Logs:The Difference Between Clarity And Honesty: Difference between revisions
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A deep breath in. "And, again, the reason I'm saying 'I don't want this at all' is because of the double standard, which I said. Not that, like, I actively want to sleep with Lux, we've talked about the fact that I think I might just be motleysexual anymore, but because I don't do well with double standards. Which led to 'he's not going to be able to fix this with me if he wants to fix it because of you.' Just the same way that Sturm didn't fix things with you because of me. Sturm fixed things with you because of you. Because of Sturm. So in that sense, that's a great guidepost, sure." They turn their face up toward hers. "I understand what you're saying. And I'm sorry for participating in you feeling that way. The whole time, whether you saw it or not, and whether I fucked it up or not, I was trying to fix things for you. If you'd never been okay with Sturm and me, if she would have never joined the motley, I still would have been doing the dream work and spending time with her -- because that's how we found that piece of your soul. Because you got answers. And I got inconvenient feelings along the way, which I didn't explain in detail because ... " Their hand flutters on her stomach. Here we are again. Mirrors not reflecting what's wanted or expected. "Anyway." | A deep breath in. "And, again, the reason I'm saying 'I don't want this at all' is because of the double standard, which I said. Not that, like, I actively want to sleep with Lux, we've talked about the fact that I think I might just be motleysexual anymore, but because I don't do well with double standards. Which led to 'he's not going to be able to fix this with me if he wants to fix it because of you.' Just the same way that Sturm didn't fix things with you because of me. Sturm fixed things with you because of you. Because of Sturm. So in that sense, that's a great guidepost, sure." They turn their face up toward hers. "I understand what you're saying. And I'm sorry for participating in you feeling that way. The whole time, whether you saw it or not, and whether I fucked it up or not, I was trying to fix things for you. If you'd never been okay with Sturm and me, if she would have never joined the motley, I still would have been doing the dream work and spending time with her -- because that's how we found that piece of your soul. Because you got answers. And I got inconvenient feelings along the way, which I didn't explain in detail because ... " Their hand flutters on her stomach. Here we are again. Mirrors not reflecting what's wanted or expected. "Anyway." | ||
"Yeah, I'm not trying to relitigate Sturm, baby. Let the record show I'm happy she's here and things worked out for the best, eventually. That doesn't change the facts of what I went through that whole time. And that's what I'm talking about." Sigrun's shoulders hunch and relax in the idea of a shrug. | |||
"But. Again. Mearcstapa and I are friends. I think he's cute, yes. I have a crush on him, yes. But it's me. I have a crush on anyone that's remotely kind to me in a way I value. But he's in a triad with two AMABs and I'm not even certain he likes me like that. And until he says something to me about it, that's how it's going to remain. My entire point is that I'm in control of me and what I do with my body and my heart. And I'm going to keep making that point until you hear me and internalize it. You don't need to worry about me upsetting you that way, because I don't want to upset you that way, and not for any other reason than that. Nobody else gets a vote." | |||
They lift their head from her shoulder, then, and kiss her high cheekbone, just below her eye, before laying their head back on her shoulder. The matter of Sturm is left to rest, and they go rather profoundly silent, just breathing in and out, for a really long time. The light of her skin plays over the dark-mirror surfaces of theirs, like dyed-dark quicksilver. Whether they're thinking or just taking comfort from Sigrun's presence is a hard thing to know, since they hide their face in her chest. | |||
"I have never been under the impression that you will do anything with yourself other than what you think is right." Those words come, finally, after several quiet minutes. "I'm just saying it will never be fixed if it's fixed for the sake of getting to you. I am not a thing, an obstacle to be cleared on the way to your bed." The Mirrorskin adds, "And he fucked up his friendship with me by doing what he did. For whatever that ... self-declared friendship was worth to him." There's weariness there, the subtle sound of someone who doesn't open up easily closing the puzzle box around their surprisingly fragile heart. | |||
"I smoked on the mission." A sigh. "To talk to who I thought would help me. And I ended up picking up a pack on the way home because I was mad. I smoked half of it. The other half is in my coat." | |||
