Logs:Transtigos

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Content Warning

Talkin' bout gender dysphoria and transition

Cast

Tanya, Leta Abbott, Little Fox

Setting

The Firebirds apartment

Log

Leta Abbott isn't like other trans girls for a number of reasons. Namely, she's Awakened and a wildly powerful Mind master, but also because she fuckin' loves to go swimming and gives exactly (0) shits what people think about that.

So she's currently lounging in the rooftop hot tub in a black bikini, the dark-lensed teashades she seems to wear nearly everywhere, and wearing her messy blonde hair in a bun. She exhales a plume of smoke at the sky and sets her pipe aside.

"Fuck. I should've tried to unicorn for a polycule of Russian oligarchs a long time ago..."

Tanya isn't quite as bold as Leta just yet. But they've had time to admire their attitude and manner. When they arrive on the roof to join Leta, they're in a long dark t-shirt that goes to mid thigh. "Unicorn?" they ask innocently enough, dipping a hand in the tub to gauge its temperature. "Mind some company?"

"Oh, come on. You know what a unicorn is, right?" Leta offers a wheeze-y little stoner giggle in response to the question, and gestures to the hit tub around her. "I don't mind the company at all -- but I refuse to believe that you don't know what a Unicorn is." She sticks out her tongue. Which is pierced and adorned with a little metal ball.

"How're you doing tonight?"

Tanya makes a pouty face as they clamber into the hot tub in their t-shirt. "Leta, I'm baby. Seriously. I'm still figuring out keeping my legs smooth. I don't know all the lingo, and I'm learning that and all this Atlantis shit at the same time." They pick up Leta's pipe to take a hit and catch up, coughing. "I didn't even...what's the term, clock you? For a long while. So if I had to guess, the Unicorn's the conventionally attractive little femme of the group that everyone wants to bang and/or covet?"

"Fuck," Leta just fucking cackles at that answer, and her laughter devolves into a little coughing fit before she catches her breath. "Okay, so basically a Unicorn is a single woman interested in participating in sexual encounters with a couple. It's usually a term used in swinger circles, but I'm mostly just talking shit to amuse myself. I'm not actually the Firebirds' Unicorn -- though I like to think that I am an attractive femme that everyone wants to bang." Leta quirks an eyebrow at Tanya as they rip from her bong. "... given what I saw of your Awakening, I imagine you did clock me. I just don't think you knew what it meant at the time."

Tanya grins at Leta's reaction, relaxing into the water and holding the pipe out. "Oh, that kind of unicorn. And...OH, you're talking about Vasha and FOX!" They lose it laughing and snorting, hands on their face. "I was like, gee, are there really that many polycules of Russian oligarchs out there...?"(edited)

"Well, I'm sure there are. I assume that all of the rich bastards in the world have those crazy fuckin' blindfolded-ass-to-ass-on-a-double-sided-dildo type parties in Eyes Wide Shut. Probably bound to be one or two polycules in all that." Leta offers another little laugh, and reaches off to the side for her drink. Which is a disgusting-looking Monster Energy drink with coffee. "... but anyhow. I knew there was no way you didn't know what I was talking about."

They grin back and take another hit before setting the pipe aside and staring up at the stars. "I knew what you meant, but I thought you were talking about the eyes wide shut stuff, yeah. I think this setup's a lot nicer." They lift their head to peer over at Leta a moment. "I seriously had no idea you were trans until a couple of weeks after my Awakening. I'm being honest. My egg was pretty scrambled after all that. And uh, I was pretty self-focused. I'm a bit more evened out now."

"Oh, no. Well," Leta tilts her head and looks up at rhe night sky with a pensive expression on her face. "Honestly, I'd probably be very into one of those Eyes Wide Shut parties, too, but I think your average Russian Oligarch probably isn't very fond of trans women. Unicorn or not." She makes a little hrrm sound, and shrugs the thought away. "Yes, but from what I saw of your Awakening, it was transition-related, and -- as another trans woman -- I effectively played a part in that narrative even though I was just a spectator."

There's a slightly embarassed look by Tanya at that clarification. "Oh, yes, you're right. I mean, I'm still trying to figure out what it all means. You were a very important part. Did you see the demons too? They looked like me, all of them, but they were different me's. Some of them were awful and stubbly, and one looked like my dad..."

