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Tahmina's office door is pretty much always open when she's in, with the exception being those times that someone has come to talk to her and the conversation warrants some privacy. Having given up her study of the Coils in order to take on the mantle of Confessor means that her nights have more free time than they might, time which she's currently making available for the needs of the local Dragons.
At present she's seated in an armchair in open view of the door, in the seating area that is the bulk of her office. Most people who come to talk to her come to talk to her, and the kind of conversations she tends to be having lend themselves more to sitting around comfortably having a chat than having a dialogue across her desk, so it's a common place for someone to see her if they happen to walk by. She's humming quietly to herself while she knits, fingers working with the expert precision of someone who has been doing this so long it might as well be as much habit as breathing, more autonomous function than conscious activity.
Guy approaches Tahmina's office, sticking his upper body in to knock very carefully on the doorframe. He looks a tad...sheepish, even though he made sure she would be available tonight for him to come by for a talk. He starts to say something then stops, instead waiting for Tahmina to acknowledge a soft, "Confessor."
"Dragon Knight," Tahmina responds with fondness as she smiles at Guy from her seat. Her fingers finish a few more motions before she sets the knitting aside and stands up, then gestures toward the nearby couch. "Come on in, and close the door if you want to be able to talk without anybody listening in." With Auspex and other potential capabilities at people's disposal there are rarely guarantees about that kind of thing, but it would certainly be a breach of etiquette to spy on the Confessor, and probably not smart to spy on a ranking Axesworn.
"How are you doing?" she asks with the kind of genuine interest that makes her naturally good at her job.
He closes the door behind him as he steps inside, and looks about the place, taking in the unfamiliar space as he makes his way to a chair to sit. "I've been...well. A little hectic lately, I guess, relatively. I've...been meaning to visit for some time."
Once he comes over to sit she does the same, returning to her seat with her full attention on him. Whether Tahmina could give her full attention while knitting or not, and she probably could, she leaves the work where it is. Nothing is there to be a potential distraction, or even give the impression she might have any of her focus on something other than her visitor.
"That's often the way of things. Time gets away from us, especially the older we get," she says understandingly. ""Some night soon' can end up turning into years and we hardly notice. Hectic in what way, though?"
"That's true enough. My time in the city has felt like...several long weeks and a lifetime simultaneously." He pauses. "Hectic because I still feel like I'm adjusting, in some ways, and because I recently came into caring for a Ghoul, Val. I found her in an alley, dying, and...gave her as much of a choice as I could."
With a short laugh and a nod of her head Tahmina agrees, "I know that feeling very well. I've been here for longer than I've been anywhere else, far longer than I was ever in even my homeland. Somehow it still feels like a new place, at the same time as it feels like home."
Her head leans to one side. "How are you feeling about that decision? About the new responsibilities that decision entails?"
"I...don't regret it. I would have...been happy to help her, and let her get back to her life, but I didn't have that option. I did offer to help her rid herself of the...side effects, so she could go back, but she decide to keep her new...condition. I accepted the responsibility the moment I offered, and that's been...good. She's a good kid, and fortunately there's been nothing romantic wrapped up in the bond for her, so...it's been good, watching over her. And she's enjoying things so far."
"It sounds like she's in good hands, then." Tahmina considers Guy, briefly looking for signs that he's perhaps deceiving himself, and unintentionally being dishonest with her as a result, but she doesn't seem to see anything that currently gives her any concern, and simply accepts what was said. "I would like to emphasize that I'm happy to talk with her if she needs it, and that my door isn't only open to kindred," she says. "Only if she needs it or desires it, though. Otherwise the matter of your relationship, whatever form it takes, is for the two of you to work out."
He thinks on that. "I think she would appreciate that. I'm not certain she'll take you up on it, but I'll pass it along, definitely."
He sighs. "And thank you. I...people have every right to be concerned for her, but it gets grating when they want to make assumptions."
"Your personal life, and hers, are only my concern to the degree you wish them to be," Tahmina offers with a smile intended to reassure. "Especially in my professional capacity. I can't help that I worry about almost everyone, always, in my personal capacity. That's simply my nature. But I try not to let it drive me to butt into business that isn't actually mine, unless I have to."
"Was that what you wanted to talk to tonight?" she asks, though with something in her inviting tone and curious expression that suggest she doesn't think that's the case.
"It wasn't...not what I wanted to talk about, but no, not really." He pauses. "I'm not entirely sure what I wanted to talk about specifically. It's been...approaching 200 years since I spoke to a Confessor, it seemed like a good idea. I know there's probably a lot I have to unpack."
"I imagine that a lot has happened in those 200 years," Tahmina answers patiently, not in any hurry to get to any specific topic, drive toward any outcome, or otherwise street the conversation in a particular direction. Sometimes starting the process of unpacking things needs a bit of a kick start, though, so she does prompt, "I also bet that when I said that, there was something that first came to mind. There are always old ghosts haunting our minds, and sometimes the strongest of them like to push their way forward whenever they're given an opening."
