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Fox: hello it is Fox, you are my tribe, I am therefore checking in on you
Mearcstapa: hello fox. i am preparing for vacation. the funeral for the person who stabbed lux was today. i got to see her body burning.
so i think i am doing alright, for the moment?
Fox: I'm glad she's dead, I would have liked to bite her in half but I'll accept that she burned
have you said kaddish and do you feel it necessary
Mearcstapa: her head was severed from her body. so someone halved her for you, but didn't do the math right. and i have not said kaddish. i think there were only two of us there who were jewish at the funeral.
Fox: well fractions are fractions, I'll accept that. Nobody stabs one of my Best Friends and stays undivided
do you feel it's necessary
for you, not her
Mearcstapa: i don't know. i am not a very good jew these days.
Fox: that's not very relevant to the question of whether you feel like you ritually put this matter behind you, i don't think
I eat pork when I'm a fox, and the Sages can come fight me if they think that's not OK
Mearcstapa: ritually putting the matter behind me has been a matter of burning bodies and taking trophies. which probably sounds gruesome, in OR out of context, but i am what i am.
Fox: you've seen my teeth
I understand
Mearcstapa: i have seen your teeth. i thought about asking, but that wasn't the time or the place, and then you were upset and i didn't know you well enough to know what to do about it.
Fox: it's a thing from the kind of work I do and have done on myself. The more work I do in expanding who I am and becoming better at bringing back new experiences for my tribe, the more that leaves its mark on me
if I stopped it would go away
and yeah Leta and I had to have a Conversation
Mearcstapa: ah. shit, i'd almost forgotten abbott has a first name. we never use them with one another.
are you two okay now?
Fox: we are. I thought she was jealous of my family, because it's been around for a long time but she is connected only to me and that's very new?
but she had taken me as someone who doesn't connect permanently to people and thus had thought the only thing on the table was temporary and surface
I wander but I always go home
Mearcstapa: i think my partners and i are a little like that. we're one another's safe harbor, at the end of the day.
is there anything you want brought home for you from hawaii? i don't know how well to package experiences...
Fox: that scans
pictures are good
ummmm
bring me a rock or a shell that I couldn't get here
a shell would be nice
or some wood from a tree that doesn't grow here
Mearcstapa: i can do that for you. a nice shell. and maybe some volcanic rock?
Fox: yee
wood has special resonance for the kind of Mage I am too
Mearcstapa: can do wood. i'll find something nice for you.
or not nice in a cool or interesting way.
Fox: yes!!!!!
sometimes the things that aren't nice are the most important
Mearcstapa: you have to make sure the city doesn't blow up while we're away, though. :P
Fox: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/521423591833862144/719811466064035920/unknown.gif
Mearcstapa: thank you. i am a little scared at the idea of being 'off duty', honestly.
i am scared that if i am not being useful, i am worthless. it's a badbrain thing.
Fox: hmmmmmm. Am I allowed to address that badbrain?
Mearcstapa: thank you for asking first. yes, you are allowed, provided you're willing to stop if you hit me too hard.
Fox: I would be a shitty shaman if I kept hitting you when you were down, that's not how it works
anyway
the need to be useful is a lie that the modern world tells us about our value. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that whatever made you what you are now only reinforced that usefulness = worth, and increased the badbrain
but that's because that usefulness = worth is a lever that the world installs in people to make them question their inherent and unalienable worth as infinite universes of unspeakable beauty
that lever was installed in you to control you
so when that voice says "if you stop, you're worthless," give that voice a name
and recognize that is a lever someone put in you to control you
and whether that name is your mother or a teacher or your boss in a Bad Place
name that lever
and tell it no
Mearcstapa: i used to be worse at being a person than i am. that lever is something that remains from when i was a protocol instead.
Fox: I rest my case. Give that lever a name and tell it no. It has no control over you anymore.
you are free.
Mearcstapa: i am free. to recline when i eat, and to dip twice.
Fox: exactly
Mearcstapa: and to wear sunscreen. heh, thank you for your insight, you are very wise.
Fox: it's hard won wisdom
I earned the freedom to not give a shit about pants, so now I give that to others as often as I can
Mearcstapa: mm. if you are ever in my home, fox, you are welcome to wear pants or not wear pants as pleases you.
Fox: kickass
once you've been a field of grass or a growth of mushrooms, clothing seems rather silly except as a fun thing
Mearcstapa: that reminds me, i need to pack my sparkly hairclips. i promised lux i'd wear them on vacation for the fun of it.
i feel like you'd understand, i'm learning to throw away biases that are a holdover of toxic masculinity. i like my hair long, and i want to wear pretty things in it.
Fox: you definitely need to remember to pack those! And if you want your hair to grow faster or whatever, I can help. It's important to take steps that make you happy in the body you're in and toss out those harmful levers of gender roles
I used to be a boy and now I'm not
Mearcstapa: that's fair. i'm pretty sure i'm a boy. i'm just tossing some of the societal rules about what that means, because they aren't fun.
i'm not sure yet how long i want the hair or nails to end up, though. for now, the slow road is okay. though if you ever want to play with it, that might be cool?
Fox: the rules are usually there to control people unless the rules are there to make people not get hurt
fling them out a window
I love playing with people's hair!
Mearcstapa: i'd offer to play with color, too, but i'm not sure you can affect the color i see it as, just the mask.
maybe. worth experimenting.
Fox: ... we can find out
that would be A NEW EXPERIENCE
Mearcstapa: if we do it in a soccer field or something in the dead of night, i can drop my mask. someplace very outdoors and away from doors.
Fox: why are doors important
I know lots of places away from doors
Mearcstapa: because dropping my mask makes nearby doors stop leading to where they go properly. which is Bad.
Fox: ohhhh THOSE doors ok
yup yup there are cool forest areas
we can fly there if you want! Or run! I'm supposed to make Lux a fox sometime
Mearcstapa: i'd say make me a panther, but that might be a little on the nose.
Fox: I could do that
it's not hard for me
Mearcstapa: we'd need to make sure no one saw us, though. panthers aren't native.
Fox: that's not that hard either. People don't look up. Also we could just be crows until we were out of the city. Flying is SO FUN.
Mearcstapa: i think that would be cool. or a hawk?
Fox: hawks are fun! I like being crows and owls and I haven't been a hawk in at least a couple of weeks
Mearcstapa: i haven't ever flown, so i'm up to try anything. :)
Fox: it's SO FUN
Mearcstapa: anyway, i need to get a little sleep before we go to the airport. but thank you for checking in. you are my people too, if i am your tribe.
Fox: go get some sleep. If you're where Lux is, I'll be over shortly. They've been having trouble sleeping and I'm coming over for like 5 minutes to balance their limbic system and trigger their autonomic sleep function
because trying to hit the airport underslept and go to Hawaii sounds hellish
and yes, you're my tribe, so take care of you
Mearcstapa: i will. you be safe.
Fox: I'll do my best! 🦊!
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