|
It's late at night, at the Direct Action house, and someone has ordered a fuckton of Chinese, because the Chinese place is like, open late, and they were hungry, and Sigrun gets on them for eating tons and tons of cheesesteaks, so, like.
The house is full of the smell of egg rolls and chicken and broccoli and all kinds of other things. Teagan is sitting on the couch in a tank top and sleep pants, alternating between texting -- phone in their left hand -- and eating egg rolls. A half-eaten container of shrimp and snow peas sits on the coffee table with chopsticks sticking out of it on a slant, and there's a piece of paper under the giant bag of food that reads
THIS IS FOOD FOR EVERYONE BUT JOHNNIE, WHO CANNOT HAVE ANY
Teagan is, apparently, watching YouTube videos about some sort of weird legal thing involving wolf porn. No, really. There's a cute lady explaining it, that may explain why Teagan is watching it.
The scent of food summons a Glitch, appearing from his room in some bedshorts and a baggy shirt to make a beeline for the chow mein. His pixellated eyes flick from the heap he scoops onto his plate to the youtube video playing in a bit of a double take.
Sturm comes upstairs from the basement wearing her pajamas -- a cropped, sleeveless t-shirt from an Operation Ivy show plus a pair of very loud workout shorts -- and carrying...
Hang on, let me check my notes.
A Leonberger-sized wolf (conveniently, that's the breed of dog she appears to be outside the hedge) with snow-white fur that matches her hair, and red eyes. Yes, this is the Dire Wolf she rescued from that Helldiver they'd encountered. Yes, her name Princess. No she will not be wearing a collar. Ever.
Sturm gives the TV a look, and the makes a mock show of covering Princess's eyes with a hand. Princess, on the other hand, cranes her neck to get a better look. What a gremlin-puppy.
Sturm sets the wolf down on her own four paws, reaching for an egg roll -- and then Princess cuts her off, leaping over the back of the couch in front of Sturm, and landing in a slump on the cusions with her tongue lolling.
"Treat, yes? Yes. Treat."
Sturm, meanwhile, has procured her egg roll and looks nothing less than starry-eyed.
Glitch happens to be approaching from just the right direction to spot Johnnie sitting against the back of the couch in as close to total silence as she can manage. Which is pretty close, but there's all sorts of reasons why this was never gonna work and she gives absolutely zero fucks. Wearing an absurdly oversized tee as a nightgown, she's in the middle of retrieving a wax-paper two-pack of eggrolls from the cornucopia- because nobody would POSSIBLY figure out that she was around, what with the leaves in the middle of the living room floor, or the shadow retrieving the snack and dragging it beneath the couch, or the SENSE OF WYRDNESS or the fact things with excellent senses notice stuff like "People" nearby- and yet she freezes, like she's been caught at mischief... egg roll half way to her mouth... and very... very... sneakily... bites... into the cromchy shell.
Flawless victory.
Don't worry, there's no actual wolf porn on the TV, just Lindsay Ellis explaining the total batshittery that is the legal battle surrounding the Omegaverse. This is a real thing and you can look it up, the videos are totally out of this world. People are suing each other over wolfcock porn.
The arrival of half the motley at once just makes Teagan's mirror-dark skin silver over contentedly, the color fading a moment thereafter. "Hey, doll. Hey Princess. Glitch. There's plenty food." They roll up to their feet to distribute smooches of greeting to the corners of Glitch and Sturm's mouths, and a ruffle of Princess' ears.
The only thing less stealthy than Johnnie getting an egg roll? Teagan LOUDLY IGNORING Johnnie getting an egg roll. "Boy, I miss Johnnie. I wish she were here. She could sit on my lap and I could smooch her. Too bad she's not here." And then they bite their egg roll. "I can put something else on, this story is bananas though."
Glitch blinks, staring down at Johnnie secretly eating the eggroll for a good three count before suddenly remembering to look away. He scoots over to Teagan so they don't have to move too far for his kiss, returning it to their face and perching on the arm of the couch. "Oh, this shit," he beeps at the television. "There's a video game with this stuff in it. Probably several, but one of them actually made it to North American consoles, translated and localized."