He smiles slightly as she speaks, then shrugs. "Yeah. I mean, I was asleep for 150 of those...I guess that's probably a decent place to start. I awoke ready to adapt, in the usual way...but it doesn't feel like there's a place in this world for someone like me. The way of Kindred in the city probably doesn't help, even if it's good. I feel like a soldier with no enemies, a weapon without purpose, sometimes. Even just mundanely, the...circle of humanity that lives in a world of violence is smaller now than it ever was, pushed to the edges."
"The edges?" Tahmina asks. "I think that depends a good deal on where you're standing, and what edges you're talking about," she says. "In some parts of the world there's little else to know. In some parts of Philadelphia there's plenty of violence to be found. But you're right, the way that violence manifests, the purposes to which it's put, its impact on the average person in many places, all of those things are much different than they once were."
"Yeah, I'm...not looking to haunt the war torn places of the world. And yes, there's still violence here in Philly. But...yes, you know what I mean. There's a certain place in society I can't even pretend to be in, that's still connected to mainstream culture. Looking for trouble requires going into darker alleys and seedier businesses, you might say."
He takes a slow breath. "I have trouble figuring out how much of my craving for violence comes from my Beast, and how much is from me. And I don't resent that feeling, but I realize I've never had this much to lose by giving in and eroding my connection to Humanity."
"I can't begin to understand all of the way you're feeling, since I've never filled any of the roles in society that you have, which are missing now. Violence has always been something I've done my best to prevent if I can, and avoid when I can't," Tahmina says, not dismissing the concerns, just aware that she can't easily put herself in his shoes. "I am and always have been a pacifist, even while I recognize there have been times my ability to hold that position has often been a result of other people not having that option, but defending it for me. I can try to help you sort those feelings out, and I will, but my ability to fully comprehend will only go so far."
She thinks briefly and then asks, "what things are you concerned about losing?"
"To be fair, for many years it wasn't like I was even pretending to be a functioning member of human society. I was low, separated from myself, little more than a hunter. It's not that I fear being like that again, it's...I'm afraid it would change how I feel about Petra. Or keep me from doing right by Val, or my friends. I'm no longer under the delusion that feeling more like a person makes me less of a monster, but...I like feeling like a person. And it helps me be their monster, and I like that, too."
"It sounds like you're finding things that you like about being closer to human society," Tahmina says. "Were there things you liked about the time when you were not? Things about that state that were comforting, or just easier?"
"It...overlaps some with the time period, but...I felt unchained. I was...bigger, and so was the night. Now there are eyes and ears everywhere, so it's a bad idea, but being that way was...living in my power, I guess you could say. Even if now I find the things I did distasteful, I could stretch and flex in a way that I can't living all wrapped up in Humanity."
"It sounds like the freedom is a part of what you feel like you lost, as well as being able to exist in a way that played to your strengths," Tahmina answers. "Which are both understandable, of course. Do you find yourself longing for the violence itself, or just the way it made you feel unchained, as you put it, to be able to act on those impulses?"
He frowns, slipping into thought. "That's...tough. The Beast enjoys the violence itself, to a certain extent at least, and like I said I'm not sure where the split is. I enjoy the rush of combat myself, I know that, but the raw violence? I'm not certain if I liked that, or just enjoyed acting on my impulses."
"You never need to have the answers to my questions now, or even share the answers with me," Tahmina assures Guy as she shifts a little in her chair, changing the way her weight is distributed. She's under the Blush of Life, and usually is so; it results in her needing to move to satisfy the comfort of her body more than she might otherwise need to. "I just hope that they give you useful things to think about on your own."
"You mentioned your feelings about Petra, and your ability to right by Val and others. Are you concerned about how it would change how those people feel about you, too? If you were to go back to being more like you used to be?"
He pauses, blinking as he considers that. "I...worry more about what it would mean if it didn't. If they felt the same way about me as I drifted into the outer reaches of the night. If they followed me."
"Do you think that they would?" Tahmina asks, a tone neutral enough to suggest she doesn't have a feeling one way or another, that she's trying to avoid pushing him in one direction or the other with his answer.
"I...don't know. Petra is afraid of and infatuated with my monstrous nature—slipping away from my humanity might make her pull back, or she'd dive in headlong with me." He sighs. "Val is bound, but if I didn't go too far for terrible reasons, she'd justify it instead of it becoming a love/hate thing. And my other friends might be concerned, but probably wouldn't stop being my friend until I was...living corpse-y."
"It sounds like you're more concerned by the possibility that Petra would follow you than the chance she might pull away, though," Tahmina goes on. "Have you ever had a relationship like the one you have with Petra? Not exactly like it, obviously, because no two relationships between different people are exactly the same, but with the same level of emotional involvement, and investment?"
"Not...one that was based on free chose. My Sire and I were wound together tightly, but it was by blood bond. Petra's the first one that was serious, committed, and long term, purely because we want it."
