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An exchange of text messages, and then Teagan retreats. They turn off their phone, and wait in the room that Sigrun's claimed as the Palace of Sigritude. Scrubbed clean from yesterday's mission and this morning's work, they pull her blanket up over themself, surround themself in the ineffable Sigrunness that remains in the place she picked for herself, and take a nap while waiting.
Sometimes a nap, drowned in the smell of one of your girlfriends, is the only tonic for that level of Very Bad No Good Feeling. And so they drowse, taking sleep in small sips, coming up to wakefulness and drifting off again.
Sigrun spent much of her free time today working in the hedge, carving stakes for the ramparts and digging out trenching and so on. Improving the freehold's defenses in preparation for the big show. So when she comes back home, she pauses for a shower. Because she is hot, sweaty, smelly, filthy, and gross. It's not a short one, either, for all of the above reasons. The level of grime meant she took her hair down again, probably a large part of why the shower took a while. Apart from the towel on her head, though, she hasn't bothered with clothes. The dirty stuff went down the chute, and now she's coming in to get dressed enough for comfort. Unless intercepted from that, of course. "Hey, night of my life. Sorry about that. I was... the bad dirty."
They sleep on their stomach, face mashed into her pillow. Baby's leaned by the nightstand, because while they may not sleep with the machete in their actual hands anymore, there's only so much distance they can have between themselves and the Hedgespun weapon. "Mmmph." They wake, and push themself up to sitting before flopping back onto their back. Naked sleep is best sleep, apparently; they don't bother covering back up, blanket pooled around their waist. One arm stretches out toward Sigrun, scarred hand making a grabbing motion. "Light of my life," they answer her, "C'mere."
Sigrun removes the towel from her head and leans to the side to shake her hair out and squeeze as much of the water from it as she's able before taking Teagan up on their offer. Once the worst is done, she snatches her brush from her dressing table, runs it through her hair a few times, and carries it over to the bed along with the rest of herself. She keeps her room nice and cool, so sliding in under her quilt is just the thing. She scoot in closer to Teagan and offers up her arms to them. "No. You c'mere. Faceboob it, you. Then tell me what's wrong."
Don't have to tell them twice. Teagan shoves up to one elbow and ruches across the bed, kissing up one of Sigrun's arms and across her collarbone. A shameless sigh and playful burying of their face between the proffered boobs, and then they curl up alongside her, getting comfortable with their head on her chest. There's that little 'nn-nn-nh!' sound that people make when they're ruching in for a snuggle, and then they drop into silence with another sigh. "I'm not sure where to start," they admit with a sigh. "I'm having lots of big sad upset feelings, and I'm worried about hurting anyone else. I had to leave a conversation a couple hours ago so it didn't end in screaming at the top of my lungs, but... "
Sigrun wraps her arms around Teagan, keeping one about them and soothing their back while the other toys with their hair and scritches at their scalp on occasion. Intent on soothing the savage Darkling. June's not here, so no beast soothing. "Would screaming now help? I get most of my loud screaming and cursing out in the forge. It's super therapeutic. Beating metal and screaming, I mean." The stops her tangent and gets back to the point. "If you don't feel like that would help, then just tell me what happened enough to understand why you're having the Big Sad."
"I went for a run and beat the shit out of the Hollow and used it to expand the bath area in Downtime a little." Because beating the shit out your Hollow's walls and screaming at the top of your lungs is a valid way to Hedgespin. "The shower is a little bigger, and it's more rain-shower now." It's sort of home improvement? They take in a big breath, and let it out, sighing against her skin and letting her scritch and pet at them. "I have been feeling, like, really disconnected from what's going on, like. I am covering for everyone so that they can do things, so they can help with things, and go on missions, and stuff. And that's good. That's how that works. But I'm super, like, disconnected. And have been feeling useless. And then the first time I went to try to actually do something on my own, something I felt like I could go to Peter and be like 'hey, look at me, you want to promote me, what's up', I fucked it up."
