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Phaedra doesn't show up to Cian's place until after work and a brief break to feed. She hasn't bothered to change out of her work dress, her hair still covered by that gauzy dark veil. But even that veil doesn't cover the piercing quality of her eyes, sharp and discerning, like she's always seeing underneath the skin.
There's no heartbeat behind Cian's door, a little unusual for him, but his smile is warm enough when he opens the door. His clothes are neat and simple, warm neutrals as is his custom, and he ushers her through the door before closing it behind her.
"Phaedra." His voice is quiet as he walks toward the couch. "How has your night been?"
"You're not Blushing for me tonight." She smiles as she notices, and reaches out to very gently touch his cheek. "Good. You don't have to, for me. I know what you are."
His stillness when her hand touches his cheek is all the more complete with his lack of breath, and he blinks in surprise. But he doesn't move away.
"I Blush in public, when I know I cannot Obfuscate. And when I would like to feel more human."
"So you don't feel a need to feel more human, around me?" Her touch lingers for just a few seconds, before she pulls back into her own personal bubble.
"Not tonight, no." Cian shakes his head once Phaedra pulls away.
"I...feel I should apologize, for cutting our meeting so short the other night. It was...as I said, it gave me much to think about, but it wasn't really necessary for me to leave like that." He doesn't meet her eyes until he's finished speaking.
"You felt it necessary at the time. You were so scared of what I might read for you, you wanted to go last, and I let you, because I knew it wouldn't be easy to hear, whatever the cards said." She moves to sit on the couch at a comfortable distance--not quite within arm's reach. "Have you been doing that thinking, since then?"
He gives her a bitter sort of smile. "Absolutely not, I've been avoiding even considering it. Jasper..." a pause here, and Cian takes an entirely unnecessary breath, "suggested that readings like that only hold the meaning we ascribe to them. Some see it as a mere parlor trick. I...don't believe I can convince myself of that. I'm not sure I want to."
"People ask me sometimes. Is it a parlor game? Am I cheating? Is the magic real? I hate those questions. I hold a belief in what the cards represent, even absent blood sorcery or other ways to get definitive answers. But no, I wasn't using Cruac when I read for you three, so in theory, it was a 'mundane' reading. And yeah, I did bring some knowledge of each of you to the table, that's inevitable, but that's not the same as the cold reading I get accused of." She wrinkles her nose. "Note to self, never-ever-ever offer Jasper another reading."
"He doesn't see himself capable of any sort of ambition, I think that may have colored the rest. It's possible he was merely trying to ease my worry. But...I saw how you looked, pulling that final card. Not something you could cold read, or prepare for, and it represents what it represents. As you said."
She nods a little. "Do you want to try to work through the meaning of the reading, or was this meant to just be a social call, trying to make sure I'm not upset with you?"
"I...wanted to make sure I hadn't upset you. Working through the reading sounds like quite a lot to ask of you."
"I was a little bit miffed, at best, but I'm not holding onto it like a grudge." She shakes her head quietly. "It's cool. And if you want to talk about it, I'm here, but I know you're nervy. Skittish like a wild deer."
"A deer?" Cian arches an eyebrow.
"Or something skittish. I know if I push too hard, if I ask too much...I'm going to scare you off completely."
Cian huffs in quiet amusement. "I don't plan on leaving Philadelphia any time soon. Short of my sire hunting me down, I'm not sure anything would spook me enough for me to disappear."
"Not to disappear, but to hate me. To refuse to talk to me. To stop being my friend. That last would be the very worst of all."
"It...I don't believe that will happen. The trust I've put in you isn't something I've done lightly, and with advance notice...you won't scare me away. Particularly in a setting like this." He gestures between the two of them.
She looks at him like she's weighing and measuring his every last detail, before she nods. "Talk to me, then, Cian. What did those cards mean to you, when I interpreted them?"
There's a few moments of silence, as Cian considers. "The first...represents my life in Boston, after my Embrace, quite well. A wild ride I was not in control of." He gives Phaedra a tight smile. "But you knew that, or could have easily put it together."
"I could have supposed, yes. I recognized your descriptions of life with your sire. Though there are other cards I might have expected more. The Chariot put the focus on the feeling, not the doing."
"There were many complicated emotions involved, even with our bond, yes. Of course the middle card very much describes my current life, all those spinning plates...I've begun to bring them down, in as safe a manner as I know how."
