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The Liacorus Center, commonly known as Temple Arena, is packed on Saturday afternoon, with contestants and the audience arranged in stands around the course which winds through the center of the athletics center. Metal scaffolding holds various and sundry obstacles above multiple pits of water, surrounded by heavy gymnastics mats, leading up to the spider climb tower.
The lights go down once, twice, as a warning, and then five minutes later, the theme song starts blasting through the speakers, echoing and filling the domed arena space. The energetic music melds with the sounds of the crowd cheering, rising to a near-deafening roar. Excited fans and locals wave signs and scream!
"Welcome to the finals for American Ninja Warrior Season Thirteen! I'm your host Matt Iseman, joined today by my co-host Akbar Gbajabiamila, and we are ready to start day three!" His voice rises above the crowd from the eagle's nest perch in which he's situated: two burly men in suits, one a very 'issued from central casting' white man in a navy blue suit, his black hair cropped short; Akbar, to whom Matt gestures, is almost exactly the same height as Matt, Black, with a neat goatee, a brilliant smile, and a sleek dove-grey suit.
"Matt, I am just so excited about the finals today. We have such an amazing and diverse group and I am so stoked to see what they do today! The Philly fans here are already cheering and so excited. Let's go to Zuri Hall down on the sidelines for an update on the finals course as we prepare to welcome today's first contestant!"(edited)
"Thanks, Akbar! Yesterday's course set the standard, but today's is prepared to challenge our ninjas to new levels." Zuri, a slim young Black woman with a waterfall of slim braids framing her face. "First, they'll have to make their way up an epic Salmon Ladder with fifteen rungs!"
The camera swings up to the tall tower which houses the Salmon Ladder suspended over a large pool.
"Next, our ninjas will make their way to the Falling Shelves, where both grip strength and finesse matter, especially on the last one, where they'll have to land with a reverse grip, then swing the shelf down and lock it into place before dismount. This is a brand new obstacle this year, so none of our ninjas have faced it before!" She continues to walk through the course, the camera following her as the audience tries to lean into frame, shaking their signs and screaming.
"Next is the Diamond Dash! This is similar to our Rib Run from yesterday, but even more perilous, and historically, events like this have been very difficult for all competitors, but especially our larger ninjas. Everyone will have to be quick and fast not to end up in the water, Matt!"
"That's right, Zuri," Matt interjects, "All of today's contestants made it through the Rib Run, though we did see The Sub-Zero Ninja struggle a little. It'll be interesting to see how she tackles this obstacle!"
Here they use the footage of Sturm almost landing in the water yesterday, as Zuri goes on, "That's correct, Matt! It should be interesting!" Someday, Zuri is going to snap and tell Matt to shut the fuck up and stop interrupting her on national television.
"Next, our ninjas will go to Slam Dunk, where they have to grab hold of handles on either side of a basketball, transfer, and then swing over and grab a second, and then a third. You know, I'll be interested to see how The Ginja Ninja handles those -- fan comments from yesterday have focused in not just on her incredible performance, but those wicked nails! They're just amazing!"
"Last, we've got the Mega Spider Climb, which requires our ninjas to climb up between two walls, fifty feet in the air. A platform ascends behind them for safety, but if they don't drop down to it, they'll be ringing their buzzer."
"Thanks, Zuri! And it's important to note that time does matter in this round as well, so it's going to be the fastest Ninja who hits a buzzer, and we hope to see more than one do so today!"
"That's right, Akbar. Let's go to the starting line for our finals, where we see The Sub-Zero Ninja preparing for her finals run!"
Sturm is already in place by the time the hosts of Ninja Warrior finish with their color commentary. As the camera pans in, she's doing the last set of her warm up stretches with a very determined look on her face. Honestly, she's pretty out of her depth here against her competitors, but she's ready to face the course none-the-less. She peels out of her workout hoodie -- which features Isabelle doing a deadlift squat on the back, and says "Mayor Don't Do Squat Around Here" -- and tosses it aside, revealing her sculpted muscles, pride-colored sports bra, and arm-spanning tattoos. She's wearing another very loud pair of leggings tonight that match her top. Boy howdy having a sponsor rocks, huh?
She rolls her shoulder, taking a ready position as she awaits the start of her run...
