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Simone has a cute little house that's one side of a duplex, with a cute little yard that probably looks a lot nicer once spring comes and things grow back in. There's not really a lot that makes her house stand out from the others on the street, with the possible exception of being the only house on the block with a mezuzah hung at the front door.
Fox has a key, could probably let herself in even without one, and is always welcome, but she's also expected, today. Simone is currently in the kitchen mixing the batter for banana bread and singing. There's no music playing, just her own voice, strong and clear, in the middle of a song.
...levone dayn refue
zi nemt dayn guf, zi nemt dayn kop,
zi shnaydt fun dayne hor a tsop
un tsit fun moyl arop a haleluye
She seems pretty lost in what she's doing, but not so lost that she's unaware of the world around her, and certainly a lot more normal than she was the other night.
She's got to be used to, at this point, Fox just ... showing up. Probably she's less used to... bees? How did a swarm of bees get into her house? (They came in as ants, and then became bees. The ants did make a stop at the mezuzah, though.) Regardless, the low buzzing of a swarm curls up from the basement, and then the bees climb out under the basement door before swirling upwards into a sister-shape. And then they're not just a sister shape but a sister!
"I love that translation," Fox offers, leaning against the kitchen doorframe. "Daniel Kahn is so good at translating intention as well as literal meaning." She's wearing shorts and a t-shirt, no matter how cold it is outside. Today's t-shirt says FAYGELE across the front -- literally 'little bird' but colloquially similar to 'faggot' in Yiddish -- decorated with little birds in rainbow colors. And now I have to design that shirt. Dammit.
It no doubt says a whole lot about her life the last few years that Simone barely blinks at the bees coming out of her basement and then turning into her sister. Certainly there's a moment of alarm, but the second that the bees start acting in a way that doesn't seem normal for bees she just goes on to assume it's Fox being Fox, and that they'll be talking soon enough. It only really succeeds in getting her to stop singing, due to being startled out of that mindset rather than because she's embarrassed to be caught singing. Why would she be embarrassed? Her voice is beautiful.
"So do I," she agrees in Ladino as she turns off the mixer, wipes her hands on her apron, and then slips it over her head so that she doesn't get food all over Fox during the hug that follows. Once the apron is on the counter she offers said hug. "I love that t-shirt," she says. "I kind of want one, actually. Where did you get it?"
She buzzes in the back of her throat, stretches her hands out and wiggles her fingers, waiting for the hug. It's nice to not have to reach up to hug someone, for one thing.
Fox's hugs are warm, full-person things. She leans her head against Simone's, makes a content sound in the back of her throat which resonates in her chest, and rocks back and forth a little. "Oh, online somewhere. Lesja does this thing where she sort of ... tunes out and plays Spin The Google Ad with Fate. I spend Zoya's money on ridiculous t-shirts, a lot of which are auto-generated by computer. You get some funny weird stuff when you feed Fate into that."
She releases the hug and leans back a bit to look Simone in the eye. "How are you? Whatcha making?"
In comparison, Simone hugs Fox like she's partly convinced every time is going to be the last time. Her sister's presence in her life is something she took for granted and lost once. Never again. Her hugs are never casual, careless things any more. They're something Simone is always fully present for. "In other words, good luck tracking down another one?" she asks, before finally pulling back from the hug while she laughs. "Fortunately I'm an Acanthus, so good luck is my specialty."
She's smiling when their eyes meet. "I'm doing... alright? I guess? I've worked out a how to ease whatever is going on in my head temporarily, but I'm also really aware that I'm basically cleaning my room by pushing all the toys under the bed, you know?" Something that she kept trying when she was little, even though it never worked. "But I'm making banana bread. I was just about to put it in the oven."
"Oh I'm sure I can find where I bought it. Or rather, I'll ask Zoya and she'll find it in the credit card records." Fox waves her hands in the air, rather efficiently indicating that this is, as far as she is concerned, some sort of strange alchemy and possibly a form of Archmastery. Finances! Money! Like she's worried about that anytime at all in the past fifteen years? No.
"I do know. I know a lot of people like that. But. I think as long as you know that and you deal with it eventually, you'll be okay. You just can't make 'eventually' too far in the future." Fox leans lazily. "Yes, please," is her whole opinion on banana bread, accompanied by a sharp-toothed smile.