“Everyone in the hotel room that night knew about you, I believe. And none of us have betrayed you. You’re beginning to learn that you can trust. That it can be safe to unfold and open up. Daniel asked me, after you left. About how long I’ve known.”
"We weren't close, in Boston. But it's a rather tight knit group, there, everyone knew things about everyone." Cian sighs.
"It seems my past will return to haunt me. That's how I read the future card, at the very least."
“It might, Yeah. But this time, you won’t be facing it on your own, scared witless. You have friends, and allies, and we’re not just going to let bad things come for you, Cian.” She scoots a bit closer and lightly touches his sleeve.
"I don't know how you will keep me from the consequences of my actions - even if those were part of the ride I wasn't in control of." Speaking in those metaphors seems to be more comfortable to him than digging into the details of what he did in Boston.
“I don’t know either. But we will. If it weren’t for your act, I’d suggest you join the union for more protection. Another layer.” Her hand pulls back and she offers a polite little smile. “But it’s hard to imagine you telling the head of your family.”
"I've told the Sakima." Cian watches Phaedra's hand curiously. "Though telling her and telling and Anthony are entirely different matters."
“Why? How is it different, in your head?” She tilts her head to one side, thinking.
"The Sakima takes a fairly hands-off approach to the Kindred here, does she not? There is something more...uncomfortable about telling someone who can kick you out of one of the smaller groups you're clawed your way into. But I suppose...it's my own fault, for deceiving him in the first place."
“That makes sense.” She nods. “I don’t think you’d like my family, a lot of us are all Ordo., so you’d be surrounded.”
"Mmm." That strained smile is back. "I quite like the Washingtons, but I suppose I'd find my way without them. And it's not as if I really feel at home with the Carthians, they're...merely convenient. Better than no covenant at all."
“Is there anyone at all who you do feel at home with, Cian?” The tone of the question is almost gentle, especially when compared with some of Phaedra’s other past inquiries.
Cian opens and closes his mouth a few times as he thinks. "...Mm," he finally says. "Not particularly. What a happy thought."
Phaedra sighs. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you with that poke.”
"I understand you're not doing this with intent to hurt me." Cian gives Phaedra a small smile. "I wouldn't have invited your questions if I thought otherwise."
“Cian, you tell me. What can I possibly do to help you?”
"Help me with what? You've stood by me in the face of my blatant lies, that's already helped more than I ever could have imagined."
“With...facing what comes next. With how much fear is in your heart? With...anything.” She shrugs.
"I don't know how you could possibly help me with that fear." Cian's smile is a little sad. "I very much appreciate the offer. As for what comes next...it's difficult to ask for help with something one has no knowledge of, that one cannot prepare for. But...again, thank you. I...don't think I've had anyone offer me help in a very long time."
There's a beat.
"I would...return that offer, too. In any way I can."
“That means a lot.” She smiles slightly. “As for helping with that fear, I could use Auspex to see what you’re so scared of firsthand, and let you know what parts are your brain multiplying the fear more than it really should be. But only if you wanted.”
"I...would prefer not to have anyone poking around in my brain. The fact that you've asked puts you ahead of many in your clan, you know."
Blink. "Really? I would have thought it polite, at least among Kindred. Especially in a situation like this."
It's a bizarre naivete, but perhaps it makes sense to a neonate raised in Philadelphia.
"Elsewhere, one operates under the assumption that ones mind is always being looked into. Especially when elder Mekhets are around. Politeness is relative, particularly where age is concerned."
"...oh. I promise I've never-ever done that to you. I've only recently unlocked that level of Auspex, and I haven't ever used it on another Kindred." She seems pretty horrified by the idea.
"One gets used to it - Jasper is of that old guard, in some sense." Cian shrugs, as if he's used to the concept, to the point where the horror doesn't register.
"I don't think it will set you back, here. Not poking about in Kindred's brains, I mean."
"...oh. I suppose that would explain how he knew." She shakes her head. "I'll never be able to leave Philly and survive in Kindred society, will I?"
"...I don't know why you'd want to." Cian shakes his head. "Jasper suspected before we got close enough to warrant that sort of thing. I make a rather poor elder, when all is said and done."
"Or if something here changes. Saagochque's strong, but she might not be in power forever and ever." A pause, and a sideways glance. "You've fooled most people, Cian."
