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It's late evening when Lux texts Jack: :: you coming to the hollow tonight still?
Jack:: just left the freehold, omw
Lux:: cool, meet you there
And indeed when Jack arrives, Lux is leaning back against the wall beside the fire escape, fiddling with their phone as they wait.
"Hey, you." Jack goes to tug on Lux's shirt, pulling them into a kiss. "Have a good time?" He smirks, and kisses them a second time.
"Hey." They smile as Jack steps over, letting themself be pulled into the kiss and returning it softly. "Mm... yeah. I did. Did you have a good day?"
"Stressful. Still feeling paranoid, but...I saw Tegan, in the Freehold Hollow. We had a decent talk about shit."
"Yeah?" Their brows lift. "I haven't seen them for a while. They doing okay?"
"They seemed decent. Mostly...talked about me." He laughs, uncomfortable at the realization. "I'll tell you more inside, lets..." he gestures to the Hollow, and glances around at the (presumably empty) street.
Lux does look surprised to hear that, but nods. They jump up to grab the fire escape and pull it down, then helps Jack climb up. Soon they're knocking at the door to open the Hollow and tugging Jack inside.
Jack's shift in demeanor is almost instantaneous. Between the fact that this is specifically a space where he's safe from Anna-Marie and the fact that it's so full of Lux and their personality and their art and their life and and and, he just...sags in relief, his shoulders inching down and his mien slowing its constant movement by just a bit. He pulls Lux into a deeper kiss, if they'll let him, drinking in the comfort of a place that maybe is starting to feel a little bit like home.
Lux more than lets him. Their arms wrap around him, pulling him close while they return the kiss and rub at his lower back. They pull back after a moment, kissing his cheek. "Are you okay?"
"Define 'okay'," he mutters into their shoulder, his favorite place to rest his head.
"Hm... Is there anything else wrong, beyond the general anxiety and paranoia involving work and the vampire bitch?" The kiss his temple lightly.
"...No." It takes him a minute. Like he's really thinking about it. "Or if there is I can't even tell it's there 'cause everything else is so fucking loud." Sometimes, when Jack says shit like this, it's detatched. Like he's so far removed from the situation that he isn't really feeling anything about it. Not this time, though. Whatever hellish cocktail of emotions he's feeling makes his voice a little ragged. "I just...want it to be over. I wanna...be able to deal with all the other shit in my life."
"I know, baby," Lux says softly, hand lifting to knead at the back of his neck, then up into his scalp. "I'm so sorry. I wish I could just... make it all go away."
"This...all this helps. A fucking lot. I seriously don't know what I'd do without it." He melts into their arms with a sigh. "Actually...I do know what I'd be doing." He grimaces. "Tell me about your day?"
More hair petting and kisses spread across his temple and ear. "Mm... it was..." They hesitate. "Interesting." They lead him closer to the bed, to pull down onto. "There is... kind of a lot to unpack."
"Oh?" He pulls back slightly to look at Lux, frowning in concern. "D'you...wanna talk about it?"
"Yeah. I do. If you're up for it? I'm not completely sure how you'll react." They look a bit nervous. "I guess I should start with what happened a few nights ago, first."
"I'll always listen to you talk about shit, babe." Jack drapes his legs over Lux, half sitting in their lap.
Lux smiles, arms circling his waist. "Okay... so..." They puff out a breath. "Raphael is a leechfinger, right? Like... he can touch people and drain some of their energy or life force or something. And the past few days we've been texting each other a lot--mostly just talking, but also a lot... uh... a lot of flirting. He's really fun to tease..." They puff out a breath. "Anyway... so... we were talking with a vampire at a club, and they were talking about how, like... apparently when they feed on someone, it feels really good for the person they're biting? Like they just feel... pleasure, not pain. And it got him thinking, if it was even possible to use his leeching thing on someone, without it just... being cruel and painful. I... wanted to help him. So I offered to let him test it on me. But--he kind of freaked out? Like, he really wanted it, but also was really afraid."
"...Okay..." It's pretty clear that Jack is being Very Consciously Calm about Raph. Which, you know. Probably makes sense, given the single interaction they've had. "Is that what you were doing with him today?"
"Uh--no. We did that a few nights ago." They grimace. "Mearcstapa was there too, to make sure it didn't go wrong or anything. To moderate. That's where I was at, when you called me, after you'd met with that bitch." They frown at him. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything before, but... with everything, it seemed like too much to try to unpack while you're already so overwhelmed."
