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It's a Saturday, and Mearcstapa is...restless. He's doing this thing where he'll sit down to do something, only manage to do the thing for a couple minutes, and walk off to find another thing to do. Like reading a book. Or getting ahead on his next break-in for work. Or cleaning the kitchen. It's really kind of distracting.
Normally on a Saturday like this, he'd spend the afternoon playing some video game for a few hours. And Jack and Lux would spend the afternoon distracting Mearc from playing, of course.
Jack is packing. The kitchen today - or, well, the bits of the kitchen he can manage to put into boxes while dancing around Mearcstapa. It was fine, while Mearc was in the kitchen, then in his office, though Jack did poke his head around the kitchen door a few times curiously, noting his boyfriend's restlessness.
But now they're both in the kitchen, and Jack's almost tripped over the stepstool twice, and finally he reaches out to catch Mearc around the waist.
"What's going on, babe?" He plants a soft kiss just in front of Mearcstapa's ear, brushing his hair back from his face as he does.
"Mmrgh." Articulate, Mearc. But he turns to face Jack. "Hey, babe. Need any help with the packing? Put me to work."
"You gonna actually help, or wander off after a few minutes?" Jack asks it as kindly as he can, no trace of sarcasm in his voice. "You're restless. 'S it just the move, or something else?"
"Both? Both. All of the above. Everything." Mearc shrugs. "It's a lot of things. Thoughts, feelings. I dunno."
Can you grab the last of the mugs...?" Jack gestures. "And talk to me - what about the move? Or...any of the other thoughts, if they're easier to pick apart."
"Just...full-time living with other people is a thing, and it's been a thing already with you and Lux, and I like the other people we've talked about for our motley, but I worry about not getting me-time and me-space in the way I need it sometimes. My inner introvert's being an asshole." He grabs the mugs, looking at one of them thoughtfully. "We should get some mugs that aren't just security-related for everyone."
"Most of mine are from lighting and sound companies..." And then of course there's the one with the rainbow iatse bug that Jack brought to Mearc's apartment when he moved in.
"Besides your own bedroom...office...however you set it up, how can we make sure you get the space you need? 'Cause living on top of each other like we have been's been a Thing for all of us, I think. More space should help. I think. But...I don't expect all of us to have to do everything together all the time, y'know?"
"I still haven't decided how I'm setting it up, what it'll be. Mm. Speaking of, I showed Alex the house yesterday, mentioned the basement. Did her a good cuddle, that was definitely nice. She needs more cuddles in her life."
"What'd she think about the basement?" Jack stands after lovingly wrapping his favorite mug in paper and putting it in the box with the rest. "Hope she comes over to cuddle even if she doesn't end up motley-ing with us." Motley-ing's a word, right?
there's a beat.
"Didn't answer my question, about how me and Lux can help, though." He gives Mearc a smile.
"I don't know if that question has an answer, honestly. Not yet, at least. I think on some level I feel like I'm being a pain in the ass, with my needs?"
"Of course you're not being a pain in the ass. C'mere." Jack holds an arm out, offering a hug. "'S better we figure out all this shit now, before we've been living in one place for a while and all of us are stressed and resentful and don't really know why, right? The point of this is to figure out how to live together - and that includes figuring out how to have alone time. We all need it, and I know you need it more'n Lux and me. You need it, and that's fine."
"I'm already stressed, and I don't really know why. I mean, besides the Freehold having a problem I can't do much to help with. And everything with Glitch that feels unsettled. And how out of place I felt at the Shabbat service last night. And the move and everything with getting the house ready for it. You know, nothing too big." He laughs, mostly at himself, as he takes the hug.
"Oh, you know. No reason for you to be stressed. None of those things is even a little bit stressful, nope..." Jack squeezes him with a quiet chuckle and starts to gently rub his back. "What's unsettled with Glitch, still?"
"Nothing specific. Just. Nothing is settled in specific. Okay, he doesn't hate me for killing him Over There. I feel like there's a 'now what?' that's gone unanswered."
"What d'you wanna do for you about it? Like..." Jack brushes Mearc's hair away from his face again before running a thumb gently against his lower lip. "I don't know if the realization made you Wyrder, or if the Wyrd made you realize, but...feels like more than just a little unfinished business."
"I don't know. Alex says I should play Minesweeper or games that don't have NPCs like that."
This may seem like a large conversational leap, but it's not that huge, really.
"NPCs like..." Jack frowns slightly, two little lines sketching in vertically between his eyebrows. "In some sorta fucked up game, Over There?"
