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Lamara
"That's something you could go back to if you wished to sleep a while, but that's something whose value is entirely up to you," Lamara reminds. "I can see why you wouldn't wish to. I know that Henevi is in no hurry to need to do that again."
She rests her head atop Titania's, and as she breathes or speaks that breath sinks into Titania's hair and caresses her scalp. "It's the concept of trying to be fully present and aware in the moment. Being consciously aware of what you're feeling, aware of what you're doing. Letting your actions be something you think about and choose, instead of reacting on impulses. I've found it to be a valuable practice, but a very difficult one."
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"I would need to sleep for the next 125 years to be able to feed on Humans again. I'm researching one of our Rites to be able to lower it for a night."
A happy wiggle at the contact to her scalp.
"Im feeling allot. Guilt regarding Amaranth. Anger. I'm enjoying this physical contact. Allot. I seem to need this sort of contact. And. More."
A lowered head in the closest she can come to blushing right now.
Lamara
"You would. It's still a choice you could make," Lamara answers gently, her tone continuing to be soothing. "I'm still not saying that you should, I'm just reminding you that the option is always there. I know there are risks in slumbering like that, too. I understand."
"Mindfulness isn't just about your emotions," the old ghoul goes on. "It's about being aware of the sensations of the body, too. It's about paying attention to your thoughts and your actions. About trying to make all of them be conscious choices, and about deciding to act, not just acting. Understanding why you're doing what you're doing, and what outcome you hope to achieve with it. It fills your world with choices, and gives you power over yourself with practice."
Titania
Titania squeezes back in the embrace. It's gentle but it's there.
"I think I understand, in essence. I can feel the sensation of you against me. The feeling as I squeeze you gently."
She does her best to smile.
"So now I can choose to remain in this embrace because I like the feel. Like the emotion?"
Lamara
"And the sensation of your butt against the floor, the slight shifting of the air from the ventilation, probably the smell of my hair products, cotton and wool, everything else around us," Lamara's soothing voice goes on. "The way your own clothing feels against your body, the temperature of the air, the floor, of me. The sensation of each second passing, the ability to feel what way is up. All of those things."
She gives a little nod of her head. "That's a choice you can make, yes. I'm not even talking about what choices, or when, right or wrong choices, just about having the things you do be conscious decisions."
Titania
She nods taking in all those sensations. Then looking her closed eyes to Lamara.
"I can see you for what its worth. I just don't tend to use my actual eyes very often. It's. Distracting from my primary vision."
Then she wiggles running her hand across the floor, adjusting her coat and hair. Nostrils flaring as she smells everything.
"Just to be aware. But why?"
Lamara
"Oh? What's your primary vision?" Lamara asks with interest.
"As to why? It helps with learning to be present in the moment. To treat the moment as the moment, and to be less haunted by the ghosts of the past and the looming specter of the future. When the process becomes second nature it can be useful as a way to pull yourself out of flashbacks, sometimes. There are many reasons why people practice mindfulness, but those are some of the reasons I started."
Titania
"Through Proteon i have a form of Echo Location."
She shares with a smile looking away from Lamara. Then a nod.
"Being present here so im not present there or worrying about the future. Giving myself more details to focus on."
Lamara
"I've always been intrigued about the idea of learning Protean." One wistful sigh later Lamara explains, "at least, enough of it to be able to become a bird, and know what flying is like."
"But yes, that's a part of it. It's a way to stay grounded."
Titania
"I do like being a bird. Though. I, prefer to fly with my own wings. Flying as a bird isn't quite the same though it is less Masquerade breaching."
She leans into Lamara with a smile. Grounding herself.
Lamara
"I've never had either experience, so I can't compare them." Lamara's arm squeezes Titania against her a little more firmly, offering some of the company that it seems to her like Titania needs. "Are you feeling a little better now?" she asks.
Titania
"I am. Yes. This is. Helping allot."
A smile at the squeeze.
"Can I ask you yet another question?"
Lamara
"Good. If I can help you I'm glad for that," she answers.
"You can ask, of course. There are some questions I can't answer, but you can still ask."
Titania
"Id be lying if I didn't say at this stage it is mostly the physical contact." She says with a touch of teasing.
"I seem to enjoy physical contact, sexual contact more than most. So far that has only led to wanting a relationship with Bones. I just want to understand my feelings on that."
Lamara
"I thrive on physical contact myself. I can understand that." Lamara laughs softly. "I probably wouldn't do what I do with so much of my time if that wasn't the case. You might have to clarify what you mean when you say relationship, though, because there are many kinds. Is it a romantic relationship? A sexual one? Both? None of those things have to be related to each other, even if they often are."
