Logs:The Burden Of Memory

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Content Warning

Memory transferrance, discussion of deleting memories

Cast

Little Fox, Leta Abbott, Tanya

Setting

The Firebirds apartment

Log

It's been a long couple of days. Tanya has spent the time since their awakening sleeping at odd and lengthy hours and reading. Discovering everything the Seers left in their wake before having a full footing is...stressful, to say the least. But the nascent Mage is coping. They're already kicking back on a couch, shoes off, puffing intently at a vape pen...while wearing an obviously furious expression, as if imagining ways to torture the ceiling.

Fox stayed at the arboretum until all the pigeon corpses have been gathered into their shrouds and sewn in. It's a way to focus her energy. The bodies are put in a Matter-based stasis so they don't rot before the funeral, and Fox comes home to bathe and eat. Scrubbed clean, she comes out of the bathroom naked, walks into the room she shares with Vasha, and comes back out a bit later in an oversized shirt, then goes to bring out the leftover pizza from the fridge. "Hey, kid," she greets. "How are you holding up?"

Tanya doesn't stare too much. They do stare, though, and it seems to dampen their fury a bit, distracted from the churning cycle of their emotional state. "Hey. I'll live. It's just... a lot," they say, waving a hand. "Being pissed off at sick fuckers who never get what they deserve is nothing new." Their eyes fall. "I just. I heard how you and Leta talked about that place, and I was picturing it. I was picturing going there and...this finally feeling real. Being part of the magic. Then I see all that, and...it feels real, I guess. Too real."

"Welcome to reality, kid." Fox doesn't say this condescendingly, but with the sad truth of someone who has been through it. They come and sit down next to Tanya on the couch, setting the stacked boxes on the tabletop. "It is a lot. And I don't think you ever really get over how much of a lot it is... but Mark is an extra lot, even for us."

Tanya nods and sighs. "I'm fine with a lot as long as we get ahold of one of the fuckers that did this," they seethe quietly, the Wrath peeking forth a moment. "But...I don't want to talk about...fucking, sin and punishment and judgement and all that right now. I want to turn my brain off. Or just distract myself with something nice."

Fox takes out a slice of pizza, and takes a huge bite of it after folding it in half. "Have you seen the pigeon loft, or the plant room? Those both make me really happy." She takes a second bite with her sharp Fox teeth. "Mm. I want garlic dipping sauce."

Pizza is a good distraction. Tanya takes some pizza, and eats it while sneaking another curious stare at Fox's sharp bitey teeth. "I haven't...the plant room sounds good," they offer with a smile. There's a bit of tension before they add: "I keep thinking, what am I supposed to be doing, what should I be doing next...but the whole point of this is being free, right? Not caring what someone else thinks I'm supposed to do. But it still feels..."

"There are still things you should be doing. But the main thing you should be doing right now is letting yourself deal with the fact that your life just turned upside down." Fox pushes up to her feet and pads off down the hall, carrying her pizza in her right hand. "You'll come up with a new to-do list for yourself, and responsibilities that you choose. Today, the plant room."

Tanya likes that. They nod, and stand to follow Fox to the plant room. They grab a few slices to take with them. There's a moment of consideration given, and they fall behind a moment. When they rejoin Fox down the hall, they've changed out of their remaining clothing, having found someone's oversized t-shirt that says "TIKKUN OLAM MOTHERFUCKERS" in english block print. Its hem comes down to about mid-thigh, and Tanya seems pleased to match their teacher. They still have a slice of pizza.(edited)

It's Fox's. Or rather it may be Vasha's. It doesn't matter. Anyway, Fox opens the door to the plant room, unlocking the door with Matter. Click! It's more of that casual use of magic that makes Vasha go AAARGHHH. Her Nimbus splashes green everywhere, and Fox stretches her arms above her head when she walks into a bedroom with big windows and grow lights. It's FULL of plants of all sorts, many of which are tropical, and the room is kept warm. "Hello, my babies!"

Tanya is still fascinated by even this mundane usage of magic, and Fox's nimbus itself, following the splashes of green with their eyes. They mirror Fox's posture as they enter, arms raising overhead, then lowers them somewhat quickly upon realizing what it does to the shirt. The plants are taken in with nearly as much wonder, Tanya's mouth hanging open. "This is pretty magical," they agree.