"I...probably would have freaked out a little then, yeah." He reaches up to touch Lux's face. "Presumably it went...I mean at least okay, if you saw him again today?"
"Yeah. It went okay." Lux nods, then lifts their hand to show the healed remains of a shallow, tiny cut on their arm. "He, uh, cut me? Which, honestly, was kind of a mistake on my part. I told him too, because I thought that was necessary for him to do his leeching thing. Turns out, it's not, so--that isn't going to happen again, you don't have to worry about that. But... the leeching thing? Actually... feels kind of amazing. Like, it hurts, but it's a good hurt? Like... how you like me biting you." A beat pause. "Oh--and--uh... I domed him, when he did it? It... wasn't really a sexual thing, though? We both had our clothes on and stuff, and that's all we did, but... it seemed like... commanding him to do it, helped him? It took some of the guilt and pressure off of him."
"That sounds...intense." Jack glances at Lux's arm and winces before running a very gentle finger over the cut. "But...good intense, maybe?" He looks to Lux, to confirm. "Somehow it doesn't surprise me that he needed orders to help let go." There's a small smile there. "God knows I know the feeling - 'specially when it's you."
Lux searches Jack's eyes a moment, then looks relieved to not see anything negative there. "It was really good intense." They lean in to kiss him on the lips. "We've still been texting a lot, since then. He wanted to learn how to make art, so we got together and experimented with paper-cutting. Turns out he's pretty awesome at it, not too surprisingly. And uh... we... talked about doing the dom/sub thing again. And ended up trying it, today. But, you know, actually getting off, this time." They frown, glancing aside. "It... didn't go as well..."
"Oh no..." Jack's mirroring Lux's emotions, at this point, and caresses their cheek again with a frown. "What happened?"
"It... was going really well, at first?" Lux tilts their head into his hand. "I was, uh... ordering him to use toys on himself. And he seemed to enjoy it, but I got... too forceful with him and I think it... scared him. Which freaked me out..."
"Oh, babe." Jack leans to give them a soft kiss. "Were you both able to talk about it afterwards?"
"Yeah... We're okay and all. Just... he feels guilty for making me feel bad, and I feel bad for freaking him out... Just a cycle of guilt and weirdness now." They shrug.
"So...the same thing that you and I still haven't completely gotten away from." Jack's smile is a little self deprecating.
Lux grimaces again, eyes closing. "...Yeah. You'd... think I'd have learned my lesson... I need to get better at controlling myself."
"Hey." Jack sits up, kneeling next to Lux, gently stroking their cheek. "You stopped, right? When Raph...I'm just gonna assume he used a safeword, or when you saw that he was getting freaked out, you stopped?"
Their eyes half open, frowning deeply. "Yeah... when I saw he clearly wasn't enjoying it, I stopped."
"Babe that's...what control is. Honestly. You don't...you can't plan for everything, you can't always know where boundaries are. Tegan, earlier...they said something like 'most people don't know their boundaries until they run into them' which...makes a lotta sense and gave me a lot to think about about myself, but...you did exactly what you were supposed to. You absolutely controlled yourself, and your desire. Mkay?"
Lux is quiet for a long moment, mulling that over with a thoughtful frown. "...I guess so, yeah..." They sigh, then bury their face into Jack's shoulder. "Thank you. I was afraid you'd freak out or something... Though me and Raph talked about, um, feelings and stuff, too. And agreed we'd just be friends. Erm... fuck buddies? Like... I don't know how that will change, in the future. But right now... you and Mearcstapa are who I need to focus on."
Jack wraps his arms around them, and gently rubs their back. "I'm not gonna freak out, and I'm going anywhere. I mean it. I don't...I don't want to. I..." He sighs. "It...is it bad for me to say I'm a little glad, that you and Raph aren't gonna be dating, right now? I think I'd...feel a little left out of the triangle, even if I don't actually think I wanna be involved with him or Mearc, right now. But I'd figure it out, if you change your mind. I just...sometimes I want you all to myself. And that scares me." Jesus, Jack. Three wants and two feelings? All at once?
Lux watches him for a moment, then squeeze him tighter--a notably possessive hold. "No... It's not bad. I don't think it's bad at all. I've been kind of worried about that. You feeling left out. Cause I never want you to think I'm not... focused on you. You're my Jack." They lean in to kiss him softly on the lips. "Mm... I want you all to myself, too. All the time."
"You got me, babe." Jack's voice is quiet, and his lips brush against Lux's. "And I'm sorry you've been afraid of losing control, that's...scary in a different way. For you, I mean. I'm not scared of you." He smiles, and runs gentle fingers down the back of Lux's neck.