"Finances, computers, and paperwork! Some of the most forbidden of arcana. Mysteries that defy ordinary understanding, practiced only by a daring few." Simone laughs while going back to working on the banana bread, which at this point only means pouring batter into loaf pans. There are any number of reasons why she became an artist and not any of the many other things their parents would have preferred, and a complete lack of enjoyment of many of the things that go into those career paths is a big part of it.
"I feel like I'm taking the easy way out, and know that it might come back to bite me in the long run. Like you say, I just have to make sure the run isn't long. I know that when I wake up I can clear my own head with Mind, and I'm fine until I fall asleep again. A hung spell, conditional on my waking up, and I don't even need to worry I won't have enough clarity of mind when I get up to take care of things. But it's a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches, isn't it?" Meanwhile, the pans have been filled and slid into a pre-heated oven.
A snort from Fox, then. Her degree is in business management, after all, and she worked in advertising before her Awakening -- the job which took her to Russia was the expansion of an ad company into the Slavic world after the collapse of the Soviet Union. It seems so far away now, like something that happened to someone in a different life, or in a movie. In a way, it was, after all. "And even those who know its secrets often run away from the twisted labyrinths those disciplines create," she answers with a broad grin.
"It is." This admission comes in a softer voice, one that tries to be reassuring, but probably isn't nearly as reassuring as it would really like to be. "But you need to bandage a wound to keep yourself from bleeding out until you can get the attention on it that it deserves, and requires." Fox scratches her cheek absently. "I've been talking to Agoston. He used to be Balm's Familiar, before she -- " And then she clears her throat. "Before."
"This is... kind of what happens, when people are called to be Dreamspeakers. I mean. That doesn't mean that's what it has to be, but it means it might be that."
Simone's laughter when her sister plays along with her silly antics is as joyful as it ever was, before everything that's happened to them. It's a few seconds that transport her back to a different time in their lives, and she holds onto the joy of that even when the moment has passed. "Beware that, when hunting financial transactions, you yourself do not become a financial transaction... for when you gaze long into the accounts, the accounts gaze also into you," she says in a spooky voice, while wiggling her fingers ominously at Fox.
She doesn't let go of the joy of that moment even when the topic turns more serious. "I didn't get a chance to know Balm as well as I would have liked. Barely at all. I had too much of my own things going on. I'm not even sure what it means to be a Dreamspeaker. Can you tell me anything?" She sets the timer on the oven and then gestures toward the living room. "Should we go sit down while we wait for this to bake?"
"Legitimately, you are describing part of my Mystery Play," Fox laughs, shaking her head. The delight in her eyes has a slightly sad edge to it, like frost on the edge of a windowpane, but she skips on from that for the moment.
Stepping out of the way, she waits for her sister to lead, and then pads off barefoot towards the living room, flinging herself onto the couch with a bellyflop. It takes her a minute to say anything. "Well, I mean, I only know what I know from the outside, you know?" She props her chin on the backs of her hands, laying on her stomach down the couch, and absently scratches the back of her calf with the toes of the opposite foot. "I do know that like... pretty much no one ever tries to join the Dreamspeakers just because. The Dreamborn, these entities, they, like... choose people. And they choose people, generally, that come from very, uh, community-oriented traditions or cultures." Here she just raises her eyebrows at Simone, as if that requires no further explanation. "Some people do become Dreamspeakers by choice rather than by calling, but I know there are very few of them. I asked, because, who knows where the world leads, right?"
"And like... Balm almost died, during an incident when the Tree was destroyed, and then... was Shifting-Sands back into being by Leta, she undid it. So I made a point of talking to her about her life. I found out that like... a lot of Orphans of Proteus philosophy and Dreamspeaker philosophy is very similar. We're two of the only Legacies that predate Atlantis."
"Would you be willing to tell me about that some time? Your Mystery play, I mean? I'd love to compare notes, as well as catch up on so many more of the things the Lie meant I couldn't be part of your life for." Simone takes Fox's hand and leads the way to the living room, then let's go to spend a moment cleaning up the array of sketch books and other supplies that didn't get cleaned up earlier, so there's room to sit. They just get cleaned up by being piled on the coffee table.
"Entities. So lacking in specificity. I wish I knew what they wanted from me. Or why me, at all." She flops into the sofa and puts her feet up, with her head resting on the arm. "It can't just be because I'm community oriented or whatever, right? So are lots of people. But I find it hard to believe we were both accidentally drawn to ancient traditions, either."
