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Cian has invited Phaedra to a small marina on the river, within walking distance of his apartment, but slightly away from the really expensive parts of the city. He's leaning against the wall of the office, in wide legged trousers and his usual loose linen shirt. It's rolled up to the elbows, and the heat of the evening has put a slight sheen of sweat on his Blushed face. He's got his eyes cast upward, at the moment, looking at the light pollution and the lack of stars visible in the clear night sky.
Phaedra shows up in a pair of jeans and one of her usual floaty peasant blouses, her hair braided back. As she approaches, she grins, giving an almost playful little wave. "Oh, hi there."
"Phaedra." Cian's smile is warm as he pushes away from the wall. "Has your evening been quiet? It should be cooler on the water than here, i've found it oppressively hot this week..."
"The weather being nice and warm is pretty okay. There's a Wiccan group I hang out with and feed off sometimes, and they've been doing outdoor rituals under the full moon, which is cool, as long as I don't get too close to the bonfire." She touches Cian's sleeve when he gets close enough for her to.
Cian leans into the touch, just enough for her to hit his actual arm. Acknowledging the touch, and returning it. "That does sound...exhilarating, I suppose, is the word? Atmospheric, at the very least." He gestures for her to follow, around the side of the office and through a gate to the docks where boats rock gently in the water of the Delaware. There's a breeze off the river, and Cian takes a moment to just...take in the view of the boats and the water, and the lights of Camden across the way.
And she takes in the sight of him taking in the view quietly, her gaze piercing him and tearing him into little tiny pieces. You know, as she does.
As she does. Whatever he's thinking, while he looks, it's something bittersweet, and the smile he showed her has dimmed a little. But he comes to his senses after a moment, and turns to her. "Shall we? The boat's just here..." He gestures to one of the nearer boats, a small wooden thing that looks slightly at odds with the larger, more modern yachts next to it.
"Yeah, that sounds like fun." She doesn't pry, not this time, but hits him with a bit of a questioning look to let him know that pensive demeanor has been Noticed™️. "Is it like you, more modern than it looks at first glance?"
"Heh. A bit. There is a motor, in case the wind dies. But the sailing is all manual. Many of these others only need one to press a button or two..." Cian shakes his head, like he has Opinions™️ about that. He makes his way onto the boat, his steps confident, and offers a hand to Phaedra to help her aboard. Being such a small ship, it rolls with the movement of the river, but Cian holds himself stable.
She probably needs the help to get aboard, and takes a moment to get used to the movement of the boat. "You care too much about the experience to be happy with that convenience. Which, like...that's very you, Cian."
"Is it?" It seems like a genuine question, and he stays close to her. Not touching, but spotting her as she gets used to the movement. "I suppose to really enhance the experience we should wait to get into more open water before you really tear me to pieces with your insight, mm?" There's a bit of a seating area in the center of the boat - really just some built in wood benches - and he lets Phaedra get comfortable before starting the process of getting ready to sail.
She smiles gratitude as he spots her, making it to the bench and then sitting on it. "Now's not the best time to mention that I never learned how to swim, I suppose."
"...It isn't, no...there are life jackets, if you'd be more comfortable?" Cian glances around, like he's looking for where they're stored. "I can swim, but I'm not going to say I could easily help. Touch wood, we won't have to worry." He does knock on the rail, which is indeed wood, and finishes the prep work.
It's a little tricky, navigating away from the marina, but it's clear that Cian knows what he's doing. He doesn't kill the motor until they're away from the harbor. The wind is stronger here, and the sail fills to propel them down the river.
And she touches the wooden bench, settling in to watch him. "Well. At least without needing to breathe, it's harder to drown. In theory, I could walk along the bottom of the river until I got somewhere. In theory."
"Rather not test that theory, if it's all the same to you." He spares her a glance, and a grin, but most of his attention is on the work at hand. "As you said, I do care about the experience. The work, as well, there's not much point in sailing if I'm merely pressing a button. The navigation isn't nearly enough for me, I need the physical labor."
"Hmm. And it's boats specifically?"