Their eyes search his for a second or two, brows knitting. "You really aren't? Even after... seeing me like that?"
"Nope." He seems absolutely sincere. "I was worried I had done something wrong, something that you didn't like. But I'm not afraid of that part of you. Have you..." he frowns just slightly as he considers his words. "Some sort of predetermined aftercare...for you...might be something worth thinking about. Especially when scenes get really intense, or go weird, or...or if you just feel scared afterwards. And not even just the sexual shit, I mean even like what you did with Raph first. Some way to ground yourself, after."
"You didn't do anything wrong. I just... I didn't think you'd ever... really want that part of me. And you said yourself you wouldn't have done it, if you hadn't been drinking..." They look aside, frowning. "That... might be a good idea, maybe. But I don't know... if I should even ever let that part of me out. I just keep fucking things up."
"Better to do it safely, with people who you know and trust, right? Doesn't seem like the kinda thing you're gonna be able to hold back forever. 'Cause it's a part of you. Like my...issues with weapons and orders at the wrong time's a part of me."
"I guess," Lux murmurs, leaning forward to rest their chin on his shoulder, head tipping against his as they cling to him.
Jack squeezes him tight. "D'you...wanna talk about why it freaks you out so much? I can put some shit together, but...I'm not gonna pry if you don't want me to. But...just getting it all out there might help." A beat. "I say, as if I'm any good that that." He grins and kisses the side of their head.
Lux doesn't say anything at first. Just holds him like Jack is some giant teddy bear, face hidden from view. When they finally speak again, their voice is whisper soft, trembling faintly. "I... I did... horrible things..."
"You're not There, anymore." Jack strokes Lux's hair. "You're here."
"No--but that's..." Lux shakes their head and pulls back, face strained. "That's the thing--she's still here." They touch their chest, where the scar is under their shirt. "She's the Viridian Beacan. She... put a piece of her light inside me. I... I used it to... reprogram people. To make them into... what she wanted them to be. I tried to burn it out but it's always there... It's always a part of me. I always feel... that yearning to twist people's minds into what I want them to be. And I don't know anymore. I don't know if it's me or if it's her." Their eyes well up with tears, spilling over their cheeks.
"And I hate myself because I hate her." Their eyes squeeze shut. "I don't want to be like this. I try not to be like this. But it's so exhausting to always be pretending."
Jack listens, frowning in concern, and reaches out to wipe the tears away. "You are not her. You're compassionate, and you feel so fucking deeply...and you care. You wouldn't be so upset if you didn't fucking care so much. About Raph, Mearcstapa, me...about fucking helping people. That shit's all you." His voice is quiet, but intense. "And thinking shit? Feeling shit? Doesn't mean anything. 'S what you do, that matters. And so far, what you've done is fucking care. And that's the important shit."
Their head shakes slowly, fingers curling to grip tightly to Jack's shirt. "B-but... I... I pushed you. Into being the face of the strike. I pushed you to doing that interview. If... you hadn't done that, that bitch wouldn't have known about you. You wouldn't be so... stressed and scared. I thought I knew what was best for you. I thought I knew what was best for Raphael and I pushed him too much--I always do this. I see people as... as projects. Things I can mold and shape. That's what she made me do. That's what They do."
There's a bit of silence. "...How long have you been back?"
They look down at their hands, still gripped tightly to Jack's shirt. "U-um... like... four months now?"
Jack gathers them back up into his arms again, and squeezes tight. "Shit babe, that's no time at all. Unlearning everything...remembering how to live, Ironside, that takes a hell of a lot of time. But whatever She made you - you're already pushing back. Hard. I can see that, even if you can't."
Lux lets him pull them back in, shoulders hunching to bury their face into his shoulder. They shake a little, tears staining through his shirt. They don't say anything for a while--but accept the comfort, venting some of their emotions through crying. Their lights dim.
"It's not gonna happen all at once. But you know what you wanna do, and you know what you wanna be. Hell, you're ahead of me there, and I've been back for going on three years." His voice is gentle, and he punctuates his words with soft kisses to Lux's head. After a bit, he stops talking and just holds them, rubbing their back, letting them cry it out.
Their breathing is ragged, and Jack has a sizeable wet stain on his shirt by the time they start to calm. Their light pales more until it's a faint off-white. Finally they manage to calm enough to force themself to take slow, deeper breaths to reign in their composure. But they don't move--just slump down more until they're curled up with their head resting on Jack's lap, eyes still wet and a bit puffy. "Sorry. I'm... supposed to be taking care of you..."
