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Jack sags a little the moment they step out through the door, and he takes in a gulp of air. Like he's been holding his breath for a hell of a long time. He's also shuddering, just slightly, not noticeable except that Lux had their arm around his waist when they left.
He doesn't say anything though. Just breathes.
Lux gives a quick look around. "...I think your place is closer," they say after a moment, then start leading him down the street. "But if you need to sit down somewhere we can... find a park or bench or something."
"I'm fine." It's an automatic response, and maybe would have been believable to someone who hadn't just been there to see him cower in fear. "My place's fine."
"Okay. Just... breathe, okay? We'll get there soon." Lux leads him along, watching him to make sure he's walking alright--and if not, just calls for an Uber/Lyft.
He gets about halfway down the block before he really starts to shudder. His teeth start to chatter too, and he clamps them shut. Puts one foot in front of the other as his breathing begins to get a little more ragged.
"Okay--okay, come here." Lux quickly taps at their phone to get a car to pick them up, and in the meantime turns to pull Jack in against their chest, arms wrapping around him tightly. "I got you. I'm here."
"Don't - just - gotta get home." He stiffens in their grip, accepting the hug, but not returning it. He's gritting his teeth, his mien scattered so much it's barely there. Just a gesture drawing. The absolute bare minimum.
"We're gonna get you home, car will be here in just a few minutes, okay?" Lux squeezes, rubbing his back.
"I - don't -" He takes a tiny step back. Like he's realized he can't handle the embrace right now but doesn't know how to say it.
He does find Lux's hand and squeezes it.
Lux frowns, but lets him go, stepping back to give him space. His hand is squeezed back, while Lux looks at him with desperate worry.
He takes a deep and shuddering breath in, and grips Lux's hand like it's the only thing keeping him from falling completely apart. "...Remind me to - breathe? Please?" It's barely more than a whisper.
Their head bobs quickly. "Yeah, yeah... Um, yeah. Breathe, baby. Breathe along with me, okay? Like this--in... then out..." Lux inhales and exhales slowly, trying to lead him along to calm down.
Jack grits his teeth again and takes a few more shuddering breaths. A few very sketchy lines appear, twitch away, and return, settling into Jack's form again. "Thanks," he mutters a couple seconds later. "It's...mmmph." Words aren't his strong suit when he's this upset, apparently. "That - that the car?" He nods at one that's pulled up half a block ahead of them.
Lux continues going through the breathing exercises. They know these well, pretty familiar with panic attacks as they are.
They glance at the car and nod, keeping hold of his hand as they lead him down to it. Jack is helped into the back seat and Lux follows, making it clear to the driver that they didn't want to be spoken to. Just hurried along.
Lux turns back to Jack, squeezing his hand with both of their's as they watch worriedly.
He closes his eyes the second he's seated, leaning his head against the headrest. He squeezes Lux's hand back, not quite as desperately as before at least.
They're about two blocks away from his place when he opens his eyes again. "Here - can you let us out here? Please?" There's an edge of franticness to his voice, but he actually sounds quite calm.
Lux makes sure the driver pulls over, quickly opening the door and helping Jack out. Their lights are dim and blue-toned, and they hurry to try to get Jack inside before he completely looses his cool--even taking keys from him to open the doors.
"'M sorry," he whispers, and actually waits for the car to turn off the street before he starts to walk toward his apartment. "Them, paranoid, I -" even though, you know, the driver had his address, or close enough to it. But he does let Lux take his keys.
And once he's in his apartment he just...kinda stands there. In the middle of the living room. Staring at nothing.
"Don't--don't be sorry. It's okay."
Lux leads him over to the couch to try to sit him down, then goes onto a knee to ease off his shoes. Once they're off they climb up beside him, not touching, but watching worriedly.
"You don't have to - it's fine, I..." a smudge of charcoal blooms on Jack's cheeks. "M sorry," he says again. "Fuck, I..." He takes a shuddering breath, and drops his head into one of his hands, the other one seeking out Lux's again.
"Baby, please, you don't need to be sorry..." They lift his hand to kiss at softly, holding between both of theirs. "It's okay. I'm not going anywhere until you're okay."
Jack lets out a very humourless laugh at that. "Gonna stay forever, then?" Ah yes. Dark humor to lighten the mood.
"If that's what you need." Another soft kiss against his knuckles.
