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Apart from the short trip out to see Nevy, Calamity's pretty much been hanging out at Finley's place. Sprawled on the couch, without an appetite and in kind of a lot of pain (they really do give you the bare minimum of pain meds). It's been a week and a half though, and they've perked up a little. Graduated from nibbling the occasional pop tart to actually getting delivery. Small meals, but it's definitely progress.
Fast progress. It's pretty clear that they really do heal as quickly as they say - they've even had the strength to go take short baths, in the past few days. What they haven't done is talk much. Sure, they'll answer any questions Finley asks, but they haven't been making conversation really at all.
Finley had spent most of the time playing nurse. If Calamity let zhem, anyway. If allowed, Fin didn't leave much save for work or to feed. Zhe did their best to make sure Calamity was fed, keeping easily eaten snacks on hand (even if it was just the pop tarts). Zhe even had given over the bed to them, instead of the couch--though helped them move back and forth if Calamity wanted to stay there instead to play video games and such. Zhe didn't go as far as helping them bathe, but definitely helped clean and change bandages, changing them out frequently.
Zhe returns tonight, having popped out long enough to feed, and returns looking less distracted and hungry. Zhe shrugs off their coat to hang up and smiles at Calamity. "Hey."
Uncharacteristically, Calamity is pretty content to let Finley play nurse. Maybe it's because they know how badly fucked up they got, or maybe it's a welcome relief to not the in the hospital. Who knows, Calamity's not telling, but they barely even protested Finley taking the couch and giving them the bed.
They're currently curled up under a blanket on the couch, the rpg on the tv screen paused as Finley comes down the stairs. Their smile, as it has been in the past week, is tired. "Hey. Have a good dinner?"
"It was alright. Not as fulfilling as I like, but I didn't want to go through the trouble of tracking down someone of the right blood type. Was good enough." Zhe steps over. "Have you eaten yet today?"
"Uh huh." Calamity nods and gestures with their good arm to some half full takeout containers sit. "I was gonna put 'em away but I fell asleep, an' then...video games...sorry."
"It's ok," Fin assures, reaching out to touch Calamity's shoulder gently. Then moves to pack up the leftovers and go to put into the fridge. "How are you feeling?"
They let out a slightly annoyed whine in response to the question, and grimace. "Sick'a feelin' like shit...my brain's just...fuck I had so much shit set up an' now..." they settle back down onto the couch with a huff.
"Set up?" Once the food is tucked away, Finley makes a glass of ice water to bring over and set down beside them.
"I mean...there's the whole thing I wanted to do that I told you 'bout, with the asshole who's why I got kidnapped. An' I got another job lined up, too...an'...d'I tell you the cops came by the hospital, same day I left?" Calamity takes the ice water and chugs it. Someone clearly isn't keeping themself hydrated.
Finley eyes them, making note to bring more water more frequently. "No... You didn't mention that... What'd they say?"
"...Yeah. Just told me t'stay 'round here in case they had any more questions. Pretty sure they bought it that I don't know nothin'." Another grimace. "But 's all a fuckin' mess, an' the guys're never gonna let me do jobs with 'em now."
"Have you talked with... the guys, yet?"
"'Bout what? I mean they're the ones who called the ambulance an' shit. But I wasn't really up for talkin'. And none of 'em'll set foot in a hospital, don't really blame 'em. Figured I'd catch up on whatever I missed when I feel less like shit and can get back there."
Finley hesitates a moment, then pushes on gently, "They're probably worried about you, you know..."
"I mean they texted me some." Calamity looks away, focusing on the water. "They know I'll be fine. 'S whatever." It's...probably not whatever.
Zhe stares at Calamity for a moment, then glances away, frowning. "I don't think it's... fine. None of this... seems fine."
"It - I mean it's..." Calamity grimaces and curls into themself a little. "I just never killed anyone before." They hiss out the word, like they're afraid people will here. "I don't do that, B an' F doesn't do that. But it's..." A shrug. They're still very much not looking at Finley.
"You didn't... mean to. Right? The explosion... It was like when you accidentally burned me, right? The fire just... came out." Finley slides down to sit behind Calamity, scooting close enough to wrap their arms gently around them.
