View source for Logs:More Communication's Always Better

{{Log 
| content-warning= discussion of the ups and downs of polyamorous relationships, religion
| cast= [[Aaron Cohen]], [[Jack Martingale]]
| setting= The Disaster Darkling house
| log=This conversation was an inevitability. Lux had told Jack that it had to happen, at least, so Jack could be the one to reach out to Aaron about this whole Marriage Discussion Thing.

Sometimes, neutral ground is best, but Jack's invited Aaron over to the house that the three Changelings share. Greets the man at the door of the large, still kinda run-down looking place (at least on the outside) with a nervous smile.

"I figured it was probably better to not try to have this talk at a cafe, or in public at all," He explains as he gestures for Aaron to take his shoes off in the entryway. The bench in the entryway and the hooks on the wall are both bright purple. "But- how've you been? D'you want something to drink? There's water, a bunch of fancy soda..."


Aaron is a much changed man.  He used to be a bit of a doughy fella, like a former football player that had gone to seed.  Which was very much the case.  Now he's sporting a curly dark beard and is cut like he's been living in a gym for the past four months.  Because that is also the case.  He's not wearing a suit and tie, but track pants and a t-shirt.  It shows off all the scars he'd picked up during his life among The Plain.  There are a lot of them, too.  If Jack didn't know the man, he'd probably come off as a rather disturbing sight at first glance.

But the friendly smile is the same, so that's reassuring at least.  "I've been sort of living off other people's couches for a while now.  I'm probably going to have to buy property that I can properly secure.  I'd say my life is falling apart around me, but it really doesn't feel like that at all.  More like I'm shedding vestiges of a lie I was living for decades.   It's strange, to be honest.  Water would be great, actually.  Right from the tap is fine, too.  Not a big fan of drinking it super cold."


Aaron's changed appearance gets him a once-over and slightly raised eyebrows, and his description of how he's been makes Jack's brows raise even more.

"That sounds...stressful as fuck, honestly. Even if it's good stress. Kitchen's this way..." Jack leads him into a large kitchen - large enough for an island in the middle, even. The cabinets are painted a deep, rich blue, with delicate flowers on the corners that pick up the colors and patterns of the Mexican Talavera tiles that make up the backsplash. He grabs a glass from one of the cabinets (the contents of which are all slightly mismatched, the product of three people combining their lives and therefore their glassware) and moves to the sink. The ring on his finger sparkles, eye catching despite its relatively small size, and looks a little incongruous with Jack's otherwise casual jean shorts (fairly tight) and floral t shirt (very tight.)

"I'm glad it's working out for you, at least. I'm sure you've got your people, but Mearcstapa's someone you might hit up for security shit. He oversaw it all, here."


"I'll keep him in mind.  We do have our own people, but I don't know them particularly well and ... well.  A lot of us are very undeservedly certain of ourselves.  Hubris and home security aren't a great mix, I've come to learn."  Aaron has the awkward stance of someone aware he's in someone else's shared home and doesn't quite know the rules and mores of the home in question.  She he folds up his hands and stands there like a good boy.   "It is.  Working out for me.  After a fashion, anyway.  As midlife crises go, it's a fairly good one.  Though I am seeing someone much younger than me, I managed to get out without a sports car or hair implantation, so I'm counting it as a win."  He grins just enough to mark that as a joke.


Jack huffs out a laugh and hands over the water before getting himself some, too.

"One out of three's not too bad, yeah," he says with a grin, and gestures with his head for Aaron to follow him. "Living room's more comfy, even if I am the type to sit on countertops."

The living room has a couch and a television, as most living rooms do, now. There's a slightly chaotic tangle of wires and controllers in front of the television, the shelving unit it's not not quite large enough to corral them. Or maybe it's just not entirely set up in a way that works for the people who live here, yet. Or maybe this is the system that works best.

Jack drops down on one side of the couch with a slight groan and sets his water on the coffee table. "Make yourself comfy."


