|
"Teagan?" It's home. Johnnie's voice isn't demanding, or fragile, but it is hesitant. "I'm home. Are you around?" She shrugs out of her duster and boots the long way, using her own hands, either a little too out of it to rely on her shadows or actively trying to stay grounded. Beneath is boring- bare feet and denim and a plain grey tee. And Sigknifr strapped to her ribs.
There's silence for a while, and then, from the corner of the living room, a voice:
"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes, Johnnie?"
Teagan sits in the corner, back to one wall and head leaned against the one 90 degrees from it, Baby in their lap; the Mirrorskin's fingers wrap around the handle of the machete. It's not a threatening gesture, inherently; she's seen this before from them. It's calming. It's pacification.
Baby isn't a threat, not to Johnnie, no more than Sigknifr would be to Teagan. The question leaves Johnnie narrowing her eyes faintly, shaking her head a touch. "That depends. If it was Sturm or Sig or June, I'd ask what the other guy looked like, but if it was- I dunno, Anneliese or something, I'd probably ask who needed a beating. Is- that a riddle?" She relocates to conversational distance, settling nearer and sitting on the floor, as she often does.
They slowly turn their head, broken mirrors reflecting even in the darkness, and stare. Perhaps at Johnnie, perhaps past her, perhaps... who can say? Teagan's eyes don't really focus, and their face in the darkness looks far more sinister than it has any right to in this home. Their Mantle pops and cracks and snarls around the utterly-still Mirrorskin, all heat and fury, all milspec radios crackling like war drums just far enough away to not be heard, all asphalt biting at knees and baking the city.
"Nothing. You already told that bitch twice."
The end of the horrible, terrible, supposed joke gets dropped into the room like a grenade into the silence.
Phrased like that, not even Johnnie can miss the absolute dehumanizing nature of the comment. She recoils, revulsed- for a moment, too shocked to say anything. "Fuck, but that's twisted. Is-" It takes a moment for the dots to connect, but when they do, Johnnie goes from looking roughly equidistant from confusion, revulsion, and hesitance to squarely situation in disbelief. "Is that what you thought I said? Is that why you've been furious at me all day?"
They pick up their whetstone, sitting between their knees, and absently begin running it down the blade. "I guess you kind of missed the whole 'Sigrun pries open the oldest wounds after Glitch almost fucking kills Teagan' episode, didn't you?" The Mirrorskin doesn't really explain what that means, just sends a metallic shink through the room. "Sometimes it doesn't matter if it's what you said; what matters is how close it was."
Johnnie's lips press into a thin line at that reminder. "Yeah, I guess I did." The syllables are sharp. It doesn't take much to tell she's struggling- compounding this with what feels like a criticism for not being there isn't going down easy. "I don't- have a catalog of every shitty thing someone somewhere's ever said, Teagan. It was supposed to be a funny compliment for Sturm because she's a killer fighter and literally hit me twice during times I was volunteering to get swung at. I apologize- I'm sorry I stepped on a landmine, I guess, but-" She turns her head, trying to swallow some of her frustration. "-but I just spent an entire day trying to figure out what the fuck I did wrong and the answer is "said something similar to a fucked up line I've never heard before"?" Her hands go up. "The fuck do I even do with that? I can't even fucking try to avoid doing it again, I can't fucking avoid something I don't know exists. Should I sit down and study the worst things one person can say to another? What do you want me to do, Teagan? I'm sorry I upset you, I really fucking am, but I have no idea how to never do this again and that's terrifying."
"Sometimes shit just isn't about you, Johnnie," comes Teagan's answer. "Sometimes, when what you say hits one of the oldest and nastiest quote un quote jokes in the abuser's handbook, sometimes I can't deal with it, and I have to leave." Shink. Shink. Shink. If that were anything but a magical machete, they would have sharpened it out of existence by now.
"And sometimes, that means that I have to drag the shit up again so you don't get fucking blindsided, and it takes me a couple fucking hours to be ready to deal with talking about it again. We're all fucked up. And sometimes? That's gonna mean you step on a landmine, or I will, and we're gonna have to fucking deal with it."
All of that said in a low, guttural tone, Teagan stops, twisting their head to look back at the Helldiver again. "Now do you want to fucking know or not?"
It takes a long moment for Johnnie to respond.
It's not that she's not paying attention- there's several false starts, like when Teagan says it's not about her, or that they just had to leave, and again when they end with that very specifically worded question. There's a lot going on behind Vorpal's expression, and it's getting reined in repeatedly.
What she finally does say? Simply- "Yeah. I want to know." It's not entirely flat, and it's as gentle as she can manage, but that's about all that can be said for her tone. She's trying very hard to set aside all the little hurts Teagan caused while dealing with a much bigger one, trying to let it be Not About Her, and- for now, at least- she's succeeding.