They're tense, and only lean into Finley a little. "I mean..." They swallow. "Fin I hurt him so bad...on purpose. I attacked him with fire, like I did with the rats, an' - I mean he was a person. A fuckin' human being, and now he's not and it's my fault." Their voice starts to shake as they finish talking.
"They attacked you, Ember," Finley says softly, resting their chin lightly against Calamity's uninjured shoulder. "They tried to kill you. You were defending yourself..."
"I - I know they'da prob'ly killed me 'f they got the chance." Calamity's voice is almost a whisper. "But...I dunno. Don't matter, he's still dead, an' I did that. An' part'a me wanted to, before it happened. I wanted 'em to fuckin pay for it. And I made sure they did, and..." they swallow again, and swipe their arm across their nose. "An' now what?"
"Do you think I'm an irredeemable monster?" Finley asks after a moment. "Do you forgive me for the horrible things I have done?"
"Ain't nothin' to forgive, can't help what you are. An'...I dunno. You're my Fin, an' yeah I guess you're a monster, but like...we all kinda are."
"If you can forgive me, you should be willing to forgive yourself." Finley nuzzles into the back of their neck gently. "But I know it's hard. It's... really hard. Especially since you're human, and to mourn people is human, but... making mistakes is human too..."
"How d'you do it? I feel like I shouldn't even fuckin' care, like...he was a bully an' a dick an' would'a killed me. But...he - he didn't, he - I...he was lying so still..." Calamity's voice wobbles again. "I've seen that shit before, but not when - when it's me who did it."
Finley's arms tighten around them a little more, being careful to avoid their wounds, but pulling them back against zhem closer. "It's different for me. I'm not human. And I've... slipped away, so much, from my humanity. There's just.... a disconnect. I've been trying to connect to that part of me, that I used to be. But it's a slow process."
Zhe falls quiet for a moment. "I think, for now... the first step? Is to let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling. Stop trying to pretend everything is okay. The longer you put off dealing with these feelings, the harder it'll be..."
"You killed someone. It's okay to feel ashamed, relieved, guilty, powerful... Those are natural feelings. You're not any worse for thinking these things and feeling these things."
Calamity is quiet for a few moments, trembling slightly in Finley's arms.
"I'm glad he's dead," they mutter. "'S...fuckin' scary, I just...part'a me's terrified. About doin' it again, 'f someone crosses me like that. An'...I don't wanna be glad, I don't wanna feel good about it. I shouldn't feel good about it..." they trail off as they start to shudder, taking small breaths like they're trying not to cry.
"That's... how I felt. I was glad they were dead. That they weren't a threat to you anymore." Granted, one of them is still around as a ghost, so that didn't really work out, did it?
"If you don't want to be those things, then you won't be," they continue, as if it's that simple. "The fact you are scared of these feelings is good, Ember. It means you will think twice in the future before doing it again, right?"
"I didn't wanna do it in the first place." It comes out as a sob, and Calamity shakes their head, hard enough to make them wince in pain.
Finley nods. "You can't help what you are, Calamity. No more than I can. You might lose control again, some day. But the important thing is that you don't choose to. That you don't let your mistakes change who you choose to be..."
"I chose to burn him," Calamity whispers. "And I'd'a done it again, an' -" They cut off with another sniffle, and shake their head. Like they're afraid to say more.
"Burning him didn't kill him though, right?" A beat. "And?"
"No, but - he'd still be alive 'f I hadn't." There's a long pause, and a couple of shaky breaths. "It made me feel powerful. T'do that to him. The shit I did on purpose made me feel powerful, not the shit I do on accident."
Another beat.
"I think I'd'a killed him with fire, 'f I got the chance. I don't think I could'a stopped myself." They're whispering again, a fearful confession, and they turn away.
Finley is quiet for a few moments.
"Did you start the fight by burning him? Did you try to use your fists first? Your knife? Did you try to get away?"
"Tried to hide in the bodega once I heard 'em following me, but they found me. One'a them threw a punch, an'...I hit the dude in charge with fire." Calamity's voice is still quiet, and they're still trembling.