"Have I? The facade doesn't hold up for longer than surface level, inconsequential interactions, as far as I can tell."
"Oh, you think most people, Kindred or otherwise, spend their time looking below the surface?" She lets out a harsh, almost bitter laugh.
"...You have a point." He sighs and shakes his head. "At the end of the day I'd rather people not try to see what lies in the depths."
"That's a lonely sort of existence, I have to imagine. With no one allowed in." She bends down to untie and pry off the victorian boots that go with her work clothes, so she can pull her feet up under her without getting the couch dirty.
"I spend much of my time alone." Cian's shrug is overly casual. "One starts to prefer it to the alternative."
"Do you really? Prefer to be alone, I mean." She starts to reach out, but stops partway, lets her hand drop to the couch.
"There have been a few that have challenged that narrative recently. Yourself among them." It's almost a confession.
"Oh good. I didn't know if I was imposing myself on you, if you wanted me to fuck off." She hits the fricative hard, not looking at him.
"No, not at all."
Has Cian ever reached out, sought Phaedra's touch?
His hand gently rests against hers, sickly pale and cool to the touch.
"You have never been an imposition, Phaedra."
She looks quietly at his hand on hers, and smiles just very slightly. "Maybe not to you."
"Never, to me. I'm sorry that others think differently - the ones who don't bother to look below the surface." He looks at her, quietly.
She shifts her hand so it's palm-up. Just barely holding onto his, no pressure at all. No restriction.
Cian lets his fingers fall between hers, if she'll let them. No pressure, just relaxing his hand as he sits back a little on the couch.
"The way you touch my sleeve, sometimes, it seems to have meaning for you but I've been unable to..." Cian pauses, the corner of his mouth twitching upward. "to form a hypothesis, as it were."
She shrugs slightly. "It seems safer? Like...if something went wrong and I had to get away quick, it'd be easier, than if I was holding onto your hand."
His gaze flicks to their hands before he returns it to her face, and he nods. "I see. An accurate assessment, I suppose. One born from experience?"
"I've told you little bits about that before." She nods. "Older men have meant danger for me, in my experience. Yes, I can keep startling you. Keep knocking you off balance. It makes me feel a little bit in control, and that means you're not completely in control and that means I'm safer."
Cian lifts his hand, and runs it through his hair before setting it down on the couch. Within reach, if Phaedra would like to initiate contact, but no longer touching. "By all means. Absolutely do what it takes for you to feel safer. Is...that something I can help with?"
"You are helping." She lets out a soft laugh, and does rest her hand lightly on top of his. "Every time you don't hurt me, it helps a little. You and the others around, who have decided to help show that my birth family wasn't normal, wasn't what I should expect, or what I deserve. I'm working on it--in the same way you are, for different reasons."
"You deserve worlds better than your birth family. And I will say...as much as you knock me off balance I find that I don't mind, so much." Cian offers her a small smile, and it's his turn to turn his hand palm up.
She smiles. “Because at least some of the time it’s pleasant surprises with me, perhaps.”
"Perhaps." Cian's smile widens. "It helps that it's usually under circumstances where I am able to save face in front of others, or there are no others to save face with."
Her fingers interlace slowly and gently with his. “That’s been intentional. I’m not looking to ruin you or your reputation.”
He nods, and watches her hand move, curious and a little hesitant. "It shows, and it helps. Thank you. We aren't alone in working through what our pasts have tried to make us, and...that helps too."
“Daniel told me Alex Shaw is working on a support group for those of us with some past trauma shit. I...know you probably won’t join, but I could bring you any resources, reference materials, if I end up joining? I’m also going to be joining Guy and Sledge’s pack, that’s a thing that’s happening. Making connections.”
"Quite a few connections. I would look through whatever resources you think fit to send in my direction, yes." Cian sighs quietly. "I...should possibly seek out some connections, myself."
“Well. You’ve got me, at the least.” And there’s the gentlest little squeeze on his hand. “But yes, you should get more. Talk to your clanmates—Atalo, Guy. Make more friends. Don’t bottle yourself up and turn to vinegar.”
"I do have you." Cian gives her hand the gentlest squeeze back. "And my Requiem is better for it."
She smiles slightly. “I should get home soon, unless you want me sleeping over. Might be weird for you, if I do.”
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