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The directions Phaedra had given Guy lead him deep into the dark woods, to a run-down little cottage. It doesn't look like much--there's storm damage on the roof and wild tangly plants growing right up beside the building. Inside, lights are on, though.
Guy looks over the house a bit, thinking to himself, and then knocks on the front door. “It’s your Guy,” he says neither loudly nor softly to the front door.
Phaedra answers the door; she's wearing one of her embroidered floaty dresses, her hair loose and running a little wild tonight, all tangles and curls. "Mine?" There's amusement behind the word, but curiosity too.
The cottage itself is a bit of a mess, books in stacks on a table here, a few small velvet bags on a shelf there. Notebook open with a pen laid across the pages on the couch. There's a couch in the living room, see. The cottage's windows are not covered by blackout curtains, and in fact, the space that Guy can see doesn't look safe to sleep in at all.. And the kitchen seems to be as much of a work area as any, the pantry door removed so the shelves can be stacked with MOAR BOOKS; there's no fridge in that space, though there is a sink and a stove.
He takes in the room in a glance. “It’s a joke. Like ‘I’m your guy’, or ‘the AC guy is here’. You know. Sounded better in my head, I guess. Anyway, how are you?”
So...Guy knows he's a Big Scary Fucker. But there's something about Phaedra now that even sets him a little on edge, like she might somehow be almost as Big Scary Fucker as he is. Maybe more. On her, it manifests as eerie, otherworldly, an intense sense that she sees below the skin when she looks up at him.
"I've been pretty busy lately. Did a lot of tarot readings last night, as I said. For Cian and Daniel and Jasper. And I've been focusing on learning more of Auspex, too. It's good. And there's a tentative sort of plan to find Adelgrief's library, maybe."
He watches her for a moment, taking in this sense of her being scary, feeling it out, remembering it. When she speaks again he snaps out of it, and ducks through the the door into the cottage. “It’s good, to be busy, if it’s giving you something to do. You know, we never did get around to doing a reading for me, did we? Not that you need to right now.”
He’s wearing his usual biking outfit tonight, Hellhound jacket and all.
"No, we never did, yet. Perhaps after you say what you'd come to say." She smiles slightly. "Boots off? Then we can go sit and talk."
He takes the boots off, and waits for her to lead him where she wishes to sit. “Yes, I...have more to discuss about the Pack, after speaking to Finley last night. It’s something that I was always going to explain, but I was going to wait until I had you and Finley and Rena together, but then that didn’t happen, and...yeah...” He seems irritated, behind his usual stoic expression, maybe even nervous.
She leads him over to the couch, folding her notebook closed and setting it atop a stack of books off to one side, before settling. "Don't pussyfoot, Guy. Tell it to me straight, that helps."
He takes an unnecessary breath. “I’m sorry if I miscommunicated this to you, but a pack isn’t just a Gangrel name for a coterie. Coteries don’t usually have leaders. And the benefit of literally working better comes with the fact that my Beast will expect everyone to listen to me. Now, I’d never ask any of you to do anything bad, but I understand that the idea of that may make you uncomfortable. I told Finley because I knew it would, and it did, and I calmed them down, helped them understand how I felt, but they said they needed to think about it, which I get. So I’m telling you because you deserve to know, and so you two can...discuss it, if you want to.”
"Ah." Clearly, whatever she had been expecting, this was not it. She curls herself up somewhat, arms loosely around her knees and watches him. "Okay. Unpack that a little more for me."
“So...joining the Pack involves an initiation, and that creates a bond to the other Pack members through me. It means that when you work with a pack mate on a task, you’re literally better, it’s...a little hard to put into words. The other side of that is if someone...steps out of line...sorry, I’m struggling with the words, I know that sounds bad...my Beast will expect correction. A punishment. I can force that down, though, if I don’t think it’s necessary. And I would give very loose guidelines, because I don’t want to control any of you. And when I say punishment, I mean something like not getting to ride with the pack for a time or something, I’d never hurt any of you...I know that’s a lot of faith to extend to me, and I never meant for it to be a surprise, or...I was always going to make things clear before any of you decided to join...”
