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Well if no one else is setting it's going to be a lazy night in Downtime, where Teagan is vaguely stoned and half-asleep in the hollow, waiting for literally anyone to come home. Tank top, sleep pants, pillow, blanket, comfortable time. You wouldn't think that people could be comfortable in the half-here-half-there of the Hedge, but in hollows, you can have a little comfortable. As a treat.
The door to the Hedge proper swings open and admits a swirl of thick, gloriously Autumnal leaves. Even as the door's own shadow shoves itself closed, the leaves coalesce and return Johnnie to the realm of the corporeal, her shadows rising to toss her hair dramatically while her coat and boots are shucked off. "You know," she states, her tone level and pleased, "Is it weird that it feels like. Distinctly empowering to have a hand on my own gender? Like, I'm not just drifting down whatever river I was born next to. If I want to ride some rapids, I can do that instead. Or go over a waterfall. Or sip tea on a lazy stream. Or... wade in a creek? I dunno, I'm runnin' outta river metaphors over here."
Sigrun, by contrast, arrives from the real world. The door opens, and the house is briefly visible on the other side of it, before she closes it behind herself. She's dressed in her usual house attire. Her sheep linen chemise, her green house skirt, and her leather doublet. She isn't wearing her weapon belt or carrying her shield, but her battle ax is in her left hand, being tossed into the air and caught by the handle as it spins about. Never enter the hedge unarmed, even if it's your own dang home. She makes her way over to the wading pool area of the shower spring, hikes up her skirt, and steps down into the water to let her feet and legs soak a little, settling down on the stones that ring the pool and dropping her skirts down on her thighs. There. "I like wading." She swings her footsies in the water childishly.
They rouse themselves from their stoned half-asleep state as Vorpal begins holding forth on the matter of gender. Teagan stretches in the pillows like a cat, arms and legs full-out, fingers and toes splayed, back muscles, legs and arms all streeeeeetch. And then they roll up to sitting, rising to their feet and absently scratching their crotch, because look they just woke up and also they're super classy. "You an egg starting to crack," Teagan yawns toward Johnnie. "I think." Another yawn, and they wander over to sit down next to Sigrun, toes in the water. "It's not weird. It's how I live."
"I do too. I haven't in like. Decades. Since I was a kid," Johnnie muses. "Think I'm gonna find us someplace with a stream for that date." Pfft, class has nothing to do with comfort, and sometimes, stuff gets stuck to other stuff or is just itchy. Ain't no thing. Johnnie wiggles out of her socks, too, and wanders to the springside to plop down where she can see both the others. "What do you mean, egg? And good. I'm just making sure I'm not, like. going mad with power or something."
Because... let's face it, that's a Legitimate Johnnie Concern.
"The Wissahickon. It's territory I know now. Walked it plenty. Even slept out there a time or two when I needed space. I can break out my tent and sleeping bags. We'll want to bring our own water in with us for safety's sake. The water quality isn't great, obviously. You can follow it all the way up to the Montgomery Mall, even, if you walk far enough." Sigrun leans in against Teagan when they join her. She rests her head on their shoulder, wraps her arms around one of theirs, and holds their hand with both of her own. There. The Trans 101 questions are left to Teagan to answer.
They lean in against Sigrun, kissing the top of her head. It's a small gesture, an affirming one. They've had enough of worry and frustration and sad things lately, the two of them. This, if Teagan's tone is anything to judge by, is a happy thing. "It's not going mad with power to feel powerful when you have control over your own gender expression. That's ... that's being trans, Johnny. That happiness and excitement at the power. It's called gender euphoria."
"And ... an egg is... " Pause. "Egg is a trans community term which means 'a trans person who doesn't know they're trans yet.' Whether that trans person is genderqueer, non-binary, binary, demigender, bigender, whatever... an egg is a person who doesn't know yet, or isn't sure yet."
Sigrun's insight is immediately valued, and it earns her full attention from the Torrent. "Ooh. I like the idea of sleeping out there together. I liked it before, but I didn't want to... like. Lay claim to huge swaths of people's days. If you like the idea, I'm totally down. Do we wanna pack some food? Easy camp fixings? Whatever that would mean?" Someone clearly didn't camp much as a kid.