"Yes. There's a freedom to being on the water, with a bit of line and sail and wood the only thing between you and an unpleasant dunking. It's the travel, and the work to get there, I suppose. And with a larger ship, there's a bit of the structure there, too. Teamwork, and prescribed jobs and times to do them. But here..." He sighs, leaning back and looking out over the water. "It feels like freedom."
Phaedra tilts her head to one side, considering. But whatever's on her mind doesn't come out of her mouth quite yet. Eventually her gaze slips over to the sliver of moon in the sky, hanging like a sickle, waiting for the harvest.
The wind dies, the boat slows, and Cian gives Phaedra a Look. "What's on your mind?" He finally asks. Quietly, like he's a little afraid of the answer.
"Would the feeling be different if you were a passenger? If you were out here in the open, but someone else was steering the ship and you had no input?" The question is no louder than it needs to be.
"I don't need to steer, but I would certainly be antsy, if not given something to do. There are times in which it's lovely to relax on an anchored sailboat, but not while it's in the middle of a journey."
"I think it's not just freedom. I think it's also, at least a little, about control. Here, you know how to make the boat go, and you can do it, and no one's going to stop you, and you've got a sense of what's up with yourself. Yeah?" She doesn't quite sound as much like she's aiming for the heart on this one.
"Yes. Most definitely. I have a purpose, and it's mine, and I have control over it." Cian nods and gives Phaedra a small, slightly nervous smile. Sure she's not aiming for the heart yet, but how long is that going to last?
"I...I think many of us find ways to exert what control we can over our lives, after what we've all experienced." 'We' meaning survivors of abuse and trauma.
"Yeah." She nods a little, folding her hands in her lap. "I'm sorry."
"No apology needed, at all. Is that what tarot reading is for you, at all? I know the learning is."
"...I keep using you to feel like I have a little control. Because jostling you off-balance makes me feel more centered, and that's not really fair to you, not at all. It's bullying of a sort, I think." She pulls her knees up to her chest, curling up somewhat. "But, uh. Also. Like. Yeah, you're right about the learning. Though that's also because I hate feeling like I'm stupid. And by that I know I really mean 'ignorant', but that doesn't cover how it feels when I'm caught off by it."
Surprise, Cian. You're all alone and isolated and instead of poking, Phaedra's...opening up?
"...Ah." Cian sighs. "I...suppose this is where I say I appreciate you realizing that it's not fair, that what you're doing could be painful to me. But..." He runs distracted fingers through his hair and shakes his head. "I wouldn't continue to seek out your company if I found the experience distasteful. You know that, yes?"
She blinks a couple times (unnecessarily, as she's not blushed), as if that hadn't actually occurred to her.
"Oh."
"...Yes." Cian smiles at her. "I don't find it bullying, or anything of the sort. If I did, I like to think I'd have distanced myself from you. I'm fully away I am an older man who's grown quite close to you, and it makes very much sense for you to want to feel in control around me. I don't blame you in the slightest."
"It's...not because you're an older man. You don't look enough older to really throw me off bad. It's more because you react so broadly, trying to hide how much I've gotten to you. That moment of tiny panic you rush to quell. I like that moment and I don't know what that means about me."
"I'm not entirely sure, either." Cian breaks eye contact to look out over the river. "I'm not entirely sure what it means that I...hmm. Those moments of panic, at least now..." There's a few moments of silence, as he tries to find the right words. "It's still there, of course, but...I suppose I could use 'exhilarating' here, too? It's not quite the right word, but I'm not sure how to otherwise explain it. There's a kindness to it, from you, that...eases the terror, but not the level of emotion, I think."
She thinks about that quietly for a moment. "So if I keep doing it, it's okay then?"
"It is." Cian nods. "It would be, anyway, but knowing that it helps with your control...you have free rein to knock me off-kilter whenever you so choose." He grins here, a small quick thing.
She echoes the grin, finally unfolding, like a flower blooming. "I won't abuse that out around other people. I...do try to watch out for that, at least most of the time."
"I have noticed, and I do appreciate it. It is one of the reasons I continue to enjoy your company. I do trust you, Phaedra. God help me." Cian shakes his head and looks out toward the shore.
"Which one?" And here's the not-so-casual reminder that she's an Acolyte.