"I did, yeah." Leta offers a slow little nod. "I was mostly trying to ensure that nobody interfered in your Awakening -- malicious or otherwise -- but I was trying to keep an eye out for what happened." She tugs her glasses down the bridge of her nose and peers over them at Tanya. "What was your interpretation of that event? Those demons?"(edited)

Tanya has to take a moment to think. "I was afraid of them. They represented what I was afraid of becoming, of being seen as. Ugly, weak, flawed. I didn't know what I wanted, so they showed me what I DIDN'T want...and dared me to do something about it. To take control of myself." Tanya nods. "They made me realize, if I didn't define myself, someone else would." They're quiet a moment, staring down at the water after that, a glimpse at their reflection. "And I said fuck that."

`I see," Leta offers a pensive humming sound as she tips up her can of Java Monster, and drains the last of her drink. "You said 'fuck that' to being defined by someone else? Or to the idea that you must define yourself before other people do?" A beat. "Admittedly I have some strong opinions that intersect with this particular subject, but I want to hear your thought processes before I say anything. So it doesn't come off as me unloading it all on you."

She sticks out her tongue and wiggles it for emphasis. See? Leta is very nice.

Tanya nods. "To being defined by someone else. To being passive. To just going with the flow because it's easier and safer. Fuck THAT. I thought I was being easygoing and humble, but I was just avoiding confrontation. Letting other people influence you is one thing, inspire you, but...I was so focused on pleasing other people and doing what I was 'supposed' to do, that I never stopped to question what I wanted. I had to define myself, but I didn't even know I could."(edited)

Leta quirks an eyebrow at the response. "... and how would you define yourself now that you've had time to process and acclimate somewhat?"

Tanya is quiet a while, and for a moment seems cowed, uncertain. But in response to that hesitation their eyebrows furrow down. "I...think it's still a big work in progress. There's a big gulf between what I know I want to be and where I'm at. My ideal self is bold, and brash, and confident, but I can't even give you a clear answer," they huff, looking frustrated. There's a long silence, and then they shake their head. "Nonbinary. I identify as nonbinary. I'm transgender," they say, and then grimace slightly. "Why is that so fucking difficult?"

Pap pap pap. Sometimes Fox is a fox. Sometimes they are a fox with strange coloring because they're wearing clothes when she shapeshifts. Sometimes they're just a little red fox, wandering around and yawning real big. Pap pap pap.

"Well. It's probably difficult for you to say, because you've spent so long towing the line -- being good and following the rules -- that talking about breaking them still feels taboo." Leta pushes the sunglasses back up the bridge of her nose, and wiggles her fingers at the Fox. "Alternatively, you may have some internalized shit that's telling you that you aren't trans enough, and saying it aloud pings your imposter syndrome."

The Mastigos sits up, and reaches for her bong. It's time for more smoke, clearly. "... but there's nothing wrong with being a work in progress. Coming out is one of the boldest things a person can do, but it is just the first step in a journey with no real end point. We're all works in progress. Even the -- what did you say earlier? -- little femmes everyone wants to bang and/or covet."

She offers a chittering little laugh, and then takes a massive bong rip.(edited)

Tanya looks like they weren't expecting that response. There's a gasp as Leta seems to hit the nail right on the head with both assessments. They nod, and even blush a fair bit at the little returned quote at the end. "Okay, you really do understand. I'm glad. Thank you. That...is that Fox?" They look over at the trotty little animal, taking a second before starting to visibly focus, dialing in their mage sight. "I might be stoned but probably not a normal fox all the way up here. Lemme see if I can tell..."

Pap pap pap. Fox pads over to the hot tub and puts her forepaws on Leta's shoulder, as if she's about to climb up on Leta's head and be a hat.

If she hears Tanya talking, she pays no mind.

Leta exhales smoke towards the sky, and then tilts her head towards Fox, letting them climb up onto her head if they wish. Though she's not wildly enthused about the prospect of having her already messy hair be a nest.

