|
Johnnie was usually out late. Or- early? Sure. She was coming home just now, either way, and was sans her usual bombastic arrival. She opened the door smoothly and shut it quietly; hung up her coat and Sigknifr's holster; she slid out of her boots one then the other; and finally she went to the fridge, found a bottle of mead, and deftly wielded a mighty bottle opener to wrench the cap off before she went to sit on a loveseat in the living room, take a drink, and stare into the bottle like it held answers to questions she hadn't even asked yet.
June's sleep schedule has never needed to be particularly stable, since she's been self employed, but now that she's taken to the fire fighting life, it's possibly a bit less so. She's awake when Johnnie comes in, and watching YouTube videos on the TV. Johnnie comes in to someone saying. "Super easy, barely an inconvenience." before going on to continue describing Thor: Ragnarok in absurd fashion. With her, snuggled up, is Teagan, and June is buried under blankets sans her head and her hands, which are holding a mug of tea. She's also giggling, but stops when Johnnie comes in, to look at her and cock her head. "You all right, boo?"
Teagan's got Baby sitting next to them on the end table, and has a mug of tea themself: June made the tea, so Teagan drinks the tea. Make your 'tea' jokes now. The Mirrorskin's snickering, too, because Pitch Meeting videos are hilarious, but they also stop when Johnnie comes in, and sit up a little bit. Their hair is rumpled, and they're wearing a tank top and a pair of sleep pants, and their head tips to one side as June asks the question of the moment. Reaching for the remote, they pause the video. "Johnnie?"
It's- maybe unsettling. It's the first time Johnnie's exhibited behavioral markers of being upset without any of her usual angst making it into her actual demeanor or expression. She looks over when addressed, swaying her gaze back to the bottle, before shifting to face her lovers a bit more directly. "I- don't... think so. No." A moment to collect her thoughts, a moment tucked behind a calm, impassive expression marred by all of a tiny furrow of her forehead, perhaps of concentration.
"Everyone was constantly afraid of me when I bore more Wyrd than I now do. Or- the colloquial everyone. You know what I mean." Another moment of quiet. "Even now, I unsettle a lot of people, and I got used to that. It seemed reasonable. That it was just because I was so far out there. But now, there's- people here who are even more Wyrd than I am, and they're welcomed with open arms despite having been around a lot less time than I have." Johnnie, mind, had camped out in town for quite a while after being separated from DA.
"... I wasn't even all that Autumn then. So why is it fine for them? Why doesn't anyone look at them the way they looked at me?"
What's wrong with me, in particular?
June seems to think for a minute, then holds her cup out toward Teagan and asks, "can you put this over on the table with yours?" And then she gestures at Johnnie with the other hand, asking her to come over and join them where they're sitting.
"I don't know who you're talking about, so I can only try to make guesses," she admits. "But it's possible that you paved the way for them, maybe?"
Teagan sets down their tea and reaches for June's, setting it down too. They, too, stretch an arm out toward Johnnie, inviting her over to the blankets and the snuggles and the motley time.
"I have some theories," Teagan answers, thoughtfully. "And some of them are kind of that it's -- you know -- what June said. But come over here, and let's talk, yeah." They absently scratch their blunted fingers down their cheek. "I don't think there's anything wrong with you that is right with them. I only know one person who's like... visibly more Wyrd than you are, that I can think of, and that's Sato Rieko."
It's, briefly, a rough sell. Johnnie feels exposed, and as the Motley has seen her do with her close quarters work, her grip on her sanity, her investment in Contracts and even the way her own Story manifests her frailties, exposure to Johnnie is a trigger for shoring up. More sandbags, more distance, more practice. But. She also trusts everyone in this house implicitly, and so after a brief three way struggle between inadequacy, insecurity, and trust, the latter wins out and she flows across the room to melt elegantly onto the floor beside where they both sit, easily reached and snuggled.
"She's one. She's the one getting to me the worst. I've never seen her greeted with anything but open arms. Sometimes on screeching mermaids throwing themself into her arms, but Ziv's dating her, so I'll sort of even those out to open arms. But there's another, too, one from where Ziv's from. Violette. She looks like someone made a person from neon lighting. It's pretty awesome, honestly. But- same thing. She's brand new and people show her less concern than I got in places I'd been in more than long enough to prove myself stable and safe."