"And I know, I know. We talked about that yesterday, and I talked about it more today, and that's not the point. I still feel like I'm not -- " A pause. "It's about the feelings. And then you add on like. My partners getting pursued, getting new partners, and it's not like, actual jealousy, actually? It's just that I feel like... the useless, ugly old man of our motley. And some of my feelings about that were just getting blindsided because I didn't know who the fuck this 'Lif' person even was before she was apparently already fucking my girlfriend. So it wasn't ... jealousy, it was an uncertain place to stand."
"And the first time I actually put all of that into words, the immediate response from the person I was talking to was, 'well, I just want you to know that I like you a lot as a friend, and I'm going to lead by explicitly telling you that I'm not interested in you romantically or sexually, but gosh you're a special friend. OH BY THE WAY, in the next breath I'll tell you that I am into one of your girlfriends and might pursue her.' Like, dude." They pause, and reiterate, "DUDE." A heavy sigh. "There's more, but that's. A lot." And she deserves to have a moment to actually respond to all of that verbal vomit. They curl in closer, smaller, against the Valkyrie's side.
"I can't speak for everyone, but I don't think anyone's having fun right now, Teagan." Sigrun goes on soothing with her hands on Teagan's back, trailing two fingers on either side of their spine. Her other hand is just doing little spider scritches atop their head, her blunt nails gently scraping at their scalp in a slow predictable and soothing series of strokes.
"Old Iron was work. The Rivermen was work. Baltimore was work. I am deeply grateful you supported me by staying behind and keeping the hearth fires burning. I genuinely do. I appreciate everything you do for the Motley, for me personally, and for the community generally. But none of us are enjoying a vacation. We're finding little pockets of joy and respite in the midst of an ongoing slow boiling horror show."
"Lif's been here for years. Just in Spring. Their presence in the Freehold predates ours. I met them, and they're cool. And I definitely see the appeal, there. I think if you gave Lif half a chance, you would, too. It was hard for me to be grumpy about Johnny sleeping with someone who is a fundamentally decent person who also needs a little bit of love and stability in their evolving life. Not that your feelings aren't valid. But this isn't Johnny casting a net and trolling for tail, I don't think. And I do hope you don't think that."
Sigrun does frown at the rest, though. "That sucks, honey. That really sucks. I'm sorry they hurt your feelings. Though I will point out you and Sturm are still under warranty. She chased you down like you owed her money."
"I don't think that anyone's having fun, Sigrun. That's not the point. It's not about fun. It's about feeling connected and useful, like I'm doing my job. I know it's work, and I don't feel like I know what's going on with that work. People talk about stuff and I don't know what's happening, because I'm doing the very necessary support work. But that doesn't mean I don't feel ... shitty and disconnected and not a part of what's going on." The Mirrorskin's mouth presses into a flat line, like a bivalve closing fiercely against an otter's intrusion, putting the truth to the expression clamming up.
"I know it's not what Johnnie's doing, and I know she's been here for years, though, uh, I was actually here before her because I came out here twenty years ago, that's ... that's still not the point."
A deep breath in, a slow breath out. "Light of my life, I know that. And that's part of the fucking problem. Because every time I tell people about my issues, or my feelings, it feels like I get told why I shouldn't feel them, how they're not rational. I know they're not rational, and I already feel bad for feeling them. Like I already feel like a shitty person for being even slightly blindsided by the existence of a new metamour and not just being like 'oh, good job, have fun, this doesn't bother me at all, gosh, I hope you get the love and stability you need from someone I've been with for years, I'm happy to share,' and feeling like I'm being told 'but you don't have Real Reasons to feel that way, and also, Sturm,' which, like, you think I don't know? I know."(edited)
"I'm just trying to reassure you, Teagan," Sigrun says with a soft sigh, her voice sounding a little resigned. "If you want me to bring you up to speed on everything that I know about, I can do that. But I'm just a little cog in the big machine, myself. Finding hot spots and pouring water on them. I don't have the full picture, either. But I'm happy to share the view from where I'm standing. You know? If you want to grab donuts and coffee at Maddy's we can chill and dish. Or I can make you some pie, or something. And we can do it here. If I can make you feel more centered by just... telling you what's going on? That's a super easy fix."