They watch her very, very carefully, watching all of those little reactions getting shoved down, and Teagan waits. They wait in silence and stillness, save for that one hand moving the whetstone along the blade. They could be an old animation loop where only the arm actually gets actually animated and the rest is just a flat cell.
"I had a lot of younger brothers and sisters," Teagan says, in a voice that's very flat, and very, very far away. "He basically bought me from my dad. They called it a dowry, but I was young, I was good-looking enough for him, and I'd been raised to be -- you know -- compliant. A good Catholic girl. Get married, have babies." Shink. Shink. Shink. "I was fifteen."
"He was more than twice my age." The Mirrorskin looks down at the blade, then. "You can fill in the rest. What a man who thinks he can own a woman like property will do with that woman. With that person he thinks is a woman." Shink. Shink. Shink. "I was... eighteen. The night he tried to hurt the puppy my brother gave me for my birthday. He didn't want me to have the dog. I guess he figured someday the dog would protect me from him. Or maybe he just didn't want me to have anything that made me happy. It doesn't matter. He tried to hurt the dog while I was making dinner. While I was cutting up meat."
"He was supposed to love me. And he didn't."
"And then he died."
These are all just the facts. The facts of something that happened to someone a very long time ago, in another lifetime. The way Teagan says them, they have no emotional weight, one would think. Of course that isn't true, but the way they say it, it's like it's nothing.
"And then I killed him. And the blood on my hands opened a Gate when I ran away. I don't know what happened to my dog. I think I took him with me. Nothing good."
Johnnie is pretty much an open book- she doesn't bother to hide much besides the true extent of her unnatural grace, and that only when she has to- and it's easy to read what's behind her expression.
The surprise at being reminded that Teagan couldn't always rework their body and that at some point Before, they would have been labeled as One or the Other.
The shock at realizing part of what Teagan had been through.
The horror at compiling the first with the second.
The disgust at the lengths the fiend in the story was willing to go to for control.
There's no shock at hearing what Teagan did. That's relief. That's catharsis. It's a pattern she's familiar with, and hearing its genesis as counterpoint to that monstrosity-
And then it leads to Arcadia and the dog goes with and her face goes pale again.
There's a few moments of quiet.
"... I'm so sorry, Teagan."
They sit and wait for Johnnie to get all the way through her reactions, just sort of... walled off. Closed up behind the glass of their still expression. "And then ... a couple of months ago, Glitch decided to use that fucking contract that makes you just go balls-out stupid out of control, Red whatever, while he was carrying this stupid iron sword he used to have. Was barely a sword, it was more like a fucking crowbar." The Mirrorskin puts their whetstone down, rests Baby across their lap.
"And when we ran out of targets, I was the closest person to him."
"He split me from throat to hip. The only reason he's not Oathbroken is because I wound back time. Made it never happen.
"It happened to me, of course. I saw the same look in the eyes of another man who is supposed to love me. That look like I'm ... nothing. Like he wants to kill me." A deep breath in.
"So yeah, you gotta be careful with some shit around me, Johnnie. I'm used to ... not giving a shit... when it's people I don't care about, saying this shit."
Johnnie hardly knows what to do when the next words out of Teagan's mouth are "and then" one more time. She listens all over again, face still pale, eyeshines tiny, sharp points in deep shadow. "Gods. Yeah. I- get it. I get why it hurt."
"I was- so frustrated. All I could think was that you know me, you should know that wasn't what I meant, but after not once but twice- I can... get. Why you can't afford to know better. And I'm sorry my words hurt you. I'll... I dunno. Try to be more careful. I didn't realize there was any way to take what I was saying- anything like that, but I'll try to... be more imaginative, when I'm trying to be considerate."
A long, slow breath eases out of their lungs, and Teagan listens as Johnnie talks. At the end of it, they shove themself up to their feet, and wander away from the wall, setting Baby down on an end table, the whetstone next to the machete. "I just -- couldn't -- right then. The realization that I was going to have to tell this story again and that I wasn't done telling this story and that you didn't know... it was just."
"It was too much," Teagan sighs. "It was just too much for that moment. And I can't -- I mean. I'm having to hold Sturm at arm's length but it's like the events keep pushing on my arm and making it bend just a little bit more and just a little bit more and she keeps getting closer and what am I gonna do if she knows this shit? Like that's ... that's it. At that point I might as well kiss her because it's all over but the shouting."
"So I had to go." They bring both hands up, running their fingers down their face. "I couldn't cope."
Johnnie listens, grimacing as Teagan lays out what overwhelmed them. She evaporates up onto her feet, moving towards Teagan and setting delicate fingertips on their shoulders, reminding them she's there. "That makes sense. I'm sorry I reacted so poorly. I had no idea." She squeezes Teagan's shoulders gently, pausing only at the end of it. "No, that's... what I would have done, too. If I was able to process at all. I don't know for sure I would have managed half as well."
