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Lif plunges into water. No--she is water. Her terra-cotta skin no longer contains her. She drifts in the pool, yet is the pool. She looks up to the surface and sees the water darken, bleeding outwards to spread through the pool, through her. Dirt, oil, ink, the juices of rotting meat and fruit, feces--it all spreads until there is more filth than water remaining.
It fills her every sense. She cannot see through the murk, she can smell nothing but what is putrid, she gags at the taste, she can feel nothing but it flowing through and around her. Maggots wiggle over and insider her, feasting on the pestilence that has become her. She drifts in an abyss of her own making.
A voice echoes inside her mind. No--it is a dozen voices, all echoing together. All feminine, but all with different inflections. Some sound despairing, some angry, some kind. They blend together to create an eerie, all engulfing cacophony that rings through her mind, through her soul, through her body, through her Wyrd. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzoI-W01VJE
To be unclean is to be free.
To be free is to be unwanted.
Why do you expect them to love something so polluted?
The pool is still as Lif catches up to themself, as they feel the dirt and grime permeate the water that they are. "I never expect it. I never do expect love. I try...I try to be worthy of it, but it is for them to decide. If it's ever enough."
I think you are worthy.
There is no pollution here.
And no purity.
Only growth.
There's a ripple along the surface as Lif lets out a laugh, ink swirling darkly in the water in meaningless patterns.
"'Only growth' is impossible. In all energy exchanges, if no energy enters or leaves an isolated system, the entropy of that system increases. Energy continuously flows from being concentrated to becoming dispersed, spread out, wasted and useless. New energy cannot be created and high grade energy is being destroyed. An environment based on endless growth is unsustainable."
My roots take what they need.
Take from what is unneeded.
Your individuality is unneeded.
You could be so strong.
Don't you want to be strong?
"No! Not at that cost. I allowed myself to be made weak, to be made sick, so I could be free. That's what's more important to me. I spent a month sick, afterwards, but I'd do it again." Another rippling laugh, the skeleton of a rotten fish breaching the surface.
The waters ripple around her, turning even murkier, but there's flickers of light shining down--and shadow, as if someone were peering down into the pool that she is in, that is her.
Again?
Even if it meant you would never be strong?
Never living up to their expectations?
You would live a life of disappointment and loneliness?
Is this what you would choose to be?
"Every single time."
She tries to get a look at the face, to see through the murk and the dirt and especially the ink. "I would accept all of that, in order to be free. I know already...that perhaps I never will live up to their standards. But to be free is to strive. To get the opportunity to try. To face my failures on my own terms. Yes, I accept this all."
It's hard to make out a face--at least for more than a moment. The water distorts and warbles the image. For a split second it looks like Devon. A second later, it looks like Vorpal. Her roommate, Qadir. Another time it looks like Cypress herself, maybe... All gazing upon her in her worst, most foul state.
Very well then.
Be yourself.
Be unclean.
There's no attempt to hide the grime floating across the surface. The rotting flesh and dirt and ink and literal shit. They let whoever's watching see it all, regardless of the shame felt below.
The corruption flows into her. It's a familiar sensation--the weakness, the light-headedness, the nausea. The bone deep ache of infection. This doesn't just feel like a dream--this feels real. Just as real as the first time she gave up her health for her freedom. Her mind threatens to unravel at the thought--will I wake up like this?
"Wait," comes Cypress voice. Not echoing and ringing, now--just one desperate, panicked voice. "This isn't right. This isn't what I want!"
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