"An absolutely incredible athlete, as we saw yesterday in her first run. Very colorful today in her gear, and a fan favorite. And, Akbar, The Sub-Zero Ninja is dedicating her run tonight, as last night, to domestic abuse survivor awareness and the Elizabeth Ann Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, a local charity named after two women who tragically lost their lives to domestic violence."
"Such an important issue, Matt, and we are grateful to The Sub-Zero Ninja for bringing awareness to this issue with her run tonight. Now it's time for her to start her run. It's important to note that The Sub-Zero Ninja is our tallest competitor from this entire competition, at six foot eleven inches tall. She outclasses most of the NFL at that height -- just incredible!"
beep beep beep BOOP and the timer counts down. "And we're off! The first event, the Salmon Ladder, strength, inertia, and dexterity, because you want to land those bars evenly to not wear out your arms faster, Akbar, let's see how The Sub-Zero Ninja handles this... "
Sturm's something of a powerhouse -- especially as far as events like this one go -- so she takes to it like a... salmon to a waterfall. Perhaps there's a bit of nerve impeding her performance that stops her from excelling at quite the rate she might've otherwise, but her muscles flex and ripple in a way that clearly shows off her powerful physique, and will surely cause a landslide of awkward YouTube comments related to FemDom on video rips of this performance for years to come. Boom! Boom! Boom! All the way up the ladder she goes, hitting the fifteenth rung without even seeming to break a sweat.
As it turns out, all that conditioning she's been going through while training for her fighting career has done wonders. If anything about this course'll take her down, it sure won't be fatigue...
"Look at that POWER, Akbar! Just absolutely crushing the Salmon Ladder. She's setting the pace for our competitors here tonight!"
And certainly on the broadcast and in the livetweets, the thirst (especially the gay thirst) is so very real. #CrushMeSturm is probably trending in Philly, let's be honest.
"Incredible, Matt, just incredible. She moves like she was made for this course, but it's only going to get tougher from here. The Falling Shelves are nothing to sneeze at, especially that last transfer to the backwards grip!"
Falling Shelves, Schmalling Schmelves. Sturm hits the next part of the course like she's still a mobster, and it owes her a boatload of money. With a great leap, she lands on the first of the falling shelves, letting the momentum from her power and weight carry her forward without needing to stop. Boom! She hits the second shelf one-handed, and uses the force to fling herself onto the next one with the opposite hand. It's like she's an extra in Wonder Woman, or something, because she flings herself onto the safety of the next platform, and lands in that same hero-landing pose. What a fuckin' show off.
She stops for a brief moment to wink at June before moving on...
June's watching Sturm's performance from the sidelines with fascination. Because, you know, this is pretty damn hot. She has been cheering Sturm on all along, but when Sturm kicks the ass of the Falling Shelves she starts screaming and jumping. "Yeah Sturm! Keep it up! You got this, keep on going!"
The crowd freaks out at this, just screaming at the tops of their lungs, and the announcers are no different. "WHAT! DID YOU SEE THAT? WHAT IS GOING ON, AKBAR! WHAT AN INCREDIBLE MOMENT!"
"That's gonna go up there with The Ginja Ninja on the Log Roller yesterday for the highlight reel! INCREDIBLE! Amazing! Wow!"
It's not often that the announcers don't have anything salient to add and are just geeking out as hard as the crowd.
Tragically, for every Announcer-Destroying moment of Badassery, Sturm's abysmal dexterity score nearly does her in. Maybe pausing to wink at June instead of letting her momentum carry through the most difficult obstacle was a mistake, but who can say for sure? The first and second diamonds prove little to no trouble, but she places her foot just a little too far from the center as she hits the third, and nearly loses her balance. She falls, landing on the fourth diamond with (thankfully!) enough momentum to get her hands onto the edge of the next platform, and pull herself up just inches from falling into the drink. There's an absolute roar of exertion as she puts everything she has into pulling herself back to safety.
"Just an incredible powerhouse, Matt, wow! It's not often that we get star-struck, because we see an awful lot of incredible ninjas in this community, but someone handling the Falling Shelves one-handed is just... phew!"
"No kidding, Akbar. Let's see if she can carry that incredible performance forward into the next obstacle, Diamond Dash. Historically much more difficult for our larger competitors, and they don't make 'em bigger than The Sub-Zero Ninja! She'll need to be fast, and hit right in the center of each of those diamond-shaped platforms, because otherwise they will spin and spill her in the water!"