She looks thoughtful, watching him with those large blue eyes, like she's weighing him, like she's taking his measure. "So, it's a function of your Beast. Does it...would it create any change within my Beast, some...desire to obey, or to serve?"
He shakes his head. “No, nothing like that. The Beast is too savage, too selfish, I think. It...I’m not sure why, but apparently some Gangrel’s Beasts can...lead others. It won’t prevent you from frenzying at each other, or anything like that, but you’ll instinctively know how to best help the others if you work at the same task.”
He’s sitting with his hands in his lap, looking at them.
She nods, and then tilts her head to one side. "You're really nervous about this. Can you explain what's making you nervous?" Her voice is soft, and she reaches out to touch the sleeve of his jacket gently, brushing her fingers very deliberately against it before pulling back again.
“I’m afraid that you’ll all say no because you’re not comfortable giving me power over you. Which I would understand completely, but...I want you all to join the pack so you feel strong, safe...I don’t want to hurt you by bringing up things you’d rather forget...”
And she blossoms into a slow smile, and uncurls, scooting closer.
"Guy, the fact that you're thinking about that already means you're doing more to try and understand and care than like. The people who hurt me. You don't remind me of my uncle at all, ever. I...yeah, what you're asking is big and it's a lot, but you're working so hard to be honest and open and gentle. You know? Would you listen to me, if I had a legitimate concern to bring to you? Even if your Beast heard it as a challenge?"
“Yes, always. That’s one of the few things I would explicitly ask of you, if you joined. To come to me if you needed help, even if it was something to do with me.”
"Would you be able to accept 'it's a Crone thing' as an answer, if it's something I can't talk about? Because that's...something that might come up, sometime. It's something to think about ahead of time."
“I would accept that. I want you all to still have your privacy, your own lives. My goal isn’t...I don’t want to control you, or displace your loyalty to your covenant or family.” He slowly offers her his hand.
And she places her hand in his. The difference in sizes sure is a thing, isn't it?
"I know you don't. You're going out of your way to preserve our free will, to be gentle. It's...nothing about what you've said or done has set off my alarm bells. I can tell you're being careful, and that helps a lot. I feel safe with you."
“I...thank you, Phaedra.” He offers a small smile. “I know that all the language surrounding this is uncomfortable, with your past, but like I told Finley, I want all of you to have your trust in me rewarded, I...you all believe in me so much, I want to give you...belonging...”
"The one really big language piece is...you're not my father, you're not my uncle. You're not adopting me. Those are the words you'd have to be using to immediately make me big uncomfortable. That or calling me a prophet, that'd probably wind me up bad, too. There's a reason I cling so hard to my title as Haruspex, the, uh. The connotations are big different. It's not my only title among the Circle, but I'm not sure tonight's the time to discuss ritual purity as it applies to Acolytes."
She smiles back at him, before leaning in more, resting her cheek against the sleeve of his jacket.
“I never made childer, but I’d be flattered to have any of you. That being said, I’m not trying to adopt you all, or replace your sires.” He gives her hand a little squeeze. “I’m an old fart who wants to watch out for young people...”
"You're tender-hearted, is what you are." She squeezes back quietly. "I don't know how Finley's going to end up with all this. And I'm still serious about zhem being important for me to join. But if zhe asks me, I'm in favor of being a part of this."
“I made sure Finley knew that no matter what, I’d be zher friend. And I suggested talking to you, because I knew you were close. Not that I want you to convince Finley for me or anything, just...I thought you two could talk each other through everything.”
"We're definitely very close. I sleep over at zher haven at least a few nights a week." She lets out a bit of a laugh. "We balance each other out really well. I think...if this pack comes together how you want, we're all going to balance out."
“I was kind of hoping for that. I know that several of you are friends or know each other from different places, so I’m hoping for good chemistry. If everyone does come together.”
