip away regardless. Can't hurt to try.

Not writing, exactly, not words as Jackie would recognize them, but sigils and symbols, glimmering briefly in the air and then disappearing.

Just like the two of them do, as soon as Fox steps forward through the iris. "You can leave whenever you want to," she offers magnanimously. "I keyed the iris to both of us, and just us." It's another quiet little room that Fox has made, a Spirit Manse, a room outside the world. It's no different than the last time Fox made one of these for the two of them to hang out in covertly: small, comfortable, and very green.

Jackie swirls in on Fox's heels and sweeps herself down onto the soft... ground? Floor? She's not sure what it should be called, but it's comfortable and she folds herself onto it, the descent making it clear the wounds- if, in fact, there are any (there are)- are upper body. Still, despite the physical accommodations, her expression doesn't reflect them. "Ah! Well, that's delightful~ A lovely little world all our own." She stretches her legs out and beams. "So."

"Fought a monster the size of a building today!"

The Thyrsus pads in, and stretches her arms lazily. "I'm going to make it warm in here," she declares, as if she has every right to do this. "Did I tell you what this place is, last time we came in here, or did I just treat the spirit world like my own private clubhouse? Which, naturally, I can do, if I want to, I'm making a pocket outside the usual Shadow for myself, but... " Fox shucks off her coat and drops it on the soft, mossy, floor-ground, then unlaces her boots and steps out of those, too, as if making herself entirely at home. "And are you staying hurt on purpose, or would you rather not be injured anymore?" Her gaze is simple and frank as she assesses the way that Johnnie moves.

"Feel free," murmurs Jackie, taking a moment to will her Contract to end. "And no, we didn't go into detail," she confirms, as her shadows shuck off her coat and boots as well, leaving her in a simple tee still punctuated by titanic teeth marks on the one side, and stained with more than a little blood, though it's since stopped bleeding. "Oh! Is this - adjacent to the Shadow? Within it?"

"Oh, hardly. I don't like to flaunt how easy it is for me to coax the Thorns to hand over fruit. It was a choice to remain wounded, but not for a purpose. If you're offering, repair would be welcome, sweetness."

She holds her hands out to the side, and focuses in on her next working. The little room that she's made becomes warmer: it's perfect, really. The same temperature as a Spring afternoon, or perhaps a warm Autumn afternoon when the sun hits just right through all the golden and orange and red leaves. She pads over to crouch down next to Johnnie, leaning over to kiss her cheek in the hello that Jackie didn't get, and then grunts. "It's in the Shadow, yes. I made my own Manse inside the Shadow. I could make a permanent one, but I have chosen to not to, because I like making temporary ones instead."

She examines Jackie's face from right up close, as though that will tell her what she needs to know about fixing her body, and her hands rise again, as if to begin another set of those odd movements.

Perhaps on another, the facial examination might have revealed more- with Jackie, it reveals a faint, pleased blush from the kiss, the too-elegant lean to return the gesture, and... well, not much else besides perfect comfort in the temperature chosen and curiosity at the specific term Manse. "Manse being... what? A personal pocket, keyed as-"

Click.

"Is Maddy's a Manse?"

The blush makes Fox laugh, and as her hands curl the well-known pattern through the air, she leans in to kiss Jackie's cheek once more. That touch comes with a warmth that floods blood and nerves and bone. It couldn't quite raise the dead, but it'd get very, very close. Every wound and hangnail and tiny complaint in Jackie's body gets well and truly erased by the powerful flood of the Life Master's magic.

And then Fox plops down on her backside right next to Jackie, apparently quite content with herself, her green-gold eyes sparkling. It takes her a moment.

"Oh, no, it's not. Similar magic, totally different application. Maddy's exists in the real world. This? Doesn't."

Johnnie sits upright, blinking rapidly. She plucks at her top, looking down at her shoulder with surprise. "That was- tremendously effective!" She considers things for a moment, then gets a particularly mischievous cast to her eyes- subtle, but there. "Fox, sweetie- you made sure to ask me if I minded having that magic applied. Would you mind, if I was able to return the favor properly? You're not harboring any aches or pains, are you?"

"Ah, I see. Darn. It's the entry qualifiers that made me wonder. The Shadow is- fascinating, to be blunt. I wish there were easier ways to get there. I've been studying it, you see. With one of the fuzzy folx. I realized that there's not really- gateways to take into the Shadow, the way that there's gateways into the Thorns, or into the Underworld. The closest I'm aware of aren't gates at all but gaping holes. Is it easiest for you and yours to visit the Shadow, then?"