"That's not why I brought up Sturm, either. And I think you know that. I've been in your shoes. I've been uncomfortable. I've been upset and angry. I've wanted to lash out. I have lashed out. I was jealous. I was incredibly jealous of Sturm. And I felt like the odd one out. I felt like I wasn't special, or good enough. Like there was something wrong with me because everyone wanted to get into her bed and I was here trying to avoid puking when she got too close to me."
"So, yeah. I get it. I didn't really even get over it at first. I just gave up trying to wait for it to be okay and figured it could be fine behind my back and I'd just deal with it and things would move on. And they did, and I did, and now I am okay with it. I was even before she and I got together ourselves." Sigrun twitches her nose and looks up at the ceiling with a long sigh. "Anyway. Whoever it is you're talking about and whoever it is they're intent on pursuing? Just talk to them, boo. Preferably starting with who they're pursuing, as that's going to be of more immediate importance to you and to your happiness, you know?"(edited)
"I know you are. And while I do want that, and I appreciate that, what I really want right now is just to have someone I actually trust not to respond with the thing that's going to hurt me the most in a given situation so I can just... purge this shit. Because I already feel bad just for having these feelings at all. I don't ... I don't really want solutions until I stop feeling bad for having feelings. I'm not good at being not-okay. I'm not. And. I fully fucking recognize those are my own issues and not anyone else's fault or responsibility, but that doesn't mean they're not real." A deep breath, and they turn their face into her chest, going quiet.
"I know. I know that." Their broken-mirror eyes shadow over, and they go quiet. "I'm sorry for that. I tried to -- not -- let it be that way." They go quiet.
"Yeah, well, that's the problem, really. Because I'm not actually okay with them pursuing you, and I don't know that I ever will be. For the first time in my life that doesn't have to do with 'this is a mortal, and it's dangerous,' I want to say 'no.'" Yeah, they said 'you.' Teagan's voice is quiet. "Because I'm really, really not okay with Mearcstapa saying 'you can't sleep with Lux, because I'm threatened by Direct Action, until, oh wait, now I want to sleep with Sigrun, so I guess it's all okay.' And I'm really, really, really sorry that this is how you're finding out that Mearcstapa is interested in pursuing you, I really am. And, like, I'm the one who turned Lux down before Mearc even said that -- twice! -- because I didn't want anything that felt emotionally compromised, even a hookup. That's not the point. And I'm aware that this may not be the exact translation of what actually happened, but it's all happening past and around me. And I try to be someone things emotionally happen with. I have to try not to be the flat blank nothing. I try so hard."
"If people's attempts at comforting words are what's going to hurt you the most in a given situation, I'm not sure where to go from there. I was attempting reassurance. I'm sorry." She falls silent at this point, her hands slowing their attentions. She just focuses on what's being said rather than on compelling her hands to action. They start up again when she's mostly through the last bit, and continue their slow scritching for a short while more before her hands settle into place, flat on her back and laced into their hair.
"Well. Yeah. I wouldn't do that to Lux for one thing. If Mearc thinks he can get into my pants with Lux on your no fly list, that's not ... I mean I wouldn't allow that to happen. Nevermind what you want from me right now, or what Mearcstapa wants or any other thing." Sigrun rubs at the bridge of her nose and looks off to the side, away from Teagan. "But. Anyway. Mearc made it clear there wasn't going to be anything between us once. He's sweet and cute and smart. He likes me for what I do, not for what I look like. He knows stuff about stuff I don't know about. We make a good team. Between our motley and them. Between our courts. And as friends. And, yeah. I crush on him a lot. Has more freckles than I do." For whatever that's worth. "But ... like. Yeah. This is not how I want to find this out. And I certainly did nothing inappropriate to bring us to this point."