"Yeah. Um. Actually."
She shifts her shoulders and looks off into the near distance, chewing on her lower lip with those pointy little vulpine teeth of hers. "So there's something I need to tell you. And. Things we need to talk about. And I'm scared."
She pulls in a breath. "You didn't do anything wrong, but it's, like. Big. And it might upset you. And I'm sorry if it does, because it upsets me too."
Simone lifts her head to look at Fox, instead of at the ceiling. Hearing that Fox is scared means she sits up the rest of the way, then slides over and holds her hands out so that Fox can take them if she wants. The worried gaze of her eyes catches for a moment on the inhuman teeth, but it just seems to make her smile.
"A lot of things upset me, that's just life," she says. "Being upset by a situation doesn't mean I'm angry at you. Just remember that, okay? You're my sister, and I love you so much, and I'm so glad to have you in my life again, but I don't just love you because you're my sister. I love you all the more because of the person you've shown yourself to be since you came back into my life. I doubt any upset will change the core truth there. Whatever it is, I think we'll get past it."
Fox sits up so that Simone can take her hands, and she takes a deep, shaky breath. Her hands squeeze on her sister's, and she nods her head once, firmly. She's fearless in the face of so many things, but whatever this is? She's genuinely scared.
Foxes run and hide, they don't face danger down. Every muscle in her body strains against the urge to run and hide under something.
"Do you know what an Internal Awakening is?"
Simone only starts looking scared because Fox is, but she's also determined and confident, and tries to maintain that face and not a frightened one.
"It's okay," she says. "Everything is going to be fine." She shakes her head. "Not specifically. Tell me?"
She takes in a deep breath. Her eyes close, and she's clearly gearing up to something, straightening her spine, stiffening her resolve. Fox's hands squeeze tightly on her sister's. "Okay." A hard swallow, and her eyes stay closed. "An Internal Awakening is the ... technical term... for an Awakening which alters something about the Awakened. Usually but not always something about the person's body. A paraplegic finds her spinal cord healed, for example, or... someone who has always had brown eyes finding their eyes blue after their Awakening. And... more than that... the universe has changed around them, so that this change always was. So if you were, for example, a trans woman, you might Awaken to a body which always had the default equipment that you dreamed of having."
"But what starts out as a fucking dream ends up as kind of a nightmare for a while, because after you wrestle with the idea of 'are you really even trans anymore' and before you realize you're genderfluid anyway, you realize that the person who was most there for you, even though she was in a different country when you started transitioning, won't remember it at all. She'll just remember that you... were always her sister. She won't remember how much you fucking struggled, she won't remember... the Purim costumes which were... you know, a way of expressing it, and how she knew before you did. Any of it. It's all gone, for her. It never was. And to her, you were never ... a stupid shit who took her goddamned life in her hands when she started transitioning when she was working in fucking Russia, of all things." Her eyes squeeze closed tight, tears leaking out of their corners. "I couldn't tell you. I couldn't look you in the eye and know that you didn't know, and that I couldn't explain it to you, Zuskeit."
And now Fox opens her eyes, pulls in a sharp, short breath. "My birth name wasn't Avigail. Not in the world that I remember. Not in the life that I remember living. It was David. David Solomon Gratz."
Simone listens for as long as Fox wants to keep talking. This is something that isn't meant to be rushed, and she's in no hurry anyway. Not until the banana bread is done, at least. Before long she can see where a lot of the fear and trouble comes from, and while she keeps her silence she also wears her compassion on her sleeve, so to speak. Now is no exception.
"Oh, Fox," she says, with tears starting to well in her eyes. "Oh my dear, beloved sister. I'm sorry that you had to struggle through all those things, only to have your struggles erased to the rest of the world." She lets go of Fox's hands and leans in to hug her instead, her arms wrapping Fox up tightly. "Erased to me," she adds. "I'm sorry that I didn't know, any more. Couldn't know. That you had to be afraid of how I would react. Probably afraid all over again, since you're basically coming out to me for a second time, aren't you? Thank you for trusting me to know this, even when you could have kept silent and I'd have never known. I love the whole of you, Fox. Each part, and the sum of them. I'm glad you're revealing more parts of yourself, so that I can love them too."