Johnnie leans back on her palms and listens to Teagan explain, nodding along, head tilting this way and that as info is offered. "Oh! Okay. That- hm. Makes sense." Her head tilts the other way. "So what am I if I'm perfectly comfortable with whatever I happen to be at the time? One of those applies, right?"
"Genderfluid," Sigrun volunteers, but only so she can then add, "like Loki." She tilts her head enough so that she can fix Johnnie with a smile. There's a bright gleam there-- there always is, truthfully --but moreso at the moment. Her preternatural blue glowing eyes twinkle with amusement. "I'm super content being a woman, myself. There are definitely times having a dick would be convenient, mind you. Harnesses are a pain in the behind, often literally. But thinking about myself as a man makes my whole body twitch. I imagine that's sort of like what dysphoria is like?" Then she shifts back to the original topic, "But, yeah. We can bring some food. Usually I challenge myself. No food I don't catch myself. No water I don't find myself. But that's not really a good premise for a date. So."
"Genderfluid, like Loki," Teagan agrees lazily. "Maybe genderqueer. Whichever resonates better for you. Labels are only so we can understand ourselves. They should be windows in the walls so we can see out more clearly, not the walls themselves. If a label boxes you in, it's a shitty label." A smile spreads across their face, and they absently gnaw their lower lip.
"Babe, if you ever want a dick for a while, you just let me know." That comes with a saucy half-smile aside at Sigrun. Sex jokes! To deflect! A little! From serious conversations! "That's what dysphoria is like, yeah. If I had to live as a woman or a man full-time I'd probably... I don't know."
"Doesn't Loki fucking hate Monsieur Dick-Joke-for-a-Name?" Johnnie muses with interest. "Fluid. I like that. I do- like that." She catches the gleam in Sig's eyes and her smile spreads, softens. "Least as much as I like seeing you glow like that."
Teagan offers further insight, and she snaps her fingers. "That. Yes. That makes sense. They're signs, they indicate- they dont limit, they're not containers. Genderfluid, pansexual, whatever, I'm still Johnnie, you know?"
"I don't know if hate is the right word. Loki is a bit of an asshole in the legends-- they all are, truthfully. At least by our modern standards. He was a trickster. A shape changer. And, yeah, he made himself a lot of enemies along the way. I rarely pray to him, because I rarely deal in cunning or deceit. But sometimes I do. For insight of a less than conventional sort. Typically you'd look to old one eye for that, but." Fuck that noise in the ear. "You remind me a bit of him, too. In a good way, to be clear."
They go quiet when Sigrun explains the bit about Loki. They know trans stuff, Sigrun knows Norse Mythology, so it works out, right? They turn their head and kiss the top of Sigrun's contentedly. "But fuck that asshole in the non-literal sense," Teagan chimes n when it comes to mention of Old One-Eyed Fuckface, their traditional name for Sigrun's Keeper. "You're still Johnnie, and you always will be. But I think that maybe that... includes more than you thought it did a week ago. And that's awesome."
"Well~!" Johnnie coos with a grin. "I'll take that as a compliment, then. I'd love to hear just how, but I'll understand if we don't want to spend the entire evening feeding my ego~." She laughs, nodding at Teagan as they explain further. "That's exactly how it feels. There's just more under that umbrella."
Comfortable now, Johnnie sheds the rest of her clothes and slips directly into the water, submerging with a delighted sigh. "If someone ever figures out why I end up with sore muscles after spending time as leaves, I'd be delighted to hear about that."
"Probably because dried leaves are desiccated and desiccation in humans leads to muscle cramping, headaches, and fatigue. Peeing clear, never fear. Peeing yellow, better mellow." Sometimes it's just painfully obvious Sigrun was both a nerd and a farm girl growing up. This is one of those times. And apropos of that she notes, "I think I might like to get some livestock. Some chickens, some ducks, some goats. We don't really have the acreage for a horse, plus I've already got Frigg for the Hedge. That, and I don't think you can keep horses here. But. Yeah. I think I'd like that. I've not had any animals since I left Fairmont. And I was crying at videos of baby goats the other day. So."
