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As Lux and Mearc arrive at Mearc's apartment from the bar, Mearc double-locks the door on the way in, before taking his shoes off. "Home sweet home, I guess."
Almost immediately after leaving the bar, Lux's lights had dimmed considerably. They looked exhausted, as if the effort put into keeping them bright up until then had been very draining.
They slip into Mearc's apartment, nudging their shows off by the door. "Thanks. Sorry you didn't get to celebrate more."
"I wasn't at the bar for the purpose of celebration." He shakes his head slightly. "It was about decompression, more, for me. And making sure everyone else was doing alright after all that tension. And to be near you. Speaking of, you should drink more water. And probably have more to eat, too. There's sandwich fixings in my fridge, if you want something like that."
They shrug off their hoodie to toss aside onto the couch before collapsing onto it, curling up against the arm of the chair. "Okay," they reply without any attempt at arguing. "Water and a sandwich is fine."
"I'll make the sandwich for you, then." He walks over to kiss the top of their head gently, before vanishing into the kitchen.
They draw their legs up to their chest to hug, resting their chin on their knees as they stare through the kitchen door. Their lights are a dim soft blue, which brings out the cold white glow of their mantle, expression just kind of... apathetic and blank. Tired.
It's a few minutes later that Mearcstapa returns; sadly no Brownie's Boon here to make that faster. The sandwich he brings is a big roast beef sammich with provolone cheese and tomatoes and lettuce all on sourdough bread, and beside the water, there's also a big glasss of milk. "Here you go. Next time, silly, make sure you eat before a protest."
"Thanks." They lift their head enough to take the sandwich and start half-heartedly nibbling at it. "Sorry. Was up all night doing the mural, then when it was done I crashed until right before the protest..."
Mearc sits on the floor beside Lux's feet, resting lightly against their calf, while not interfering with the sammich eating. "Is it just exhaustion and worry, or is there something else going on with you? You seem...a little off-kilter."
Lux stares down at the sandwich in their hands, chewing slowly then swallowing. "Stopped running, last night. It... all caught up."
"Okay. Are you alright to talk about it, and would that help, or should I kugel myself and let you have some peace and quiet?" His voice is soft and gentle.
They take a couple more bites as they think that over, brows knitting. Then they shake their head. "No. It's... I dunno. I probably should try talking about it." But they're clearly not comfortable with the idea. "I at least need to talk to you about... part of it."
"Okay. When you're ready, I am here to listen." Mearc nods, looking up into their eyes quietly.
Lux forces themself to finish eating the sandwich first. Because if they don't do it now it probably isn't going to happen. After several minutes they brush crumbs off their legs, looking at the floor beside Mearc rather than at him. "Mmrnnn... Well... so... me and Jack are... kind of a thing? ...Or we were."
"Okay. I knew you were probably 'a thing' with other people, we did sort of discuss that, in the oblique." Mearc is fine with the lack of eye contact, maybe more than fine.
"I'm sorry for not telling you earlier. We were... I mean, we were just fuck buddies? Friends with benefits. So it didn't seem like something worth talking about. ...Or maybe I just didn't want to talk about it. Cause I'm not sure if we really were just that now. But now I don't really know what to do."
"It was the sort of thing where you were running, were concentrating on the sex because it's easier, and then other things got complicated into it, I'm going to guess, because that seems to be a pattern for you. So, where was the point of failure?" There's no note of judgment behind those words, and his freckles seem to be tilting toward green.
Lux doesn't vocally confirm that, but it's likely on the mark based on Lux's grimace. "I fucked up. Did something shitty. I'm not good for him. I mean, I'm not good for anyone but I'm especially not good for him."
"I'm not sure that viewing people as 'good' or 'not-good' for one another is a particularly meaningful framework. But I don't have context on what happened yet."
Lux groans, rubbing their hands over their face, legs tucking up to their chest again. "A week or two ago we... did some stuff. Um. Sex stuff. Like... more intense stuff than we'd done before. And he was really into it but also... really drunk. And I was really into it and was selfish and not thinking--and I felt horrible afterwards but... just... we both ignored it even happened, because I was ashamed and he felt bad for making me feel ashamed, I guess. Until last night. And he... admitted that if he hadn't been drunk he probably wouldn't have done it." Lux groans miserably, arms wrapping around their knees, face burying into them. "And I just fucking lost it cause I'd been trying to run from all the emotions and I had a fucking panic attack right in front of him like a fucking idiot and made things so weird and now I don't know if I can even... be with him anymore."