June shifts about so that she's leaning on Teagan but can drape an arm down over Johnnie's shoulder and across her chest. Not groping, just kind of holding. Settled, she lets out a sigh of contentment that, hopefully, conveys to Johnnie a bit about how comfortable she is with her, at least. June once was one of those people who was a bit scared of Johnnie, or at least intimidated or concerned, but she's clearly not any more.
"Keep in mind, again, that I haven't met either of these people, so I can only make some guesses. Is it possible that some of it is, unfortunately, superficial? That your appearance is also somewhat frightening to people who don't know better, and that you're unfairly judged for that? You do have some mystery about you, and a sense of power that's not just about your connection with the Wyrd. You're magnificent, and would probably be a force to be reckoned with even without the Wyrd. I adore it about you, but I can see why some people might be intimidated."
A deep breath in from Teagan, and a slow breath out. "So... "
And here they stop for a minute. "I don't think it's about your Wyrd, per se, the reason why people reacted the way they did a couple of years ago." Usually Teagan is a lot more, like, charging in with a machete and all, so this pause is sort of unusual.
"It's the people you were around, the environment you were in, and the way that made you act that made you ... scary. Honestly. And you were scary, and you were more Wyrd than even Sato Rieko." They absently chew their lower lip. "You were calling yourself a God, Johnnie, and you were hanging around with people who -- apparently -- thought it was a good lesson and a funny lark to literally poison you. That that was a good way to... teach you something... which, like, keeps you from accepting food even from us to this day."
"If you started calling yourself a god again, Johnnie, I'd be worried, no matter how Wyrd you were, or are. That way lies nothing good."
It's an interesting cocktail of input. First, there's the reassurance, and having June's wonderfully strong little arm looped around to clasp against her chest really was thoroughly reassuring- more so when the first thing June thinks of is "maybe you're just too much of a badass and have cool body art?" Definitely a solid primer on "let's think about what could be going on" that padded her ego and drew her into the conversation a bit more.
Teagan, of course, was incisive as ever, and laid out another possibility that certainly did explain the differences in reactions. Johnnie's hand slides up to clasp onto June's as she considers everything said. "I suppose I can see how claims of divinity would worsen the tension a touch. And-" She wobbles her head before nodding. "Yes, alright, pretty much everyone in that pantheon was a bit off balance, I suppose."
"Do you really think it'd be different if I was just as Wyrd without the God complex?"
June shifts about a little bit so she can nuzzle her cheek against the back/top of Johnnie's head, while still maintaining snuggle of Teagan. "Oh, good points, Teagan," she agrees with a slight nod, one that's mostly felt in the way her cheeks moves against Johnnie. "I kind of forget how wild things were back home for a while. You, and Calm, and the rainbow lady, and what's her name that sand dragon, there were a handful of really phenomenally powerful people who were kind of all pushing each other to be more so, it seemed like."
She shrugs slightly. "As for your question, I'm not sure? But my question would be this, and please take it as genuinely a question to prompt consideration, and not a suggestion that the answer should be anything in particular, or that you're wrong to be considering it. Why do you want to be more connected to the Wyrd? What is it that you feel is missing, that only being closer to one of them could solve for you?"
"I'm mostly thinking about the Pantheon that that... rainbow ... bitch was part of. She's the one who poisoned Johnnie, and made it so she won't take food from us, or anyone else. Fucked up Johnnie's brain and her trust." Teagan's fingers toy with June's curls, but their other hand rests on Baby's handle. No, it's fine, just casually touching the machete. "Calm wasn't a part of that Pantheon, but she was -- interesting. She had some very strange takes on... oh, everything."
Surely there's a story there, but Teagan isn't telling it. "I'm curious about the answer to June's question, yeah, Johnnie. What's missing? Or is it just that you see someone who's doing something you used to do, and getting a different reaction, and you're a little jealous?"
Johnnie makes a contented little murr noise as June snuggles closer, nuzzling in. "That's how it felt, to be sure. And Teagan's right, that was all November's doing. I liked Calm, though."