"Sometimes I just need to say the things I am feeling and be told I'm not a bad person for having feelings of my own, especially not feelings that are -- incovenient or -- not what people want when they look at me." There's some sort of Mirror something happening there, but that's as clear as Teagan can get about it at the moment. "That's all." Helplessly, in a small curl of sound, they add, "I love you."
A soft puff of breath. "I have no idea, really. Because the way I found out any of this was Mearcstapa starting by saying 'I don't want you romantically or sexually but you're a keen friend, bee tee dubs I am planning on pursuing Sigrun.' Which is what I mean about like... I got a crowbar to the glass about this shit." They lift their head from her chest, and kiss her jawline. "I have no idea whether or not I'm still on Lux's no-fly list or whatever, because that's ... none of that was approached. Ever. At all. I went from 'I'm feeling like a loser because of all of these reasons' and like, actually talking to him, and not having actually really talked to him for probably months? To his response being... " they trail off, and their arms tighten around her waist.
"You did nothing wrong. I said that before. I know you didn't." Though in all fairness, Teagan would probably find Sigrun standing over a corpse with a knife in her hand and a signed confession in the other that begins with I Did Something Wrong and say 'I don't think she did anything wrong.' "You didn't do any of this. And this isn't -- this is -- I'm just looking at this going 'if this is behavior you think is going to fly in connection with my family, you are wrong, Mearcstapa.' Because I'd do just about anything to protect this family."
"Sorry. Sigrun's ship with the factory setting set to 'try to help everyone even if they throw things at you'. And I lost the manual." Sigrun's teasing is only a slight exaggeration, well Teagan knows. Much to their frequent frustration. "I don't shut up and listen and offer no solutions well. And I'm not sure I ever will, but I'll try. You might just have to promise me smooches if I make it through a bitch dish without piping up." She leans in a little closer and whispers conspiratorially, "Down there smooches."
"Mearc's under a lot of pressure and probably wasn't thinking clearly. Or were figuring you're a swaggering cavalier sex bomb-omb and function well off clarity and honesty. And that you had the self-assurance to hear the truth because you are a force of nature and sex and everyone knows it. If I'm a clever autumn with a Teagan puzzlebox in my hand and I'm super certain I have it all figured out, that's where I'd be proven wrong when the drawer doesn't open." She resumes the patient petting of Teagan's head, still trying to comfort even now.
"But if you did want to feel pursued and wanted and novel and cool and every bit the macho butch androgyne babe-magnet that you are, you can turn me into Gina Carano and I'll swear up and down I need to pick up things from the ground and put them on high shelves over and over again until you feel better. And then. You know. Seduce you. With Gina Carano thighs."
Laughter from Teagan: that bright broken-glass sound that is their real laugh. "The solution, sometimes, light of my life, is to let the mirror that isn't reflecting what people expect deal with their Bad Mirror feelings. Mirrors don't -- we give people what they expect to see. And when we can't -- " They turn their face up to hers, reflecting back the Fairest's light in prismatic splendor, casting little rainbows everywhere. It's pretty rare when someone's eyes literally light up when they look at a lover, unless it's Teagan looking at Sigrun, and then it's every single time. "Why do you think I don't have my own eyes?" Because that's the way that Teagans dole out their deep dark secrets: one tiny factoid at a time, in the middle of an emotional crisis.
"But I'll take about every excuse for down-there smooches," they add on, the corners of their mouth curling up just a very little bit. Misson accomplished, Sigrun.
"There's a difference between clarity and honesty and feeling mugged by someone's double standards, Adora. And that's where I'm not okay. And I'm not. I'm not okay with this as it is, and I won't be okay if he comes and tries to fix it for the purposes of it being okay for him to chase you. I am not going to be the portal he has to go through in order to get to your bed." Their smile wobbles, there, and they bury their face in her chest again, going quiet and their skin silvering as she goes on, cheeks and throat at the tops of their ears. "I love you."(edited)
"I'd like to talk more about what you just said there separate from this discussion, because ... this discussion isn't the time for me to be piecing together your past through context clues, hon." Sigrun is many things, but a brainy sleuth she is not. She is clever but she's not cunning. And some things escape her understanding even when laid out in what others may believe is clear context.