Fox never does anything halfway. Never has. That's one thing that - at least - remains consistent through the alteration of memory and time by her Awakening. So when Simone wraps her arms around the Thyrsus, first there's a sagging of her shoulders, a sharp intake of breath, and she holds that breath for a long time, just... shaking. The necessary exhale is a sharp sob like a dam breaking, and then Fox just sobs. Incoherent, whole-body weeping, arms wrapped around her sister. The sounds torn out of her chest aren't entirely human - her sharp-edged cries demonstrate the overlap between vulpine vocalization and human, the way that what the Fox says sometimes sounds like a woman with a broken heart.
This, though, is cleansing stuff - this is more than a decade of self-isolation and fear, of trepidation and self-protection, just breaking free and turning into a complete and utter meltdown.
Please hold, your call is important to us. Fox will return to coherence shortly.
Simone holds Fox while she cries, and she starts crying too. Not like Fox is, but it's there when she speaks. "Oh, sister of mine, I'm so sorry," her strained voice says, speaking around the lump in her own throat. "I'm so sorry if you've been this afraid for so long."
Her hand rubs Fox's back slowly, gently. "If I did anything in the life you experienced that made you feel like there was reason to be afraid, them I'm also so sorry for that. You can tell me, if there was. You don't have to protect me from myself."
With a turn of her head, she presses her lips against Fox's temple. "Any time you want to talk about the things that you went through but I don't remember, I'm here to listen. Those experiences might have been erased from my universe, but they weren't from yours, and they're a part of you. Okay? And I want to know all of you that you feel like sharing, no matter how hard it might be to hear."
She gets herself under control, hiccupping and gasping and sniffling, and wipes a hand over her eyes and over her face. Fox will never have Wisdom 8 for lots of reasons, but one of them is the pulse of peripheral Mage Sight which follows thereafter. Obviously one of the best and most practical uses of Matter Mastery is to annihilate all of the snot from your big cry-fest. Like obviously. She rests her head on her sister's shoulder and finally comes up with words again. "It's not... it's not your fault. I was scared, but not -- not of you. Just... scared." She laughs a little, light and thready. "Foxes startle easily. It's not... it's not just playing. I am a fox, and a woman, and ... " One hand flaps sort of absently in the air. "Lots of other things besides."
A big, gusty sigh. "Mei kicked me in the butt about this. Told me it would be fine. She was right, as usual." She slowly breathes out. "I almost froze to death, the day I Awakened. I apparently walked off of a roof and fell in a snow drift. My mentor found me."
Simone cradles Fox against her once the full weight of those emotions has finished making its escape. "I know, I know. If some of that fear is gone now I'm so glad. I'm grateful to Mei, too. She was right. Everything is fine, see? You can always tell me anything."
For now she's very much happy to keep holding her sister. The oven timer will go off soon, but until then, she's content.
"I'm really glad you didn't freeze to death." She lets a little humor make its way to her voice."I kept telling people you were still alive, and if you died you'd have made a liar out of me."
A hiccuping sigh. "So many people have been talking about... maybe becoming Archmasters, you know? And ... doing scary things. And... it tore me apart when Balm left us. I loved her so much, Simone, just... just so much. And I was just... I couldn't... " Fox makes another one of those small, dismissive gestures, burying her face into the side of her sister's neck. She's lost too many people, and too many people are scaring her, talking about ascending. The thought of her relationship with Simone suffering along with all of that? An unbearable thought.
She laughs, then, a little thready thing. "Well, I couldn't make you a liar." Sniffle. "My mentor was a big bear of a woman. Just... total Russian stereotype. We just called her Medved. Lesja and I had the ... worst boyfriend who was a bear, too. Just... the worst. So I prefer to only think of Medved when I think of Orphans who are bears."
"I don't plan on going anywhere any time soon." Simone continues holding her sister, like it's the most important thing in the world she could be doing right now. For her, right then and there, it is. "You aren't losing me. I'm so glad you're telling me all of these things, because I want to be part of your life, and I want us to be close again. I want you to feel like you can always tell me anything, and whatever is coming for either of one of us, we'll face it together."
With a long exhale she admits to her big sister, "I understand the fear, though. I didn't tell you when I was starting to see things, or hear things, or started feeling like I couldn't entirely trust my own mind about what was real and what wasn't. I was afraid of... so many things, and I'm not even sure what specifically. Just that it would hurt our relationship, which it meant so much for me to get back. So I get it, and I'm sorry too."