She tips her head to the side, her black hair skating against her cheek, and blushes brilliantly at the compliment. "Thank you. I'm very good at that. It's very nice to make people feel better." She absently pets her hands over her hair, and then blinks back owlishly at Johnnie. "I... would like to say yes, because you have a look on your face that says that you have a plan. But actually my body heals itself very quickly all on its own, whether I ask it to or not, and as a result I'm almost never in pain, and I don't even age very much compared to most people." A beat. "But you can do whatever the thing is, I guess?"

"No, no, those sorts of qualifiers are possible on all kinds of things, but I can see how you might think that way." Fox flops back onto her back, looking up at the delicate tracery of the protective ceiling that she put on this little Manse of hers. "You mean like permanent gates? No, not really. There are just holes in the world. And... I think it's really about who it is, how easy it is to go where. I know how to get to here because I'm good at ... here. With Spirits and all. If I were someone else, it would be somewhere else." Her hands flop onto her stomach.

"That's a lovely advantage, and certainly nothing to be sorry for," Johnnie asserts, leaning in as if to kiss her cheek in reassurance. Which, of course she does.

In the same moment she reverse engineers the healing magic and shares it back with Fox herself. ((Spending 2 Glamour to mimic the spell exactly with Autumn Mantle 5!))

She watches Fox for her reaction, hoping for surprise, or shock, or something exciting!

"Ah, I see. Perhaps that's reasonable. The living must pass into the realm of the dead, but I don't suppose there's often occasion for Spirits to pass into the realm of the material, is there? It's not really where they belong." A flop beside Fox, eyes up on the same latticed leafy lacework. "I've- ideas. On how to possibly make that a little easier, but- we'll have to see. I don't exactly expect them to come to fruition, but what manner of sorceress would I be if I didn't at least try?"

A sidelong glance at Fox. "You know, you didn't seem very surprised that I fought a monster the size of a building. Does it get more interesting if I mention it had tons of heads and we fought it from the deck of a tall ship?"

What is interesting is that Fox both feels the wash of the magic and seems shocked and confused and delighted and at the same time not that surprised. She squints her eyes and blinks repeatedly. "... that's your magic," Fox says in surprise, sitting up and looking at Jackie in delight and confusion all at once.

"... well. I've... fought... some weird things in my day. And you have made it very clear that you are able to fight lots of things, so... I wasn't... well, to be truthful, I was working on making sure you were healed before I actually - I'm sorry. Tell me the story? Because that sounds like a good one."

Jackie's grin grows wider by the second. "It is. One of the lovely benefits of bringing oneself into harmony with the Court of Fear is you get very, very good at studying How Magick Do. And after a certain point, so long as you've felt the effect of A Magick recently, all it takes is a little push to reproduce the effect." She's- well. She's quite proud to have shocked and delighted the Mage! "It has its limits- it's more like a "Buy One Get One" coupon than a saved copy to replicate later."

Jackie smiles at the backtracking explanation and waves off the apology, shaking her head, beaming. "It's okay. I'm excited enough that there's nothing to apologize for. If anything, I blame myself for not emphasizing the things that excited me, because it's not that I fought it that has me all jazzed, it's that it wasn't my knives that did the work, it was my magic."

She settles back and sets into sharing the tale.

"So. There's this monster, appropriately titled Leviathan, that was bearing down on some allies of ours off the coast, in the Thorns. And rather than give it a chance to lay waste to their home, they wanted to hop on a ship, sail out to meet it on the water in the middle of a hurricane, and fight it out there.

So of course I volunteered to help!

Thing is, killing it wasn't going to be a matter of brute force, I don't think. We could have taken out all its heads, but it kept one underwater as a precaution I think, and the others it was treating as expendable. The kill shot was going to need to be an enchanted spear, through its heart, which was below the waveline. Essentially an impossible shot from the deck of a moving ship, through moving waves, at a moving target.

But I had tricks to fix two of those problems.

So, this thing WAS, literally, the size of a building, all scaled body and chompy heads and stormy magicks. It managed to bite me, as you saw, which was damn impressive, but also meant I couldn't really fuck around. We needed the fight over."

"Sooooo once my tremendously brave Minnesotan Amazon of a girlfriend taunted it enough to just barely, occasionally, sometimes have its chest above the water...

I timestopped almost all the water surrounding it so that it couldn't move, couldn't run, had its heart stuck above the waves, and gave our Captain all the time she needed for a perfect shot~" She beamed proudly, before adding, "Timestopping the water was also tremendously clever of me because only Elementals can affect elements instead of objects, and only the ones they're tied to- but I happen to have a magical relic that lets me switch elements for a while.. It was all very witchy and smart and our allies gave us all wonderful little names for our assistance, plus a share of the magical materials. You may call me Storm-Stilled now, if you like~"

"That is... fascinating," she offers, as Jackie explains about the mimicry she gets. "So, wait, if I wanted to make it possible for you to be able to heal people the way that I do... when you lot go off to fight." She blinks slowly. "That's wild."