Aaron eyes the electronics mess for a few moments before heading over to the couch and settling himself down with a crack of joints and a dad groan.  He lifts his water for a rather sizeable gulp, then sets it down on the nearest coaster-like object he can locate that isn't naked tabletop.

"So, I'm going to be aboveboard with you.  I've never done anything like this before, and I'm pretty well full of anxiety about it all.  In large part because I know what I have riding on all of this.  It's genuinely not a fun situation for me to be in, so if I seem off or out of sorts, it's not you.  It's just the situation and the fact that all of this is new territory for me.  I apologize in advance."


"It's all good - and to be fair, I also have never been in this kinda situation before. Casual shit, sure, but...I mean we have a house. But. I get you. Nothing to apologize for, really." Jack curls his feet up underneath him and shifts so he's looking at Aaron.

"Lux just kinda said you wanted to talk to me'n Mearcstapa about it all, but not really much more than that. So...?"


"So."  Where to begin, indeed.  Aaron takes in a breath and holds it for a few moments, then musters his public speaking chops and just sort of has out with it, "I'm a rabbi, which you know.  I don't know how much about what a rabbi does you're aware of, but I'm sure you understand that we're often looked to for religious guidance and life advice from our congregations.  And one of the most common areas we're sought out for is marital problems."

"The Torah and Talmud have a lot to say about marriage, of course.  Not all of it applicable to the present day.  So we augment that with practical study of marriage and relationship counseling.  Anyway.  I can't begin to tell you how many couples I've spoke with over the years whose marriages were either jeopardized or destroyed by ... I don't want to say marital infidelity, because that's not what Lux and I represent.  But let's call it 'distractions outside of the marriage'. "

"I'm sure it's no revelation to you that marriages take a lot of effort.  That relationships take work, and that they can sometimes feel like work, and that after ten or fifteen years-- sometimes less --the fire and spark can dim and you can sort of settle into a routine.  Sometimes people love that.  Like rediscovering your best friend. And other times, people can resent it.  And they can seek that fire and spark with someone else, not really understanding that the companionship phase of relationships comes naturally.   They chase that high point and it ruins their foundation within their marriage."

"I'm not suggesting you or Mearcstapa or Lux are going to ruin that foundation.  But I am suggesting that I don't want to be part of the reason why it's ruined.  That would be an awful thing for me to be party to; upsetting another Jew's applecart.  Especially one who looks to me for guidance on matters of life and Judaism."


Jack reaches for his water once or twice, while Aaron speaks. He's clearly listening intently, wanting to understand him, and nods a few times as the main points of what Aaron's saying settle in. There's a few moments of silence, after, as he formulates his thoughts, and he takes one more sip of water.

"I mean I'm...not gonna try to reassure you that everything'll be just fine, forever. Or try to say anything about the future, 'cause who the fuck knows what's gonna happen, and it just feels...disingenuous. But. I'm going into this marriage with full knowledge that it won't be 'closed'. I've never wanted it to be, I don't think any of us want that. And you and Lux absolutely have my blessing - hell, I was the one who pushed them to go to dinner with you." Jack smiles here.

"I wanna learn and grow with Lux and Mearcstapa, and I want to settle into both relationships for the long term. And I trust that either of them - or me, even - seeking out things outside the three of us doesn't mean any of us love the other less. I wouldn't have said yes, if I hadn't believed that. And you being here at the beginning of this step feels...a hell of a lot different than something showing up ten, fifteen years down the line when none of us have had another partner. You know?"


"I get that.  It's not that I think anyone in your triad is naïve or acting foolishly, here.  On the contrary, I think you're all doing your very best to make this work for all of you.  And for Lux and I.  It's also a lot different being on the outside looking in at you three.  I won't suggest there's not jealousy, here.  In me, I mean.  And if not jealousy, then that feeling one has after being picked last for kickball.  That's there, and it's mine to contend with.  But I wouldn't be a very good partner to Lux if I didn't... leverage my history and all that I've learned to help ensure their marriage was set up to succeed."