She laughs at the description of the people Fox knew and decides to share what was so funny about it. "I'm just imagining being in a relationship with a bear Orphan of Proteus and being the little spoon while snuggling. That sounds pretty great, but the rest of the relationship still has to be good too, you know? That's not enough on its own, any more than great sex is."
She just lays on Simone for a long time, taking slow breaths and just... being present. Sometimes that's all someone needs, just to be present with the right person. "Oh. I've seen all kinds of things. But I understand why you wouldn't want to tell me. I was afraid that you were ... going crazy, I don't know. And I wasn't sure how I would tell you if you were."
"Oh, he was terrible in a lot of ways, but the snuggling was good." She puffs out a little breath. "Maybe Agoston should stay with you for a little while. Or... visit you some. You know. Because he's been with the Dreamspeakers in the Children for a long time. I'm the first non-Dreamspeaker that he's stuck around with, and that's because I looked after Balm for so long. And there wasn't, you know. Really anybody else to look after him at the time."
"I was afraid I was going crazy." Simone's laugh has enough fear under the humor that there's probably not supposed to be a past tense there. She still is afraid. "I wasn't even sure what was happening. Not at first. And then I thought maybe it was just a stress response, and that if I could find some ways to reduce the stress in my life it would stop. But things kept getting worse, and then I was trying to figure out how to broach the subject when you ended up finding out anyway."
With a quiet sigh of her own she admits, "I'd probably find that comforting. If it won't be a problem for you or for him. He should have say in it too, you know?"
"Well, next time... just tell me. Even if you are going crazy, I'll never treat you like... like there's something wrong with you. Even if there's something we have to fix together or solve together, that's not a value judgement on you." A big, noisy kiss for her sister's cheek, terminating in a zerbert.
"Oh, he already has," Fox explains with a little wave of her hand. "I... so that's something to know, actually. A familiar isn't... so. He's... he's part of me and I'm part of him, as long as he's mine. I know what he's thinking unless I don't want to, and I can see through his eyes at like... any point. I don't plan on using this to violate your privacy, but like... I will know if you're in trouble."
"I'll tell you next time. I hope there isn't a next time, especially while this time is still happening, but if there's a next time, I'll tell you," Simone agrees, while laughing because of the ridiculous kiss to her cheek. "I suppose we both need to get better at talking to each other about things, don't we? We might have both saved ourselves a good deal of headache, and heartache, if we'd just shared these things right away, instead of worrying needlessly." That makes her laugh, because, "and to think I'm usually getting in trouble because I over-share."
The oven takes this opportunity to beep, so Simone starts to extract herself so she can go check on the current state of banana bread. One thing she doesn't have to go to the kitchen to check on is whether it smells good, though. It sure does.
She gives her sister a look aside. "You and me both," she offers, regarding oversharing, and she flops back on the couch when Simone goes to the kitchen, taking a big breath in and letting it out. Eventually, though, she gets up and wanders towards the kitchen, where there is bread to be had, and more of her sister's company.
Simone bustles about in the kitchen once she's up and working on the banana bread situation again. There's not much to it beyond checking that it's cooked through, which it is, and then taking it out to sit on the counter and cool off, which she does. "Do you want anything to drink?" she asks during that process. "Or anything to eat while we're waiting for this to cool down enough to eat it? Or are you just going to Forces it into submission so that we can eat it now?" That suggestion arrives with her smile, because that seems like just the kind of thing Fox might do. Or the kind of thing she would do, if she wasn't Acanthus and wasn't terrible at Forces.
"Milk and banana bread is good," Fox chirrups, leaning on the frame of the door, "Hmmmm." She squints thoughtfully. "I mean, I wasn't going to mess up your banana bread, but I absolutely can cool it down." She sticks her tongue out, there. Puckish, as always.
"Go ahead!" Simone urges with indifference about it as she goes to a cabinet to get glasses out for the milk. "At some point I might put in the effort to learn Forces, but there are so many other priorities, aren't there? I could probably just... shunt it forward in time until it cooled down, I suppose." After setting the cups down on the counter she goes to the fridge to get the milk out. "So what's new in your world? So much of our conversations recently have been about me, and what I'm going through."
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