|
Finley's place is in a fairly decent neighborhood. Not anything amazing, but--solidly working class. Close enough to Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania to get back and forth easily enough. It's a quiet neighborhood, a two story house that has recently been renovated and converted into a few different apartments. The front door is locked, but when Phaedra texts to let Fin know she's there, the Haunt appears a few moments later to open the door for her.
Zhe's wearing baggy jeans and an oversized sweater that has knitted bat pattern on it. And a mask, of course--this one has cute cartoonish penguins. The door opens into a hallway that has been made into a narrow entry room, with stairs that lead upwards and a couple visible doors.
Phaedra shows up at the house a little later than expected in a white peasant blouse with green and pink embroidery, bell-bottom jeans, and a flower crown made of fresh lilacs--hey, doesn't one of Fin's neighbors grow lilacs? What a coincidence! She has a small crossbody purse sitting on one hip and a broad grin on her face, and she hasn't really bothered to Blush herself. Her bike's been left to lean against the front porch if there is one, or politely parked on the lawn.
There likely is a front porch! Finley pauses to admire the flowers for a moment, then ushers her over to one of the doors. "Thanks for coming," zhe murmurs softly. "Um, the flowers are pretty. Did you just pick those...?" The door is opened, which leads down a set of stairs into a basement apartment.
The basement has been finished, so it's actually fairly nice. There's wood floors and the walls are a pleasant beige but bland color. It's not really... decorated, cause Finley sure as heck doesn't have an eye of design. More thrown together mismatched furniture angled more towards comfort than anything. A soft couch, a decent TV and entertainment system, and a small kitchen. There's a door that leads to another room--probably bedroom, but it's currently closed. There's a lot of cute stuff placed here and there--some anime character figurines and toys on a shelf, several stuffed animals lining the back of the couch, and some cute animal decor on the walls. No natural light--the two tiny windows at the top of one wall have been covered, but there's enough lamps that the space is well lit. There is a shelf of small potted plants though, with a sunlamp placed above them.
"Yeah, I got a little distracted on my way over here." She eyes the apartment thoughtfully, before gravitating to the stuffed animals on the couch, picking one up without waiting for permission and giving it a big old hug--closing her eyes for a moment. "I like this place--it's nice."
Finley doesn't stop her, though zhe watches a little nervously, as if afraid she was going to tease zhem about the stuffed animals. Zhe relaxes when she hugs it instead, head dipping a little. "Thanks... Um. Make yourself at home? I... don't have visitors very much so--just, um. I want you to be comfortable."
She sits down on the couch, still holding the stuffed sheep (or is it a lamb? Is that why she picked that one to hug?) on her lap. "I don't visit people very much. Sometimes, I guess. Almost always for readings."
"Oh--um... We don't have to do a reading, then!" Zher hands lift. "I don't want you to think that's the only reason I invited you over..."
"I mean, I don't mind it." She blinks, looking up at zhem quietly, eyes wide. "Why else did you invite me over?" There's an undertone there that makes it sound like it's almost 'why else would anyone invite me over?'
Zher eyes widen as well with a flash of panic. "I... wanted... to hang out with you...?" zhe murmurs, sounding unsure. "But if you don't, mm... want to, that's okay. We can just get the reading over with..."
Pause. She stares at zhem, before a smile slowly blossoms on her face. "Oh. I didn't realize. Hanging out sounds...really nice. Things have been a lot, lately, yeah? I've sort of...everything's been readings and seeking and diving and scrying and I don't think I've stopped to breathe--I mean, not that I have to breathe, but you know what I mean."
The Haunt looks like zhe very much wants to crawl away into a dark hole as Phaedra stares, but her smile makes the panic fade. Zhe watches her anxiously for a moment before it sinks in that she's telling the truth. "You've... been pushing yourself a lot lately..." Finley finally steps over, sitting down on the couch beside her. "You don't have to seek anything with me. I just like being around you too."
When zhe sits, Phaedra's smile only grows. "Mind if I lean on your shoulder?"
"...um... Sure? If you want to?" Finley looks dumbfounded by the question, but doesn't seem to mind.