"Look at her tossing a wink to her friend, The Ginja Ninja! You just have to love the bonds of friendship in the Ninja Warrior Community.
"You really do, Akbar, you really do. Such great friendships with our ninjas and here she -- oh no, oh no!"
"But she makes it through! Let's watch that video and make sure she didn't disqualify herself with her foot hitting the water!"
A slow-motion replay of Sturm faceplanting, and indeed, she did not touch the water!
"And a roar from The Sub-Zero Ninja as she makes it through. We can confirm, Akbar, that she qualifies to move on to the Slam Dunk!"
Oof! Clearly that near miss took a lot out of her, because exhaustion seems to be setting in with rapid precision. Sturm hits the salmon ladder with all the thirst-inducing glory of her precious run, but the actual slam dunk portion of the obstacle is what seems to get her. She reaches the second-to-last rung of the objective, and the momentum stops. There's another roar as she just forces herself forward with every ounce of her strength. Thankfully her yawp is wordless, because with the way Sturm usually speaks, they'd definitely have to bleep like 3-to-4 seconds of audio.
She hits the mat with nowhere close to the level of showmanship that she tackled the falling shelves with, taking a deep breath to steel herself for the next challenge.
"Matt, I think you can see that The Sub-Zero Ninja is running out of steam, here."
"Can you blame her? This is one of the toughest courses that we've ever seen on American Ninja Warrior! But can you hear the crowd? She stalls, and they cheer her on!"
And indeed, she's got a single-syllable name, and the crowd loves their local heroes. Sturm's from Northeast, and nobody gets love (or hate) from a Philly crowd like someone who is truly from Philly.
STURM. STURM. STURM. STURM!
It sounds like thunder rolling through the crowd as they take up the chant.
"And she's through, Akbar, but you can see the strain on The Sub-Zero Ninja. Whether or not she makes it up the Spider Climb, she is truly a premiere competitor, just a tough, tough warrior."
"We do want to reiterate that The Sub-Zero Ninja is running today to bring awareness to domestic abuse survivors and The Elizabeth Anne Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Such an important cause."
"It really is, Akbar. Will she make it up the Spider Climb and be the first finalist to hit a buzzer tonight?"
Resting with her hands on her knees for a moment, Sturm takes a deep breath. Her eyes track up the truly massive spider climb, and she considers for a moment how much kinder it would've been on her muscles if the course asked her to do the warped wall. She shakes her head, pushing up from her knees and lightly slapping her cheeks with both hands to get her head back into the game. Court of Sorrow and Suffering, am I right?
Momentum isn't really on her side in this objective -- and neither is speed -- but speed was never Sturm's style, anyway. She won't be winning any timers here, but with a slow, steady determination she manages to climb, climb, climb, climb... and? Boom! She slaps her hand down atop the buzzer, and pulls herself up onto the final platform. She thrusts both fists up in victory, offering one final wordless scream. Honestly it'd be quite intimidating if someone threw that out during a fight. Good thing this isn't a fight, or everyone might be very intimidated. Nyeh.
"The Sub-Zero Ninja, really showing how difficult and tiring this finals course can be: slapping her face to get herself back in the game, as she faces down the Spider Climb!"
"Matt, sometimes we see the smaller competitors being quick on this, but The Sub-Zero Ninja counteracts that with leverage and the sheer determination for which the crowd absolutely loves her. Hear that chant? The Philly crowd loves their locals. The Sub-Zero Ninja has lived in Philadelphia all her life."
"Oh and a buzzer! Hear her roar! I tell you what, Akbar, I would not want to be going up against this professional fighter in the ring!"
"How you doing?" Akbar calls over to Sturm, grinning at her.
"But you made it!" Matt calls from across the way, up in the eagle's nest. "Incredible showing, Sturm. The crowd loves you!"
"First buzzer of the night! You are the woman to beat." Akbar laughs as Sturm smacks her hand over her face. "It is a tough course, and you conquered it! Go grab some rest, we've got The Ninjew up next!"
"That's right, Akbar! Running for the Philly Bail Fund and The Attic Youth Center, this local rabbi has a very devoted following here in Philadelphia!"
(It's Ziv. Ziv is the following. Other people too, but it's Ziv, in a different Pride bikini top than yesterday and another pair of Daisy Dukes, with their THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND sign, leaning over the guard rail at the edge of the course, screaming their head off.)