She props herself up on her elbows, tipping her head slightly and blushing brightly as Jackie lets her off the hook for being distracted. "I have certain functions in our society, a lot of the time it's like... okay, fix things, eat this spirit, and so on. So when I realize someone is hurt, I assume that's why I've been called." Fox's green-gold eyes squint as she screws her face up and off to one side in a sort of 'oh well' expression.

"Thorns?" Fox asks, and then she pushes herself up to sit, listening thoughtfully to the story. Her smile grows wider and wider as Jackie continues to explain, and she laughs brightly at the description of Sigrun. Who wouldn't? Everyone wants a tremendously brave Minnesotan Amazon of a girlfriend.

"Oh, I love when you have that sort of thing where you stack something you can do on top of something else you can do and it makes you like... ha HA, I am SO clever!"

"Well. A person. And it only stays "remembered" for a while, so. You'd have to basically hand it off right when we got started, but absolutely. Though I think if you did like. An area thing, I could basically double your money by echoing it? Or if you have a trick you HAVE to use on another person, I could route it back to you. Lots of little quirky possibilities!" Gods, but the Elemental sounded proud of all this.

That brilliant blush caught and held Jackie's eyes for a few moments, leaving her smiling quietly. "I get that. Same deal for me except it's more the stabbing side of things. People don't really seek me out because I'm clever or quiet or can go places. Almost always cuz something needs stabbed."

"I don't like using the actual name for the place itself. The less attention I draw, the less people know the terms to ask questions about, the better off everyone is. 'Thorns' is accurate enough that if you know, you'll know, and if you don't, it just sounds weird."

She beamed brightly as Fox keyed into exactly what she loved about this. "Yes!! It's a new thing for me, all my experiences with it before have been, like. Fighting tricks. I've been poring over magicks and such for ages and this felt like coming into my own for the first time since I stopped losing fights." Pause. "Or, well. Stopped losing fights that didn't require me to kill someone in a spar to win."

She considers this and chews on her lower lip. "That's really amazing," Fox answers, her sharp little teeth worrying at her lower lip. "There's like ... nothing like that in our world. If you can do it, you can do it. But there's nothing like... bottling someone else's trick. That's... fascinating."

Fox sits up and leans toward Jackie, listening as she talks. "It's that I really don't know much about your people or your places. I don't know what 'Thorns' means, actually. Lux is very secretive, which is how they are, and so ... yeah. Don't assume I know what you're talking about." Her laughter is soft and a little awkward.

"Well!" She presses her palms together. "I'm proud of you. This seems like a big win for you. What did your Amazon think of it?"

THAT. That surprises Jackie, visibly. "Really? I've got a trick you lot don't?" She preens a little. "Well, now I feel -extra- clever."

"Oh, that's just it, I didn't really think you did. It's like- our version of the Shadow. Only populated with stories instead of spirits. There's more to it, obviously, but. Past that, we start getting into things I oughtn't be discussing, likely," Jackie explains gently. "So don't feel bad for not knowing. I don't offer much when it comes to our secrets. I've shared more with you than I would most."

"I'm proud, too! It -was- quite the big win." She pauses at that question, chewing her lower lip. "You know... I haven't the slightest how she felt about it."

"As far as I know! I'm not very studied in the magic of magic," explains Fox, rolling her shoulders and wiggling her fingers. "I'm very good at the things I'm good at, and then like... not good at all at the rest, usually. I'm trying to change that, but... like I said, as far as I know, that's not a thing we can do." She rests back on her palms thoughtfully.

A shrug of her shoulders. "I'm not going to be running off to explore it or invade it or whatever. I like adventures but there are places even I know I shouldn't go." Well, there's a first for everything, isn't there?

Her green-gold eyes glitter. "Well, I barely know you and I'm terribly proud, so I'm sure she is, too. You ought to ask her. Girlfriends usually like the option to drool over their very successful partners. Which means I guess you should also be taking time to brag and drool."

"Well, you're more studied than I am!" Jackie offers with a laugh. "But do keep an ear out. If you hear of some way I might be able to help with that trick of mine, I'm -very- interested in learning new applications for it, even if it -is- just as a mirror."

"Don't worry. I didn't think you would," she murmurs with a smile. "Easier, though, to keep rules I don't have exceptions to. Trying to be consistent with myself so I don't slip up when it would matter."