She just sort of...flumphs into zhem, abandoning dignity completely as she invades zher personal space. "I have to push myself. Because if I don't, they'll all realize, they'll see through me and see how useless and stupid I am."
Finley sits straight backed, staring down at zher lap, where zher hands fold together. "Why... do you think you're useless and stupid? That's not true at all. I... I don't think so, anyway..."
"I don't have a lot of the words. I never went to school or anything, and when I try to explain things, I can't always, because it's not...I don't know anything."
Zhe's quiet for a moment, staring down at zher knees before glancing sideways to her. "Well... I do. And you've been a lot more useful than I have, lately. And... That sort of thing can be learned, Phaedra. The sort of intelligence you have can't just... be learned by reading books. It's special."
"It doesn't always feel that way." She lets out a small laugh. "I wish...I wish I'd gotten what everyone else does."
"What everyone else does? You mean school and stuff?"
"School. Friends. A life." She lifts her head, curling around the stuffed sheep. "I watch movies, about high school, sometimes. Even when there's bullies and stuff, it looks like...it's...you know? People-y. They can choose to make friends with other people if there's bullies, they're not stuck and...I wish I'd had any of that."
Finley lets out a soft huff, looking away. "It's... not like it is in the movies. Not for everyone, anyway. Maybe... for some people..." Zhe shifts a bit, then leans sideways into her. "I'm sorry you didn't have the chance. Um. If you'd gone to school with me, I would've been friends with you."
She wraps her arm around zhem. "Really?"
"Y-yeah--of course," zhe mutters quickly. "I would have loved being friends with you. I... um... I didn't really have any."
And that leads to a gentle squeeze. "Oh. Well, you do now, at least."
Finley isn't Blushed, so isn't blushing, but zhe does look very sheepish, not quite looking at her. "Yeah... It's nice. Um--you do too, you know. I'm glad I'm your friend, Phaedra." Zhe glances back at her, then moves a thin arm to wrap around her to squeeze with a surprising amount of strength for someone so scrawny--but zhe tries to be gentle.
She kinda melts into the squish. "I'm glad, too. Thank you, for everything."
The Haunt relaxes a little as she melts, though based on zher stare Finley is maybe quietly wondering if this is real or not. "You know... if you wanted to... go to college, you could? You'd just... need to get a GED, and then it's... not too hard to get into a community college, at least. I could help you... I know it wouldn't be the same, but, um... If you wanted?"
"I...would probably need a lot of help to get to the GED, honestly." She laughs self-mockingly.
"I bet you could do it," Finley murmurs. "It might take some time and work--but I know you could, if you wanted to."
"Only if you're going to help me. There's so much that I don't know I don't know."
"I'll help you," Finley assures. "You've helped me a lot to learn occult stuff... It's the least I can do..."
"Okay. Though...we don't have to start tonight, though. I'm...uh. Comfortable right here, and kind of don't want to move, yet." She gives zhem a warm smile.
Finley makes a surprised sputtering sound and looks away, clearing zher throat. "...I'm glad you're comfortable..." Zhe shifts a little, not sitting up quite as straight and stiff. More comfortable against her. "Do you like sheep?" zhe asks, touching the stuffed one in her lap lightly.
"My name's Phaedra Lamb. It wasn't always Phaedra Lamb, but it was always Lamb--I kept that because I like it; I like how innocent they are. And how fluffy."
"Oh--right." Zhe grimaces at not having realized that. "That... makes sense. Um. It's a really pretty name. I can see why you kept it." Finley hesitates a second before continuing more softly, "Do... you not like talking about, um. Your childhood?"
She tenses significantly, but doesn't move away from Finley. "It was...bad. I basically grew up in a cult. A very Christian cult, ran by my uncle. And I...was psychic back then. He saw me as a prophet. He saw me as an object. My sire rescued me from the cult, and she gave me my freedom and choices."
Finley frowns behind the mask, brows creasing together. "I... I'm so sorry... Mm... You don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to? I--just... I didn't want to ask, if you didn't want to talk about it." Zher other arm lifts to wrap around her and hug gently. "I'm... glad you got away."