"He sure does, Matt! With the third-fastest time yesterday, he had an impressive showing. Let's see how The Ninjew holds up today!"
As Sturm descends from the towering platform, she makes a stop beside June and stoops to give her a little smooch on the cheek. Just an itty bitty one. For luck.
... and then she's gone, disappearing off towards the locker rooms.
MEANWHILE, Rieko is in the stands beside Ziv wearing her usual overalls and cowboy hat, and carrying a sign that says AND I'M THERE, SOMETIMES, TOO! She whoops loudly as they call out Aaron's stage name.
Aaron is all high-fives and congratulations for his fellow competitors, Sturm included when she passes him by. He heads out onto the course in a manner akin to his entrance the other day. Chewie is under arm, dressed as Gritty this time. A fluffy orange jacket and hood with two googly eyes on top and his wiry little face protruding from the front. He's wearing a Flyers jersey, himself, with the number 18 on the back and the name 'RABBI COHEN' on the back. His yarmulke is crocheted to look like a hockey helmet, complete with hangy downy ear flaps and, yes, another chin strap.
He sets chewie down on the sidelines and gives him the command to sit and stay, which he does, though his little tail is wagging a mile a minute. Aaron's tzit-tzit poke out from beneath his jersey as he squares up at the starting line to begin his run, offering the crowd a wave and then lifting his hands upwards in a 'pump it up' motion to get them going a little louder.
Ziv leans over and smooches Rieko while the camera is on them, because confusing Middle America is one of their favorite hobbies. There are stars in their eyes like never quite before, with Rieko there and Aaron about to compete? Help.
"Oh, and today the rabbi's companion, the fan favorite dog Chewda Maccabee, also known as Chewie, is dressed up as the Flyers mascot Gritty!"
"It's one of those things you just don't understand if you're not from Philly, I'm told, Matt, but I don't need to understand Gritty in order to think that Chewie is the cutest thing on four legs, or know why the fans love that pup!"
"Absolutely, Akbar! They just love him, and who wouldn't?"
"Time for The Ninjew to start his run. First he'll face the Super Salmon Ladder, with fifteen rungs!"
beep beep beep BOOP
Aaron jumps up to the bar and starts pumping his way up the wall step by step. Sometimes two steps at a go at first, though that pace eventually peters out around the half way mark. He makes it to the top with decidedly little effort, however, ending by hanging with one hand from the final set of hooks and the bar spanning between them and swinging himself over onto the platform to dismount. Once he's on safe ground, he dusts his hand off on his posterior and steps on over to the next obstacle.
SCREAMING. Lots and lots of screaming. And not all of it is from Ziv! Amazing!
"The Ninjew just taking off and tackling the Super Salmon Ladder! He's hiking himself up at a pretty good clip, check his time compared to The Sub-Zero Ninja and so far he's ahead of her, but you never know what's going to happen next, Akbar!"
"That's so true, Matt. The Falling Shelves are a brand new obstacle for all of our ninjas, none of them have had a chance to practice on this, or have even seen it before today. That last transfer is a doozy, since you have to reverse your grip."
"Yeah, and he's got a tough bar to clear for performance on this once, since The Sub-Zero Ninja just swung one-handed across the second two shelves!"
Once he's eyed the obstacles, he leaps out onto the first set of swinging arms and in one fluid kick of his legs, propels his body through to the second set which drops down sharply, a drop he manages to cushion with his arm strength alone, easing his body down to take much of the jarring out of descent. This does spend much of his momentum, however, so he has to swing his legs forward, then backwards, then forwards again to take a one handed grip on the final bar and monkey swing right through to the end in a single fluid motion. Not quite as showy as Sturm, but quick and efficient, and with a minimum of impact on his joints and body.
Aaron doesn't pause once he's come off the bars, he just starts a sprint and heads straight onto the diamond dash platforms. All those high steps when he played football pay off, because he basically floats across those platforms, using them more for forward momentum than downward force. Once he hits the middle, he just kicks up, windmills his legs, and stretches for it, coming down into a roll at the end, having more or less skipped the latter half of the platforms entirely. He rolls back up to his feet quickly and offers a wave on his way to the next obstacle.