Mearc moves from the floor up to the couch, lifting an arm in a very clear offer of a snuggle. "That sounds like a pretty intense failure of communication, yes. I have a couple of suggestions on how to proceed, but I'm not sure if you're actually looking for advice here, or just to talk yourself out."
"Uuuuuuuuuggggghhhhh," Lux lets out a long soft groan, hugging their knees tighter. "....Advice, I guess." They don't immediately accept the offer, but after sitting there for a moment they just... slump sideways against him.
"Consider asking a member of the Spring Court to help mediate, if you two aren't capable of talking this out yourselves. I know, I know you don't like the idea of anyone in your business. But a third party might be able to stop the situation from devolving into a self-blame spiral, which is probably the most likely outcome otherwise. You're already falling into that trap. Also, do that talk completely sober, both of you." He gently curls his arm around Lux, the other hand brushing slowly over their buzzed head lightly.
Lux's face scrunches up at the idea in obvious displeasure. "Even if I was willing to do that, I don't think Jack would be. He's even worse about not wanting to talk about feelings than I am, I think. And... I don't even know who I'd talk to. I'm not really close to any Springs that aren't Jack."
"Their monarch would be a potential place to start, but that might come off as a nuclear option to a member of that court. I'd suggest one of the Joyeux, but I don't know that I'd be comfortable doing such a thing myself were the situation something that involved me. Petra might be an option, Annie too. Both are people who I view as being solid and thoughtful, though I'm not sure if either would be willing. Still, Annie's at least polyamorous herself, so that aspect wouldn't bias whatever advice she brings to the table."
A full brood settled into them. They're pouting, but at least that's a step up from full on apathetic depression. Probably. Their legs uncoil enough that they can curl up against him properly, head resting against his chest. "I don't know. I see the sense in it. But that sounds like... a lot."
"It is a lot. Lux, hummingbird, relationships that are more than just sex do take a lot of work, from everything I know. You and I will probably have points of rupture at some point, will rub up against one another's bruises, will have to work to make whatever this is work, in the long run. And you know what? I look forward to that. Because this thing we're building is worth a lot. And if you want to do something with Jack that's long term, that'll take work and honesty and communication, too. I'm sorry that it hurts to stop running. Here's the landscape you've been speeding past."
The Bright One is quiet for a good while. Their fingers curl against Mearc's stomach, gripping lightly at his shirt while they frown, staring off at some random spot on the floor. After a while their head tilts to bury their face into him. "You want something long term?"
"Well...yes. I mean, if you'd be okay with that. Of course, if you're not, that's fine too, I mean, it's whatever you're comfortable with." Panic paints his freckles red in a wash from his face outward.
"I'm not... saying I don't. I just... think you could do a lot better than me," Lux murmurs muffledly.
"Again, the framework of being 'good' for people really lies far outside the point here." He kisses the top of their head gently. "I like you, Lux. I like being around you."
"Yeah. Well. Okay. Fine. Be all... reasonable and emotionally mature and shit..." Lux mutters, brooding again, still hiding their face into his chest.
That draws a startled laugh from Mearc. "Reasonable, maybe, but I use that to make up for the fact that I'm probably the most emotionally stunted person you'll ever meet who isn't hedgefresh. I am bad at feelings, Lux, really just crap with them, and especially other people's, and that's why I talk things out so methodically."
"...You're a lot better at them than I am..." Lux pulls back then, rubbing tears from their eyes. There's some small wet stains on Mearc's t-shirt. "I like you too."
Mearc pretends not to notice the wet stains, though he does reach for the glass of water and offer it to Lux again. Because that's what you do when someone is crying.
Lux accepts the glass, taking a few small gulps before sighing. "Okay. So..." They look anxiously to him, frowning. "How do you feel about all this?"
"I'm afraid you'll need to be more specific with the question. All what, exactly?"
"Erm... Me being with other people. You seemed pretty okay with me fucking other people but uh... If me and Jack did work out, if we did become more than just fuck buddies... Or anyone else? I dunno, just--all that. Are you... okay."
Mearcstapa takes a moment to sit with that question and think about it, his freckles greening distinctly. "Yes, I'm okay. Though I think...it would help me feel in control, somewhat, to have a grasp of the scope of the polycule. While I don't need the details of every relationship, I think I'd like to be aware when you become involved or cease to be involved with someone. Partially so I can be there to help when things end messily, partially to avoid awkwardness with your other partners. Is...that an acceptable thing to ask? I don't anticipate a situation where I ever tell you you can't be with someone, even if I don't get along with them. But I would rather be informed."