She closes her eyes. "I never would have gotten away alone. But it's good now. I choose how I use myself."
Finley nods, considering her a moment. "Do you like being kindred?"
"Yes! It's empowering. Do...you?"
"Oh." Zhe hesitates, looking awkward. "No. Not really."
"...oh. Why not? Um, if you're willing to talk about it." She gives zhem a confused, concerned look.
"I... wasn't given a choice," Finley murmurs. "And it just made people dislike me more. I..." Zhe hesitates, pulling zher arms away slowly, but not completely disengaging--still letting her lean, if she wants. "It's complicated, I guess."
She does remain leaned up close, and moves the sheep plushie to zher lap. "I'm sorry that you didn't have a choice. That's awful. Are you...do you feel like you're free, now?"
"...No. Kind of the opposite... I feel... trapped."
"Oh. Can you...do you feel like talking about why?" Her voice has dimmed down to a low murmuring whisper.
"I--are you sure? I don't... I mean... I invited you over to have fun. Not... be depressing."
She shakes her head. "You invited me over to hang out. Because we're friends."
Zhe still doesn't immediately continue, but after a few moments zhe takes a deep breath. "I... guess I... I dunno. I feel like my body isn't mine anymore. Like I'm... riding along in a stranger's body..." Zher hand lifts to touch the mask lightly. "My sire... would force me to bathe in his blood. Made me into... a doll. Which was... horrible enough, before I was... embraced. And now... I either... have to be the doll, or... I'm... a monster..." Zher brows knit tightly. "Neither feels... right. But at least I feel like... I'm not... being what he wanted me to be, when I'm a monster..."
She looks at the mask quietly. "That is awful. Like...I get it...holy fuck, I get it. And I understand why you don't do the pretty thing much, now. It makes sense, not wanting to be the thing your abuser made you to be. Though...um. For myself, feeling like I'm in control, when I'm choosing to be a seer instead of being used as a prophet, that helps a lot. But that's just me. As for monster...I've never actually seen what you look like, under there. You might look ugly, but what you are isn't being a monster. Because who you are counts, it matters. A lot."
Finley glances back at her, dark eyes vulnerable and uncertain, searching her's for a moment. "It... doesn't bother you? When people come to you for readings or visions and stuff? It doesn't make you feel used?"
"I can tell them no, now, and be heard. And the rest of the Circle will have my back, if I do. Atalo and Henevi and probably even Lethia. I get to decide, you see. This is my unlife, my requiem, and I am as much tied to the Beast as anyone else around." She lets out a small laugh.
"I mean. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying your point of view is bad. It's yours, and I respect it. But I have never-ever-ever felt so free in my life as I do in my death."
"No, it's okay. I get it," Finley assures, zher face softening. "I'm glad you have... found freedom, Phaedra... Being different is... okay. And I... kind of get it. Sometimes it's--okay. I mean. You know I do it sometimes. I just... I like doing it for a purpose. When I'm experimenting. And it has helped me, some. It's part of my... my studies. It's how I've... managed to change myself. If I can focus on that, it's less... mm... less traumatic. Less him and more me."
She nods, pausing a moment. "Can I see? Without the mask, I mean."
"...Are you sure?" zhe asks softly, anxiously.
"I'd like to. But you're welcome to say no." She nods.
Finley's hands fidget together nervously for a few seconds before they reach up to unloop the straps and slide the mask off. Zher mouth is a monstrous thing--far too many teeth, all too sharp, protruding enough that even with zher lips closed and jaw clamped shut they're still visible. The fact their lips are thin, too wide and drawn back don't help.
And she looks at zhem quietly for a long, hard moment, before reaching out and touching zher cheek gently.
Zhe flinches slightly, just a split-second, head dipping. Zhe doesn't look at her.
"You're right. You look like a monster. You embody the horrors of the Beast in flesh." She smiles. "It's pretty awesome."
A flash of pain passes over zher eyes, shoulders drooping. Then she smiles and continues--and Finley goes still, forcing zhemself to look back at her uncertainly. "...It is...?" zhe says softly, barely opening zher mouth to get the words out.