"We do often see our heavier competitors struggling -- The Sub-Zero Ninja barely made it across this obstacle. We had to view the tape to be sure she hadn't been disqualified!"
"But you love to see it, Matt, when someone manages to pull out a save like that."
They briefly cut to the slow-motion replay of Sturm almost going in the drink, coming back as Aaron starts to go across the Diamond Dash.
"WOW! Man, that reminds me of football practice, Akbar, look how he keeps his knees high and -- WHAT A FINISH! The Ninjew just dives for the platform and skips two of the diamonds!"
"Such incredible athleticism, Matt, just smooth and ... just wow."
"I know. Now we're on to Slam Dunk, where he'll have to put those powerful arms to work!"
Once he's at the slam dunk, he jumps out onto the first ball and hangs there with arms just slightly bent. Then he kicks up and lunges out to the next catch for the ball. As his legs pendulum back, he tucks up slightly to swing forward with greater force and transitions to the second ball, heaves that up and out and drops it into the second ring much as he did the first. Then onto the third with that same pendulum action and quick release motion, leaving the third ball in the third hoop, and leaving him on the platform facing the final obstacle in the Spider climb. No problem, right? Whew. His arms have already gotten quite a workout from all of this, as the shaking of his limbs testifies as he tries to get blood back into them more rapidly.
"This is really a test of grip strength, balance, and speed, Matt, because if you slow down on Slam Dunk, it's really hard to get going again, especially at this point in the competition. You cannot slow down and you cannot stop."
"Precision, too, Akbar, which The Ninjew is displaying here as he makes that first transfer so perfectly. Your hands have to land at exactly the same time, because if that ball goes off-balance, you will fall."
"But he does not! Look at that smooth transfer, hopping the Slam Dunk ball across, keeping that pendulum action going, Matt!"
"And he's through! Shaking out his arms, you can really see how much stamina and endurance this course requires. Much more difficult than yesterday's, which is why it's our top four competitors."
"Speaking of our top four competitors, Matt, I am so sorry to say that we have had word that Artemis, The Goddess Ninja, will not be joining us in the finals. She sustained an injury yesterday and she and the trainers here decided it was best for her not to exacerbate that by competing today."
"Well we are sure sad to not see her perform again, she is truly a dynamic individual, and it's always fun to see the ladies outnumber the fellas on a course, Akbar. But that does mean The Phoenix Ninja takes that fourth slot, and he'll be up next."
"Indeed. Let's see how our current competitor, The Ninjew, takes on the final obstacle... "
Aaron's done his homework on this one, after just barely making it over the top of last night's wall. He kicks up his feet behind himself to wipe off the soles of his feet, rubs his hands together to clean them of grime and then rubs them on his thighs to get them slightly moist to make gripping the wall a little easier. Getting up is the trick, here. Getting up quickly is a secondary consideration. So only after that bit of prep does he step forward to engage the obstacle in earnest.
What follows is not spectacular or showy. It's methodical, studied, and precise. It speaks more to awareness of his body's size, strengths, and limitations than it does to showmanship or raw athleticism. He literally makes it look easy, the way the tortoise made beating the hare look easy. Not because it is easy, but because he just sticks to the plan and keeps on ascending like some sort of climbing machine. And once he's inevitably through the hole at the top of the climb, he flops out onto his back on the mat, chest heaving with exertion, feeling every one of his forty-four years.
Finally, he rolls over and up to his feet and raises his arms to the crowd, beaming a smile. Even if he doesn't win, he just achieved everything he came out here to do.
"And here he goes! Cleaning off his hands, getting ready for the run here, this is a test of stamina unlike any other, Matt. You cannot stop for a second on the Spider Climb, especially when it comes after all of these other challenging obstacles. The strain on your arms and legs cannot be overstated."
"But you know, Akbar, The Ninjew just makes it look easy. He's quick, but he does it by just taking this one second at a time, one motion at a time. Look how simple he makes it look -- and this obstacle is not simple. You're bracing yourself against the walls with your arms and legs and continually moving upward."
"Absolutely! And here he goes! Our second buzzer of the night! And Rabbi Cohen taking a bit of a breather here, Matt. He is our oldest competitor of the evening, but he stacks up against these kids!"