Fox isn't paying attention and is quite short, so it doesn't do so much to her shirt. Not that she cares. "I have been gently encouraging their growth. I can't make them grow super fast, it'll just ... bounce back... but I can enhance the soil and the water and monitor them closely." They wander over to a beautiful little bush with brilliant tropical flowers on it.

"This was a gift from my best friend. One of my best friends. My best friend who isn't in this cadre, for sure. You'll meet them soon. They're a Changeling, and they're so beautiful and clever. Their name is Lux. They brought me these seeds from Hawai'i."

Tanya stares at the bush and its brilliant flowers, tilting their head in consideration. "It doesn't last?" They ask, sounding a bit disappointed. "I suppose they don't need it. People usually want the opposite, right? For a moment to last longer. Eternal youth." Their smile falters a moment. "What's a Changeling?"

Master and Apprentice are in Fox's Plant Room, and the door is open, carrying their voices into the living room. "Oh, no, it's not because of that," Fox explains. "You just... can't make changes like that to a living being. I can purge someone of parasites or heal an immediate wound but I can't ... I'd have to be holding the spell open to make those changes permanently. Life pushes back against the changes we make."

She bends down to smell the flowers, then straightens again. "There are a lot of other ... things... in this world. Vampires, werewolves, humans with kinda ghost things stuck to them called Sin-Eaters, and Changelings, who... " She ticks her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "They're humans who were stolen from their lives by The Kindly Ones, and ... managed to get free. In Philly, the other two main societies are Vampires and Changelings. Lux and their partners are very dear to me and I would tear a bitch's throat out with my teeth if they laid a finger on Lux without their consent." She says that like she's saying she likes pizza.

Tanya, wearing an oversized novelty shirt to midthigh like their teacher, takes all this in with rapt attention. "It's so weird just how this FEELS. I keep wanting to say, oh that's so crazy, or absurd, or impossible... but it's just an old habit, something learned. I don't doubt any of it. I know it's True." There's a beat. "I already knew there were things I couldn't imagine, out there, preying on innocent people. I didn't think there'd be so much...variety."

"You can't escape that," Leta's leaning in the doorway, dressed in ragged denim pants and a tye-dyed shirt. The kind of clothing that looks so worn-in that it may as well be pajamas. "Everywhere you go, there's something looking to pray on other people. Something that wants more power and is willing to exploit, and harm, and even kill to accrue more, or cement what they have." She waves a hand dismissively, seeming very... noodly and floppy in that moment as she tips back a half-empty water bottle that is probably not filled with water.

"The night is dark and full of terror," she shrugs and waves again. "Or... whatever they say on that fuckin' terrible, depressing show."

It is, of course, impossible to hide from Fox what's in the bottle. The Thyrsus slowly blinks at Leta when she comes in, and their Nimbus flares. "We're not even putting cranberry juice in -- " and then she stops. "Leta, you're drinking." The matter of Changelings and things preying on other things is just dropped as Fox pads softly over to the Mastigos. "Beautiful?" She asks, reaching up to pet Leta's cheek.

"I don't want to--" Tanya starts to say, but Leta's general state and Fox's concern have her trailing off. There's a sympathetic frown as the student stands by and watches.

"We live in a world defined by the dynamics that surround power and control, and the sorts of assholes that abuse those things don't just go away when you give them real, honest-to-God Power over others with a capital P. You can't even escape it by dying." Leta just sorta continues to rant as if the conversation hasn't come screeching to a halt in her wake, only really stopping when Fox touches her face.

"I'm being shitty, aren't I," there's a pause. "I should leave."

"No, you absolutely should not," Fox answers Leta, reaching out a hand to take the bottle from her, but not forcing the issue. "We should be wherever you are right now, because you clearly need us right now." Whether or not she gets the bottle, Leta gets a hug, Fox's arms wrapping around the Mastigos' scrawny form. "Hi, Anthelion. I love you. Let's go sit down and talk about it?"

Tanya remains quiet a while, but steps forward eventually. "You're not wrong," they say, acknowledging Leta. "It's how things are. Once you abandon the idea that the world is inherently fair, it's obvious that the most powerful will get that way by using all their power to get more." Their voice is rising, but they pause, looking to Fox. "But I don't want to escape that."