"Things got screwed up between you two because of a single conversation. I wasn't there, I don't know what all happened, but I do know you both. Mearcstapa isn't using you to get to me. And there's probably a reason he put things the way he did to you. I'm going to be talking to him soon, so I can poke at it with a stick if you want." She turns her head and presses a kiss to Teagan's forehead, her hand resuming its gentle scritching atop their scalp. | |||
"He's not the sort to throw friendship away. Or declare it lightly. So. I'll talk to him." | |||
She moves past that and nods her head at what Teagan states of the cigarettes. "It's a stressful time right now, and you're dealing with a lot. That's to be expected. So. Enjoy the pack and make it your last for now. I'm not going to make you feel guilty about it, but I will absolutely smoke one with you in a bit, if you want." So the pack will go faster is not mentioned. "Heck, I'll even get you off first, if you want to really enjoy one. But this is not a place where we tut tut Teagan for taking one for the team on a mission." | |||
They nuzzle in closer to her. "I didn't say he was. I said he can't fix things with me if it's to fix things to get to you." A deep breath means their skin shimmers against her, and they ruch in, curling a leg over top of hers. "I'm not going to tell you what to talk to him about or not. I'm going to say that I don't want you to try to fix it. If he wants to fix it, he has to fix it, and not through you, or anyone else. I know that's not usual for you, and I know you want to fix it, but it has to be him." | |||
There's clearly guilt there; Sigrun has known Teagan long enough to know the guilty 'I restarted an addiction' shift of their shoulders against her. "Okay." It's not the thing they've been saying to themself, clearly. "I would like that. I -- didn't want to -- " An exhaled snort through their nose. | |||
At least it's not heroin. Sigrun wraps her arms around Teagan and pulls them into a tight squeeze of a hug. She presses a kiss to their forehead again in the midst of the squeeze, then eases off of the hug and props herself up onto an elbow. The little 'Okay' Teagan manages is rewarded with a sad, lopsided smile from Sigrun. She settles a hand on their cheek and shakes her head just a touch, "I know you didn't want to, that's another reason why I'm not upset. It's okay." Sigrun then begins to scoot herself lower on the bed, under the covers. Which is sort of humorous, because her glow doesn't really allow for her to disappear under covers even if she wants to. | |||
And quite some time later, once they're both nice and relaxed, Sigrun flops out onto her back, stares up at the ceiling, and makes a miming gesture of holding a cigarette to her mouth, followed by a wordless thumb's up. Cigarette now, yes please. | |||
As hard to quit, but arguably not as destructive. Legal, anyway. They curl up in her arms, soaking in the affection and attention when she squeezes them tight in her arms, but when she starts to scoot down under the covers -- they relax, and their laughter bubbles up again. She really can't disappear under the covers. It doesn't matter. No one's trying to find her but them, after all. | |||
Loose-limbed and comfortable, Teagan nods their understanding of her miming and pushes up from the bed to fetch the cigarettes. Back to an even keel, at least internal to this particular dyad, and themself. Little sets Teagan to rights like Sigrun. | |||
Sex optional. | |||
That, and Sigrun herself never had a cigarette problem. | |||
Once she's enjoying the afterglow with a nice lit cigarette between her lips, Sigrun does the one thing she never really allows herself most days: She fucking relaxes. | |||
Her limbs are loose, her hair mussy, her body once more slick with sweat, and she does not care. There's just a long drag, a pensive holding of her breath, and a slow exhale down the length of her body before it roils up into the air above her bed. "I never really got the appeal of cigarettes. Which helps for this." Another, smaller drag is taken. "But I have to say, this is pretty fucking decadent. If I didn't have a ton of things to do tomorrow, I'd say we should make a day of it. Fucking, smoking, and relaxing." | |||
To be fair, Teagan's problem wasn't exactly cigarettes. Things would be much worse if they'd been handled a Juul or other vape, but they weren't. They were given cigarettes, which are much stinkier. | |||
They lay lazily on their back, hair a sweaty shock of a mess, and stretch their arm out to pull her in. It's Sigrun's turn for Faceboob. It's like Facebook, but way, way better. "It's the ritual. I don't like cigarettes much. The vape, though. Holy shit. I got nicotine, which jazzes you up, and it tasted like strawberries and shit. But there was the ritual of filling the vape, making sure it was charged, setting it all up. And with cigarettes, it's ... packing the pack, turning a cigarette, lighting it, being able to parcel out time when people shouldn't bother you because you're smoking." | |||
