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Ella had rented out an office space after hours to make it easy on @Vincent/Thespis/Edward-ET since he has a very specific schedule and needs to keep to it. It's pretty much your most normal of offices with the exception that, during the night time, it feels a little less "work required". She had gone somewhat out of her way to invite common pleasant scents into the room where she sat in a chair in a fairly street stylish clothing. Well with the exception of no red boots as it wasn't raining in Philly at the moment.
Vincent was casual tonight, which for him was jeans and Breaking Benjamin shirt. He looked around the place, a tad unsure he was doing this but another part of him screaming at himself to talk to someone. "hey." he gave a slight wave to Ella, "So. . .how does this work?" he asked sitting down
Ella offers a compassionate smile which is followed by words ringing as sweet as honey "We start however you like to start. This isn't about me, it's about you, what you're going through, and why you feel the way you feel. So in short there is no real right or wrong way to get started."
"Well," he leans back on the chair, "I guess I've recognized something about myself," he starts with, "I guess. . .I'm a sex addict." he shrugs, "And being a vampire is not helping it at all."
"A sex addict. Why do you believe that? Pleasures of the flesh tend to be natural, albeit often criticized due to current moral views."
he thinks, "Because I use it as both a way to forget my problems as well as self validation." he says after a minute or two, "I want to have sex to feel wanted, to feel like I'm not a loser, if someone has sex with me, my mind goes 'see, your worth something'." he says, "And the more attractive the person is, the more my worth, it's a shitty way of thinking."
"Alright, but why sex specifically? There are many other ways to obtain the desire to feel wanted without having to perform sex. For example: being there when someone needs you most, listening to someone else's problems without interrupting them or trying to fix them this one I'm mentioning here is actually important because sometimes people really just want to vent their frustrations or issues and hear someone reply with "Wow, that really sucks. I'm sorry" or something akin to that. If you try to help keep other people motivated it shows you have a positive interest in their life and they'll want that positivity around more often."
he thinks, "Because I'm a selfish bastard who wants to feel good while doing it?" he thinks aloud, "Like, first time I did it-" he blinks, "Fuck, why the hell am I sharing," he breaths, "I was like, what fifteen, girl like a year or two older than me dragged to the bathroom and it just happened, turned out her boyfriend was outside and she wanted to play head games with him but she said 'your good, I needed that', sure I got my face rearranged afterwards but-"
He stops and tries to think, "My old man always took time to remind me how much I didn't matter, I was an accident and the only reason I'm here is my mom's folks refused to allow her to lose me," he stops for a second, as if realizing what the hell he just said, "I'm the reason he had to drop out of college, I'm the reason he had to put a ring on mom, the reason he drank himself to a stupor and used, ignoring the fact he was a drug fiend before I came along," his fists clenched, "I ran away with my sister at fourteen, so the first fourteen years of my life where dodging bottles and making sure Alice didn't get any of the brunt of mom and dad's bullshit. . ." he face palms, "Fuck me." he mutters
"It sounds like in a sea of negative experiences you had a single, semi positive one. Someone told you "you're good, I needed that". Whether or not this was true doesn't really matter. It was a statement that you had been longing to hear for awhile. Perhaps not exactly like that but it was something positive and you needed that. Parents are human, they make mistakes, they can be immature, they don't know everything as much as they might wish they did, they can be cruel, they can be kind, they can be compassionate, and they can be indifferent. To me, it sounds like your father was the kind of person who needed an escape because he realized that the result of his failures was truly his own. So he did what some people do and that's imposing his own inferiorities on you. Leaving that kind of environment was a healthy and wise choice, especially considering your age."
"Yeah, you can say that." he nods, "So yeah, I guess sex started to equal validation for me then." he breathes, "But I'm in a relationship now with two amazing partners, we agreed to poly and that I can have sex related to feeding but need to talk if I want to continue with the person, I had sex with a friend I was feeding off of, we asked my partner if we could be friends with benefits and they said no." he pauses, "I don't know why, but I was upset with that, upset because they where my friend but also upset with myself because of the situation that lead to it."
"I made a deal with someone my partner hates, they taught me an ability of the Blood and since humans can't sustain them, that I would act as their blood bag." he leans back, "I am attracted to this woman, it's not emotional, it's lust, I told my partner about the feeding and they where angry but said I can continue feeding them. . .but the Kiss, it brings arousal and ecstasy, I admit I've groped her during it, felt her up, but never had sex with her. . .then she became bound to me," he looks at Ella
"She drank from my blood and eventually it bound us togehter, she's mystically infatuated with me and asked me, to my face, to fuck her. . .I refused, but feeling bad made out with her." he leans back to the chair, "My friend is their partner, one night after teaching me to fight, I needed blood and they offered theirs, I fed from her and this other vampire fed from me as I did so, after it finished the vampire left and me and this friend fucked like animals." he sighs, "Vinny Drake fucked up again."