"Well you fuckin' should," Leta gesturss absent-mindedly with her newly emptied hand. "The world is full of assholes, and if you were smart, you'd want to get as far away from them as possible." There's a drunken pause as she considers her next words.. "That's my first lesson. Master Anthelion's great wisdom."

She's not great at having functional decision-making, or movement at this moment, so she's happy to return the hug, and let Fox take the lead/tell her what to do without being bratty. For the moment. "I love you too," she mumbles once seated. "I'm just tired."

There's a flare of their Nimbus again as they lead Leta back to the living room and settle her on the couch. She sits down next to her cadremate and tugs Leta into a cuddle, easy as can be. She doesn't rebut anything Leta or Tanya say - she just listens. The bottle, now full of water, is set on the table. "I think i know why you're tired, Leta, but tell me why you're tired." A glance to Tanya, then, and she smiles with faint apology. Sorry kid. Fun time with plants is over, now we take care of sad people.

Tanya doesn't look upset. "I'd...normally argue that, and say something dramatic. But you need care." They follow Fox and join him and Leta on the couch, looking Leta over with clear concern. "Can we...do something to make you feel better? Like, with magic?"

"No offense, but you're just a wee little baby -- and if I wanted to feel better I'd just wave my almighty fucking hands and turn my mind into a goddamned serotonin playscape," she slumps against Fox. "... but sometimes it just feels good to feel bad. That's lesson number two."

She doesn't answer why she was tired, though. Maybe she got distracted...(edited)

"Leta, be kind," Fox says gently, squeezing her arms around Leta's shoulders and pressing a kiss to her temple. "She's literally asking me questions because she knows she doesn't know. Don't be mean to the baby just because you feel bad." A glance at Tanya, then. "Making herself feel better briefly doesn't fix the problem. Whatever it is. The only way she can fix it is to talk about it, and she should know by now that I'm too stubborn to let it go until she tells me. Dodging won't work, Leta Abbott."

Tanya's cheeks puff out at being called a baby, but it's something Fox says that has them blinking and looking surprised. Then there's a small smile. "Yeah, I figured. I just wanted to help." And then, Tanya does a very un-baby thing, and goes quiet so Leta can talk without distraction.

"I'm just," Leta frowns at Tanya, but it's not really Tanya she's frowning at. "I'm tired, because I had to see all the destruction. I had to see how everyone fucking broke... and then I had to wake up the next morning and infiltrate a Seer facility." She takes a deep breath. "... Full of nightmarish shit. I don't know how to not be tired."(edited)

"Would it help you if I saw it too? I was... thinking about that. That you were the only one who knew what had really happened, and what a burden that was to carry on your own." Fox kisses the top of Leta's head again. "It's a lot, and I'm exhausted. You're allowed to stop and take care of yourself." As Fox takes care of someone else instead.

Tanya nods and listens. "That's the one thing that makes anything...more than just awful bullshit and a struggle for power. Being able to help each other." They nod to Fox.

"I... I don't know if I should show this to you," Leta's brow furrows in frustration. "At least not right now when. I'm a mess and you're already trying to keep me afloat. It's... not even a very clear memory."

She takes in a deep breath and lets it out. "Babe." That's all Fox says at first. "Whatever you need, I will give you. Whatever it is, we can handle it together. That's the point of a cadre." She has no idea, really, what she's in for. She thinks she does, but she doesn't.

Tanya also has no idea, but there's a steely expression in the babe's eyes already. "Me too. I...just met both of you, but you're the only two people I really KNOW now. You both took me in, while all this other stuff was going on." They pause, and add more quietly, "If I can't escape it, I'll have to face it eventually. Right?"

"Absolutelyfuckingnot," Leta slurs her words as she turns to Tanya, and she just looks utterly exhausted. "I'm not going to be responsible for fuckin'... telepathically imparting a brutal and traumatic event that would've radically altered the state of Philadelphia's entire-ass awakened society -- or the overwhelming sense of dread and despair on everyone's faces -- into the head of a newly awakened mage. I get that you both want to be supportive, but I can't do that."

"Okay, then don't do that. But I'm not Tanya. I'm Fox, and I've been at this for a dozen years, and I'm capable of consenting in a way she -- no offense, kid -- isn't right now under the Lex Magica." Fox pets Leta's hair gently, and looks over the top of her head at Tanya. "We haven't had that conversation yet, but ... Awakened society doesn't consider you an adult yet. Rightly so. You can't consent to... a lot, because you don't understand what it means yet. Once you're released and no longer an apprentice, it'll be different. But for now... " A vague shrug. "I mean if you actually want something, I'm very likely to consent for you. But. Yeah."