"Nicotine is as addictive as hell, too. So ... yeah." They rest their cigarette between their lips, held with their opposite hand; the drag they take is almost contemplative. "I mean, we could anyway. If things are on fire with your job, it's literal, and anything else, right?" | |||
"I'm still in the academy, boo. Five more months. Before I get assigned to a ladder company. I can't bail on classes." Booooooo. "And when that's over, I have to get back into the Hollow and keep working on the defenses. I was at Old Iron, and I was at the Rivermen's village. I've been out there, where the roots have caused damage, and the wildlife has caused damage because of it. And I think I can minimize the damage here. At least, I can try, you know? But I'll be back that night, and if you need more time, we can take more time." Sigrun nestles in against Teagan's chest when pulled close, smoking out of the side of her mouth to avoid getting ash on Teagan's nitties. "Maybe grab June this evening? Before I come home? Or Sturm? Or Laura? Or Johnny? Or Glitch? The nice thing about having a motleycule is there's plenty of cuddlefucking to be done if you need it. This will blow over soon, and then I'll relax. I promise." | |||
Famous last words. | |||
"I know, light of my life. It was a joke. A really, really bad one, but a joke. I know you can't bail on classes. It's just my job as the resident spoiled lazy cat of the motley to tell you to bail on your classes, so you can say 'no, I'm not going to!' and be righteous." They lean to kiss at her hairline, and stretch their back a little bit, then relax once more. "And I'm going to be out there helping you with the defenses -- because I may not be a practical creature in a lot of senses, but ... I'm really not bad at hedgespinning." They tip her chin up, press a small kiss to her lips. "I always need more of your time. Always." | |||
They let go of her chin, gently petting a hand along her jawline, and look up at the ceiling. "That is one of many, many nice things about having a motleycule. Along with all of the other things that are nice." | |||
"Famous last words, babe. Famous last words. You haven't relaxed since I've known you." | |||
The nice thing about being a crunchy granola armpit hair and natural bush kind of gal is hat there's incense burners around to serve as ash trays when you're a non-smoker suddenly solidarity smoking. She reaches up to tap some ash onto the one atop her headboard, then nestles in against Teagan again to take another slow drag, exhaling it lazily away. | |||
"We can't hedgespin. The roots react to it violently. That's what destroyed the Rivermen's damn. Trying to spin repairs to it. I'm doing it all the old fashioned way. Shovels, axes, sledges, adzes. Frygg's been helping me with her literal horsepower, but I'd welcome two extra hands. It's slow going, and pretty thankless work, all told." | |||
She hunches up a little small at the closing remark and offers quietly, "Maybe this time will be different."(edited) | |||
The look on Teagan's face is a frustrated one when they say exactly the wrong thing and betray exactly how little they know about what's going on with that. Or that maybe they forgot the work that they did. In any case, they fucked up what they said, and it underlines their disconnection, so they frown. "Whenever you need help, I'm there," Teagan answers, adding, "Oso probably would love an excuse to dig without someone telling him to not to dig holes in the Hollow floor. I can bring him out." | |||
When she hunches up, they reach up to set their cigarette in the incense burner and bring their scarred palm to turn her face up toward theirs. "I roast because I love, light of my life," they offer quietly, taking the role of reassurance from their partner. "How hard you work is one of the things I love best about you. I will enforce time off on you if you work yourself too hard, that said. Pick you up, throw you over my shoulder, and cart you off to Cape May for enforced beach time, complete with ice cream and hot dogs and fruity drinks with umbrellas in them and humorous single-entendre names." A relatively-chaste kiss laid on her lips, and their fingers trace out through her iridescent hair, smoothing out some of the knots they just helped put into it. | |||
"Oso would be a huge help. Part of what I want to do is trench around the hollow and build up ramparts with spikes. That should encourage most of the hedge beasts to go around the hollow, rather than through it if a stampede kicks off or they're driven our way by root activity. The break will give us a place we can hack at roots as they come through towards the hollow. There's no getting rid of all of it, but it could slow it down some. And I want to get walls up, too. On the interior. Like I got up at Old Iron. Once things are back to normal, we can spin our work away. But... the hedgewall gave out at Old Iron. And there was nothing between the hollow and the hobs. It was... really bad. And I don't want that to be us." | |||