Jack winces. "Don't - don't say that, you don't...have'ta..." he trails off as his breathing gets more and more ragged. Squeezes his eyes shut against the tears that he's been pushing down since...who fucking knows how long. He pulls Lux's hand - and Lux - toward him, gripping their hand tight as his crying turns to quiet, shuddering sobs.
"Oh, babe..." Lux scoots closer, trying to pull him closer so he can lean into their chest, arms wrapping around him. Letting him cry it out into their shoulder while they rub his back. Their mantle flares, white cold light against their blue glows.
This time Jack collapses into their arms, wrapping his arms around their waist and burying his face into their shoulder. He sobs quietly, but hard, gasping out shuddering breaths and trembling as Lux rubs his back. There's a few times, where he tries to say something, but it's almost entirely unintelligible through his tears.
"I don't..." he finally whispers as he starts to calm down, very very slowly releasing his vice-like grip on Lux's waist. "Wait - is this...my shirt?" He lets out a small and surprised laugh and sits back just a little.
By the time Jack starts to calm a little, he's basically been pulled into Lux's lap, lips placing soft kisses against his temple and hair. Rocking him gently, their lights a calming hue.
They blink, caught off guard by the shirt. They look down at it, then offer a soft, sheepish smile. "Uh. Yeah."
"Looks good on you." He sniffles, and looks around the room for tissues. And finds none, so he wipes his nose on his sleeve. "I'm fuckin...sorry Lux, this was...fuck." He curls into them a little. HIs mien's come back together a little more, the charcoal faint, but moving like his normal animation does.
"Stop saying you're sorry." They kiss him softly on the lips. "Of course it looks good on me. Its yours." They trace down along his spine. "Do you... want to talk about it?"
"Uhhhhh. Would you let me say no, at this point?"
"...Yeah. I really do think we should talk about it, though."
"Yeah that was a joke. Mostly." He looks a little sheepish. "But uh...being given an order and - and having a weapon drawn on me. Being threatened like that, 's..." as he talks, he starts to tremble again.
"Oh... Oh. Baby..." They caress and cup his cheek, thumb brushing over his cheek to smear a streak of charcoal. "I'm so, so sorry."
"'S why I - I can't fight. I can't do that shit, fuckin knives make me twitchy, some days. An' it's..." he grimaces, and takes a shaky breath. "It's like hearing my fucking Uncle all over again, 'n that's -" his voice cracks. "Somehow that's worse."
Lux looks faintly nauseous, not at all sure what to reply with. What do you even say to something like that? "...You're safe right now, Jack," they finally settle on, still caressing his cheeks and petting over his hair tenderly. "He's not here. He can't hurt you."
"He's like...forty-five minutes away, and he doesn't give a fuck about me now that I'm not in front of him." Jack's laugh is humorless.
For a moment Lux seems to be very tempted to go take a forty-five minute drive. ...But doesn't, instead pulling him in for another protective hug. "I'm sure Raphael didn't mean to remind you of things like that. But I know it doesn't really... change your reaction."
"He's not fuckin' wrong about it, either, I...talking about boundaries and shit's...I'm not good at that. 'S..." he grimaces.
"I already know you're not, babe." Lux smiles softly. "But.... why?"
"I...I don't know. I'm...not used to it, I guess. I think it's...kinda always been this way."
Lux considers that a moment. "You've never been given the choice before. Never had control of your life. Before being taken you were... controlled by your Aunt and Uncle--then you were Taken. That sound about right?"
Jack squints at them. "Why're you so fuckin good at that?"
"I... have my moments, sometimes," Lux murmurs, kissing his temple. "But you do have the choice now, Jack. You need to learn how to take control of your life. Not just... keep running away from it."
"I don't...know how." He speaks slowly, but with feeling. "And I'm fucking scared."
"You don't have to... understand every thought in your head, Jack. But are there times when you... like... when you feel uncomfortable with something, and you aren't sure if you want to do it? But you do it anyway?"
He frowns. "I...maybe? I'm...does it make me sound fucking crazy to say I don't know?"
"No, it's not crazy. It's just a new thing for you. But something you need to try to work on. Please? At least try?"
"...Yeah. I'll try, I...I don't wanna fall apart like this again, it's...I don't wanna do this to you."
"Don't you think having a safe word would be... good, for these cases? Then you have an easy, no confrontational way to veto the conversation. Without having to get into why you feel that way. Until you're ready." He rubs along the back of Jack's neck. "It might be good for... when we're having sex, too. Just... in case."
"I...I just couldn't. Talk safewords and shit with...other people around. Ironically, a safeword already in place might've been nice." He huffs in mild amusement and shakes his head. "Which. My own fault. But...yeah."