Tanya takes this in stride. They just nod again. "Hey, if we're talking consent, it's not my damn place to demand access to her thoughts. Doesn't sound like must-see TV anyway." They nod. There's a brief pause after that, though. "Wait, so I really am baby?"

"Absolutelyfuckingnot," Leta slurs her words as she turns to Tanya, and she just looks utterly exhausted. "I'm not going to be responsible for fuckin'... telepathically imparting a brutal and traumatic event that would've radically altered the state of Philadelphia's entire-ass awakened society -- or the overwhelming sense of dread and despair on everyone's faces -- into the head of a newly awakened mage. I get that you both want to be supportive, but I can't do that."

"Okay, then don't do that. But I'm not Tanya. I'm Fox, and I've been at this for a dozen years, and I'm capable of consenting in a way she -- no offense, kid -- isn't right now under the Lex Magica." Fox pets Leta's hair gently, and looks over the top of her head at Tanya. "We haven't had that conversation yet, but ... Awakened society doesn't consider you an adult yet. Rightly so. You can't consent to... a lot, because you don't understand what it means yet. Once you're released and no longer an apprentice, it'll be different. But for now... " A vague shrug. "I mean if you actually want something, I'm very likely to consent for you. But. Yeah."

Tanya takes this in stride. They just nod again. "Hey, if we're talking consent, it's not my damn place to demand access to her thoughts. Doesn't sound like must-see TV anyway." They nod. There's a brief pause after that, though. "Wait, so I really am baby?"

"Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you - and you're right about that, Tanya. You aren't missing much." Leta looks like she might throw up at the prospect of sharing with Fox even, and when the issue isn't pushed, visible relief washes over her. She slides out of the cuddle position and pulls herself into one that's proper for spell casting. Fortunately, thanks to her Eleventh Question background, Leta is a professional when it comes to casting under the influence.

Despite her slurring and stumbling, Leta's High Speech is fucking impeccable. Her nimbus -- a flare of indescribable color -- radiates outwards from her slender silhouette like the hidden sun during an eclipse. It distorts the air it touches, begging to be understood, but leaving onlookers struggling to contain it all within their minds.

Then, Fox can see the events of that day through Leta's eyes. Her vision swirls and distorts with color -- like the shining surface of an oil slick -- as music plays through the stereo. There's an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Fox and Vasha are both away on important missions. She's not much of an operative, or a combatant, or a medic, so Leta stays home. To babysit. To get high. 'Cause that's easier than worrying.(edited)

"I'm out . . . that's all I can do, go and I'll hold this as long as I can."

She deliberates over whether or not it's even real for what feels like an eternity, and then steps through. 

She looks down at herself, realizing -- like perhaps this is a nightmare -- that she's wearing almost nothing. Her eyes meet Aletheia's as she arrives on the scene, and the bone-weary look of utter exhaustion in her eyes is immediately apparent. Her vision tracks to the other mage's posture, and the realization dawns on Leta. That bringing her here was Alethea's last magical act for the encounter. That was what the voice had meant.

The Martyr's tree is a shredded heap of bark and pulp, and the furious howls of the Lenape warriors send lines of distortion across Leta's field of vision. Her eyes track to the monstrous spirits that felled it, and a sickening feeling settles in her gut like a bowling ball. Leta can feel her mouth moving, and she can hear her own words as if they're underwater. The sounds are there, but she can't quite make out exactly what she's saying.

Her gaze falls on Liezel. The proud soldier has dropped her gun, and fallen to her knees. She looks between her hands an the destruction with wide eyes, and despair clearly showing on her face. An incoherent, semi-broken thought crosses Leta's mind about what it must feel like to drop the world. That's what Liezel looks like. Like she dropped the world. Kotahitanga seethes with rage. That, at least seems to push past the despair and frustration, and she looks about ready to leap back into the fray despite the fact that it's all over.(edited)

Then her eyes track to Fox, and her heart breaks to see Fox. They're clearly hopeful at the sight of her, but Leta recognizes the fact that it's duct tape over what surely was a soul-crushing reaction to see something so precious destroyed before their very eyes. She's suddenly very glad she wasn't here to see it.