"My knowledge of vampire society isn't as high as I would like, though from the sounds of it this mystical feeding session that you . . . is it Titania? I mean the names aren't really important however if it is her, that significantly complicates things due to the fact that she is trying to reestablish her humanity and going through mystical compulsions of lust for other people is going to, most likely, cause a significant setback towards this end goal. I can only offer my opinion on the matter and it's something that you can feel free to completely ignore. What you are currently doing is very unhealthy for you, your partners, and Titania. If I were in your shoes I would attempt to break it off, the sooner the better. Lust is something that can be quelled but by the sounds of it, the more you two feed off each other the stronger the bond will become. If that's the case it could reach a point where your concern for your current partners is not as much of a priority anymore. Does that sound fair to you?"
he nods, "It does," he agrees, "It was a horrible deal and I made it in my first few weeks among the undead, I've held on this long afraid of going against my word but now. . .this showed me that I'm equating feeding to sex now and I need to stop now before I do something with Titania that not only we'll both regret but will burn my actual romantic relationships." he sighs, "My concern is if she'll let me stop." he admits, "but on a deeper level. . .I guess I was trying to self sabatouge." he says, finally bringing voice to a thought in his mind, "As much as I shower them with affection, their's still apart of me saying, 'Vincent, stop, you don't deserve to be happy and you'll only hurt them later on'."
"Titania, while still hurting and trying to regain her human side once more, is not illogical. I don't know the wording of your oath or even if it has any mystical compulsions; however, I do know that there are people that Titania treasures dearly, and if she were to fully realize the extent to which this could affect that relationship, well, she might be more willing to end it."
-She pauses and inhales a moment-
"Do you really believe that you don't deserve happiness in this world or are those memories of things your father said that you haven't been able to let go yet?"
he sighs, "My father casts a large shadow," he finally says, "Everything I've done, surviving on my own, becoming a con artist, and everything I've done as a vampire, joining the Invictus, gaining slow influence in the criminal underworld, has been a giant show of me proving I'm somebody who matters. . .but the real proof is the love I see in Avery and Maria as well as the wonderful person Alice has become and their's apart of me that still listens to Nick Drake, that I'm a worthless piece of shit who will only hurt them."
"Ironically answers to questions that we ask ourselves are inside our head all along. So I'll ask you two. Are you Nick Drake? Do you want to hurt Avery or Maria?"
"I'd rather sacrifice myself than see them cry." he says, "I'd die for them."
"That's a selfish answer and it's very important that you realize that. For if they care about you in any sort of romantic way, your death would make them cry."
he thinks on that, "I. . .I guess," he leans back, "I don't want them to be sad ever, but with our combined baggage I guess that's impossible." he thinks, "Maria is positive she's going to die soon, demon cult mafia shit, and we're trying to save her soul and free her from her family, we've made some allies that can help us. ..one of them being the friend who I mentioned, but deep down I'm afraid, I'm afraid of what will happen if we fail and she dies, we've just started this and I'm not ready to lose her, I never will."
"Then it sounds like right now that the people who've been keeping a light on for you in their hearts need you to turn around and keep a light on for them. It's time that you be the positive one, the reliable one, the one who'll do what ever is in his power to make certain those events don't come to pass."
those words hit him, his eyes widen and a determined look forms across his face, "I need to evolve," he finally says, "I need to grow the fuck up and finally admit to myself that my past doesn't define me, my sexual exploits don't validate me and I need to support my partners." he breathes, "I'm cutting the deal with Titania, no more feeding sessions, If I need to I'm not feeding from people other than my partners again, I see the Kiss akin to sex and it just leads me to it, I'm not drinking whoever comes along anymore."
"If you believe that to be the path that you must walk in order to become the best version of yourself not only for you but for the people you cherish, then that is the path that you must walk down. The path of devotion is a great labor. Don't ever mar it."
he stands up, "Thank you, I needed this, a talk with someone who cares about people and has no pre-existing opinions of me," he thinks, "Um, this might sound wierd, can you be my therapist?"
"I'm afraid I lack the credentials to be a proper therapist, I can be an anchor however. Someone who listens to you and offers advice."
"That would be appreciated." he nods heading to the door, "People don't expect me to last the year, I know that. . I'm going to prove them all wrong." he says before walking out the door
"I think if they don't expect you to last a year, it's about time you shoot for at least 20." -She says with a smile as she watches him leave
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