Sturm happily feeds half of her egg roll to the Hedgebeast, because why not just feed your clearly Norse-inspired Battle Wolf Chinese food. Makes perfect sense. She flicks her wrist, and Princess jumps up off the couch, so that Sturm can sink into the couch beside Teagan.
She leans over to give Teagan a little peck on the cheekbone. "That's... a lot-- OOF." She sputters as the Decidedly-Not-Lapdog-Sized wolf lands in her lap. A moment of recovery later, and Sturm is reaching for a second egg roll and crunching into it.
She shakes her head, clearly amused at Teagan's antics, and then leans over to whisper something to Glitch with a devilish grin splashed across her features.
Food. Food! There are few things that are better for luring a hyena out. Dressed in the black shorts and sports bra she tends to sleep in, Laura shuffles into the room, blinking green eyes sleepily and shambling, zombie style, towards Direct Action, the couch, and food. She bestows pats and smooches and a butt swat or two as approriate as she weaves into the group, scooping up a box of chicken and sprawling to the floor by the couch at Sturm and Teagan's feet. Princess is offered a pat because she deserves it, most certainly.
Johnnie holds up a finger to her lips to swear Glitch to "secrecy" while cromching. It's patently ridiculous. CLEARLY she's not really fooling anybody.
And also the tail end of an egg roll slowly, tantalizingly, rises on delicate fingers over the back of the couch. Because the only guilty pleasure better than feeding your pets people food...
Is feeding someone else's pet people food.
"Alas, Johnnie is not here," Teagan continues, miming wiping away a tear from eyes that cannot cry because they're empty and made of broken mirrors. "I miss her so." They laugh a little as Princess lands in her lap, and reach over to scritch her ears again, petting her gently. When Laura sprawls at their feet, Teagan leans down to kiss the corner of her mouth, and then comments, "I feel like royalty."
Glitch on one side of them, Sturm on the other, Laura sprawled on the floor at their feet, and Johnnie feeding Princess? Yeah, they do. And then they pause. "Wait, someone made an ABO game?"
Glitch don't snitch. Johnnie's secret is safe with them. The Sprite nonchalantly stuffs a massive forkfull of chow mein into his mouth, then nearly chokes on it at whatever Sturm whispers to him. He recovers, straightening up and wiping his mouth off with the back of a hand. Unable to hide the pink hue in his cheeks, he presses on, managing as straight and serious a face as possible. "Yeah they did. It's called Omega Vampire. It's a boy love visual novel. The crazy part," he says, flicking a glance back to Sturm as if making sure no more gremlinry is coming just yet... "...is the system it ended up on."(edited)
Princess is quick to scarf down the egg roll, lapping at Johnnie's fingers to make sure she catches every last spot of extra flakey cronch. For all everyone else's trepidation, Princess has no plans to ignore the woman bringing her more food.
Sturm absent-mindedly pats Princess's fur, letting a protective arm drape around the wolf's neck-scruff where the fur is still shaved down from where she was tended to by one of the Springs the vet.
Fortunately for Glitch, Sturm has no more gremlinry in store for him... but she does look rather pleased with the response. Like the gremlin she is. "... please tell me it ended up on the Switch, because I think that would just be the funniest possible console home for it."
Laura leans back, eyes half closed as Teagan bestows said kiss and stretches contently, nomming down more tasty, tasty chicken. "Yes Sparks, tell us more." She stretches out a hand in his general direction, her other hand patting at Teagan's leg and offering light rubs if desired. "If only Johnnie was here, indeed." She laments, making sure not to look at the spot where Johnnie is, of course, not in.
"... Princess."
Cue stagewhisper, couch rear.
"Princess, ask them what ABO is. Thassa good girl."
Pause.
"Also ask why in the world you would name romance media "omega vampire." That's like naming an adventure novel "alpha goldfish.""
Thank the gods for Princess. She's sure to deliver Johnnie's inquiries without the slightest reveal to Johnnie's "well" "kept" "secret."