She's already casting the spell when she hears Aletheia's voice. It's muddy and distorted by her nimbus, and then... it isn't. Everything is clear.

Blood pounds in her ears, and her head throbs as she tries to force the bowling ball-sized weight in her stomach out by way of screaming: "PROTECT THE FUCKING TREE FROM THOSE LITTLE SHITS OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL STOP BEING HIGH AND NONE OF YOU WILL BE HAPPY ABOUT IT."

... and the memory ends where this timeline picks up.(edited)

Tanya can't see it, and Fox is glad, the moment that first wave of nauseous anxiety washes over her, that Tanya can't see it, and isn't burdened with it. Her arms tighten around Leta as the memory plays out, and Leta can feel the vibration of the low growl in her throat, an echo of the anguished cries that the Mastigos heard when she stepped through the portal a few days ago. The memory strikes Fox like ringing a chime, and she tightens her arms around Leta until she's squishing her really hard, almost to the point of pain. And when the memory ends?

Fox tips Leta's face up toward hers, and she whispers, "I have never been prouder of you, or loved you more, than I love you right now." A hard gulp of air. "Thank you for taking care of us. Thank you for sharing that with me."

Tanya is left to just watch the reactions of both. They're taken aback, suddenly ashamed by their earlier blind pluckiness. "I'm gonna...get some water," they offer, before traipsing off very quickly in search of such.

Leta doesn't really fight the hug. The weight of it might be nearly to the point of pain, but it's acting as an anxiety blanket to the panicked mage. "I'm sorry I shared that with you," she mutters with her mouth buried in Fox's shoulder. "Nobody else should've had to carry it. I should've been there in the first place, but instead I was home acting like a goofy fuck up."

She goes slack a little bit in Fox's arms. "... and then the fucking medical science facility. Mark? Seeing the shit they did to him? To the others? That doesn't feel like a victory."

"To answer your prior question, kiddo, yes, you are really baby." Big tight hugs. Fox nods a little to Tanya, offering her an almost grateful smile. Sometimes knowing when to take a beat from a conversation is the best thing a person can do. "Thanks, kiddo," she offers gently, with a flickering smile. "Babe, no, no, no. I asked you. Repeatedly. I asked you to let me help you carry that weight. And I also asked you to be at home with the kid. You know the first week after Awakening is one of the hardest times in a person's life, because everything is real for the first time and everything is falling apart." Kisses for the top of Leta's head, and more big tight hugs.

"It's not. This is our Empire Strikes Back moment, okay? We didn't win this. We survived it. We got out with Luke getting a prosthetic hand and Lando going off with Chewie in search of Luke, okay? We're not to our Return of the Jedi point yet. We're not. But we will get there."

Tanya comes back very slowly, carrying several bottles of water and a few pieces of fruit that may or may not be decorative. They place them down nearby the two and give them a modest smile, not retaking a seat on the couch just yet. But they are a part of this, and they listen. They watch. And they smile further as they watch Fox care for Leta.

"It doesn't feel like that, though." Leta's voice is muffled as she buries her face in Fox's shoulder, and she may or may not be crying. Does your shoulder feel damp, Fox? Reply hazy, try again. "It feels like the world is on fire, and I know that..." A Beat. "I'm fated to die at some point when it rages out of control, and I'm just so fucking tired."(edited)

One hand reaches out to touch Tanya, a sort of anchoring thing -- possibly for Fox, possibly for Tanya herself. "Okay, so, what, your Doom is to die in defense of the Tree? But... when, Leta? Now? Tomorrow? Two hundred years from now? You don't know. No one knows. Stop killing yourself in your damn head." Sometimes all you can do is just hang on and hold someone tight through their moment of crisis. "I know it doesn't feel that way. It's been a long fucking week. But I promise you, we are just past the end of Empire right now, okay?"

Tanya places a hand on Fox's, offering what comfort they can. Even a baby can comfort others, after all. Without wanting to breach the conversation yet, their other hand takes up a bottle of water to have a sip.

"Okay," Leta offers in a quiet voice that doesn't sound entirely convinced. "Okay. I trust you."

She stays in Fox's arms for a little bit longer before letting go, and reaching for the water bottle. Drinking heavily, and crying without rehydration seems like a surefire way to give yourself a hangover.