"Oh, Finley's the one who'll be good with chemistry. I'm no good at science yet." She sticks her tongue out slightly in a playful little blep to show she's teasing. "I think...our skills balance too, a little."
He nods. “Yeah, that’s good. Not that I plan on us...fighting super crime, or anything, but since the goal is working together, skills that balance is good.”
"I met someone, a while back, who's a masked crime fighter. They saved me and a friend from some trouble. Though I wasn't totally helpless in the situation, but. It was definitely a save." She laughs.
He chuckles. “That sounds like it was fascinating. Everything turn ok, I take it?”
“A masked crime fighter...”
"I mean, yeah. It made me realize that I need...better strategies for physical problems. I'm used to bolting, or puffing myself up like any of those animals that try to look bigger and scarier. But if it comes down to an actual fight--and this did, I couldn't just Celerity out of there and leave my friend behind--I'm not actually very good in a situation like that. Sure, I have a little Vigor on hand, but I don't really know how to use it."
She gives Guy a bit of a look. "I'm never going to be as badass as you, even if I try to learn, though."
“What makes you say that?” He raises an eyebrow, unsure of where she’s going.
"You're big and tall and have been at this for a lot longer." She laughs, like that should be obvious.
“I am older, so there’s a bit of a curve there, but. You’re a vampire. Size only means what it does to other people, the flesh is a lie. It’s only a vessel. You could tear down buildings, as well as people’s ego, if you wanted to.”
"The masked crime fighter has been teaching me some. But they're not Kindred. Can you teach me, too? Please?"
“Sure, I’d be happy to.” He gives her a smile. “Learning to defend yourself is important if you want to have a long, successful unlife.”
She lets out a bit of a laugh. "Long, successful unlife? Is that what I should be striving for?" There's a bitterness that underlines the words.
“Hmm. Not in and of itself, maybe. But happiness, security, doing good? You have to be around to have to be around to have those...”
She purses her lips but doesn't say anything right away, glancing off to one side.
“This is clearly a touchy subject for you, and I’m not trying to be insensitive. Please help me understand how you feel?”
"I think on some level, I'm still struggling to...picture myself actually lasting very long. I lost my sire only two years after I was Embraced. Hunters--she sacrificed herself to make sure I survived." She pulls her hand back. "I just...I feel like I might someday have to make a sacrifice. It's in my head, you know? That I've got to repay that debt, somehow."
He’s quiet for several long moments. “Phaedra...the world would be less without you in it,” he finally says softly.
She doesn't seem to know how to respond to that, and the words that eventually do come out are stilted, and a little empty. "That's very kind of you to say."
“I didn’t say it to be kind.” He looks up at her. “I would be very upset if you were gone.”
“I probably would be, too. But if it saves someone else? I wouldn’t hesitate.”
“Don’t...please don’t throw your life away, ok? I’m not saying you...just...please.”
She looks at him quietly. “I’m not going to just throw it away. Not without a reason, a purpose. I like this existence, I love being Kindred.”
He nods. “Ok...ok. Sorry, I just...your life has been filled with hardship, and I want you to have better than that.” He’s staring at his hands again.
“If this is the person you truly are, you shouldn’t ever have had to be a soldier.” There’s a hint of a smile returning.
“Some would say that because I’m like this, I had to be a soldier, but...really I did it to be with my friends, and then I fell in love with it...”
"You should have been a teacher. Or maybe a shepherd." Which is funny, coming from a girl whose surname is Lamb.
He snorts. “I wasn’t patient then. I would have been a terrible shepherd. A teacher...would have had to have gone to school to do that. But maybe.”
"Oh, school. You know, I'm studying to take the GED. So I can pick up evening classes at the community college. Fin and Cian and Rena and a bunch of others are helping me study."
“That’s good. I’m glad you’re getting help, and working for something you want. I’m sure you’ll do great.” He offers her a warm, genuine smile. “You’re already plenty smart, you’ll do fine at school, I think.”