"He really does, Akbar. Let's see how his time compares... "
The big screens overhead show the scoreboard, flashing it up for the viewers at home as well: Aaron's time slots in above Sturm's, pushing her into second place. Rieko and Ziv? Lots of cheering. Siren do a big big screm.
"So that's The Ninjew taking over first place, and knocking The Sub-Zero Ninja into second! And we do want to reiterate that The Ninjew dedicated his run tonight to The Attic Youth Center and the Philly Bail Fund. Our Ninjas always back the most important causes. While The Ninjew catches his breath, we prepare to watch our next competitor, The Phoenix Ninja."
Artie trots his way out onto the platform. Yesterday he was Spider-Man, today his top sports the blue fuzzy stylings of The X-Men's Beast, the words the Real McCoy emblazoned in gold on the back. Yet anotger comic hero renowned for acrobatic prowess. It seemed the Phoenix was hoping to invoke these heroes like totems to make it through this challenge.
Pumping a single fist into the air, he swallows his nerves and smiles at the crowd hoping to pull in their faith in him and turn it into strength. He was definitely gonna need it.
"And he's got a different look today, Akbar. Yesterday The Phoenix Ninja was sporting a Spidey look, but I think today he's going for The Beast!"
"Well, these obstacles are beasts, so that fits! We do want to remind you that The Phoenix Ninja is dedicating his runs today to two important clothing-based charities in Philadelphia, the Philly AIDS Thrift and Career Closet. Both are focused on helping less-fortunate Philadelphians, and we have a lot of respect for The Phoenix Ninja for bringing awareness to both of these important charities."
"That's right, Akbar. And it's time now for The Phoenix Ninja to start his run!"
beep beep beep BOOP!
The skinny little twink hunkered down and leapt up to the bar, using the momentum to hop up to the second rung immediately. Then hop, hop, hop he was almost halfway when one side of his bar caught the lip and suddenly the kid was uneven dangling for dear life.
But he held on, pushing through to even back out. It was definitely a struggle but he persevered up to the tenth step when it happened again and still the Phoenix refused to fall. His face a mask of determination he quivered and evened out to make two final jumps and move on.
"We do sometimes see that some of our lighter competitors have an easier time with the Salmon Ladder, it's easier to move less mass upwards, Matt!"
"Absolutely, Akbar, and -- OH NO! The Phoenix Ninja's bar has not landed evenly! He's gone all cattywumpus, Akbar! Can he straighten out?"
"This is really the question, can The Phoenix Ninja straighten out, and then finish the Salmon Ladder?"
"And he does manage to get straight, and look at him go!"
Part of Artie wanted to yell out that he was never gonna be straight, but he was too busy trying to make it through to care. Instead he channeled that energy into the falling bars of the shelf letting timing and momentum carry him through to the next platform.
"And now he's on to the Falling Shelves! This is a tough one... "
The Art-man doesn't so much as pause as he swings off of that last Falling Shelf and leaps nimbly onto the diamond shaped pad and he looks feather light as he skip-hops his way through
"Incredible! Look at how he flows right on from the Falling Shelf on to the Diamond Dash. Not even a moment's pause, just using the inertia. He's light, and he hits every Diamond right in the middle, which keeps them from spinning!"
"Really amazing, Matt. Just an incredible athlete. While we are very much missing The Goddess Ninja, we are very glad to get an opportunity to see this performance from The Phoenix Ninja tonight!"
Planting his feet off of the Diamond dash, Arthur's eyes dart over and calculate his motions for this Slam Dunk. Cursing his luck to not be wearing his Spidet shirt now so he was color coordinated...
Whatever though, the Beast could do this with his feet so he'd conquer these balls. Up and it's his coordination that shines once more. His limbs in perfect sync as he snatches the handled orb and swings his feet to dunk his way forward once... Twice... Three times without pause to swing himself to the final obstacle
Pursing his lips one more time. Really... Spiderman shirt woulda been perfect! He shoulda upgraded to his Miles version. Bext time dammit.
But he lines up between those two walls, puts his hands out and he's off like a shot, zipping up the height like a monkey, higher and higher until...
BOOOOOOOOP! His hand slaps the buzzer with his body still inside the obstacle but time is everything.
Finally he clambers all the way up and stands again to grin and throw a fist into the air. "WOOOOO!"
"And we have our third buzzer of the night! These are just some incredible athletes showing us their very best!"
"Just incredible, Akbar. And the hometown crowd loves their ninja competitors!"