"I told them I wanted to meet with you and Mearcstapa separately.  Talk to each of you.  So that you can hear it from me, that I don't want to be the reason you three hit rocky shores.  I realize it's presumptuous of me to imagine I could be a threat to what you three have.  But the only reason I bring it up is because I don't want that to happen."  Aaron reaches for his water again and lets out a small, frustrated sigh, "It sounds foolish, now that I'm saying it to you.  But my intentions were pure, I assure you."


"I'd be lying if I told you I never get jealous of my partners' other relationships. It's an emotion like any other, and acknowledging it and contending with it's just shit you gotta do. Like you said. And like...the fact that you know that, and the fact that you care enough about Lux, and our relationship, to worry about your place in it...'s a good thing. I think. Doesn't feel foolish, to me." Jack shrugs. "Feels like you wanting to head things off at the pass. More communication's almost always better, yeah?"


"If I was a reason that you three didn't work out, I'd never forgive myself.  That's really what this is about.  I've never done poly before, and it was ages since I had a relationship prior to Lux.  There's a lot of mental gymnastics that I can do around being a gay man of faith.  But there's no way to spin 'breaking up someone's marriage'.  Especially if it's a good one.   I'd like to keep these lines of communication open.  So that my life with Lux isn't ... cut off from yours.  So neither one of us has to guess how the other is doing.  I don't need to be all up in your business, but.  I think would go better for all of us if we hung out from time to time.  Had a meal together every so often.  Observed a holiday now and again, that sort of thing.  If you'd be up for that."


"I'd like that a lot." Jack smiles warmly. "I've talked to Lux about getting to want to know you better, just for friendship's sake. And honestly...if our marriage doesn't end up working out, it's not gonna be 'cause of you. Like...it sounds kinda shitty for me to say that it's not about you, but...it's not. And that's a good thing, for you. Your relationship with Lux is about you and Lux, and sure there's overlap, but...personally, if I have a problem, it will be with something I'm struggling with with Mearcstapa or Lux directly, not the person they happen to be also seeing. That make sense? But yes. I'd like to hang out. All of us, or just you an' me, any combination."


"No, that doesn't sound shitty.  It's a relief, honestly," Aaron responds with a chuckle.  "Thank you.  And, yeah.  I'll want to talk to Mearcstapa first, but that would be great.  The High Holy Days are coming up, and I'd like to do something for Rosh Hashanah.  And maybe for the breaking of the fast after Yom Kippur.  I think it would mean a lot to Mearcstapa if we planned that for him and sort of surprised him with it."  Aaron, the Jewish wingman.  "But we can talk more about that another time, I figure."  Aaron claps his hands onto his knees and lets out a brief sigh, "That's all I had, really.  I just needed to get that off my chest."


"I've been...thinking about attending a service with Mearcstapa. Just to...get a little bit of a feeling of what it's like. An' how it's different from the sh...stuff I grew up with." Talking religion, Jack seems a little more unwilling to swear. "I'd love to be able to help him lean into his Jewishness more, which I think means figuring out how to separate it from what 'religion' has kinda meant to me. Intellectually I know it's different, of course, but -" He shakes his head with a huff. "You don't have to hear my sob story about my shitty aunt and uncle right now. Yes, doing something like that for Mearcstapa would be great, and I bet Lux'd be all about it too, if they aren't already halfway through planning it." His smile is fond as he talks about his partners.


"You don't have to be Jewish to come to services, of course.  Going to learn and to support Mearcstapa is a great reason to come.  Lux has been with me a time or two.  We use prayer books with the actual Hebrew, the transliterations of the Hebrew, and the English translations of the prayers.  And if you don't want to pray, you don't have to, either.  But if you want to  join in, you'll be able to."  Aaron reaches for his water again and finishes off the glass, setting it back down with a satisfied sigh.