She nods. "It absolutely is. I have a theory about the Beast, in general. I'm sure if I told it to the wrong person, they'd call it a heresy. But...I think it's not a bad thing, to be Monster, sometimes. And you, you're Monster in flesh, and in blood, and in teeth, and it's refreshing, to see it up front, instead of squinting to catch the glimpses. People like Renault and Atalo, working to hide from the Beast in them, they seem less...honest, to me."
Finley blinks slowly, head tilting to stare at her fully. Zher mind is clearly churning, working through that line of thought. "I... guess I never really... thought about it like that, before... I've... been working really hard, since I was freed from him to--to keep my Beast hidden and controlled."
"Again, I'm talking from my own perspective here, but the Beast is that within us which is divine, it's beyond human ken, a shard of something infinitely powerful, as powerful as the void-thing the Nereids worship. We Acolytes talk about the Mother of Monsters, but...it's not that She birthed us so much as there's a piece of Her infinite power within each of us. And it is holy and profane at the same time."
Finley nods thoughtfully, brows knitting together. "Tahmina says... we shouldn't let go of our humanity. That it's important to hold onto that. Do you... not care about being human, at all?"
"I don't let go of my humanity completely, but I honor my human life as something that has past, and recognize that there's more to me than what-was-human. There's...to be an Acolyte, you have to accept that to grow closer to the Divine is to step away from humanity. The titles people hold can help you see how far along that path someone has gone, in a way?"
"How so? I... um. I don't know much about the Acolytes," zhe murmurs apologetically.
"Well. Like, for myself: besides Haruspex, I hold the title of Maiden. That's not solely about being young, though most Maidens are. It also is a declaration that I have never killed. There's certain roles only I can play in rituals because of that fact. Henevi's a Mother. That's not just about age, it's also the role she takes. Atalo has chosen to make of himself a Guardian. He's not afraid to shed blood to defend the covenant or its members. Or to bleed, for that matter."
"You've... never killed anyone?" Finley blinks at her, looking absolutely mystified at the thought.
She nods. "Never. My sire took very good care to make sure of that when I was new and young and figuring everything out--because of the weight the Circle puts on the act of taking your first life."
"I... guess that makes sense." Finley frowns, lips twisting downwards around the maw of teeth. "I've... killed a lot of people. None since--I was freed, but..."
"Well. I'm not holding them against you. I'm just saying that if you sat in on any of our rituals, your role would be different from mine." There's a small thoughtful pause. "Of course, the matter of how to place you in a ritual might also be complicated by you not being male or female. Like, a Maiden becomes a Scarlet Woman; a Fool becomes a Warrior. What would you be? It might require a little workshopping."
"Everything is gendered?" Finley's brows crease at the idea, clearly not likely the thought at first--but then winces. "I--well, it doesn't matter anyway, um. I doubt I'd ever take part in any rituals... Not that I wouldn't w-want to! Just--I know there's secrets and all."
"I mean...yes, a lot of it's gendered, but there's also...it's not like strict asshole gender roles, like it was for me growing up, exactly. Like...it's definitely based in the gender you identify with, for one."
"Thats good, then." Finley nods. "So long as people get to choose..." Zhe leans back into the couch, seeming to relax a little. Also talking a little more naturally now, rather than trying to keep zher mouth from opening much at all--which shows flashes of the rows of teeth, like some twisted lamprey/shark-like monster. "Do you think I'd ever be able to watch you use, um... your blood rituals?"
"Cruac?" She looks thoughtful. "Maybe. Some rituals, there's more to see than others. I'd be alright with you watching, though. I...have the idea of even trying to create rituals of my own, eventually. Based on some things I know about the world and magic in it."
"Really?" Finley blinks curiously, leaning in a little. "Like what?"
"I...so, how much do you know about spirits?"
"Not much," zhe admits. "I know they... exist? And are born from, um, things people do? Or nature. And they're different from ghosts."