"Of course I understand," Leta offers a chortle. "I'm you, but stronger -- and yes. This fox is Fox. If this fox is Not Fox, it'd be very silly of me to let this fox sit on my head."

Tanya laughs at that and sticks their tongue out at both of them. "I wouldn't mind looking more like you after some levelling-up at all," they reply to Leta with a wink and a giggle. "And no, probably not. My friend had a roommate once who decided to bring a wild fox home because they saw it...it destroyed most of their apartment before being shut in the bedroom. My friend convinced them to just open the doors and let it escape..."

Sometimes a fox has to be a hat. So that's exactly what the fox does, carefully balancing on Leta's head like a bright orange ushanka. There's a rush of Fox's bright-green, sweet-smelling nimbus, and they yawn broadly. It is I, Fox, they agree, gekkering softly. Any animals here are probably me. I am animals a lot.

Leta reaches up, and pets Fox's tail. She's trying to pet Fox's head, but it's hard to judge where you're petting, when the object of your tactility is situated beyond line of sight.

"Well. If you want to look like me, go to Planned Parenthood and start hormone replacement therapy through informed consent, and then adhere to schedule for five years while working out and eating well." She gestures vaguely towards Fox. "Or, you know, just learn Life and then do whatever you want."

Tanya's cheeks puff out. "That's the weird thing, isn't it? Hormones sound intimidating. I could stand to be a bit slimmer and fitter, I could work on that first. Maybe you could show me your routine?" They smile with wonder at the fox-hat, and swish closer in the hot tub to attempt to gently pet the animal-master.

You can do both. Life and hormones. You could make the hormones work better or faster if you want. It's really up to you how you want to approach it. Just realize that no Life-based solution is going to be permanent, unless you're enhancing thigns that do the work. Fox gets her butt petted, and gekkers softly, bapping Leta's nose with her tail.

"If you want to start hormones, you should start them before slimming down -- and honestly, slimming down is an overrated, and optional part of the process." Leta swats Fox's tail out of her face with a little giggle. "If you're not augmenting them with magic, they take roughly two years before you'll see the full effects, and you're going to wish you'd started sooner -- plus, they'll change your body again anyway -- if you work out first."(edited)

Tanya's eyes widen at all of that. "That's..." They huff out a breath, and despite their boldness they look a little uncomfortable. "It's so committed to one thing. Ugh. Maybe I have more doubt sewn in there than I thought." They stare down at themselves in the shirt a while. "I probably sound like a coward, don't I? Hedging my bets. Wanting to be more fluid but not feeling valid enough to pull the trigger on hormones."

No, you sound like literally every other person who's ever started HRT ever, Fox offers, bapping her tail against Leta's nose again. It's very normal to not be certain about big changes, even if you want them.

"Well here's the thing. I'm not a doctor," she's cut off by a wheezing cough. "Okay, I am technically a doctor, but not a medical doctor, which means I can't really tell you how medical transition will effect you -- but I can tell you is that cis people don't really have these kinds of internal debates."

She gestures up at Fox. "... but yeah. That. Don't worry about validity. Being valid is such an overrated concept in trans circles. Focus on doing what you want with your own body, and fuck what other people say about it. Not psychologists, and not other trans people."

She tilts her head to the side. Not enough to disturb Fox, but enough. "... and I know that I'm a trans psychologist, so take that with a grain of salt."(edited)

Tanya looks even more irritated briefly. "Do they REALLY? Fuck, it must be so nice, just breezing through life without identity conflict. How privileged." There's a brief huff. "Well...I'm privileged too, now. Nobody else can use magic to try before they buy. Or peek into the future to see how it goes, or whatnot. I don't have to make any big decisions just yet. Thank you, I was starting to feel...pressured?" There's a little laugh. "I've told my friends that, sometimes it's like I'd be fine being a boy, but not a man. I think my actual identity will take a while to untangle." There's another glance down at their billowy shirt moving around them in the water, hiding their shape.

And that's okay, too. For a while, I thought I was just a woman. Then I realized that I... And Fox's voice sort of trails off there, as she tries to not fall off of Leta's head. It's important not to be tipped off of your girlfriend's head and into the water. ... uh... that I'm not even just one species. It's okay if it takes a long time.