Titania
"That is a fair point."
She chews at her lip for a moment. Head lulling to the side on to Lamara.
"Romantic relationship. I have had a few nights of sex with people. But don't desire romantic relationships with them."
Lamara
Lamara leans her head against Titania's. "Is it only romantic, or both? I'm trying to get a clear picture. I understand, though, about occasional sexual encounters with no other connection, I engage in those sometimes, too, when there's the right chemistry. All of that sounds reasonably normal. What can I help you try to understand?"
Titania
Titania perks up at that because she is in fact a horny girl.
"I just. Hmm. Try to help me understand it is normal and maybe a name for it. So I'm dating Bones. But don't currently want to date anyone else. But I want to fuck others. Just. Trying to understand. Maybe with a side of not feel guilty. Especially after how one of them went."
Lamara
"Well," starts off the response from Lamara. "The term that gets used frequently is polyamory. For when you're involved with more than one person. In some cases that's romantic and sexual involvement with more than one person, sometimes it might be romantic and sexual with one and only sexual with others. The boundaries of your relationships are something you should discuss with your partners, so that expectations are known and understood by everyone involved. For a lot of people, it's not acceptable for their partners to be involved with other people. That's normal, too. For some, that's totally fine. But even then, jealous does still happen."
With a thoughtful sound she asks, "what happened with one of those encounters? And why the guilt?"
Titania
Titania nods.
"Me and Bones have discussed having relationships outside of us and that it was okay."
Then she grows tense. Her hold on Lamara tightening.
"It was with a new ghoul. One who didn't know me. She. I knew she had an addictive personality from my use of Auspex. I. Well. She pushed at me, poking fun. It was all playful but I took it personally. I made her look at my Vitae knowing what it would do. We have talked since then and are on okay terms but. Yeah. Sorry."
She pulls back a bit. Not sure how Lamara will respond to torturing a Ghoul.
Lamara
"Then I don't think there's any need to feel guilty about the relationships you've had, since you haven't done anything it wasn't already agreed was allowed, right?"
Lamara listens to the rest, however. Listens, and then makes an understanding, "ah. I can understand why you might feel guilt about that, but it's not my place to judge your actions, is it?" A ghoul, to a vampire she hardly knows? It's a diplomatic answer, out of necessity. "That would be between you, the ghoul in question, and her regnant, I think."
Titania
Titania raises an eyebrow at that.
"How would it make you feel? I'm not asking this as an Elder Crone. I'm asking this as someone who is trying to learn how to be a person again."
Lamara
Lamara sits back from Titania so she can turn to face the vampire, not a rejection of their proximity, but a need to be able to face the Gangrel. When she speaks it's in a tone that doesn't contain any anger or reprobation, very calm and measured, careful but also understanding. "I can answer the question for you, if you truly want an answer."
"If I may," she continues, "I would ask of you that you try to consider the position that you're putting me in, as well. You've already made a distinct point, in my presence, of telling another vampire that he shouldn't make the mistake of considering you to be only potentially dangerous. You're a vampire and I'm a ghoul, so there's a very distinct power imbalance between us both socially and physically. If I say something that upsets you, and you decide to slay me for it, there might very well be little consequence for you in doing so. And you're asking me to potentially do just that, to say something that might upset you."
Titania
She retains what physical contact she can.
A pause as she speaks.
"I. Sorry. That's a fair point. I do wish to know the answer though I understand your point."
Another short pause a squeeze of Lamaras hand.
"On my bond with my beast and my honor as the Whore of the Crone. No harm will come to you this night. Nor any night in relation to what you say."
She looks to the ceiling.
"I need to be reminded that my actions impact those around me. Even if that hurts on occasion."
Another tight squeeze of her hand. Not tight enough to hurt, she is restrained in her physical prowess.
Lamara
Lamara lets Titania continue to hold onto her hand. "I think it might benefit you to take time to consider power imbalances in your interactions," she says as she squeezes back. "For those who have less power than you, requests are likely to seem like commands when it isn't made clear that denying them is an option. Statements about how dangerous you are are may result in people not believing you if you tell them they can deny your requests. It will only take one time where you tell someone with less power than you they can say no, and they end up being punished, for many of them to never take you at your word again. Once that happens, you can't trust anyone with less power than you ever tell you the truth, only what they think you want to hear. This is a trap so many people with power fall into, kindred and kings alike."