"You'll understand, but you won't stop us if we want to try?" Teagan tilts their head to one side, peering sidelong at Johnnie. It's not that it's possible to see their eyes when they look sidelong at her, but the feeling is there, definitely.
"So you need something small and cute that you can mother." Another kiss for the top of Sigrun's head, because this is true facts. "And I like chickens, they're cute and also mean, on account of I am told they are dinosaurs."
"...huh. That makes way too much sense! Well, awright, then. Treat flying like drinking, that's what I hear," Johnnie states, drifting slowly through the spring towards the other two. "Animals could be cool. I've never really had to take care of anything like that before, but I'd try to help." When she gets close enough, she leans on their legs, one of each.
"You know damn well I won't even try to stop ya," murrs Johnnie, waggling her brows at Teagan.
"Was the goat crying good crying or sad crying?" Johnnie asks. She usually needs context like that.
"It was cathartic crying, which is neither good nor bad, simply necessary. I don't like having my emotional breakdowns around other people if I can help it, but I don't mind talking about them with you all after the fact. It's been a lot lately, is all. Like drinking from a firehose. And these little goats were sproinging around, and it reminded me of home. My family." Sigrun lifts a hand from Teagan's which she's still holding and gestures away to the side, like a feather floating on the wind. "I want a piece of myself back. I want to bring who I was into who I am."
She's holding on to their left hand, which means that she's holding on to the hand where the bracelet is, looped around their wrist. Teagan tips their head to look down at their adjoined hands, and then smiles aside at Sigrun. "I'm glad that you do." There's nothing in that except actual joy reflected back to Sigrun for the concept that she can, and would want to, bring part of who she is into who she is now.
One hand reaches out to pet over Johnnie's hair when she comes to lean on their knees. "I know, babe."
Mmm. Hairpets. Johnnie closes her eyes and relaxes against her lovers. "I wanna help. I probably won't be much good, I'm- kinda... one-trick pony most times, but I can probably feed baby goats and stuff. I'd love to see more of Who You Are, Sigrun. Like, who you really are, not just the mass of executive function that Does and Does and Does and tries desperately not to burn out. Even if the mass of executive function is just as incredible as the rest of you."
"Well," Sigrun temporizes, letting her previously gesturing hand settle down on Johnny's arm, brushing along it gently. The way one pets a dozing cat. "Understanding my faith is probably a good place to start. Most of my quirks go back to Asatru. Asatru keeps me grounded. It's the center of my sanity, and the foundation of everything that I do. And one of the chief tenets of the faith is self-reliance. It's a community minded faith. It starts with the family, and it radiates outward. It's a virtue to be able to offer support to others, and it's not to be praised when you need others to provide for your basic needs. So when I make my own fabric to make my own clothes, that's my faith. When I hunt my own game to fill my own plate, that's my faith. When I forge my own weapons to defend my own hearth, that's my faith. When I make these things for my family, that's my faith. When I fight, that's my faith. When I sing, that's my faith. And when I go off by myself to fall apart, that's my faith too. A lot of what everyone sees as my executive function, or my single-mindedness, or my drive. It's Asatru. The hardest thing I'll ever do is ask for help. From anyone. For anything. Or admit I can't do something I should be able to do for myself. Admitting weakness, where I should be strong." Sigrun nuzzles her cheek into Teagan's shoulder as she admits this, putting last night's admissions into clearer context.
The Mirror has Opinions on that, and it sort of radiates from the way that they let out a little snort of breath, squeezing the hand that Sigrun is holding and turning their head to once again kiss the top of her head. But far be it from Teagan to say 'your faith has some dumb bits to it.' "I know what June would say, I think," Teagan hazards quietly. There, that's as close as they'll get.