Sigrun isn't looking to die in defense of the freehold. She's looking to survive with an in tact freehold due to a lot of prep work. | |||
She returns that relatively chaste kiss and uses a hand to get that kiss to remain in place for longer than Teagan had planned for. Still relatively chaste, though. Then she nestles back in for more faceboob time. "Thanks. Cape May sounds awesome. I'd like that." | |||
They listen to her words, playing with her hair as she talks. Sigrun's hair is down, and this is a thing that makes Teagan very happy. It's like a secret that Teagans get to have, and Teagans love their secrets. This even distracts them from smoking, getting to pet Sigrun's hair. Can't stink up the pretty hair with smoke, so. Keeping that hand free for petting means smoking less of that cigarette. | |||
"Okay. Well. Baby is a machete. They were meant for hacking cane. So you tell me, you know? If you need stuff cut back around the place, that's the easiest. And Oso would, I am sure, love to dig whatever you want. He speaks Spanish, so he takes direction really well, if you speak the language. So... you tell me, I'll tell him." They look down at her, reflecting back the fractions and fragments of her to the Bright One. "It won't be us. Because you worked hard. Because you worked smart." | |||
There are few things in this world as unshakeable as Teagan's belief in Sigrun. It's a bedrock you could build a whole house on. | |||
Or a whole motley. Take your pick. | |||
When the kiss gets extended, Teagan steals a second one, quicker, in its wake. "Then it's a date, Adora." | |||
The unfortunate inverse of that proposition is that if something goes wrong, it's because she didn't. On which hinges more or less every shred of anxiety in the Fairest. She takes in a deep breath, though, when Teagan expresses their boundless confidence in what she can get done because she's stubborn. She accepts the praise as it's intended and smiles one of her peculiar sad little smiles up at Teagan. "We'll get there, baby. And, yeah. Cutting back the dead hedge will help a lot. Let it keep alive what it can, cull the rest. I've been doing some controlled burns of useless thorn and bramble to keep the fire risk down, too. Cull it out, pile it up way from other flammable material, and burn it off. It keeps the fuel out of the area, too." | |||
Sigrun then stretches out her arm and pushes up on an elbow briefly to snub out her cigarette in the incense holder. This is followed by her sticking in a sandalwood stick and lighting it up to combat the cigarette smell. Once it's lit, she blows it out and flops back down onto the bed beside Teagan, cozying up to them again. "I'm glad I'll have something to do while you're in the dreaming roads. I wouldn't be able to deal with it, otherwise." | |||
They suck on their teeth, letting out a little tick of sound. "We'll get there," they repeat, tugging her in closer by their one arm, and then letting her go. They reach up to snag their cigarette, take one last drag, and snub it out, waiting impatiently for her to return to their arms. "I can do that. Help you get the dead shit cut back and keep only the living. Just tell me what you need. You know I'd do whatever you asked." When she settles back down, they tuck her in against them once more, pulling the blanket over both of them, tucked in all snug and secure, at least for now. | |||
"Helping you to put the defenses in place will help me stay focused," they admit, going back to carefully petting her hair out of her face with their long, dark fingers and staring down at her with a look that's utterly smitten. Years upon years and that ridiculous look on their face never dims: it's the light they bring all on their own, rather than reflecting from her. "Otherwise I -- I'd just be worried about you." | |||
"That's the story of our lives," Sigrun remarks with a soft laugh, "fucking, fighting, drinking, worrying, doing it all over again another day. I can't help feel like we're all extraordinarily lucky to have made it this far in the state we are. Which is to say: alive." Sigrun turns onto her side to well and truly cozy into Teagan's arms. She lifts her head briefly to draw her hair out from beneath her head, tug her pillow in closer, and nestles back in with a note of naptime finality. Apparently she's content enough to try and doze off in Teagan's arms. | |||
"Then tomorrow after work, you will come and help me. And I'll bring you up to speed on what's going on. The rumors and all of that. What the plan is, or my part in it, anyway. We'll work ourselves weary, and then we can go to Downtime and bathe in the spring before coming back home and getting some sleep. Make the most of the time we have." | |||
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Latest revision as of 18:21, 21 July 2020
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