Sure to.
Glitch slowly turns and with incredible focus and deadly gravity of expression settles his gaze on Sturm, looking her right in the eyes. He waits a few moments for the tension to build. "It's for the Nintendo Switch."
Sturm cackles.
When Glitch chokes on his chow mein, Teagan looks between Sturm and Glitch for a moment, forehead wrinkling up slightly, and then they pat Glitch's knee in amusement. They put their phone away in the pocket of their sleep pants, finish their own egg roll, and pet Laura's hand on their knee. "That's ... wild. Like, the same thing we use to play Animal Crossing?"(edited)
"I like that game." Laura chimes in, turning her hand upwards to hold Teagan's lightly. Her wandering fingers find Glitch's arm and she leans his way, nudging at the Sprite gently. Sturm gets a look and then Laura also cackles. Solidarity! "What's that Princess? Those are all good questions, indeed." A firm nod as she gets more comfy.
Isolation is becoming increasingly less amusing and more generally dull. A Johnnie brow pokes over the back of the couch. "I don't get it. Why's that funny?"
Princess tilts her head to the side, clearly confused and not entirely sure why these Very Inaccurate Terms are being ascribed to wolf packs, which definitely do not function that way in real life.
"It's just funny because the Switch is usually marketed as a family console, and ABO is smutfic shit." Sturm offers a shrug, reaching for another egg roll. "Plus, I dunno. Don't the omegas switch their junk around or some shit? This is very much not my wheelhouse."
Glitch is forced to explain, turning first to Teagan. "Yes, the same thing that we play Animal Crossing on. Hang on a sec." A smartphone is fished out and he taps briefly at it, then frowns. "I was wrong, it's import only, they're just selling it on PlayAsia. But it's real. And it's...." He turns towards Johnnie and makes vaguely helpless gestures. "It's some BDSM shit where guys can get pregnant but it's also got all this alpha beta omega stuff. That crap that they thought about Wolves that doesn't even turn out to be true."
A pause for more chow mein from the small mountain on his plate before he adds, "And the plot's about some guy getting turned from a Beta into an Omega."(edited)
"It's a thing that started in fanfic for Supernatural, apparently. I've just spent like ... two hours... watching how some lady who took a fanfic trope about dudes fucking dudes with, uh, wolf cocks, and cis dudes somehow getting each other butt-pregnant, and like, she made some wild het version, and it started out as like, Batman fanfic, but then she like... filed the serial numbers off and started publishing books, and the first time someone else started writing het fiction about, like, dubious consent and dudes like 'claiming' women, and scent-marking and stuff, she like... "
"... started suing the other woman and claiming that she had invented all of this, basically." Teagan covers their face with one hand, laughing. "I seriously didn't necessarily mean for this to be our big topic of conversation, I'm sorry." They reach for another egg roll. "Oh, and then she threatened the woman who made these videos, and a bunch of non-profits, too."
"Oh, okay. Here I thought they went and snagged a vag at the corner store. Getting butt-pregnant makes way less sense. I shouldn't have given them the credit." Sturm snickers.(edited)
Johnnie listens to all that. Every bit of it. With her very real face-ears. You all did that. This is your doing.
"... yeahhh, I'm moving to the Hedge.
Things make more sense there."
Laura gives the worst false start ever. "Johnnie! I had no idea, none at all, that you were there!" She nods. But she's terrible, terrible, at acting. "And.. huh. Yeah, that's.." She cants her head, hunting for words. "You and me both.." She muses to Johnnie in the end. Eyes turn to Glitch, ears pricking. "Sparks. C'mere?"
"I was gonna say butt-pregnant and I stopped myself," Glitch mentions, for the record. "Also that lady's definitely lost the reigns because the Omega Vampire game appears to be gay as fuck." With that bit of commentary settled, he looks to Laura and obediently shuffles closer, having managed to finish his food.