She squeezes again. "You should also be aware that putting people with less power than you in these kinds of positions is cruelty. You wanted an answer to your question, and that's the answer. The position you put that other ghoul in, and the position you put me in tonight, are both cruel. I forgive you for tonight, because I don't think you intended harm and genuinely want to grow as a person, but my forgiveness doesn't make it less unkind to have done it, it only absolves you of the potential harm in this instance."
Titania
"I." A shake of her hand as she pulls it back. Breaking the contact.
"Im sorry. I simply wanted to know. I understand that it was cruel to you and to Ria."
She takes a moment to think. Her hand stroking the back of Mei. Her mouth opening and closing a few times before it stops and she looks down.
Lamara
"In my case it's a minor cruelty, and as I already said, I forgive it," Lamara says in gentle tones. "I'm not truly bothered, but I'm good at reading people, and didn't think it was very likely you were going to hurt me for saying it. I thought the risk was worth trying to help you, too. I hope you take some reassurance in that. I value you enough to be worth me taking the risks I mentioned."
Titania
"Okay. I dont wish to hurt you."
She continues stroking her shadow cat. Still looking down.
"Thank you. So, im Hyper Sexual and Polyamarous. Okay."
Lamara
"It seems like you're polyamorous to me, based on what you've said." Lamara's soft laugh follows. "I'm probably not qualified to speak on the other topic, since many people might call me hyper sexual, and I think I'm actually reasonably normal, I just have fewer hang ups than most people."
Titania
She nods. "That is fair."
Then a tilt of her head. "Can we please return to our previous physical arrangement." A chuckle. "I would quite like a hug if you would give one."
Lamara
Lamara smiles immediately again. "Yes," she says, holding her arms out in an invitation. "I can stay a while longer, if you need me to."
Titania
Titania folds into those arms. Laying her head in Lamaras lap. Then a moment of hesitation.
"Is this another of those questions that's you felt could not be denied?"
Lamara
"No," Lamara says, resting one hand on Titania's shoulder and combing the fingers of her other hand through her hair. "You asked me kindly, you said please, your tone didn't make me feel like it was an order veiled as a command. You did that well."
Titania
"Thankyou."
She says with a smile. Rolling to be looking up at Lamara.
"This is nice. Thankyou. I'm doing my best to not push away my needs. To not let how others may judge me affect my actions."
Lamara
"You're welcome. There is some value in being aware of what people might think of an action, but you can't let it control you." Lamara continues gently combing her fingers through Titania's hair. "It just allows you to make more informed decisions."
Titania
"The Elder Crone lying in the lap of a Ghoul would give people ammunition. But. This is nice. And I don't want to deny myself what is nice."
She reaches one of her hands up. Taking Lamaras hand that isn't combing her hair.
"This is nice."
Lamara
"Ammunition for what?" Lamara asks like she's indifferent to the possibility. "I don't think they could do anything that mattered with it, unless you let the things they said or did matter. And why should they? Whose opinions about it would actually matter? Saagochque? I don't honestly think the Sakima would care, or she would even be pleased, but if she wasn't, what harm do you think could possibly come of that? Would her social ostracization even matter, if it were to occur? Why? Or Henevi?" Lamara laughs. "I can promise you that she wouldn't bat an eye at this, but even if she did, the worst I think she could do to you is forbid me from seeing you again. I think the only person who could make ammunition that came from this potentially harmful is you, dear Titania, if you chose to let it hurt you."
She squeezes Titania's hand in hers. "So choose not let it."
Titania
"I."
A wiggle at the hand squeeze.
"I think your right. I'm just. I've wasted so many years on appearances haven't I?"
Lamara
"I wasn't there, so I don't know how much time you might have spent worrying on it," is Lamara's answer. "But you can't change what happened in the past, either. You can only really decide on the present."
Titania
"Well. I have decided that this is nice. For now that's enough."
Then a raised eyebrow and opening her eyes to actually look at Lamara.
"Your very pretty from down here. I. I want to ensure that I do not cross any boundaries that you may have. But this is nice and you are pretty."
Lamara
"Thank you," Lamara says, with a hint of red rising in her cheeks. A smile joins it, completing her expression. "You're very pretty, too, and compliments do not cross any boundaries for me. If you're asking for more than compliments, and than we've been doing so far, then... let me say that asking about my boundaries is unlikely to ever cross any, but I'm also not looking to take things any further than holding you and comforting you and talking with you, tonight."
Titania
Titania nods a gentle squeeze of their hands.
"Thank you. I'm still learning. I would like to but, not tonight."
A nod. She closes her eyes again turning on her side.
"You are very good at this, I can see why you do what you do. Consciously choosing my wants and thinking about how I feel. Thank you."