"So. There is? A difference? Between clarity and honesty? But, again, I am just trying to frame his possible thoughts and intentions. Mearcstapa is not a deliberately cruel man. If he were, I wouldn't like him. And I do like him. But regardless of all that, he doesn't get to decide he can get into my bed. And you don't get to decide he gets into my bed. And you don't get to decide he doesn't, either. That's purely my decision, and it's one I make according to my conscience. He hasn't mentioned anything to me about it, so as far as I'm concerned where he's concerned? This is all hypothetical until he says something. Where I'm kind of lost is that I don't see how the position you are in presently is that much different from the position I was in with Sturm a few months ago. Except I'm not hanging around Mearcstapa a ton, or inviting him to sleep over here, or suggesting he joint he Motley. Because I was absolutely made a gateway to your crotch in that situation, and you were the one who made it clear that was the case." Sigrun draws her head back a bit so she can peer down at Teagan's face, "I love you, too. And I'm not going to do anything to hurt you, either. But. I mean. Yeah. If you don't like being in this position, never do that to me again. Bluntly."
"Okay." And that's all that Teagan says about that, for now. They're not exactly going to be rushing up to begin that conversation again, mind. They go quiet when she continues to talk, and they take in a deep breath.
"I kind of think it's a completely different situation, and absolutely the opposite. I started talking to Sturm to keep you from having to fix things, and then you told me to go hang out with her all the time after I helped her with dysphoria stuff. You assumed I might have slept with her, and that wasn't even on -- except reflexively -- on my radar? And the line I laid out from the beginning was not 'I want you to be okay with it and will be waiting actively for you to be okay with it' but 'I will never unless you are okay with it.' Because when it comes down to it, there's nothing before this motley for me, and then, she wasn't part of it. And by the time I was saying she should be, I wasn't the only one, by far. Because we'd been through shit. All of us."
A deep breath in. "And, again, the reason I'm saying 'I don't want this at all' is because of the double standard, which I said. Not that, like, I actively want to sleep with Lux, we've talked about the fact that I think I might just be motleysexual anymore, but because I don't do well with double standards. Which led to 'he's not going to be able to fix this with me if he wants to fix it because of you.' Just the same way that Sturm didn't fix things with you because of me. Sturm fixed things with you because of you. Because of Sturm. So in that sense, that's a great guidepost, sure." They turn their face up toward hers. "I understand what you're saying. And I'm sorry for participating in you feeling that way. The whole time, whether you saw it or not, and whether I fucked it up or not, I was trying to fix things for you. If you'd never been okay with Sturm and me, if she would have never joined the motley, I still would have been doing the dream work and spending time with her -- because that's how we found that piece of your soul. Because you got answers. And I got inconvenient feelings along the way, which I didn't explain in detail because ... " Their hand flutters on her stomach. Here we are again. Mirrors not reflecting what's wanted or expected. "Anyway."
"Yeah, I'm not trying to relitigate Sturm, baby. Let the record show I'm happy she's here and things worked out for the best, eventually. That doesn't change the facts of what I went through that whole time. And that's what I'm talking about." Sigrun's shoulders hunch and relax in the idea of a shrug.
"But. Again. Mearcstapa and I are friends. I think he's cute, yes. I have a crush on him, yes. But it's me. I have a crush on anyone that's remotely kind to me in a way I value. But he's in a triad with two AMABs and I'm not even certain he likes me like that. And until he says something to me about it, that's how it's going to remain. My entire point is that I'm in control of me and what I do with my body and my heart. And I'm going to keep making that point until you hear me and internalize it. You don't need to worry about me upsetting you that way, because I don't want to upset you that way, and not for any other reason than that. Nobody else gets a vote."