"Look, if anyone in the world is going to say the phrase 'butt-pregnant,' it's going to be me, because I have absolutely no shame, and you know my prior career, so I've literally seen every kink you can imagine." Teagan shrugs, apparently not really bothered by any of it, and sort of amused by everyone's reactions. When Johnnie actually finally speaks? They laugh aloud, and stretch their arms back toward her. "Woman, get over here. I promise to stop talking about wolfcocks and butt pregnancies."
Sturm pats her wolf companion on the flank, and Princess jumps up off of her lap so that she can get up.
"Unfortunately, it's time for me to turn into a pumpkin. I might have been a creature of night once upon a time, but my fuckin' coach has made a morning person out of my nocturnal ass. 5 AM is going to come awful early if I don't take the pup to bed."
Sturm pauses at "wolf cocks and butt pregnancies," the end of an egg roll still between her lips as she blinks a few times in utter surprise at the turn of phrase. Maybe she looks like someone actually got her those pictures of Spiderman she asked for.
"Yeah, okay Princess. Let's get out of here before these gremlins tarnish your joyous demeanor with their nonsense-talk." She shifts the egg roll over to the opposite side of her mouth, and sticks out her tongue. Princess is already taking off down towards the basement.
"Goodnight. Love y'all. See you tomorrow."
There's a last wave and then she's off.(edited)
"Sleep well Sturm and Princess both! We'll do more nonsense-talk tomorrow!" Laura grins, then nods before reaching out with both arms to try and lure Glitch into snuggles. "I.. hm." She ponders before nodding again. "You are perfect as you are." She offers to Teagan sincerely.
Johnnie pops back up a bit more, enough to get tangled in backwards reaching arms. "Where, tho? Someone misplaced that throne I kept around here with my name on it-" You know the one, made by that one guy... what's his name? OH right, Michael McDoesn'texist. "-so what's my LZ?"
Glitch is easily snagged for snuggles, not resisting Laura's pull. Sitting happily on her lap, the little sprite reaches behind the couch to try and graze any hidden monsters or Johnnies with the tips of his tingly fingers as well, bumping into Teagan a bit in the process. There's a very confused stare after that exchange though, and he looks to Teagan as if completely baffled. "Usually I'm the one saying shit nobody else understands," he beeps.
So now Glitch is being snuggled by Laura and Teagan reaches back to pick up Johnnie, who is a skinny noodle of a lady, and pull her into their lap. "I dunno, we don't have to talk about random shit anymore. People should tell me any news that they have." This is Teagan's excuse to not say 'butt pregnant' again, but to instead put Johnnie in the throne that is their lap and wrap their arms around her and smooch her shoulder.
"Don't worry Sparks." Laura kisses his cheek. "You'll always be saying shit we don't understand." He gets a wink as she likewise settles him in her lap, patting gently before craning her head back to regard Teagan. "Nothing new as yet. But I still plan to find out more about a certain missing person. I'm hoping the book can offer me help there."
Glitch kicks his feet idly in Laura's lap, not seeming bothered by the gentle ribbing. Not when it's paired with a kiss and a wink, let alone pats. The Sprite slowly settles back, looking quite comfortable and relaxed, pixels still pink in his cheeks from whatever Sturm whispered to him earlier. "News," he says, trying to think. "Um. I'm NOT butt pregnant."
"That's true, you will always be saying things we don't understand," agrees Teagan lazily, reaching a hand up to pet Johnnie's hair and then absently scratch their own cheek. "You mean the Artist Formerly Known As Autumn King? Yeah, I think the book would probably help with that." And then they pause, stare at Glitch, and snort.
"Whuff!" Johnnie is easily mirrorhandled over into Teagan's lap, settling back against them and shrugging. "Saying things nobody understands, eh? Sure you're not secretly Autumn, buddy?" She quips. "And if "not butt pregnant" is news, I'd really like to hear about what you were before that."
"News, though. Well, I'm boutta go hunting down traces of the 'Diver that's been around here as part of an unpaid monarchial internship that pays entirely in exposure, networking, and a possible long-term in-house promotion to Ghul. That count?"