"I'm...only kind of smart. I don't know if it's because of my past or because something's messed up in my head, but I don't always notice things, sometimes. Give me time to work through something, let me treat it like a puzzle, I'm great. But...if you're going to be around me, you'll probably see me trip over things that are big obvious to everyone else." She shrugs. "It means I have to think about things differently sometime. Fin says I should try to get an accommodation to take longer to take the GED, because I do better without time pressure."
“That’s not a bad plan.” He’s quiet a moment, then looks to her. “What’s it like, school? Do you like learning, even if you have to think about things differently than others?”
"I was only ever homeschooled, before I was Embraced. The first step to learning has been unlearning for me, a lot of the time. Which is good, because...I like knowing things. I like unearthing the truth and finding secrets and making connections, and all the studying I've been doing is a lot of that. I still need to ask people what words mean sometimes. Trying to...build up my vocabulary, so I have all the words I need, for everything in my head."
She seems to reach a thought and derail herself, blinking at Guy despite not being Blushed enough to need to blink. "Do you think in German, still?"
“Not anymore. I can, but one of the benefits of torpor is you come out readied to adapt. Learning English was...it changed me, I think. To fit in better.”
"Huh. So the language you think in actually has an effect on how you think? How so?" Her mind is blown by the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis, even if she doesn't have the words for it.
“*Warum? Magst du Deutsch lehrnen?” He chuckles. “I don’t know...thinking, speaking English...connects me to the people around me, the way they see the world...” He shrugs. “Maybe it’s the Beast’s desire for me to fit in.”
"...did...you just offer to teach me German? I'd learn it. Heck, teach the whole pack and we can talk about people in front of their backs. Maybe, if they don't know it, too."
“I asked ‘Why? Would you like to learn German?’ Which you answered. And sure, I could teach you. You’re right, it could be useful to all share a language that isn’t English. A little code talk. And, are lots of medical and science things still written in German? That could help Finley with her interests.”
"Zher interests." The correction is gentle. "But yeah, learning it could help."
A tiny pause. "If we end up joining. That's up to zhem."
“Did I?” He frowns. “Shit, zher.” He sighs. “If, yes. And it is. I’ll tell you the same thing I told zhem; no matter what, we’re still friends.”
"Of course we're still friends. You're one of the people who's been kindest to me, without coming off patronizing or belittling me."
“Blame it on having a physically small but socially powerful woman in my life for centuries,” he says with a little smile. “Oh, and that you absolutely deserve respect and recognition.” He thinks for a a moment. “Would you like to do my reading?”
She grins, hopping up from the couch to move to the shelf full with velvet bags--her deck collection, apparently. She seems the linger over the process of choosing which deck to use, knowing which is which without peeking into the bags. "Oh, this will be fun."
“Oh? Do I get a special...deck, or something?”
"Well, usually I just read with whatever deck I'm carrying, but I've got you here, so I can pick one that I think might suit you better." She pulls a bag off the shelf and moves back to the couch, clearing space on the coffee table so she can shuffle.
He sits quietly, watching her. “Is one card going to be enough for my past?” He asks with a small grin. “I suppose you’ve never read for someone as old as me...”
"I mean, the card that's 'past' isn't everything that's happened in your past ever, it's what's relevant to this moment. What from the past is influencing the present and future that are coming. Do you have a specific question that you want me to read into?"
“I...hmmm. No, I don’t think so. I’ll just see what the cards think of me.” He sits up a little, adopting a more somber expression.
She passes him the cards. "Cut the deck, then. We'll see what's up."
He cuts the cards, and nods.
She lays three cards out in front of herself and nods slightly before flipping the first one over. "Past: The Seven of Wands, reversed. This is actually very much a you card, turned either way. It's about protection and perseverence--though when reversed, it has a sense of being...overwhelmed, overrun, overtaken. A failure to meet the challenge before you. It's something that still weighs on you, you carry the memory of this moment in your heart and it is heavy to you."
He makes a face. “I hate when they do this, call you out perfectly.”
