|
Tahmina is home, as she confirmed that she would be when Finley texted her to check on coming over. There's her car in the driveway, and the usual set of inviting lights on along the path to the front door, on the porch, and inside. The curtains are pulled but they're just sheer enough to stop the house from being a fishbowl, not enough to stop the warm glow of the living room's lights from showing through.
Family is invited to just come in, rather than bothering to knock, and Tahmina is reading on the couch in the living room just off the entry, in pajamas; a rarity for her and probably a hint that she didn't expect to see anyone again tonight, but also that she's comfortable enough with Finley's arrival not to feel the need to change into something else. Just pajamas covered with playing puppies.
Even though Finley doesn't have to knock, zhe still does. Zhe doesn't wait for a reply though--just a light knock-knock as they push open the door and peek inside. Zhe slips inside and closes the door behind zhem, pausing to blink at Tahmina in surprise to see her looking so casual. But it's kind of a relief, really. Still, zhe looks... nervous. And guilty. Zhe removes zher mask as they move into the living room, tucking it away into zher pocket. "Hey... Um. Thanks for letting me come over..."
Tahmina looks up at the sound of the knock and then smiles, bright and welcoming as is her wont. She closes her book immediately, a bookmark in place, and leaves it on the couch as she gets up and heads over to Finley. Before saying anything she wraps zhem in her arms in a firm, warm embrace. "What's wrong, my little Finley?" she asks with tender concern, like she knew immediately that there was a problem, and she intends to do what she can to help.
Finley slumps into her embrace, thin arms lifting to hug her back, zher head dipping to press into her shoulder--comfort and hiding zher face. "I messed up..."
Tahmina cradles Finley close to her and rubs zher back with one hand. "Oh sweetie. I'm sorry," she says. "Do you want to tell me about it? Or do you need help?"
"I've... handled it. Just..." A shudder runs through zhem, but as they currently aren't Blushed, zhe doesn't actually start crying. "I killed two people, Tahmina. I'm sorry. I know I was supposed to be better, that I wasn't supposed to hurt people anymore--but I was just so angry and they were hurting my best friend and I lost control..."
Tahmina's arms squeeze a little more firmly. "Oh no. My poor dear." She steps back and reaches for zher hand. "Let's sit down and you can tell me, but remember: being better is a process. We should try to be better, but it's a thing we constantly strive for, not a thing we achieve and stop working on. Do you think I haven't screwed up and killed people before?"
"No, but..." Clearly its different with Tahmina, right? But zhe nods, pulls back, keeping zher eyes downcast rather than looking at her. But zhe takes her hand and moves with her to the couch, sitting down beside her.
"I... have... this friend. They're normal--ish. Um. Human, but... psychic..." Zhe rubs zher arm, looking guilty again. "They know what I am and--they're my best friend anyway. I know I'm not supposed to tell but I really do trust them not to tell anyone or do anything bad. They're good with secrets. And they knew about weird things in the world already anyway, so..." Zhe glances briefly at her, checking to see how disapproving she looked at the confession. "But... they're... involved with some bad people. Um. Like--gangs and stuff. Thats who attacked them..."
Tahmina sits and then tries to pull Finley into another embrace, willing to hold and comfort zhem as they talk. There's no sign of disappointment or anger on Tahmina's face, only worry, and as usual she listens as if what's being told to her is the most important thing in the world to her right now. "Do they know the dangers if they start talking about what we are?" she asks, but the tone suggests she's expecting the answer to be yes, and it's rhetorical. "You hurt people trying to protect someone you care about?" Less rhetorical.
Finley bobs zher head quickly. "I've talked to them about it, and warned them what could happen if they told anyone." Finley doesn't pull away from the embrace, curling up against her. "Yeah. There were a bunch of them--and I scared most of them off. But there were two left and my friend was getting really hurt and... I was hungry by then, from scaring the others off. When I... came back to my senses, they were..." Zhe grimaces. "I had a mage friend help me get rid of any evidence, but I... I still did it.."
Taking her role as the mother for her family seriously, Tahmina cradles Finley and makes soft, soothing noises as she listens. "You frenzied, angry about the danger that someone important to you was in," she says. "I can understand that. What do you think you would have done differently if you hadn't lost control?"
Zhe's quiet a moment, thoughtful. Zher eyes still focused downwards. "I probably would have tried to scare them away too."
Tahmina nods, not arguing or trying to convince zhem of anything, just trying to provide comfort and occasionally ask questions. "A solid Nosferatu approach to a problem like that," she says. "But you lost control, and had the option taken from you, right? Which part of that bothers you the most?"
"I don't... feel guilty. Not like I should. I know it was bad but--mostly I just think they deserved to die, and it felt... good to protect my friend," zhe says softly. "But my beast has been louder since it happened. People are even more creeped out around me. I don't... I don't feel as human. I feel... more like the monster he tried to make me into." Zher eyes close. "I worked so hard to get better and be better, and I ruined it."
Finley is referring to zher sire, of course.
"Ah," Tahmina says like she understands the crux of the issue now, and maybe she does. She gently combs fingers through Finley's hair as she lets out a sigh. "That's a challenge, and one whose magnitude I'm not equipped to understand in the same way that you do, but I've also struggled with holding the Beast at bay. You've taken a step back, but you haven't lost, Finley. You only lose when you give up. That's how you end up like some the monsters we try to make unwelcome in Philadelphia."