"Right. So, there's spirits that belong to...ideas. Things like emotions, for example. Or...war, there are definitely spirits of war. But things also have spirits. Animals, rocks, objects." She tucks a strand of hair behind an ear. "But a lot of object spirits are...hm, kind of like they're in torpor, because the object doesn't get enough attention and essence for it to be worth them being fully engaged?"
Finley nods along, seeming to be following easily enough. "You think you can wake them up?"
"Yes. With blood sorcery. I've seen objects before that have been affected with blood, to make them better. Sledge's motorcycle, it's...really awesome, actually, seeing how much of a partner it is for her. But I think whatever she did to it is a thing her bloodline does, not sorcery."
"...Huh?" Finley blink-blinks. "She manipulates the bike with her blood?"
"Enhances, I think. Ties it to her? They're...bonded."
Zhe stares, eyes going wide. "Hh... huh? What? Really? That's so cool! But--how--mm... I wonder if Guy can do that too..." Zhe glances off, looking dreamy-eyed. "I wonder if they'd let me study them...?"
She grins. "Sledge let me use Auspex to examine the bike before taking me for a ride. Soooo, quite possibly, maybe. If you figure anything out about it that I haven't, though, you gotta let me know."
"I will." Finley's head bobs. "Mm, that's... fascinating. That would be so cool, if you could wake up spirits with your blood." Zhe sinks into the couch more, pulling one of the stuffed animals down to hug against zher chest, resting zher chin on top of it. "I wanna make something new too. Um... something to change myself. But change it how I want. But I'm not sure yet. I was hoping studying my psychic friend's blood would lead to something cool, but it was like normal mortal blood."
"Hmm. My blood probably wouldn't be helpful to you, then, even if I used to be a psychic. I'm not sure if that had any influence on how I developed as a Kindred or not." She leans back into zhem comfortably.
Finley glances over at her, then shifts a bit closer, lips curling up into a... well, honestly kind of grotesque looking smile. But sincere. "I mean... I wouldn't turn down the chance to study your blood. I study mine a lot, but um... I'm sure there's minor variations in our vitae."
"Almost certainly. Different clans, for one." She lets out a laugh.
"Mm..." Zhe nods. "I understand some people get, um, uncomfortable giving blood, though. So it's up to you. But it'd be interesting."
She shakes her head. "You know why people get nervous, right? Who knows what terrible blood magic someone could do, if they got their hands on some of your blood. There's a whole concept of sympathy in magic. That what was a part of you remains tied to you. That what is similar to you can affect you. A lot of that's where ideas like voodoo dolls come from. Creating an effigy to influence a person at range, if you have some of their hair or blood and something that resembles them."
"Mm..." Zher brows crease together, frowning now. "I guess that makes sense... I don't... know how to do anything like that, though. I just like... looking at their blood." Which totally isn't creepy, Fin.
"I believe you, when you say you don't know how to do anything like that." She pauses, looking like she might say something more, but she doesn't.
Zhe hesitates, but curiosity gets the better of them, giving her a curious look--but not pressing otherwise.
"There are Cruac rituals that can make use of blood to learn about someone." And she leaves it at that.
"Oh." Finley pauses, then nods. "Well... I trust you. But I'll be mindful of it in the future." Zhe reaches up to pluck a stray flower petal that had fallen from the crown and into her hair, looking down at it. "Um... What sort of things do you... enjoy? Other than magic and seeking?"
"I like listening to music. I'm not good at singing though. Or dancing. Sort of clumsy. Um, and I like watching people. And I do like doing tarot. And people-watching."
"I like people-watching too. I--do that a lot. While Obfuscated. People are fascinating. And weird. I never really... took time to look at people, before I was embraced. I always... had my nose buried in books." Zhe pauses, then puffs out a soft breath. "I guess you realize what you're... missing, when it's--out of reach."
She reaches out and places one of her hands atop one of zher's lightly.
"Yeah, that makes sense."
Finley's brain short circuits as zhe stares at Phaedra's hand, zher body going very still for long enough for it to become awkward. "Mm... Um--I like music too," zhe blurts out to fill the silence.
She pulls her hand back, assuming that was a bad sort of a freeze. "Sorry."