"It's not your fault. Honestly... I should have talked to you about it as soon as I realized it could be a thing outside of sex." Lux grimaces. "We should have discussed that before we... did those things, too. Both of us need to get better about communicating with each other, I think."
"I want to do better. For...you." He dips his head as he's saying it. "How...d'you feel about kiwi?"
"I want you to do better for yourself. But kiwi works. Cute, non-offensive, and not likely to come up in conversations much." They kiss his cheek softly, lips quirking. "Also easily recognizable even if I you're mumbling it while I have you gagged."
The smudge on Jack's cheek goes all scribbly and he slides a hand up Lux's shirt. "When you gag me I'm not nearly as loud though. Can't have it both ways..." He actually grins.
"Hmm..." They squint in mock thought. "Good point. I do like it when you're loud. Though it's nice to hear you only able to whimper, from time to time..." They rub hands along his back. "Kiwi. Do you want the others to know?"
He takes a breath. "Not...yet. If that's...okay."
"That's fine," Lux agrees with a nod. "You're the one who has the power, when it comes to this."
Lux's agreement makes him relax into them a little more. "I don't...like having power. Always."
Lux leans back into the couch, pulling Jack over them. They smile up at him softly. "You can give power away. For a while. But that doesn't mean you really... loose it."
"Yeah I know." Jack flops onto them, tugging histheir over shirt off. "Maybe...something to explore a little more? Together? Real fucking slow."
The Bright One shifts to let Jack pull the shirt off, meeting his eyes. "If... you're sure you're okay with that..?" A beat pause. "Is there anything in particular you'd like to explore? Something you've... always been curious about, but not done? Or done much of?"
"...Can I get back to you on that? I haven't...been in a place to explore that kinda shit with a clear head in...mmph." He grimaces. "Is saying 'ever' too much of a mood killer?"
"Yeah, get back to me on it." Lux toys with his hair, smiling. "Take your time. But we're going to discuss it when you're sober."
"Well fuck - now'd be a good time then. I was uh...gonna get a beer in a sec, d'you want...?"
"If you want to talk about it now, we can. If you want some time to think it over first--that's fine too." Lux keeps their arms around him, not letting him up immediately.
"I mean I dunno what I'd say now - I'm just saying I'm sober." He kisses Lux on the nose.
Lux regards him thoughtfully, then rolls over on the couch, pressing him to the couch underneath them. Their lips press softly to his jaw. "There's nothing you've daydreamed of? Things you've fantasized, when you're alone, of me doing to you? You doing to me...?"
"Uhhhhh..." It trails off into a quiet moan. "'S really hard to think when you're...mmmph..." He slides his hands up the back of Lux's shirt.
They continue kissing and nuzzling a moment, letting him touch--but then they grip his hands to pin over his head, lips curling into a grin. "You'll just have to think real hard."
"Babe..." Jack squirms under them, getting increasingly scribbly as he does. He's grinning though, mouth half open, taking Lux in with his eyes since he can't use his hands. "I mean this's...this's good but you already know that, eh..."
"I do. It's why I'm not letting you go until you tell me at least one thing you want. One desire you want to explore." Their eyes half lid, lips curled into a wicked grin--definitely their teasing grin. "You do that, and you get whatever you want."
"Jesus, I swear you're a better Spring than me...fuck." He tries for a kiss, if Lux is close enough. "The uh...that night, we went to the theater, that...I wanna do that again. But somewhere different. Someplace you've found."
Lux, the devil they are, tilts their head back enough that their lips is just a couple inches out of reach. Lux makes a soft, pleased sound. "See? That wasn't so hard." They release his hands, then immediately dive into a deep, intense kiss.
Jack hums contentedly. "Yeah it was. Didn't hate it, though."
"I'll find the perfect place for us to fuck at. Soon," Lux murmurs, then... unless stopped, Lux is planning on leaving Jack too exhausted and satisfied to be anxious. At least for a while.
Jack actually does stop them, fairly early on. Makeouts are good, but sex is a lot after a panic attack.
Lux actually seems proud that Jack stops them--not that they were deliberately doing that to provoke that or anything, but glad that Jack was able to. They chill out, and go more into caretaker mode. Getting him a glass of water and a snack, turning on TV or a movie, and making a blanket nest on the couch for cuddling.
Jack will get a beer eventually. And try not to act too much like he's been waiting to drink it all day.
One beer.
as long as Lux is there, yes.
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