"The community really is the greatest!" The hosts wave to Artie as he goes off cheering, and they laugh in delight at his performance.
"Let's check our standings, Matt... " And the scoreboard flashes up on the big screen, with Artie's face sliding in between Aaron's and Sturm's, taking over second place.
"Now, our last competitor has been the one to beat this time, and a huge fan favorite. The tiniest of our competitors: The Ginja Ninja!"
Sturm, now wearing her hoodie again, joins the spectators on the side line so she can cheer for June proper-like.
June comes out as she's called, waving to the crowd and smiling her adorable smile. The same shirt (or a repeat one) is what she's wearing for a top, but her yoga pants are covered in Gritty faces. She stops to give Sturm a smooch on the way out. "Great job, babe," she beams at her partner. "I knew you could do it."
And then she's on her way to compete, where she gets to the salmon ladder and has to jump to even make it to the bar in the first place. If someone hadn't seen her compete they might think that's a bad sign, but then she just keeps going without hesitation. Jump, slam the bar into place. Jump, slam the bar into place. She makes it look effortless. She makes it look like anybody could do this, and not like it's actually pretty hard.
In moments she's at the top, where she raises her arms in victory.
Sturm doesn't swoon. Her composure is too powerful for that, but she does flush. Or maybe she's just still flush from competing. Who can say for sure?
... and she is clapping and cheering from the moment June grabs the bar, her screaming and hollering reaching a fever pitch as the little badass hits the top.
Ever seen the hosts get silenced?
Well, you have now.
Matt and Akbar stop for a moment, and then recover admirably. "Well that's really sweet!" Akbar offers, laughing. "Some love for The Sub-Zero Ninja from The Ginja Ninja!"
"... Yeah, Akbar, wonderful to see!" Possibly important parts of their brains just fused, but who's asking?
After the beeping and booping starts, they pick up their patter more fluidly again. "And here you see why The Ginja Ninja is such a favorite with the fans, Akbar, she's just so fluid! Absolutely tiny ninja, just four foot ten, but she has so much power and she's such a natural on these that you'd think she spends all her days just climbing everything in sight!"
"Absolutely, Matt. She finishes up the Salmon Ladder and heads into the next challenge, which may present more difficulty for her, as it's usually more difficult for shorter competitors in testing: Falling Ledges!"
There's a good reason why the Falling Ledges is hard for shorter people, but June was made for climbing. Even without using her claws, which definitely help, but would also leave some pretty suspicious damage on the equipment, she's an expert climber. When she leaps for the first of them she grabs on and doesn't lose her grip when it falls into position, just swings to get her momentum and launches herself cleanly to the next.
Really, this isn't one of those obstacles where there's a lot of room to show off, and she doesn't. It's just smooth sailing, effortless jumps, and a few seconds before she's at the other side of the obstacle, ready to move on. Before moving on, she does pause a moment to look for Teagan in the crowd and blow a kiss.
What? Is Teagan lurking in the crowd?
... well, of course they are. They've been lurking since Sturm's performance, just smugly watching their motleymates be awesome. And given Teagan's, um, appreciation of competence, there will be... let's say there will be smooches later.
Yeah. Smooches. That's the ticket. They grin back at June and blow a kiss back to her.
"Wow, Akbar! This rookie is going to be one of the American Ninja Warrior greats! She just makes it all look easy. I do want to note that The Ginja Ninja is not only a first responder, currently with her training ladder for the Philadelphia Fire Department, but she's also running today for Operation Honeybee, bringing awareness to the plight of honeybees and working to bring populations back up after colony collapse!"
"Just incredible, Matt, and we do love our first responders here on American Ninja Warrior. The Ginja Ninja makes this all look so easy, just so much flow as she goes through Falling Shelves. You would never think she was an inch shorter than any of the other competitors!"
"And I'm really shocked that she hasn't broken a nail! Those things are wicked!"
"For sure. And now she's blowing a kiss to her fans in the stands before going on to Diamond Dash!"
"Go June, Go!" Sturm whoops, wrapping a beefy arm around Teagan and jostling the heck out of them in her excitement. Whoo! Whooooooo!