"I'm not giving up," Finley murmurs, calming a little at the touch. "But I don't... know what to do. My friend says that more people will come after them, probably--they'll think they killed those gangsters and want to retaliate. I don't want to loose more of myself. But I don't want them to get hurt, either, because of something I did. And I don't want to just... stay away, either. They're the only thing that still makes me feel human anymore. They ground me. Can even talk me out of frenzy, sometimes... But... being around them is risky now."
"I can give you some guidance on ways to prevent a repeat of that frenzy, or on how to better hold onto your humanity in the face of acts like that," Tahmina starts replying, still holding Finley like zhe is actually her child. "I think what you really want to know is what to do about your friend, though. If you stay away from them they're not going to be in any less danger, are they? Gangs aren't really something I'm experienced with."
"I'd... like that," zhe says with a heavy sigh. "I've been frenzying a lot, lately. I need to get better at controlling myself..." Zher head lifts a little to look up at her, nodding. "Yeah... They'll still be in danger."
"The Mystery of the Wyrm isn't one of my areas of study," she admits. "The Coil of Ziva is, and it prepares us to buttress our souls against the things that wear upon them. We could also work on exercises of will that might help you maintain control, or meditation techniques that will help keep your mind quiet. But how do we help your friend?" She smiles at zhem. "Can you convince them to go into hiding, or otherwise get them out of harm's way?"
"Meditation might be good..." Zhe's quiet a moment, thoughtful. "The Coil of Ziva... will help stop me from completely becoming a monster? Maybe I--that might be good, to learn. And I'd like learning from you..." Zhe hesitates. "Maybe. I could try to convince them to lay low for a while. They're... pretty stubborn, though. I don't know how to help either, otherwise. I don't know anything about gang stuff."
"Eventually," Tahmina explains. "With a couple of coils learned. It's also how I freed myself of the Daeva clan's curse, and don't get obsessed with people I feed from repeatedly." She smiles. "I would be happy to teach you if you're interested in learning." She squeezes again with the arm she's still holding Finley with and stops combing fingers through zher hair. "I wish I had better advice to offer you on keeping your friend safe. The people I turn to for safety are the Sworn of the Axe, if I can't deal with the situation myself."
"I'll learn." Finley nods. "It's okay. I don't expect you to fix everything. I just... I guess I just wanted reassurance that I don't have to break all ties with them in order to be better or something?" Zhe's quiet a moment. "Maybe I should talk to Guy about the gangs..."
"Do you think you would be a better person for abandoning someone who you have such a strong connection with they can talk you out of a frenzy?" Tahmina asks.
Finley hesitates, then sighs out a soft huff. "Well... when you put it like that... no."
Tahmina laughs and turns to kiss Finley's forehead. "I think you already knew the answer, and you just wanted someone to tell you that you were right. I don't mind that. I'm here for you."
Zher head dips again, looking sheepish. "I guess you're right. I just don't really trust my own judgement, right now."
"Second guessing yourself after you make a mistake is normal," Tahmina points out to zhem. "You need to remember to control it, that's all. Use it to look at what happened and what you can do to prevent it from repeating. It's not making mistakes that's necessarily the problem. It's when you don't learn from them, and keep making the same ones."
Finley stares at her for a moment, then nods slowly. "You're not too disappointed in me, are you...?" zhe asks in a soft voice.
"No," Tahmina says firmly. She shakes her head. "You made a mistake and then you asked for help. I'm sorry that the mistake cost people their lives, but you made it in the defense of someone else."
Finley's shoulders sag, a clear weight lifted off of zher shoulders. It's obvious how much Tahmina's opinion means to them. Zhe leans in again, wrapping zher arms around her to hug tightly, pressing zher face against her shoulder. "Thank you..."
Tahmina hugs Finley to her. "You're welcome, of course. You're family, and I'm here whenever you need me. Just let me know if you need anything."
"I will." Zhe stays leaned against her a moment before pulling back to rub at zher eyes--being dead means no tears, but it's more a psychological thing than anything. "What do I need to do, to prepare to learn the Coil of Ziva?"
Tahmina gives zhem a gentle smile and reaches out to rub one of the zher cheeks with a thumb, like she might if there were actually a tear to wipe. "That's a complicated question. Ziva is considered heresy in many Academies, you should know. It can land you in trouble if you know it, depending on where you go."
Zher brows crease, surprised and troubled. "Why...?"
"It's considered apostasy," Tahmina explains with a slight roll of the eyes that says what she thinks of that. "An effort toward devolution away from the perfected predator form that some of the Ordo Dracul aspires to, in order to be more human."
"Oh." Zhe frowns, but nods faintly in understanding. "I... I want to be more human... I understand. I'll take that risk. I don't plan on going anywhere. Philly is my home."
"I thought you might," she says. "I know I'm never going to be fully human again, but it doesn't mean I can't strive to be the best person I'm able to be. Good thoughts, good words, good deeds as my faith teaches me."
Zher head tilts. "Is that how you learn it? By doing and thinking good things?"
"No," Tahmina says with a gentle laugh. "Ziva is actually the name of a Slavic goddess, and nothing to do with Mazdayasna. I don't know why it's named after her for certain, aside from the fact that she's a goddess of health and life. I'll give you some reading that you can start with for learning the coils, though."
"Okay." Zhe smiles softly, leaning back in to curl up against her again. "Thank you, Tahmina. You always make me feel better. Is... it okay if I stay here, for a while?"
"As long as you need, Finley," Tahmina says as she hugs zhem close again. "Whenever you need. Do you want me to make sure the guest room is ready for you to stay for the day?"
|