She flips the second card and laughs. "Oh, the hits keep coming. Your present: The Five of Coins. This card is a lot about worrying, about getting in your head about what you have and what you don't have. Like, if this was a sentence, it would be 'will it be enough?', and on the heels of the previous card, you're afraid that you're going to repeat that failure, and it's kind of driving you a little batty."
She taps the surface of the card with a fingernail. "There's something a little bit wrapped up in self-pity where this card comes into play. It's not an indicator that there is a big problem, but that you feel there's a problem, and like you're the one who has to be the one to handle it. Anxiety, really."
He sighs softly. “Fuck. No mercy for me today, huh, Tarot? Give me the third hit, then, you know you want to,” he says with a little grin, speaking directly to the cards.
And she flips the third card, and though it's upside down, Guy can see the bright red heart pierced by three swords on it. Phaedra looks sidelong at Guy for his reaction, clearly holding back laughter.
“Oh, come on, I already expected that, tell me something I don’t know!” He glares at the deck. “Phaedra, would you believe me if I told that the Tarot has been refusing to reveal anything to me for almost 300 years? That the cards always reveal the future I expected, or the path I was already going to walk?” He sighs.
"The Three of Hearts, when reversed, usually speaks to recovery from heartbreak, learning to cope. I don't tell people who pay me for readings, but it's 'get over it and move forward'. Which is, yeah, the path you're already walking. But it's an auspicious sign for that--kinda optimistic in the light of the other two cards." She grins.
He sighs. “Thank you, Tarot, for sharing your wisdom,” he says before flopping back. “I’ve been trying. Hell, I’ve been slowly succeeding...” He huffs. “It’s not something you can just let fall away...”
She tucks the cards away, and moves to curl up right beside him again, her cheek against his sleeve. "I know. I know. Well. It's not something you've got to take on alone. Yeah? You know the saying 'who watches the watchmen'? Apply it back on yourself. Who takes care of the caretaker, Guy?"
“On the tough nights I curl up with Petra and listen to the blood run through her veins until I’m at peace, pressed against her warm skin. That helps, a lot. And she talks to me about everything, and I tell her what I can. It’s good, it’s...it’s helping.”
"Good. It's very good to have someone like that. Someone who you can cling to, when it's all rough on the inside." She nods her approval.
“Yeah. And she’s...mischievous? She keeps me from wallowing; usually by catching me off guard and doing something adorable or making me have fun.” He sighs. “Does Finley help you when it’s rough on the inside?”
Phaedra nods sheepishly. "On the nights I stay over at zher haven, we spend a lot of time cuddling. I...I like a lot of people. Like, I want to ride with Sledge more, and to get to know Rena a lot better, you know? I get crushes the way some people catch colds in the winter. But Finley's important to me."
“Nothing wrong with feeling things for people. Hold onto that, it’s not something that comes easily to vampires...and nothing wrong with cuddling,” he says with a smile as he looks down to her. “People in this day and age are too averse to touching, it’s been one of the oddest things to adjust to.”
"I mean, for me, touch is a sometimes food because of my history. Especially when it comes from men who look older than me. Like...with Atalo, I'm okay if I touch him, but if he touches me without warning, it's...bad. You've always been really good with telegraphing, so that helps, on your end."
“ Rena is ‘hands only’ unless I have her permission, and I can tell she appreciates that I still offer for her hand. And the reason I adjusted to that so easily is because of Finley and zher own hesitations about touch. I want to give you all big hugs, but I know you all appreciate my reserve more...and I’m lucky, and Petra is all about touch, and Sledge doesn’t mind, so that helps.”
"I can be okay on hugs if you ask." She smiles softly. "And now that I know you're good for them, I'll be asking you more."
“Oh noooo,” he says, deadpan, holding his arms open.
And she pretty much pounces into them. As you do.
He hugs her close for as long as she wants to be there. “Is it bad if I hope to be a man in you all’s lives that helps you heal?” He asks softly.
"No, it's not bad. It's an awesome goal, and...I think you're already doing it. More than you might have realized." She relaxes against him contentedly, probably for a bit of a while.
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