Johnnie is... well, actually, she's been practicing some, and she's significantly more diplomatic than she used to be! Which was not in the slightest! She tunes in 100%, focused, taking in everything; she smiles, openly, when Sigrun's hand falls to stroke against her. She does frown a little at the bit at the end, but she nods, trying her best to turn it about in her head and get an angle on it before she speaks. "Well- I know I like helping. You and our family and everyone else. I-" She hesitates, playing with her words again, and starts over. "I am not an expert in Asatru. I know a lot more about religious stuff than I used to, but that's not a thing I studied. But I think you said it's community focused, starting with the family and radiating outwards. If... you're doing all this stuff on your own, without folding the rest of us into helping support you, to the detriment of your own ability to keep doing those things... isn't that maybe going too far in the other direction? It sounded like the family is meant to be the smallest self sufficient unit, and instead of letting us all practice being virtuous by being able to offer support to you so we can all function better, you're sort of..." She tries to find the right words again, hesitant to mis-speak. "-grinding up the firewood to sawdust just so it'll fit in your lantern instead of our fireplace."
"I dunno, Sigrun. You know your religion so much better than I do. I'm not trying to say I think you're doing it wrong. I'm trying to find a way to filter being- you know, really excited to get to support you in doing all that awesome stuff you do to provide for us and everyone else, and that I'm bummed I don't seem to get to- all through the lens of Asatru. You are the most faith-filled person I've ever met and I'm trying to speak your language, not tell you how to do."
"I do lean on you all. In small ways. Or for the big things. I don't fight my battles alone. We play together. We cook together sometimes. June helps me in the forge a lot. It's not about not accepting help, it's about not having to need it for the essentials. Not needing help with something is different from wanting help with that something. Most things are better when done with company. But that doesn't mean it's easy for me to ask for help with things like the Sturm situation. Or sorting out my own memories. It's going to be hard for me to do that with you all, but I still asked for your help in doing it."
Sigrun then puts it another way, "There was a time, Johnny, that you wouldn't accept the food and drink I prepared for the family table. Because accepting it would have violated an essential part of who you were at that time. I kept offering. You kept refusing. Because I had to offer, and you had to refuse. Asatru is the mortar that holds the bricks of my life together. You're all my bricks. But without Asatru in the spaces between you all, it would all fall apart. I would unravel, eventually. I don't know what I'd be, or even if I'd want to go on being. And I think even June would understand that. Before I met you all, Freyja pulled me out of my solitude and my despair and gave purpose to my anger. I won't set aside her teachings."
"I mean, that's fair. I just usually reframe things when stuff is getting in the way of self-care. Reframing is... you know." Kind of a thing that Teagan does. Mirrors reflecting back a new way of looking at something. "No one wants you to set aside the teachings that pulled you out of your shit. We all know how important your faith is to you. I don't get it, because all religion ever did for me was kicked me in the teeth, but I respect it." A soft puff of breath from the Mirrorskin, and they continue to pet Johnnie's hair.
"Actually, the thing with Johnnie is a good way of looking at it, I dunno. Because she still won't take food from the family table, because she can't. But she is not allowed to steal my food, and I take double portions, and yet, even though she's not allowed, she steals it anyway. And eats."
More listening, of course. Johnnie always listens before she starts speaking, even when it's hard to wait. It's clear she wants to speak up the moment that Sigrun seems to take it that Johnnie wants her to change somehow, in the way her expression waxes pained and concerned. Teagan has that pretty well covered, though, and she nods as Teagan confirms that she doesn't at all want Sigrun to set anything aside. "Mmm. Like Teagan said. Please don't set anything aside. I- am aware that my perspectives are sometimes- no, let's be fair. Often. Often flawed. And this sounds like one of those times. I don't think I try to involve myself enough when you're doing those things. That's the issue. Not you taking on too much and refusing help." She nods slowly. That makes sense to her.
She nods as Teagan goes into how she operates. "Yeah. I'd probably starve if Teagan wasn't such a pig." It's said gently, though. Teagan's whipcord thin. They're not a pig and nobody here thinks they are.
"I'm sorry I said things poorly there. I wanted to express how much I want to be part of who and what you are. And- it's a little hard to realize the reason I'm not more that is my own fault, but that's still good to know. And I'll be improving that. Even if I can't even lift the hammer you girls use in the forge."