"You're... probably right. I stopped bragging so much. I used to do it a lot. Mostly when I thought I was a god. Bragging about bladework still feels like that. And I remember being... exhausting. I wore out everyone who was Mine. I'm- hesitant. To start doing things that could see that happen again. You know?" She glances back overhead, trying to see something beyond the weave of green. "Though the drooling... I should do some of that. She was amazing, herself. So was he. Everyone who was there deserves some drooling, I think."

She shifts her shoulders. "I am... not un-studied. The people I used to hang around with studied a lot of theory, but they weren't very good at applying it when it matters. At least the ones I knew weren't. It makes me itchy to talk about studying too much - I am not a Mystagogue anymore, and I don't want to fall back into theory which doesn't help anybody." Whatever that all means. The seriousness stays on her face for a moment, and then flutters away, dismissed.

"It's fine," she agrees. It isn't really fine and she does want to know, but there are boundaries, and she respects them.

She thinks about that for a minute. "You know. I do understand. You can wear out the people you care about with big feelings, good or bad. But you do need to... feel appreciated in the big moments you have, and it seems like this was a pretty big moment for you. I think maybe this is a time when you get to brag, especially if it means you can drool over - your girlfriend and whoever 'he' is. People like to be drooled over. Respectfully."

"My kind's the opposite, I suppose? Lots of folx know WHAT works. Few study how or why. That's Autumn's job. We confront what we all fear to master them in our defense. Even among Autumn, though, not everyone studies. Some focus more on the fear. Which is legitimate. Fear keeps us safe, keeps mortals away from dangers they can't know."

Johnnie appreciates that respect, and it shows. She nods, a liquid, languid movement.

"Boyfriend. He'd be the 'geeky little subby boi who also swings swords around ' from our previous conversation. One who apparently picked up a boyfriend of his own when nobody else was looking," she jokes, snorting laughter. "And... maybe you're right. About the bragging. Definitely about the drooling. And they both like to be drooled over, for sure."

"Do you enjoy being drooled over, Fox?"

"Those people are only like a subsection, a lot of us don't study how at all. I got tired of a how that ignored the essential issues, like, you know. Why. And what good is it all? And ... " Fox makes a dismissive gesture with one hand that somehow manages to sum up a decade's disillusionment with the Mysterium in one flicker of a hand, without putting more words to it. She goes back to leaning on one hand, the other absently scratching at her cheek. "Hmm. Fear can be a teacher. Lots of things can be teachers, it doesn't mean they're good at it."

A soft 'ah!' there. "You seem happy for him, yeah?" That query comes from Fox with a tip of her head to the side, curious and thoughtful.

Her tongue ticks against the roof of her mouth. "Depends on who's drooling."

"... that sounds... exhausting. Like all whats and hows and lists and... egh." Jackie shivers. "Not my style."

"I feel like fear is at its best as a teacher. A warden of things best left alone. You don't have to talk about the gate to the Underworld hidden in a funeral home if you convince people its haunted and dangerous it was."

"I am happy for him, I think. Mostly because I think he will be happy."

"Oh, it'd be me drooling, for sure."(edited)

"It was a time in my life that I'm happy that I had, if only because it taught me who I am and who I am not," answers Fox, absently scratching her cheek again with her grubby fingers, absently rolling her shoulders. "But it's over now."

A soft chuff. "But won't that entice the danger-seekers and ghost-hunters?" One of her dark eyebrows rises just so. "I've known enough of those."

Her head ticks back and forth. "That's a healthy response. You don't have to know how you feel, as long as you know why you feel, or are open to thinking about why you feel. At least that's what I think."

The Thyrsus' gold-green eyes focus in on Jackie, and one corner of her mouth pulls up in amusement. "I couldn't tell you. It's not an experience I've had yet."

"An appreciation for the pothole's in life's journey. Wise, indeed." Johnnie nods sagely. "As for that, there'll always be people taking the lessons of "danger here" and such as invitation instead of proscription. I can hardly use that to justify leaving off with the labels, don't you think?"

Fox's response about feelings makes her smile a touch. "I like that. I'd prefer some mystery. Even in myself, after all."

"Fair answer~!" Johnnie seems to take that at face value, relaxed and reclining and staring into the verdant ceiling.

She shrugs. "I can't go back in time, so like... " Fox just sort of wiggles her fingers. "I'm trying not to think too hard about all of the mistakes that I have made, you know?" She sits up, slumping forward a little and resting her forearms on her knees. "I've got enough of those knocking on my door this week as it is." One of those vague little smiles of hers that flickers across her face and then disappears.