Tahmina nods, understanding. "Please keep in mind that these questions are all hypothetical, when I ask them. I'm not implying or suggesting anything, I'm not trying to cast doubt, my only goal is to help you look at every possibility, even if you end up dismissing them."
She lets the words sink in briefly before she starts with some more difficult questions. "Do you think some of the way you're feeling might be rooted in uncertainty, or concerns, or even fear about what this relationship is going to mean for you? How it's going to change you? What constraints it might put on you, real or imagined, imposed by her or by yourself?"
He looks down after a moment. "It's all about the uncertainty. I used to be so sure about everything, and now...if my humanity slips, what happens to how I feel about Petra? What if she keeps loving me anyway? What if she doesn't, but I recover my feelings later? What if my feelings don't change, but after losing all the human motivations they're connected to, it can't be healthy anymore?"
He takes a slow breath. "I just...can't stand the thought of losing her. Or making her miserable."
"Ah, well, that's all understandable and all very normal," Tahmina says with a reassuring smile, then a soft, friendly laugh. "I understand that doesn't make it any more pleasant to feel that uncertainty, though. Relationships are messy things because people are messy creatures. No two of us see things the same way, no two of us feel the same feelings, and any time those mismatched edges meet there are bound to be places where they snag or don't fit together. So often those places are both the best parts of our relationships with each other and the worst, and they're things we can't control. Not really. Not while still having something real."
He smiles faintly, one of his rare, genuine smiles. "Yes, you're right. There's always a moment, when she sees the...more monstrous side of me, using Protean or when I feed, when I'm not sure how she'll react. But she always embraces me, reassures me, and that...means a lot."
"The fact that no to people are really the same, and that every person you meet is a new set of interest, dislikes, dreams, desires, fears, and everything else, that no matter how predictable some patterns are there are never guarantees about how interactions will go, is one of the things that makes interacting with people so endlessly interesting. It makes love possible, I think. But it also comes with uncertainty, and that's normal."
She smiles again, full of understanding. "That can be hard when we're used to situations where we're almost always in control, because we're stronger than almost anyone else. Where there isn't so much uncertainty. Where things are constant, and confident, and stable. The question you have to ask yourself is whether the sum of all the good you get from those interactions, from your relationship, is more than the sum of the bad. I have a feeling that's an easy answer for you, isn't it?"
"Yes. Petra is the best thing that ever happened to me, in the whole of my existence, and every night with her is a blessing and joy," he says without a hint of hesitation or self-consciousness. "I love her, and being with her."
"Good," Tahmina says, because what else is she going to say about this, other than that? "I'm glad you've found that, and I hope it's something you get to hold onto for a long, long time. Have you talked to her about these feelings of yours?"
"Some. She knows how much she means to me, and that it means so much, how she reassures me. She's told me that it does scare her, sometimes, but she knows I'm still me, and that I always reassure her. I haven't...talked about the humanity thing in depth, but I have made sure she knows I want to be with her for as long as I exist."
"It sounds like you have a healthy relationship with open lines of communication. That's important, and it will help with making sure a lot of these potential problems only ever remain potential. I think it would be a good idea to talk to her about the rest of what you brought up with me, though." She adjusts the way her head scarf falls over her shoulders, just as something to do idly with her hands while they talk. "I'm willing to venture a guess that she's better positioned to help you figure out your feelings than I am, knowing you so much better."
"Probably. I didn't mean to get so deep into relationship stuff, but it's kind of woven into everything else. And it's good to get to...lay it all out, with someone not involved, even if I should talk to her about it too." He fiddles with the zipper on his jacket. "Thank you, for talking to me about everything tonight."
"As you say," Tahmina agrees. "Everything is woven into our relationships, so much of the time. It's my pleasure, and I certainly have no issue getting into people's relationship concerns with them, or even just the things they love about those relationships." She gives him an inviting smile. "You're very welcome."
"I know that's it's your duty, as Confessor, but it still means a lot to me, that's why I have so much respect for you and the office. If...you ever need a hand with something, or an ear yourself, please feel that you can call on me. I'd be honored to help."
"It is," Tahmina says as her smile grows. "But I also enjoy it. The job title only gives me some additional credibility for something I found I was already doing a lot of the time. Come by any time, and if I need anything that I think you can help with, I'll be sure to call on you."
He nods. "You've given me a lot to think about, and talk to people about. If there's not anything else you wanted to talk about, I'll let you get back to your evening?"
"I don't think there's anything on my end, but it was good to see you," Tahmina says, already reaching for her knitting. "I have something to finish for the current love of my life, so don't feel like you need to stay on my account, but also don't feel like you need to hurry on your way. My time is yours if you need it."
"I think I'll step away for now. But I may drop in more often," he says before rising. "Thank you, again, and be well, Confessor."
"You too, Dragon Knight," Tahmina answers with a smile that's all good cheer, less professional reassurance. "All my best wishes for you and Petra. Would you please leave the door open when you go?"
He nods, and steps out, leaving the door open as requested.
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