"I have an autohammer for the grunt work," Sigrun reassures Johnny, "I really only use the hammer for detail work. Embossing, engraving, or making lammellars. For drawing out steel, the autohammer is my go to." Sigrun pat-pats Johnny's arm twice, then shifts the topic slightly. "I'm not upset. I'm just trying to explain these things about me, because they're important to me and I... don't really talk about my faith. With anyone. Because it's personal. And a lot of people think it's ridiculous. So." Her shoulders hunch in a small shrug. "Serious question. What's wrong with going away to have a sobbing fit on my lonesome, then coming back when I've gotten it out of my system so I can talk through whatever caused it? Is it bad that I had a crying jag, and then asked to raise goats because you weren't there for the crying jag by choice? Is it wrong that I only want you to think of me as the person that Does and Does and Does and never quits? That view of me is... really validating. Really flattering. That's the stuff of the Eddas." She lifts her head a bit to include Teagan in the question, since they were the one that first raised the concern.
"There's nothing wrong with that as long as it's sustainable," Teagan answers quietly. "And it's okay for me to be concerned about whether or not a pattern of behavior like that is sustainable in the long term. If you tell me that it is, that it's okay, that you'll come back and let us help you make things better, then I believe you. But when you say 'oh I went off and cried over baby goats and I don't really want you to see because my religion says I have to be self-reliant,' there's a little part of me that worries and catastrophizes because ... "
Baby is over there on the ground, like five feet away, laying on top of a blanket, because Baby doesn't touch the ground. And Teagan turns their head to look at the blade, and then they stop, and shrug a little. "If you tell me it's okay and this isn't you shutting us out, then it's okay."
"Oh! I could help with detail work. Clever hands." Oh, does she have clever hands. The pats help significantly, and she smiles up at Sigrun, nodding as she explains that she isn't upset. "I don't think it's ridiculous. I'm with Teagan. If you're sincerely doing alright, and you're not shutting us out- which, in retrospect, seems much to be the case- then I'm fuckin' for it. For real. I'm just- taking... steps... to make sure I don't hear "fine," assume "fine," and fuck off until shit's not "fine." You matter too much not to check."
"And no- my beef with that whole line was the bit that ended with the burning out. If we're in no danger of burn-out or isolation? I'm cool if your private time is crying over baby goats. Mine is brooding in a dark room to- I think the last CD I listened to was Earth Trybe? So to each their own, y'know? I just want to be sure you're taken care of."
"It's not shutting you out. It's... being strong for you. And being weak for myself. I work through stuff by myself. I do a lot of thinking in the shower, honestly. Because I can-- usually --have that to myself, without leaving you guys physically. I cry in the shower a lot. When I need to cry. And once I've worked things through, whatever needed working through, I bring my ideas for a solution back to you all. Like I brought going into my dreams to you, and hunting for my shield to you, and wanting goats to you. And wanting a forge to you. And getting help with Sturm to you. I like coming back with plans. With ideas. With solutions, rather than my own scattered fears and problems. I want the stories that are told of me when I'm gone to be the stuff of legend. I want to burn and be ashes, in a big long boat full of my armor and weapons and all the tools of my craft. And I want the only thing that's left of me to be the stories that you all tell about how I was always strong, always ready, always kind, always providing, always defending, always building, always doing. Until I spat in the eye of death and stole even that victory from our enemies." Sigrun settles her head back on Teagan's shoulders as she talks with the calm certitude of a norse death angel about her own passing and funereal wishes. "I want to leave the sort of stories that make future women turn pages in books, laugh, and say 'that's impossible, but I want to do that.'"
Another squeeze of their hand around hers. "As long as you burn evenly and bright until then, and this is your sustainable behavior, Significant, that's all I care about. I trust you to know yourself." Teagan noses at Sigrun's hair gently, kisses the base of one of her braids. More petting of Johnnie's hair. "But like Johnnie said. You matter too much not to check. So we did."
Aw, man, but Johnnie's eyes sparkle in their shadows to listen to Sigrun speak of what she wants to be to others. It's inspiring and it shows that it gets through to Johnnie, for all she's fighting the urge to melt with all this patting and petting of the head and shoulders. "Then that's what I want to help you do. I'll trust you to know when to come to us for help, and I'll trust you to listen if something happens and we feel like we need to come to you to offer it. But all that? That legacy sounds absolutely epic in the most literal sense possible and I want to be even the smallest part of making that happen for you."
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