Laura considers Glitch. "Hm. What Johnnie said." She nestles her head against his, eyes closing briefly. "And that's the one Teagan, mm. From the messages up, future looking and hunting efforts have already been tried. The book's one tool that only I have access to.
I think."
She pauses at Johnnie's declaration, offering a thoughtful look as her ears twitch. "Ironic point. I intended my retrieval of the Artist Formerly Known as Autumn King to be an audition of sorts, if I pulled it off."(edited)
"A lot less satisfied," Glitch answers quickly to Johnnie, head nuzzling Laura with a little smirk. "I'd make a shitty Autumn. I could use a better handle on my Fear. And I'm no good at keeping secrets." He glances over to Teagan. "But I could use a better handle on my Anger too."
They just laugh as the butt pregnancy banter continues. (And I solemnly swear I won't call the log 'butt pregnancy banter,' either.) "Well, I think there are hunting parties going out soon, you could probably get in touch with -- I think it was Rosalyn? -- and help her, too," Teagan offers thoughtfully to Laura. Their arms curl around Johnnie's waist, and they kiss her cheek.
"Which Helldiver, Johnnie?" And then they nod a little bit. "Well, there's already Liane and Ulf, there's no saying you can't have more than one Ghul. I kinda thought you'd be going for Witch, Laura, to be honest."
"Precisely what Her Majesty told me when she asked me why I hadn't tried for the position already," Johnnie points out. "Multiple Ghuls means the piles of warm bodies- and Clarity- are deeper and less likely to deplete at inopportune times. Don't let me stop you, the whole reason I hadn't applied before was just assuming I'd be trying to put someone else out of a job, and I figured I could do the same work as a Ranger without the title." She shrugged.
"And the one with the buddies in, uh. The holding pattern."
"If you want to feel satisifed.." Laura hums in Glitch's ear. "There are ways." Another wink before she nods at Johnnie and Teagan, pausing and rubbing at her mouth a little nervously. "I.. hgn. Gotta admit it's brushing up agaisnt one of my own fears. The Ghul, or Ghuls, that's a position where you act, but the Witch? You act in front of the whole Freehold, everyone looking at you." A slow breath. "And that's a fear I'd need to overcome. Being so visible makes me uneasy."
Glitch does a very good job of holding a straight face. He's just now blushing up to his forehead. But Laura's next words have him looking up at her, reaching a hand up to scritch her ear. "You're so damn cute," he murmurs. "The big bad wolf, killer in the flesh, worried the sheep will talk shit." He leans just a bit closer to clarify the chiding, whispering back to her loud enough for the rest to hear: "I bet if the whole Freehold had swords and guns trained on you instead of shitty opinions, you wouldn't even flinch."
The Sprite's gaze drags over to Johnnie, flicks to Teagan, and then back. "We ran into another Helldiver on patrol when we found Sturm's wolf. Disguised as a raven, up in a tree, watching us. Ran when they saw me, took hits, but got yanked back before she even hit the ground."
The Mirrorskin goes quiet when Glitch starts talking about the second Helldiver, which is apparently why they asked for clarification on that point. Teagan frowns mildly, idly playing with Johnnie's hair, and adds in agreement with Glitch, "Actually, yeah, that's probably true, about the swords and guns. Maybe instead of envisioning people being naked so you don't be nervous, Laura, you could envision them all heavily armed, and fight them with your awesome witch knowledge."
"Yeah, think that's the one. My ultimate goal is to suss out how to razor through the thread but we'll only get one chance at actually pulling that off. Like I said to her Majesty, a cocky Fae will dangle a toy at the end of a rope. A threatened one will not." She leans back into Teagan, letting the fingers in her hair settle all manner of things fussing for her attention.
Laura stills and blinks at Glitch as he hits bullseye, leaning into the scritching he's offering. "Swords and guns are straightforward. How I'm accepted by the Freehold, so much more tangled." She gazes over at Teagan, slowly grinning. "I do know a trick or two." She admits, nodding once. "And on that score." A thoughtful rumble. "There must be a way to stop a Helldiver from diving. I'll try some digging if you want, look up a way to counter their escape."
|