"You tried to hide first. But you couldn't. You were cornered and scared and... it makes sense, that you wanted to feel powerful. Not like... like some trapped animal. You shouldn't hate yourself for that, Calamity."
"But I do..." Calamity's shoulders shake as they start to cry. "I hate that I'm - that I'm afraid of myself. An' afraid of what I could do t'anyone..." They trail off as their crying overpowers their ability to speak, and they curl against Finley, squeezing their eyes shut.
"I don't hate you," Finley whispers. "I'll never hate you." Zhe holds them close, rubbing slowly at their side, letting them cry.
At that, Calamity just fuckin' dissolves into tears, and turns to bury their face into Finley's shoulder. They grip zher shirt with their good hand, shaking and sniffling as they cry. Their entire body is tense, like they're still fighting the barrage of emotions, and its long minutes before they can do anything but sob into Finley's shirt.
"'M sorry," they finally sniffle. "'M sorry..."
Finley doesn't try to quiet them, just holds and rubs at their back, occasionally pressing zher lips to their temple and hair, nuzzling there. Letting them get everything out, with no trace of judgement or impatience.
"Don't need to be sorry," zhe murmurs. "I love you. You can cry with me whenever you need to."
"What's there to love..." Calamity huffs, and slowly uncurls themself, wincing as they do.
"There is a lot to love." Finley doesn't let them go quite yet. "You're loyal and kind and funny and brave and... and stubborn but I love that, too..."
"You're gonna make me cry again..." They're still sniffling, tears dripping down their cheeks and nose as they stare at their lap.
"Crying isn't such a bad thing..." Zher hand lifts to brush tears from their cheek gently.
"Makes me feel like a baby," Calamity huffs, and leans into Finley's hand.
Finley leans in to pepper their cheeks with light noisy smooches, trying to get them to crack a smile. "So what? Be a baby sometimes."
Calamity wrinkles their nose, but does crack a smile as Finley kisses them. They even let out a watery giggle.
"I've been letting you baby me all week. I ain't gotta cry too just to make extra sure."
Finley smiles sheepishly, head dipping. "I don't like seeing you in pain, but... it's been kind of nice, taking care of you. I haven't minded at all."
"Kinda used to takin' care of myself. Even with the guys, we look out for each other, but nothin' like this. Though I guess we've kinda worked together to patch each other up when we gotta. It ain't like this, though." Calamity leans in to kiss Finley's cheek back.
Finley tilts their head after to give them a soft kiss on the lips before pulling back. "I'll take care of you whenever you need me. Or even if you just want me to."
Calamity goes pink, at the kiss and then the words. "You don't gotta..." they whisper. "Gonna spoil me and shit."
Zhe smiles softly. "Oh, yes... because that sounds so awful..." Zhe nudges them gently. "You deserve to be spoiled from time to time."
They giggle again. "Ain't been spoiled in a long time. I mean like. 'Side from all the shit you've done for me. 'S nice, still waiting for you t'get bored of it, or whatever." They say it so casually, like it's a foregone conclusion, that Finley will eventually decide they don't want Calamity around.
Finley blinks a bit, then frowns. "I'm not ever gonna let you go, Calamity..."
Which.... is probably meant to sound reassuring..........
Damn Nossies coming off so creepy.
"Even if I..." Calamity reaches around to squeeze at Finley's side, tickling them with a smirk.
"Ah! No!" They wiggle backwards from them. "No fair, I can't retaliate with you hurt!"
Calamity huffs out a laugh and sits up to follow zhem, planting a kiss on their cheek instead of tickling them.
"It is fair, you're stronger'n me and you could totally pin me down."
"I could, but I don't want to hurt you, so I *can't." Zhe gives Calamity a pouty look. "How about we just cuddle instead?"
Calamity just sorta flops on top of Finley in response.
And then hisses in pain as the movement jostles their shoulder.
Finley frowns, rubbing their side gently and cradling them back against zhem. Zhe grabs the blanket to drape over them both. "Just relax. I got you."
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