The Diamond Dash is an obstacle where June is absolutely going to show off, and in dramatic fashion. This is a clip that's going to get an endless supply of views on Youtube, that's for sure. While the Diamond Dash isn't all that complicated an obstacle, just a matter of balance and an ability to jump far enough to land in the middle of the diamonds, June adds a certain flare to it.
When she heads for the course she picks up speed, and before reaching the end of her runway she goes into a front handspring, hits with her feet on the edge of the platform, and springs into the air with a forward flip, where she bounces, leaps toward the next diamond, comes down on her hands, and springs into the air again. Doing what amounts to a gymnastic routine across the diamonds, she lands on the last one with her feet, springs into the air again, and flips onto the platform at the far end, where she sticks the landing and raises her hands above her head. Then she grins, sticks her tongue out a little, and waves to the crowd as she moves on.
Now she's just showing off, for sure.
Sturm is just absolutely going berserk at this moment. Not literally, because people die when thay happens, but she is l o s i n g i t.(edited)
For someone who spent most of her life being underestimated by people, having people go wild over how talented she is feels pretty good. June seems pretty pleased with herself after succeeding with that last bit, but she moves onto the Slam Dunk with a renewed focus. This isn't an obstacle for showing off, this is just one for being efficient and making it to the other side with a good time.
Which is just what June does. She jumps up to the first ball and grabs on, careful with her claws, and hangs for a moment as she lines up for the hop across to the next ring. A swing back, then forward, and then the leap, and she plants the basketball in place. Another swing back, another forward, and she leaps to the next ball.
Nothing fancy here, just slow and steady, and then she's through. As she moves toward the Spider Climb she rubs her hands together and doesn't play anything up for the crowd, this time. This one's going to be a bit tougher, for someone her size.
"Boy, Akbar, I gotta tell you, when you see someone who makes it look as easy as The Ginja Ninja does, it really brings home how much skill goes into the performances of these incredible athletes."
"Absolutely, Matt. Just look how smooth and confident she is, maneuvering from one to the next. Nothing showy this time, she's not doing a gymnastics routine across Slam Dunk, but as quick as she's been going, really all she's got to do is keep this time and she will displace The Ninjew and win this season of American Ninja Warrior!"
"But she's got to keep up that pace, and Spider Climb is not an easy event for someone as little as she is. I have to say again, four foot ten is going to make this difficult... "
In the stands, while others around them whoop and holler, Teagan's just grinning at this point. After all, when they met June, she fell off a tree branch, and the first time they spent the night at her place, she tripped on a blanket. This is a long, long way from Very Clumsy June...
June moves into the chute for the spider climb and pauses to look up, hand cupped above her eyes, then she glances at the audience, points one finger up, and shrugs before flashing a grin.
And then she's off, and really, the spider climb's walls aren't that far apart. It's not enough to be a real stretch even for June, although she has to stretch a bit further than some people would, and in this case her lighter weight ends up being a benefit, since the friction her shoes provide has less weight to hold up. She shimmies up the chute without trouble, and when she gets to the top she pulls herself up onto the platform next to the buzzer with ease.
Instead of just reaching over and smacking the button, she plants a hand on it, flips her feet into the air, and goes into a one-armed hand-stand on top of the buzzer, where she stays for a moment before dropping back down and raising her hands in a final victory pose, fists pumping in the air a bit.
"And here she goes! Despite her small stature, she really is making great time up this chute. If she doesn't slow down at the top, she will beat The Ninjew's time!"
"And that would make her the winner of the thirteenth season of American Ninja Warrior! Just shimmying up there as the crowd goes absolutely wild, Matt!"
"She's going, she's going, and -- of course she can't just HIT the buzzer, Akbar, she's gotta show off, and this time will make her the undisputed winner, here on American Ninja Warrior!"
"June Desrochers! You just won a hundred thousand dollars! What are you going to do with all that cash?"
June stops playing to the crowd when she's addressed by Matt and Akbar, who she gives a giant grin to as she answers them. "I'll be donating it to a couple of charities. Some of it will be going to Project Honeybee," and she gestures to her shirt. "But the majority will be going to local charities that serve under-privileged communities in the Philly area. I might also buy a cheesesteak, I guess." Then she turns to shout to the crowd "I LOVE YOU PHILLY!"
"A true champion for the ninja community!" laughs Akbar. "And that's it for season thirteen!"
Of course, there will be interviews with the finalists and the like, but for now? They cut to commercial.
And we fade to black.
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