"Mmm. NPCs who were very real people, Over There, you know?" Mearc reaches up to rub at those wrinkles, as if his touch could erase them.
"'Course they were, yeah..." Jack grimaces at the thought, but can't keep back a smile when Mearc touches his forehead. "Alex might be right, then. What about that one you showed me ages ago...? The puzzle one?"
There's a beat.
"Or...if you wanted to play something else, not do it alone. Find someone to ground you, if it starts feeling too much like Over There."
"That...might be a good idea. I've tried playing on my own a couple times, and it never goes well." He lets out a soft, shaky laugh.
"Oh babe..." Jack pulls back to look at him, concerned again. "What happens?"
"I keep seeing the NPCs as people. Very real people out to get me, and I can let them, or I can kill them and neither feels good."
"No, that's...yeah I'd think it feels pretty fucking awful. Can't turn your brain off with it, 'f you're in fight or flight a hundred percent of the time. Have you...asked Glitch if it's something he'd had to deal with? Don't know if you'll need the same coping strategies, but...might be worth seeing."
"I haven't asked him. I know he plays a lot of games, though. We talked about it, during everything that was going on with Robin. When I was on the Shrouded Guard." He pauses. "But I don't know if he's been good on them since we dreamed together."
"Might be worth asking, if you can face talking to him again. 'S a hell of a lot to try to deal with on your own - and especially right now, yeah?" Jack rubs Mearc's back, his voice a low murmur. "You got a hell of a lot on your plate."
"Oh, it's hardly anything compared to when we were dealing with Robin." Mearc shrugs slightly.
Jack raises his eyebrows. "Doesn't mean you don't gotta take time to deal with it though. Like...'s not saying fuckin' anything, that you're not as stressed as then. You were stretched to the breaking point - and so were we, 'cause of it. Just 'cause it's less doesn't mean it's not worth looking at, instead of pushing it away."
He sighs, moving to the fridge to pull out a bottle of Cheerwine for himself. "You want anything while I'm in here?"
"...You sound like me, lionheart," Jack says with a bitter sort of laugh. "I'll take one'a the cherry lime ones...?"
"I'm serious though. None'a that shit's gonna go away just 'cause you will it to. 'S not how it works, it'll do the opposite 'til something boils over. Or 'til you overwork yourself to the point of Clarity damage."
"Mmm. The move will be a stressor until it's done, and then we'll be settled in and it won't be so bad." He passes the cherry-lime soda to Jack with a smirk. "And the Freehold's going to be fine without me on the Hedge issues or diplomacy. I'd just make a mess trying to get involved. That's just a matter of trying to convince my me that I'm not...slacking."
"Feelings of worth centered entirely around usefulness? In your you?" Jack raises his eyebrows with a grin and twists open the cap on the soda. "The Freehold is going to be fine without you, you're doing them a service by focusing your attention elsewhere. And between the move, and dealing with the Wyrd and Glitch, you're doing a lot. Not slacking doesn't look like that even a little bit."
Mearc's response is a clear imitation of a 'shocked pikachu face', before he laughs. "Right, more likely than I think."
"Very much," Jack nods, charcoal lines dancing around him as he laughs.
He's still smiling at Mearc as he takes a sip of his soda.
"The Shabbat service 's mixing into all this, too?" A gently prodding question.
"Mm. Just...anxiety. I don't believe in God, but I believe in Judaism, and is that enough? I don't really know how to talk about that with a rabbi or with anyone else. Maybe I'll break that down with Aaron or Ziv or someone at some point. Probably not, though, that's hard."
"I mean...it sounds like the kind of thing Aaron'd be up for chatting about. What's hard about it? Or is it just...anxiety about talking to a religious leader about not believing in God?"
"A lot of that, yeah. Plus something about trying to actually unpack what I went through in front of a mage when most of them seem very happy to be exactly what they are and to have gone through exactly what they have? Have you ever met a truly discontent mage?"
"I...haven't met a lotta mages, I don't think. And definitely haven't talked to any of 'em much about what it means to be one. But..." Jack sips his soda, looking thoughtful. "Aaron's been a rabbi for a lot longer than he's been a mage, right? I...don't think he's the type to try to compare his experiences with yours. Literally his job to help you with shit like doubt and struggling with your beliefs, yeah?"
"It's not my beliefs I'm struggling with. That part's what it is. It's...connecting to the community and feeling like part of it, after so long away."
"...Sounds like something that's part of his job description, too, babe." Jack leans in to give Mearc a soft kiss. "And, you've got the benefit of knowing you can tell him everything. You don't gotta hide why you were gone, like you'd have to with someone mundane. I don't know him that well, but...he's a good guy. You could probably ask him to talk about it as a friend, even. No official business, just...two friends talking about their community."