"If you want to unload on me about your religious upbringing, I assure you that you won't be the last and that you are far from the first.  I've overseen the conversion of dozens of Jews by choice, and they all came from somewhere.  Not that you're converting, I'm simply stating that your experience is far from singular, and I'm a good person to vent to on that topic."


"..." Jack blinks and sits back slightly when Aaron mentions converting. "I...how does that work, if I'm marrying a Jewish man?" Because of course none of them have talked about the actual ceremony, religious or otherwise, yet. "You know what, I'll talk to them first. Nevermind. I...mh." A beat.

"How does that work, though?"


"Mearcstapa is the one who has agreed to uphold the Mitzvot.  The commandments.  We say there are 613 of them, by tradition.  But."  Aaron see-saws his hands, "That's a tradition, not a truth. There's a lot of that in Judaism, you'll find.  Anyway.  When Mearcstapa had his Bar Mitzvah, he agreed to uphold the mitzvot as I and every other Jewish man has done.  He's free to marry outside of the tribe, as it were.  And you're not obligated to become Jewish just to marry him.  However, the keeping of a Jewish home is one of the commandments.  And learning how to help him do that would help him to be a better Jew."

Aaron then considers Jack for a long moment of silence before deciding he's just going to answer the question.  "As for how conversion works; it varies from sect to sect.  We in the Reform Movement offer Intro to Judaism courses that you're required to undertake.  We typically ask you to live through a Jewish year.  Observe the holidays and festivals and feasts.  Attend Shabbat services.  Try on a kippah, try on a tallis.  Try out being a Jew.  Because believe me, the world is often very unkind to us.  Make sure it's something you're committed to, something you want to do for the rest of your life.  Because once you're a Jew, you're a Jew.  Even if you decide you want to quit.  Again, by tradition."

"Then you'll have a trial called a beit din.  Three rabbis will question you, ask you about why you want to become a Jew.  Traditionally you'll be refused three times, though that's not required.  With the assent of the beit din, you're an official member of the tribe.  This is traditionally followed by a visit to the mikveh, a sort of ritual bath.  You dunk yourself in the nude, say a prayer, and have a Jew there to witness it.  Again, traditionally.  Then the congregation gives you a kiddush and candle set, hands you a Tanakh, the Brotherhood throws you a party, and you start getting fundraiser mailings every week."


"Oh. Okay." Jack nods, clearly relieved as Aaron reassures him he doesn't have to convert to marry Mearcstapa.

But it doesn't stop him from listening to the continuing explanation with cautious interest.
"LIke I said," he finally says. "I do want to help him with that. Dunno 'f converting to anything'll ever be right for me."


Aaron lifts his hands in a neutral demonstration, "That's between you and one or fewer Gods.  I'm just his PR guy.  You asked a question, and I wanted to give you a comprehensive answer, that's all.  We don't proselytize.   We do the opposite.  We're like, 'you want to be a Jew? have you MET us?' So don't read anything more into my answer than the answer it was."  Aaron then considers Jack, "How much do you know about Jewish marriage traditions?  You might ask Mearcstapa about them, if nothing else."


"No, it's - yeah. I don't think you're proselytizing or anything, don't worry. I really don't know shit about Jewish marriage traditions, or much of anything else for that matter, but...yeah it's definitely something to ask him. I um. Thank you for answering all my ignorant questions, I'm sure there'll be more and I don't wanna like...make Mearcstapa have to deal with that. You know? And like, feel free to tell me to google shit, too..." He gives Aaron a slightly sheepish smile.


"I've got some books I can give you.  Intermarriage is very common in the Reform movement.  I'll get you some reading, and you can feel free to follow up with me if you have additional questions."  Aaron smiles at this and starts to his feet, "I need to thin down my library before I move, anyway."

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