They lift their head from her shoulder, then, and kiss her high cheekbone, just below her eye, before laying their head back on her shoulder. The matter of Sturm is left to rest, and they go rather profoundly silent, just breathing in and out, for a really long time. The light of her skin plays over the dark-mirror surfaces of theirs, like dyed-dark quicksilver. Whether they're thinking or just taking comfort from Sigrun's presence is a hard thing to know, since they hide their face in her chest.
"I have never been under the impression that you will do anything with yourself other than what you think is right." Those words come, finally, after several quiet minutes. "I'm just saying it will never be fixed if it's fixed for the sake of getting to you. I am not a thing, an obstacle to be cleared on the way to your bed." The Mirrorskin adds, "And he fucked up his friendship with me by doing what he did. For whatever that ... self-declared friendship was worth to him." There's weariness there, the subtle sound of someone who doesn't open up easily closing the puzzle box around their surprisingly fragile heart.
"I smoked on the mission." A sigh. "To talk to who I thought would help me. And I ended up picking up a pack on the way home because I was mad. I smoked half of it. The other half is in my coat."
"Things got screwed up between you two because of a single conversation. I wasn't there, I don't know what all happened, but I do know you both. Mearcstapa isn't using you to get to me. And there's probably a reason he put things the way he did to you. I'm going to be talking to him soon, so I can poke at it with a stick if you want." She turns her head and presses a kiss to Teagan's forehead, her hand resuming its gentle scritching atop their scalp.
"He's not the sort to throw friendship away. Or declare it lightly. So. I'll talk to him."
She moves past that and nods her head at what Teagan states of the cigarettes. "It's a stressful time right now, and you're dealing with a lot. That's to be expected. So. Enjoy the pack and make it your last for now. I'm not going to make you feel guilty about it, but I will absolutely smoke one with you in a bit, if you want." So the pack will go faster is not mentioned. "Heck, I'll even get you off first, if you want to really enjoy one. But this is not a place where we tut tut Teagan for taking one for the team on a mission."
They nuzzle in closer to her. "I didn't say he was. I said he can't fix things with me if it's to fix things to get to you." A deep breath means their skin shimmers against her, and they ruch in, curling a leg over top of hers. "I'm not going to tell you what to talk to him about or not. I'm going to say that I don't want you to try to fix it. If he wants to fix it, he has to fix it, and not through you, or anyone else. I know that's not usual for you, and I know you want to fix it, but it has to be him."
There's clearly guilt there; Sigrun has known Teagan long enough to know the guilty 'I restarted an addiction' shift of their shoulders against her. "Okay." It's not the thing they've been saying to themself, clearly. "I would like that. I -- didn't want to -- " An exhaled snort through their nose.
At least it's not heroin. Sigrun wraps her arms around Teagan and pulls them into a tight squeeze of a hug. She presses a kiss to their forehead again in the midst of the squeeze, then eases off of the hug and props herself up onto an elbow. The little 'Okay' Teagan manages is rewarded with a sad, lopsided smile from Sigrun. She settles a hand on their cheek and shakes her head just a touch, "I know you didn't want to, that's another reason why I'm not upset. It's okay." Sigrun then begins to scoot herself lower on the bed, under the covers. Which is sort of humorous, because her glow doesn't really allow for her to disappear under covers even if she wants to.
And quite some time later, once they're both nice and relaxed, Sigrun flops out onto her back, stares up at the ceiling, and makes a miming gesture of holding a cigarette to her mouth, followed by a wordless thumb's up. Cigarette now, yes please.
As hard to quit, but arguably not as destructive. Legal, anyway. They curl up in her arms, soaking in the affection and attention when she squeezes them tight in her arms, but when she starts to scoot down under the covers -- they relax, and their laughter bubbles up again. She really can't disappear under the covers. It doesn't matter. No one's trying to find her but them, after all.
Loose-limbed and comfortable, Teagan nods their understanding of her miming and pushes up from the bed to fetch the cigarettes. Back to an even keel, at least internal to this particular dyad, and themself. Little sets Teagan to rights like Sigrun.
Sex optional.
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