Zher face falls, and in a moment of panic reaches to grab her hand--perhaps a little too tightly. "N-no, no--please--it's okay."
She squeezes back gently. "Are...you sure? I really don't want to make you uncomfortable."
"I'm sure." Finley catches zhemself, not letting go--but lightening up the grip so it's less crushing. "I'm just... not... used to people wanting to touch me like that. But I... I like it! Really!"
"Okay...well. If you ever do feel uncomfortable, like bad? Please let me know. You're my friend, and I don't want to hurt you. And I'll do the same, alright?"
"Okay." Zhe breathes out a breath, looking embarrassed. "I promise I'll tell you if I ever get uncomfortable. But I've not been uncomfortable so far with you. It's just new. Nice, but new. I'm just... afraid... I'll do something wrong and... scare you."
"The last time I got scared by someone was just before you came into Atalo's shop the other day. He kissed me on the forehead, and it reminded me of my uncle. But...that's not even something I'm mad at Atalo for, not really." She shakes her head, or maybe nuzzles into zher shoulder.
Finley frowns. "Oh... I'm sorry..." Zhe keeps hold of her hand, zher other arm wrapping around her to squeeze gently. "I'll... remember that, and won't ever do it. Is... there anything else I should avoid?"
"You're okay to do it. You're not a man who look old enough to be my father. You're not even a man." She laughs. "Things like that are weird, sometimes, because, like. My head knows that Atalo would never harm me, but my...not even my heart, it's just like. My instincts? But they're not instincts, because it's a learned reaction. My gut, I guess."
"I... understand that." Zher brows crease a moment, frowning. Zhe continues, softer, "You shouldn't feel bad for having reactions like that. It's... um, normal? And I... get it. I don't... like it when people yell or get angry. It still makes me feel... small and weak."
She nods quietly. "I will...try not to do it around you. Or warn you to cover your ears, if I'm going to yell. And I won't do it at you. Okay?"
"You don't got to... I mean... I can handle it if I have to, I just don't like it. But--um. I'd appreciate it if you tried not to yell at me? I hope I never... give you reason to anyway."
"I...have a temper. I don't plan on ever directing it at you, but. If I'm about to read someone the riot act, I will warn you. Because it can be...intense."
Finley blinks at her naively, bewildered. "Really? But... you're so sweet and nice... I can't imagine you ever being angry..."
She blinks. "I'm glad you can't imagine it."
Zher head tilts, staring for a long moment before giggling, zher hand lifting to cover zher mouth self consciously as they do. "I... kind of want to see it, now? So long as its... not... at me."
"I mean, that's the reason why Banan Mac Lochlainn still kinda hates me. I...may have cut him down once, with some very sharp words."
Zhe blinks. "Over what?"
"I don't remember what started it, but I called him out over his lack of actual conviction. He's sort of..." She pauses. "Okay, you know that thing where you start doing a thing, and then realize it's not helping, but you've started, so you've got to keep doing it now? He's like that."
"More... acting out of pride, than a belief system, you mean?"
"Yeah. Exactly. And I told him that, and that it's obvious to anyone who looks."
Finley grimaces a little, but still looks... kind of amused? And a little bewildered, having trouble imagining Phaedra telling off an older vampire like that. "Hopefully he doesn't do anything bad to you in return... But... kind of sounds like he needed to be taken down a peg." Zhe squeezes her hand gently. "But I... guess it does make sense, in a way. You see... a lot. Not just your visions. But people, too. It's a good thing, to not be afraid of the truth."
"Are you afraid of what I might see?" She squeezes back, looking at their face, and yes, their teeth, without flinching away.
Finley hesitates, shrinking a bit underneath her unflinching gaze. Zhe're not used to being stared at so intently, especially not with the mask off. Though it's more a self conscious sort of shrinking, more than fear. "...Maybe...?"
"I'm not." She smiles, relaxing back against zher shoulder.
"...Then... I'll try not to be afraid," Finley says softly, smiling around the monstrous teeth. "Thank you for being my friend, Phaedra." Zhe squeezes around her again gently, turning into her a bit more to snuggle properly.
|