"You never know yourself completely, so you'll always have mystery." And then she flops back onto her back again, and laughs softly in response to her last reply, lapsing into quiet and dropping her hands onto her belly.

Johnnie winces faintly at that vague little smile. She knows what that's about- she thinks, at least- and she shifts over to the flopped Fox and drapes an arm across her middle. "It's rough. The past catching up. I can tell. It's not something I can relate to directly. But I can see it. Have you been talking to your sweethearts?"

Fox turns her face toward Jackie's, that vague smile returning. "I have, yeah. To my sweethearts, and ... well, there's one member of my cadre who isn't, but not because I wouldn't prefer it if she were. That's another story, though." A soft laugh bubbles up there. "We need to talk some more, come up with a plan. They're all much better at investigations and the like than I am. I just... am tempted to call my baby sister, but I'm sure that would go... badly." Her hands fold comfortably over the wrist of the arm flopped across her midsection, and she lets out a small sigh.

The little comfortable fold feels like a bit of an invitation, and Johnnie melts around Fox. The most liquid, sinuous hug. Supportive and noodly and warm. "I don't doubt you'll all talk that through. Figure out what's best for everyone. I know you'll do what's best. I don't pretend to know what that is though. I hope it's reaching out and not staying as far as possible. I know that'd just hurt more, from your comments."

And that's pretty delightful, so Fox curls back into Johnnie's noodly hug. The room is precisely pleasantly warm, and the company exactly so. Her eyes half-lid, and she lets out a little sigh. "I'm sure we will. They've dealt with deadlier than a couple of sad and worried Jewish parents," Fox laughs. She puffs out her cheeks. "I don't know what's best. I know what's... no longer possible. I can't just keep walking around with this face without resolving things."

"So you're sort of juggling- what? Giving up your old face, or reaching out to resolve things, pretty much?" Jackie asks calmly. "And things can be troublesome and painful without being lethal, so. It's fair to be troubled and in pain. Heck," she muses quietly. "It's nice to know you've been missed, isn't it?"

Her head rolls back and forth a little bit on the ground/floor beneath them, and she puffs out her cheeks. "It's not quite that easy, but it also basically comes down to that, yes. I mean it's basically... " A pause. "That's basically what it comes down to. I'm just worried about the people around me, and the implications for our secrecy clauses." A slow breath in. "I mean, it's nice. But it's also like... a crushing mountain of guilt." She puffs out her cheeks agian.

"You're especially cute when you lean chipmunk instead of fox," murmurs Johnnie idly. "You're right, of course. It's not so simple as that, there's tons of ties and implications and opportunity costs. And I sure can't help you navigate the secrecy stuff, since I don't know what it is. But guilt's rough. Are you feeling bad for not staying in touch? Can I ask what the guilt ties to?"

She snorts, then, and sticks out her tongue at Jackie instead. "I'm always a fox, I can't help that. It's in my soul at this point." She doesn't explain any more than that, but it all seems self-evident to her, apparently. Or just... facts.

And then Fox goes quiet for a while. "I let them think I was dead for thirteen years, because I thought that the face I wear now was not the one they remember."(edited)

"Okay, then, when you lean- foxmunk." Johnnie appends.

"That's... heavy. How do they know you, then, if that's the case? Can I ask? I don't want to pick at your scabs. I'd like to understand, though."

"It's complicated," answers Fox, tipping her head toward Jackie. "But when I came into being as I am now, I ... changed the universe. Forward and backward in time. This isn't the way I remember being born. But it is the way they remember me being born. But I don't... it was ... it's complicated. I don't remember the same things they do."

Jackie tilts her head. "That's not so complicated. I mean, you just explained it in like ten seconds. You're in a different timeline where you've always been like this. That's not complex. It has ramifications, sure, but. I get what you're sayiooooooooooooooooooooooh, you didn't realize they remembered you how you are. Which means you keeping your distance wasn't a mercy, it was a mistake."

And there's nothing Fox can say to that except to sort of unfold her hands from where they rest on Jackie's arm and spread them tiredly. She makes a small, weary sound and lets her eyes lapse closed. "And thus the crushing guilt."

"I get it now." Jackie says quietly, shifting to pull Fox close, hard. "... gods. How do you explain that? That's a fucking mess and a half."

"I have no idea," admits Fox quietly, folding herself into the tight embrace of those noodly arms. "I have no idea. And that's... that's where I'm stuck. So! Yeah! That's. That's my life. Right now."

"That's a hell of a life. But you're not alone, and that's something. You've got your cadre, and friends, and time to decide what to do, and the tools to do it. Most folx would be lucky to have just one of those things. You're blessed. Much as it feels like you're not just now."