"Exactly," Leta shrugs. "For me, I tried out being Nonbinary first, because it was a safe place to experiment with my identity and my gender expression where I felt like I still had a foot in my old world. That wasn't right for me, though. I found it wasn't for me, and I decided to try something else." A beat. "This wasn't the first thing I tried, and honestly I doubt it'll be the last thing I try. It'll probably be the place I always come back to, but self-experimentation and introspection are some of the most transgressive things you can do in a world where most people are loathe to even consider their own existence."(edited)

They nod at that, and smile up at Leta and her Fox-Hat. "Thank you," they just say. There's a bit of a stare at Leta after that.... "Maybe you are me from the future...you have all that Time magic, right?" Tanya reaches down and pulls off the big baggy shirt. Underneath is a body that's still somewhat square-shouldered and narrow-hipped, flat chest and padded belly. But it's theirs, and it's been fit into a black three piece bikini they bought themselves, and impeccably groomed and smooth for that purpose. Tanya smiles proudly at the both of them after dumping the shirt on the side of the hot tub and standing up out of the water to reach for the bong. "The good thing is," they quip, "I'm so ready to do some transgressing."

"See? It feels much better to do what you want, doesn't it? To exercise control over your own flesh -- and whatever the fuck decorations you wish to hang upon it?" Leta offers a warm smile, and then reaches for her water bottle. Which says Do Not Drink. Poison" in curly, dramatic letters. "Well. I'm probably not literally you, but you're hardly the first AMAB trans person. Our struggles might seem unique because we are rare, but there're so many folx who've been through what you're going through."

There's a pause, and she sticks out her tongue. "... I might be, though, so I'm very sorry in advance for what you'll have to go through."

Tanya nods, and sighs, and sinks back into the water. "To enact my own will instead of fretting over what others approve of. Yes, it feels fucking great." They stick a tongue back out at Leta and wink. "You're not supposed to run into yourself from the past though, right? We'd explode if we touched each other or something."

"Usually it doesn't work like that -- but who knows? I'd have to ask someone that's better with Time than I am. Maybe they'd have an answer for sure." Leta offers a little chuckle, and shrugs. "... anyway. Do you have any other questions? Just. General transition shit you wanna know about?"

Tanya makes a pfffffft noise with their lips. "Not really, I feel like...you both told me what I wanted to hear. I'm seriously like, relieved." They give another tiny wink. "You didn't recoil or leave when I took my shirt off, so I'll take that to mean I'm not that bad to begin with."

"I think it would be unconscionably cruel if I did that, but my view of what is and isn't "that bad" is probably a different metric than the terms you're thinking in." Leta tilts her head to the side again. "Physical forms are overrated. Traditional beauty is overrated. Passing is overrated -- and I realize the privilege I have as someone who does fall into those categories, but I do think that the most attractive thing a person can do is be their true, genuine self. Right now? You seem happy. You seem genuine. That's the important part for internal cohesion, and I would never just get up and leave in response to that."

There's another little blep, and she wiggles her tongue.

Tanya flutters their eyelashes. "Wow. I was just doing the dumb self-deprecating passive aggressive humor thing but...that's a beautiful answer. And you're absolutely right. That's how I already think. I guess I just need to keep hearing it from someone else." They float a bit, staring up at the night sky. "Or get better at listening to myself."

"I know you were," Leta quirks an eyebrow, and flashes a knowing little smile. "... but I caution against making self depreciating remarks about your physical appearance. It's taken me a very long time to train myself out of the habit." There's a long pause, and she scrunches up her face. "Not to bring down the mood, but... The world will rarely be kind to you, so you should be kind to yourself when you can help it."(edited)

The neophyte's brows furrow, and they nod. "You're absolutely right. Oof, it's just old habits, like you said. A shell. I like you, so I want you to like me, so I hold myself back for fear of driving you off." They sit up and look at Leta. "I should just do what I want, within reason, and trust you have the taste to appreciate how awesome I am."

"If you show your true, genuine self to the world, and it isn't appreciated? Those people don't deserve you anyway." Leta offers a little shrug. "So yeah. Obviously don't be a fucking asshole, but. Be yourself, and we will bask in it."