Pause. "Also, if you're having unprotected sex with anyone, we may want to consider regular STI testing."
Lux watches Mearc anxiously, drying their tears, but doesn't push him to answer until he's ready.
They listen, nodding here and there. "Yeah. Yeah, totally," they breath out, sounding a bit relieved. "That's fine. I'll be more open about things. That's definitely acceptable." Their hand reaches for Mearc's, fingers lacing through his. "And--uh, yeah. I'll admit to not being the most... careful person, every time, but I do get tested regularly. If that's something you want to actively do together we can, or if it makes you more comfortable for me to always use protection I'll try to be more mindful about that?"
"It'll be sufficient to know you're getting tested, and that I am as well." Mearc smiles, his voice becoming softer as his color evens out again. "I know you're spontaneous and not always thinking about that. And I like how spontaneous you are, honestly."
They look sheepish now, a little embarrassed. "Mrm, yeah, uh... When I get caught up in the moment that's not always on my mind..." They squeeze his hand. "And just so we're crystal clear, there's no one else I'm involved with. Like, I'll pick up people in bars for one night stands sometimes. That's usually how I harvest. But there's no one else that I... have feelings for. And I'm not even sure where my feelings are, with Jack. I like him, but I feel like I've just... messed everything up, there. But... I'll keep you updated?"
"Thank you, I appreciate that." He squeezes their hand back. "How're you feeling, at this point? You look a bit better."
"I'm feeling a little better." They manage a small smile. "Talking helped some, as much as I hate to admit it. I think I'm just... tired. Feels tired. Usually it takes me a day or two to fully snap back after a panic attack, and with the protest I just... had to force myself to be bright and it... I dunno. I don't feel good but I feel better."
"Panic attacks suck, yeah. And you're supposed to eat well after one, too, because they use a lot of energy." His tone is sympathetic, still soft and warm. "Do you want me to stay up and keep watch here while you sleep, in case of trouble?"
"...Yeah, well, I don't really... take the best care of myself, I guess," they mumble, then shake their head. "No... You don't need to do that. The mob stuff does have me super anxious, but... I figure I have a day or two at least before they figure out who I am. And you shouldn't loose sleep because of me. I kind of just... want to ignore all that tonight and try to relax with you. Then tomorrow I'll try to work up the spoons to come up with a security plan." They give Mearc a hopeful look. "If you'll help me?"
"Of course. You might not like it all that much, though--it'll probably involve staying put in the Hedge and trusting other people to put an ear to the ground to see what's up with the mob." He stands, and then moves to a one-knee kneel in front of Lux, with his back toward them. "I doubt I could carry you in my arms, so far as the bedroom, but I think I can manage you piggyback, if you want."
(Because Lux is like a five year old, as we've established.)
"...No. I'm not going to like that at all," Lux grumbles, frowning at the idea of being cooped up. "But you're the expert. I'll at least try to follow your advice..." They look confused at first, when he kneels, before letting out a soft sound of delight. "Ah! Are you sure?" They scoot forward to wrap their legs around his middle and arms around his shoulders, managing a grin. "...Is it okay that I'm not in the mood for sex, though?" they ask, suddenly sounding a bit nervous.
It's a little rough and wobbly, Mearc's not exactly the strongest fella in the world, but he makes it successfully to the bedroom and lays Lux on top of the weighted blanket. "Okay, honestly, even if you were in the mood, with how you were drinking at the bar and what just happened between you and Jack, I don't think I'd be into it at all."
Lux kisses softly at his ear as Mearc carries them. Nothing heated--light and chaste and affectionate. They let go to drop onto the bed, chewing at their lip. "Erm. Yeah. That's... the smart decision." They look up at him. "Honestly, you know what sounds really nice right now?"
"What sounds nice right now?" Eyebrows both raising.
"Cuddling up against you while you play your nerdy strategy games." Their lips quirk upwards a little, hopefully. "I kinda just... want to veg out and watch you do something you really like."
"Hmm. How does Stellaris sound? It's an outer space grand strategy game, and the soundtrack is really relaxing. You can even help me design a whole alien race to play. Though I'll need to go grab my computer and hook it up to the TV in here to play here instead of in the office. It'll be a bit of set-up, but it's worth it."
Lux smiles at that, nodding. "That sounds perfect."
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