Lamara
"Thank you," Lamara says again. "Can I say that I'm impressed by how receptive you've been to my words tonight, too? Some of what I've been said has been things that might not be easy to hear, and you've listened and taken that information in, without lashing out at me in response. That takes character."
Titania
She smiles at that.
"I have spent a long time bitter and angry. Bones pushed me and then I saw what I was doing. To. Everyone around me."
A slight grimace.
"It wasn't easy to hear, but, it's what I needed to hear."
Lamara
"If Bones didn't point it out to you, you may also want to consider what you were doing to yourself," Lamara says, resuming her soothing tone as she pets one hand over Titania's hair and holds the vampire's hand with her other.
Titania
"I"
Hesitation. A long pause.
"What I was doing to myself?"
Lamara
"Hurting others is isolating," Lamara explains as her hand continues stroking Titania's hair. "It pushes them away, causes them to avoid you, prevents them from sharing things with you for fear it might be used against them. Isolation is good for very few people, and my experience is that it isn't good for vampires any more than humans. Especially for those who are trying to deal with the twin poisons of bitterness and anger."
Titania
"So, pushing others away was harming me as much as it was harming them?"
A pause and a smile. "Making them want to avoid me or at the most have only surface level interactions. Making me withdraw more and push away more."
Lamara
"I don't know if it was as much, or more, or less. I just know that you probably had more negative impact on yourself than you had realized." She slides her fingertips into Titania's hair and gently scrapes her nails against her scalp. "When you're talking about people who have been hurt, I think it's counter productive to try ranking their injuries. Better to simply try to address them."
Titania
"Probably."
A wiggle at the touch to her scalp.
"I think I've spoken to pretty much everyone I've pissed off since coming to town."
Lamara
"How has that gone?" asks the ghoul, continuing to gently massage the vampire's scalp after the reaction that she gets. "How has it felt for you to make those amends?"
Titania
Her back arching like a cat she smiles a gentle squeeze of the hand.
"Its gone well. It. Some of it has felt wrong. Like weakness. It's felt like weakness at the same sane time it's felt right. If that makes sense?"
Lamara
"That's a common feeling that people often need to learn to overcome." Lamara seems content to continue chatting like this, her speaking soothingly and offering reassuring touches. "Admitting fault isn't weakness, though. People make mistakes. Everyone does. Not being able to admit when you have is, itself, a weakness. And usually another mistake."
Titania
"I think I understand it's not weakness to have made mistakes but it feels like it. When."
A moment of pause.
"People. I, do you think I am people?"
Lamara
"Of course I do," Lamara answers, suddenly smiling again. "Why do you think I would see you as anything else? You think, you feel."
Titania
"Because I. Feel. I feel like a monster pretending to be a person."
She grimaces a squeeze of Lamaras hand. A hard squeeze, not enough to break anything but harder than it has been.
"I have bathed in blood and now I'm trying to be kind and apologize and. Ugh. Sorry."
Lamara
Lamara's smile only widens. "Henevi would say, if she were here, that she is most definitely both a monster and a person. I think it's true. There is a difference between being a monster and doing monstrous things. Ordinary people are capable of the worst atrocities, and monsters are capable of some of the greatest kindness. The world isn't black and white."
Titania
Titania nods listening and thinking for a long time.
"Thank you. I find some of these things so hard. I didn't realise what losing Amaranth did to me. Until it was pointed out recently."
Lamara
"That's the way things go, sometimes. Unless we really take time for introspection and retrospection, it's easy to not notice the way things are changing. In us, in others. In us, especially. We're with ourselves all the time, and the changes are often so gradual."
Titania
"Thankyou."
She squeezes Lamaras hand then slowly sits up.
"I think. That is probably enough for tonight."
There is a hint of blood around both of her eyes. The start of tears.
Lamara
Lamara squeezes back while smiling with reassurance. "Of course," she says, unfolding her legs and getting slowly back to her feet. "Are you going to be safe if I leave?"
Titania
Her voice a little shakey she nods.
"Yeah. I'll. I'll go to Bones until dawn."
Then she smiles. It's genuine if a little weak.
"Thank you Lamara. I would like to hang out again some time. Maybe a little more. Socially."
Lamara
"I think that can probably be arranged." The old ghoul smiles at Titania. "I'm glad to know you'll be somewhere safe for the day. Please take care."
She leaves, delaying only long enough to be sure that Titania doesn't have anything else to say on her way out.
Titania
"Goodnight."
She says settling back into the corner to settle her emotions before the trip home.
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