Jack pets their hair. "We all gotta take care of each other, babe. 'S how this shit works, or something. And you being with me? Here? That's taking care of me, too."
Their arms coil around one of Jack's legs loosely, blinking away tears before looking up at him. They look exhausted, but Jack's fingers over their scalp seems to be soothing them. "It's... been kind of nice. Knowing that I'm coming here with you, ever night..."
"'S the highlight of my fucking day, at this point." Jack leans down to give them a gentle kiss. "Even if the shower drips weird goo sometimes. Not all that different from mine." He chuckles.
That makes them snort softly, lips twitching upwards just a bit. "I... like it here." They're quiet a moment. "I do miss Mearcstapa, though. I... don't know if I could stay here every night. But..." They look up at him hesitantly. "We could stay here, like this. Even when that bitch is dead. Sometimes. If... you wanted."
"Even just...these past few days have been better than I ever could've hoped. It'd be...yeah I'd...I'd like to stay here sometimes when the world isn't trying to fuck us over. More'n usual."
"I'm really glad to hear that. I just... I really just want to make you happy, Jack." Their eyes close, nuzzling against his thigh. "This can be... like... our get away place. To just be together, you and me. People might visit, but--it can be ours? I can even try to make it bigger or... whatever you want to change, if you want."
With their eyes closed, they don't see Jack's scribbly blush. "Only if...that's something you want, too. I don't want Mearc to feel...left out, or anything."
"As much as I adore Mearcstapa... I don't think we could ever... cohabitate?" Cause they're not saying move in together. That's totally not what this is, right? NOPE. NOT AT ALL. "And I think he would understand that. There's going to be nights that I want to spend with him, though." Their eyes open slowly, frowning. "Assuming we're still... together for much longer..."
"Is that...a possibility?" Jack's frowning, too, concerned, his blush entirely gone.
They look away, fingers curling into his thigh again. "He's starting to remember me. Who I was, what I did--what I did to him. There. I... need to tell him the truth. But I'm scared."
"...Oh." Jack runs a thumb over the back of Lux's hand. "That...feels like something that better happen sooner than later, yeah?"
"Yeah..." They swallow. "I'm going to try to do that tomorrow, I think..." They curl up tighter around him, looking nauseous.
"Would it help...to offer myself as a reward at the end? No matter how it goes? 'Cause I don't get the feeling you're gonna want a moderator - and especially not if it's me."
"No. This is something we need to handle just us." Their eyes close again. "I don't know. I don't want to make plans, right now. If he doesn't end up hating me, I might just... need to stay there tomorrow night. If that's okay? ...Though... if he doesn't want me around... yeah. I'll... need you. Please."
"Whatever you need, babe." Jack leans down to kiss their forehead, and pulls them closer. "You've got every right to be fucking terrified. But I think...I think Mearcstapa is the type to understand. That over here and Over There are different places, and that...no matter what happened, all of us are different, now. Yeah?"
"...I hope so," they mumble, exhaling a heavy breath. But they're clearly still worried and scared. "Can I spoon you? I want to hold you."
"Absolutely." Jack starts to slide down, and grimaces. "You mind if I take my pants off first? And like...get into pajamas?"
"Oh--yeah, sure..." They look down at their own clothes, then roll onto their back to push their jeans down and kick off onto the floor. Leaving the tank top on otherwise. Seems about all they care to do.
Jack's jeans and shirt get thrown in the general direction of his bag, which he eyes for a second before apparently discarding the notion of real pajamas and climbing back into bed. He snuggles up to Lux, reaching behind him to pull them closer with a quiet sigh. "We might wanna...get laundry baskets or something. If staying here's gonna keep being a Thing."
Lux pulls him in tight, burying their face into the back of his neck/shoulder to nuzzle in. "Mmm... Probably... a good idea. We can get more stuff to fill it up, make it more comfortable... Or I can hedgespin some stuff..."
"We'll figure it out - prob'ly a combination of both'll be good. 'Cause you still gotta have your studio space, too..."
"Mm... yeah. I do like painting here. It helps me get inspired. Just... tune everything else out..." They kiss softly along the side of his neck. "But I want you to be comfortable too."
Jack hums, and shivers at the neck kisses. "Don't think I've ever been more comfortable, than like this."
That brings a small smile to their lips, eyes closing as their arms settle around him. "Mm... Good."
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