That gets a proper chuckle, the corners of Cian's eyes crinkling as he smiles. "I won't make a fool of myself by trying to pretend I know. That's very much your world, do you have any suggestions?"
"Depends on what help it is you want from that divinity. But if you don't believe in them, petitioning like that could be considered rude, probably maybe." She tilts her head to one side slightly. "What would you want help with, right now, from a god?"
Cian looks thoughtful, and takes a moment. "Protection, should my trust be misplaced, I suppose. Or a sign that I've made the right choice. Though I'm not actually certain I need divine intervention for that. But in this context...that's what I suppose I'm requesting."
"The moon's a waxing crescent. An auspicious time for things to begin. An opportunity for growth. The skies and the water are calm. Everything is quiet like the world is holding its breath. These are things that could be signs, if you wanted to read them that way." She looks up at the stars quietly.
"Do you read them that way?" Cian's voice is quiet - but close. He's come around to the benches, and looks up at the sky, following Phaedra's gaze.
She points up quietly at a streak of light in the northwest, a little below the big dipper in the sky, low toward the horizon. "I think that's a comet, maybe. Those are auspicious, too."
"How are you hoping to grow, with all these auspicious signs? As you've said, it sounds like change of some sort is imminent. Nothing stays calm for long."
She shrugs slightly. "I have no idea. I don't know what it is we're doing, Cian, but...it's kinda nice to be open and admit it's a thing we're doing on purpose? Does...that make sense?"
"I...am not sure I do." Cian glances at her, confusion writ across his face. "What 'thing' that we're doing?"
"This game, of knocking you off balance and you trying not to show it. This spending quiet alone time together so I can do that, without other people overhearing."
"Ah." A slow nod. "Yes, then. It is nice. It's not often my time with anyone is quiet, I find solitude comfortable. But I do catch moments of it, with you. Being alone, together."
She reaches out, batting lightly at the loose fabric of his sleeve with a smile, playfully. Like a kitten.
Cian nudges her back, his arm just brushing hers. His smile is a little more sedate, but he doesn't avoid her eye contact, and sighs contentedly.
"I'm glad you agreed to come out tonight. That you trust me enough to let me take you out here."
"I'm glad to be out here. Away from all of the everything, just for a little bit. As you put it, being alone, together. It's...special. It almost, almost feels like we could be the only two people in the whole wide world for this one moment."
"Exactly. It's my favorite kind of escape. This thing isn't built for ocean travel, but...if I can find something, I'd make the trip with you. River sailing doesn't come close."
"Until the Nereids are something where we know they're gone for good, I'm not going anywhere near the sea." The thought alone makes her smile vanish like the flame when a candle's blown out.
"A reward, then. Once that is over." Cian brushes his hand against her sleeve. "I've been tempted to travel down myself, to see what I can find without getting in the water."
"...hopefully not all by yourself. Right? You wouldn't go alone for something like that. Right?" Concern is written clearly across her face.
"I don't know that anyone would want to come with me. It won't be a particularly pleasant trip, unless my family is willing to find me something with a proper berth." Cian shrugs.
She seems conflicted, before grabbing onto his sleeve, hand balling into a fist in the fabric. "I guess I'll have to, then."
"You - just said you very much didn't want to..." Cian frowns, and places his other hand very very gently over hers.
"I don't want to, but I want you to not go alone more than that." And she looks up at him and there's something fierce in her eyes.
"If...you're certain. I haven't really made any sorts of plans, but I can talk to Anthony..." Cian sighs.
"I'm not certain, I'm scared. I don't want to lose you."
Cian flinches at that. And opens his mouth to respond, but nothing comes out, so he closes it again with a sigh.
"I don't know how to respond to that," he finally mutters, looking up at the stars rather than at her.
"I'm sorry." That's a reflexive response, more than an actual apology this time.
"You don't have to apologize." Cian's voice is quiet. "I don't want you to feel the need to put yourself in danger for my sake."
She shakes her head slightly. "It's not a need. It's a want. But an important one. One that matters to me. Do you understand?"
"I...don't know that I do, but I won't try to keep you from joining me. It will make the journey slightly more bearable, with company."
Her hand finally loosens on his sleeve. "Good. Alright. Good."
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