"I'm going to go change into my pajamas," is offered as she stumbles out of the room. "... and then I'd like to be sober if that's okay."

"I know. And I'm going to do my best not to let you down, babe. I love you." And then Fox lets go of Leta, gently releasing her.

"That sounds like a really, really good idea. Both of those things." Once Leta stumbles away, Fox leans to offer Tanya a hug around the waist. "Good job, kiddo."

Tanya accepts the hug and returns it, closing their eyes a moment. They watch Leta stumble off, with a frown. "I know that...people need to face things. But whatever it was, is it...something she has to remember? Something with value?" They speak quietly, clearly unsure themselves. "I guess...it would just put off actually facing it."

"She already remembered it, was the problem. But she was the only one who did." Fox lets out a heavy sigh, squeezing an arm around Tanya's waist before releasing it and reaching for a bottle of water. "When you turn back time -- as she did -- you can save the world. Six seconds at a time, but that can be enough. If you've seen the latest season of The Umbrella Academy, you know what I mean."

Apparently it's all references tonight from Fox. "And that's how she saved the Tree. They'd ruined it. They'd broken it. The Seers. They sent through spirits and ... " Her voice breaks, then, into a gekkering little sound, some small fracture of the pure and primal heartbreak that she felt in a moment that only existed now in memory and shadow. "... tore it apart. Ripped it out of the ground. This masterwork, this mystery, they had destroyed it, and she -- saved is. And probably saved us."

"And she was the only one who was carrying those horrible seconds around in her head."

"And now she's not."

At first hearing that brings only further awe, and sympathetic horror. Wonder and revulsion, that such a thing could be possible, and that such a fate could be lived. Then, eventually, their lips curl into a frown. The neophyte's obvious frustration. The expression that says, no, this is just a puzzle to be solved, and maybe I'm the only one who sees it. "That's...but... If it didn't HAPPEN, why does it have to hurt? She shouldn't have to...she doesn't DESERVE to suffer." Their expression grows even more cross as they mull it over. "She deserves credit...thanks...praise, celebration...but... she could have that without the burden. It's not even a magic thing, right? There's trauma patients, they give them medication to prevent long-term memory formation so they won't..." It all comes tumbling out now, all the assumptions and guesses and objections they've been restraining.

"I don't know. I'm not -- a student of Mind. But in that moment, it doesn't work like that. She was focusing on saving us, not on preventing her own trauma. Sometimes I get hurt when I'm taking care of people, but I don't -- think about it until later. I can heal myself after everyone else is okay." A pause. "And it's like that with -- "

And then all of a sudden, Fox stops. "The Old Man's ... the water by The Old Man."

She blinks. "Tanya, you're a genius. She doesn't need that memory. You can take memories out of your head and drop them in the river by The Old Man of the Abyss, and they cease to exist. Aletheia told us, when we were by the Fallen Tree, in the Astral, I know none of this makes any sense to you right now but what's important is that if she doesn't want to keep that memory, she doesn't need to."

"Like the waters of the Lethe. Fuck! It's almost perfect."

"I do need this memory, though." Leta announces in the hallway leading towards the living room, just before she comes back into view in pajamas. She's wearing a baggy (probably stolen) shirt that reads: "WALK INTO A CLUB LIKE WHAT UP I GOT A BIG D-OH GOD THIS IS A FUNERAL, I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS" and a pair of... well, they're basically grey booty shorts. "It's my memory, and my mind is mine no matter the state it's in. I'm not going to put it down unless you put it down, too... and I don't think we should."

Clearly Leta sobered herself up while she was gone. Peripheral sight notes that she's carrying a spell to clear her head, though her body is likely still quite inebriated. She's no Life mage.

"I'm not saying I should suffer with it just for the sake of suffering, but... it's easy to myself slip sometimes. I could use the reminder."(edited)

Tanya stares at Fox's reaction, almost blushing. "Wow...really? We can't do that just with...spells?" It takes a moment for the right word to be found, but it's there, buried in Tanya's own memory of the Awakening, or the portion of it retainable by their conscious mind. There's also no objection to Fox's actual plan, and the fascination on the student's face is clear.