"... Sig's why that's a problem, right? I can't think of any other reason you'd be stressing over wanting to kiss someone. Did they not make up yet?"
The delicate fingers resting on their shoulder prompt a hand resting over them, as Teagan just sort of stands still, anchoring themself on to Johnnie. "It's okay to be hurt by the way I reacted, Johnnie. I'm sure it was confusing and hurtful and you didn't understand why you kinda flirting with Sturm turned into me storming out and ruining your nice day learning the Hedge or whatever. But... I'm not gonna hurt you on purpose, I guess. I'm sorry I hurt you, even accidentally." They lean to kiss her on the corner of her mouth, a delayed greeting.
"It's complicated. Sig is -- she's not okay, Johnnie. It's a lot for her right now. I can't -- like -- add to her distress. She keeps freaking out, and then freaking out that she's freaking out, and... " A long pause. "Did you see the Jotunn, in her dream? You know who that was, right?"
"Was I flirting?" Johnnie sounds sincerely surprised. "I just thought it made more sense to try to give her props than be salty I can't figure out a way to beat her in a spar without like. Mutilating her. Trying to be a good sport, I suppose." She relaxes- finally- at being told it's okay to be hurt, and the hands-on turns into an over-the-shoulder hug. "I'll be okay. I forgive you. I get it now."
"I mean, I didn't, but seeing as how I only know one, and you expect me to know'em, I'm assuming it had to be Sturm, right?"
They wrap their arms around Johnnie's waist, and pick her up, when it turns into a hug. All is forgiven, all is in the past. Another kiss to her cheek, this one on her cheekbone, and they squeeze her as much as her skinny frame allows; once they loosen their grip a little, they hang on to her still, and carry her over to the couch to sit down and pull Johnnie on to their lap. Now is the time for snuggles. It's been an emotional day.
"I mean that's how you flirt, so you tell me. Sure sounded like it." And Teagan doesn't sound bitter or upset. They just sound content, honestly. Like of course Johnnie's flirting with the hot big lady. "Yeah. It was. It was Sturm. Sig -- " A pause. Apparently now is when Teagan just unloads all the shit that Johnnie needs to know. "Sigrun had a plan, with someone else, to escape from Valhalla. She always thought it was another Valkyrie. They stole some sort of magic horn which put One Eye to sleep, and blew it, and everyone was asleep, and they fucking ran for it."
"Only it turns out, holy shit, it's not another Valkyrie, it's one of the Jotunn that, like, Sigrun had such hate for. And Sigrun fled, and like... left Sturm behind. And she's real fucked up over it. Because she -- and the rest of us -- had this idea in our heads of her as this hero. I mean I didn't think she was perfect but I think that she thought that we thought she was perfect. You know? And when that wasn't true anymore she was like, apologizing to me for fucking up, basically. Like I could be mad at her for what she did in her most desperate moment, you know?
Johnnie curls against Teagan when she's picked up, one of those rare little moments where either of them let go and allow themselves to be small for a moment or two. She turns to press a kiss onto Teagan's mouth, just at the corner, completing the delayed greetings, and shakes her head minutely. "You say that like I pay attention to all the things I do. I'll take your word for it," she murrs, sighing quietly.
"They were- trying to escape together? Sigrun left her behind? That-" Johnnie frowns. "That sounds wrong. Like, I was focused on the shield, but it looked like Sturm was making it through. I was doing my job, so I wasn't watching that close, and things ended right after, but she wasn't all that far behind. Maybe the Hedge separated them, but- I think it's unfair to say Sig abandoned her, you know? At least I think." She shrugs a little.
Hearing how Sigrun broke herself down leaves Johnnie looking quietly stricken. "... I can understand that. I had to walk back from what I thought i was, too. I mean, it was definitively for the best, but it still happened. I can relate a little."
"Whether or not she abandoned her for real and for truly, they didn't come out together, and Sigrun is carrying it like she abandoned Sturm," Teagan explains, curling their arms around Johnnie, resting their head against hers. It's Johnnie's turn to be smol, and protected, after a day of feeling bad, and Teagan is content to make that happen, especially because it also lets them be big and strong and protective.
"I know you were focused on the shield, and I'm glad that you were -- knowing you and June had that part let me focus on the other details, so we could get all the pieces. That's what I love about our motley, among other things. We work very well together."
"We do." Johnnie nods, curling in closer, nuzzling up against Teagan's noggin. "S'why I felt so bad. Felt like the part that wasn't working. Glad that's not true."
"Should we try to get the rest of the pieces? So Sig doesn't get stuck wallowing under this imaginary burden..?"
|