"Probably. I probably should." He finishes his soda and spins the bottle on the table, fiddling with it idly.
Jack eyes him and puts his soda down. "...You saying that just to get me to back off? 'Cause I will, but...I can also hold you to it. 'Cause it's an anxiety that might be pretty easily resolved."
"Hold me to talking to someone--not necessarily Aaron?"
"Doesn't have to be him. But yeah. Talk to someone about it. Probably someone Jewish, but I'm sure there's a lotta other Lost who've got overlapping experiences, wanting to step back into a community they got ripped away from."
"Mm, that's a thing, it wasn't exactly a community I was 'ripped away from'. Like a lot of American Jewish families, we stopped going to synagogue besides high holidays after my Bar Mitzvah."
"...Ah." Jack nods his understanding, and runs a distracted hand through his hair. "Definitely someone Jewish then, yeah?" There's a moment's pause, and Jack lets out a breath. "Do you think you'd be wanting to reconnect like this if you hadn't been Taken?"
"That if is impossible for me to even begin to process. I'd be fifty-five now, if I hadn't been Taken, you know?"
"Yeah. Something you wanna try and unpack, or d'you feel like the why you wanna reconnect doesn't matter as much?"
"The why does matter, but. The framework of the question you asked was sort of impossible to process. I can't imagine who I'd be now, if I weren't taken. Too much time to account for. It's part of why I've never even looked to see if I have a fetch."
Jack nods again, this time more slowly. "You're here, now, and that's what matters, mm? Why...are you looking to reconnect with that part of your life, then?" His voice is gentle.
Mearc sits back in his chair for a moment. "I mean, the big obvious part is for the community, but...how to put this into words that make sense? Structure and marking time?"
"Having a structure outside of your own self and motivations, you mean? Makes sense to me. No matter what happens in the rest of your life, you've got services and holidays and all that. Yeah?"
"Yeah. The world could be going to hell, but Friday night there'll still be a Shabbat service. Saturday, a Havdalah. High Holidays in the Fall, and Passover in the Spring. It's...I like rituals, I know that sounds weird without the God piece. But I like having rituals and...goalposts in time?"
"I don't think it sounds weird at all, honestly." Jack reaches out to run his hand down Mearc's arm. "All of that stuff - I mean you gotta motivate yourself to go, but you're not alone in making those rituals and structure. Makes sense to me. The theory, at least - I don't know how I'd do going to any sort of religious service, even if it gave me the structure I could probably use in my life."
"Don't worry, I'm not planning on asking you to come to synagogue with me for Rosh Hashanah. Might ask you to help me break the fast after Yom Kippur, though. But that's pretty easy."
"...Someday I'd like to. I think. Go with you to synagogue. Maybe." Jack's mien gets a little flickery. "Feels like something I should do, like...I dunno." He's quiet for a moment, thinking about what he wants to say. "I wanna support you, in this. I just gotta lot of my own shit to deal with, and I don't wanna end up making you have to take care of me 'cause I had a fuckin' panic attack, you know?"
"We could pick a smaller service. Havdalah, instead of Shabbat, maybe? That's the Saturday night service, the end of Shabbat, basically transitioning back into the rest of the week again."
"Hmm." Jack leans into Mearc a little, his mien still flickering. "Could try that, yeah. Would -" He pauses, and looks at the other Darkling. "Is that like...okay, with you? For me to go with you, to...anything like that?"
"Of course it's okay. Everyone's welcome to show up at services. I, uh...it'd be really nice to have you with me, honestly?"
"Yeah?" A smile sketches across Jack's face, equal parts hopeful and nervous. "Maybe...next weekend, or something. 'F I don't got a show."
Mearc grins. "Sounds like a plan. Kol Tzedek, I assume?"
"I...I mean wherever you plan on going?" Jack shrugs. "Just along for the ride, you know."
Mearc leans in close to Jack, beckoning with a single finger and a smirk for him to lean in as well.
A scribble drifts across Jack's face as he realizes what he's actually said, and he leans in, running a light hand up Mearc's arm and resting it on the back of his neck. "Mmm?"
And there's a very long, thorough, slow kiss that occurs.
Both of Jack's hands slide into Mearc's hair, and Jack himself slides into Mearc's lap, if he's not stopped. "I love you," he murmurs, his smile warm.
Why would Mearc stop that? Naw, he holds onto Jack, one hand sliding slowly up his thigh.
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