When Leta returns, Tanya looks up and gives a nod, but still frowns tightly. "It's your choice. Always. But...please don't make yourself suffer just because you think that you deserve to, or that you need it to get stronger. That's... a lie. And the people who tell it to us are the most deserving of suffering that they never get, and they've become the strongest at everyone's expense. They tell us to suffer and then sleep at night without a moment's regret."

Tanya stops, and their posture suddenly shrinks back down from defiant to embarassed and meek. "Uh. Sorry. It's your choice."

"Only if you hold the spell indefinitely," Fox answers Tanya. "Living patterns don't take to permanent effects very well." It's sort of rote -- she just answers the question without thinking about it. Fox has had a lot of apprentices over the years, and the teaching is just sort of baked in at this point.

"You're allowed to have opinions. Being an apprentice doesn't mean you don't know shit, it just means you know less about magic than the rest of us." A beat, and then she turns back to Leta, making a simple gesture with one hand, her fingers curling and then flexing outward, purging the alcohol -- and whatever else is in Leta's blood -- from her veins. "If you want to get rid of this memory, Leta, I will go with you to the Astral and we will dump it into the river by the Old Man of the Abyss together. But as long as you carry it, I will, too."

Oh God, there's so much in Leta's blood. Traces of several illicit substances that've remained there from a few days of highs - even after she's sobered up and come down. Even so, Leta's still frowning as she throws herself into a chair, sitting in it like only a disaster bisexual can.

"I'll consider getting rid of it, but I think it's important. It's my memory. I formed it. It may be traumatic, but the things that happen to me are the things that make me. It's not about suffering to grow stronger, or to stick it to the man, or whatever. If I'm going to start being selective about which memories -- which experiences -- I keep, then I run the risk of stripping apart the essence of Leta Abbott. With pieces removed and replaced, am I still me? Possibly, but how many times can I do that before my being is fundamentally changed. What if that change is worse? It's a slippery slope." A beat. "... and even if I wasn't philosophically opposed. Like. No offense to Vasha, but doing mental patch jobs over painful memories has only done much more harm in the long run. I'm not going to start doing that after chastising him for it."(edited)

Tanya nods. There's clearly more on their mind, but what Leta has said is True. The student looks to Fox after that. "Um. Do I still get to learn about the Astral and the Abyss...?" they ask hopefully.

"I will carry this as long as you do, and if that's the rest of my life, that's the choice I made," Fox answers Leta, as if it were really just that simple. (To Fox, it is.) "If you want to get rid of it, I will go with you. It's your memory, and I'm helping you carry it because by your actions, which saved us, you ended up with a memory that no one else can verify because you edited it out of the universe. Okay? That's it. There's an option. You can be done with it, if you want to."

At that, she turns her attention to Tanya, smiling somewhat lopsidedly. "You're going to have to, kid."

"If you've got more to say you should just say it," Leta offers before leaning forward to fetch a Tupperware container full of drug paraphernalia from underneath the coffee table. She removes a pack of American Spirits, and a Ridiculously Fancy Lighter. "Verbal restraint isn't a common trait in this apartment. Quite frankly it isn't a particularly common trait this city either."

She lights a cigarette and then tosses everything back into the box, and sliding it out of sight beneath the table. "... and thank you, Fox. I know that that's a Thing for you, and I really appreciate you wanting to spare me that fate."

Tanya gives a look of modest embarassment. "Oh. I mean. I agree with everything you said. And I don't really know Vasha, but if you've seen it go badly for someone...that's wise. I just..." They pause, and close their eyes. Take a breath. When they open them again, their tone is different, their shoulders straight. Nothing mystical, no change in their Pattern, no flare of the Nimbus, but the awkward presence is gone, as if someone else is speaking. "Any change you choose yourself can only make you more of yourself," they intone. Softer again, they consider: "...but I guess there's plenty of bad choices you can make. Stuff that will mess you up. You can choose to get hooked on hard drugs, or set fire to your house."

The student groans. "This is why I wasn't saying anything. I feel like I know...everything, and nothing, at the same fucking time."

This sounds like Mastigos Talk. The Thyrsus offers Leta a small smile aside. "You are my cadremate, my lover, my friend, my skulk." The collective noun for a group of foxes. "I will do whatever it is that you need to be taken care of." And that's all Fox has to say. She drinks some water, too.

Leta makes grabby hands at Fox. Clearly she'd like a chairmate.

"Sure. That's very true when it comes to certain things, but we're not talking about dying our hair, or getting a tattoo, or taking hormones. We're not even talking about rewriting neural pathways to create skills where there were none. Those decisions are far less permanent than the sorts of correction we're talking about. Removing memories -- pieces of ourselves -- is making the active decision to rewrite our lived experiences, and the people we are. Yes, your mind is yours to do with what you will, but where would you be if the most important moment of your life never happened? Without the experience that defines you as a person? What if you made the decision to remove it without knowing it's importance?"

Leta offers a little shrug, and then sticks out her tongue.

"If you want to drastically alter your mind, you should just explore that with psychedelics like the rest of us."(edited)

Tanya has opinions, but they're eager to learn. Their eyes widen and they lean in trying to absorb and retain every single word as clearly as possible. "You're right. Doing that just because you can would be...yeah." There's a certain humility to them now, without the embarassment or awkwardness. "I...when I Awakened...It's still hard to put into words, and my mind can't hold all of it. But when I did it, when I touched the other side...when I broke through, I could see everything. I saw me. Every me. Other selves. And they weren't just...I could have been...ANY of them. I can barely remember what they were like, but I remember the feeling. Knowing that I could pick anywhere in infinity to be and that everything else would adjust itself to make way for Me. But I still didn't know what I wanted. Even when I was connected to the Truth."

They offer a smile. "We're still making ourselves. Changing how we got here won't help us discover ourselves."

Fox does go to the chair where Leta is, and flop down on her lap. Because one thing a fox will never turn down is a very good snuggle.

"Spoiler alert: very few people know what they want to be, and most of the ones that say they do would probably change their minds with a broader range of experiences." Leta wraps her arms around Fox, and rests her chin on the Thyrsus's shoulder. "Don't take that as me saying "it's pointless to want things" because that's the opposite of what I mean. Want whatever you want. Use your desire to pursue your goals, but don't be ashamed about not knowing or about changing your mind when you find something else you want. The only way you'll know for sure is when you've experienced everything there is." A beat. "... which is very unlikely to ever occur. Even if you're Fox."

Then she smooches the Thyrsus on the cheek.(edited)

"I'm gonna try, though," Fox offers, snuggling in close to Leta, who seems to be feeling better.

Tanya smiles at the floor a bit. "Yeah. No, I'm not ashamed of not knowing. You made me realize I couldn't know it, because it's a truth I have yet to create. It's not..." They tuck their hair behind an ear a moment. "A few days ago, I knew EVERYTHING, for a few moments. I don't remember it, just how it felt. I'm adjusting to being back in this...I mean, this is much nicer than the dorms, but it's still..." They make a face, and rap a hand against the table, whap whap. "Solid. Gross. Concrete. You know?"

"No, not really." Leta's laugh is an annoying-ish little chittering sound. "Elaborate?"

Tanya looks a bit more frustrated at being asked to elaborate. "I...ugh, the WORDS. Everything I can remember is just this FEELING, and every word I know doesn't fit right. This is just..." The table gets thumped again. "It's matter, it's boring stupid stuff that gets in the way. It sits there for us to fucking trip over and trudge through. It's an obstacle. I was beyond all of it. I was everywhere, and I knew everything, and I was everyone. I broke free of these...bars, chains, prison, I feel like I'm..."

Their cheeks puff out. "It's like...baby talk."

"I hate to be the one to tell you this, but shaping matter is never going to come easy to you. I've had to work twice as hard at it to be half as effective, and it's never gotten easier. There're things you can do with mind -- to temporarily project beyond the need to interact with it -- but unfortunately that's the straw we've drawn as Mastigos." There's a little shrug.

Tanya shakes their head. "I don't want to shape it. I just remember not NEEDING it. It's just barriers, bars...separation," they say, sorting through their limited english vocabulary in an attempt to describe the Supernal. "If I can project beyond it again, far enough...that would be nice. Is that the Astral you two were talking about?"

Uuuuunfortunately, Leta's already started dozing off. She's had a big day and now there's a Sweet Fox in her lap and suddenly she's way too sleepy to focus on the mysteries of the supernal and the Astral.

Sorry, Tanya. Ask again later. Now is sleepy time...

Tanya just smiles. They settle back on the couch and close their eyes to join Leta and Fox in slumber, unknowingly taking their first step towards the Astral, into their next dream.