"It's-" Johnnie has to pause to hunt for words. When she hasn't got them on hand already, those abrupt, silent pauses come more frequently, like she's short circuited or rebooting. "It's not jealousy, exactly. In a vacuum, I recognize that the way they're treated is a good thing. But it peels back my assumption that it was just how Wyrd I was that caused people to react like that, which caused all that tension even with you all, and leaves me with nothing besides "there was something about -me- that caused those reactions." And as far as wanting to rebuild that connection- sans God complex- I mean."
Another long pause, hunting for the right words. "I know myself. I know how I handle my own clarity and my own power, and- barring the admittedly ill-advised dice into deification, which I still managed with more intact clarity than some I could name along the way- I do handle them well. My discomfort is two fold. There are direct correlations between the strength of my Story and my ability to stand against Them and Theirs, and leaving that blade unhoned feels... like I'm doing less than my best to protect our family, our home, and our community. And then, there's- I'm not used to- I've always had the reassurance knowing that push came to shove, there wasn't anyone around holding a bigger stick."
And, implicitly, it doesn't feel that way anymore, and She Does Not Like That.
June's arm gently squeezes Johnnie and listens when she talks about her feelings. "I want to preface what I'm going to say by stating that I'm not trying to talk you out of anything, or to convince you that tying yourself into the Wyrd more would be a bad thing, I'm just offering you food for thought." She turns her head to kiss the top of Johnnie's head. "I do think that you severely overemphasize how much a connection to the Wyrd even matters, really. How much power it actually gives you. I'd remind you that I have almost none, and I've never felt like that really limited me important ways, either." She pauses a moment. "I think that there's something about that connection that proves alluring to people, and the more they get, the more they want."
"June makes a really excellent point," Teagan says quietly. "She's the most deadly of us in a strike-for-strike, toe-to-toe fight, and I don't think any of us can deny that, no matter what. We've all seen her claws turn someone inside out. And her connection is, like... less than mine, let alone yours. I get what you're saying, but there are other ways to be better, and stronger, and more resilient against Them than just... "
"That."
"If you want to try to safely go down that road again, without the toxic influences of people who literally call themselves Gods, and actually poisoned you for funesies, and no I will not ever be getting over that and if I ever see her again I'll kill her where she stands for it I mean, I'll support you." Things Teagan says out loud today! They reach to pet Johnnie's hair, a soothing touch, and kiss the top of June's head, passing on a kiss through her, kinda.
"Yes, she is," Johnnie admits proudly. "But I don't want to do what she does, and the Contracts she relies upon to -be- that are ones that would have suited The Hunter far better than Johnnie. Handing off my blades when I shed my divinity was me drawing a line in the sand to remind me not to cross it again. I gave all that up so I could touch my family without scaring them." Hey, look, there's layers in that explanation!
"As extraordinary as I am right now, June, I would be- I dunno. Twenty five? Thirty percent? Mm. Honestly, probably closer to fifty percent, if I consider other aspects? More effective at everything I do best if I strengthened my tie to the Wyrd. I know how to apply what it offers. That's what I mean when I say it feels like I'm leaving a blade unhoned. I feel sort of like a stage blade sometimes. Sure, you could beat someone to death with one, but it's really meant to be sharp."
"And yes. There are." She leaves it at that. Teagan has already spoken support, after all. Their point was accurate and there's nothing to convince them of, so. She just agrees.
June laughs at the compliments and says, "I appreciate all of your confidence in my ability. I've worked hard to be what I am, and as capable as I am." And she has some pride in it, as she should. "It sounds like you have given this a lot of thought, Johnnie. Like Teagan, I'll support you whatever you decide to do. But also, I'd say that you should also probably not worry too much about comparing yourself to the other members of our Freehold. They're purportedly our allies, and you don't really need to compete with them. If you're always measuring yourself against others, instead of just trying to be the best you that you can be, you're setting yourself up for unhappiness." She kisses the top of her head again. "But if you want to do this for yourself, then that's fine."
"You are a long way from the woman who fell out of a tree during a nap and used to trip over blankets," Teagan murmurs into June's hair. "I was thinking about that during your Ninja Warrior performance." They trail their fingers through June's red curls thoughtfully.
"I do think, since we're talking about things that we should work on, that one of the things which has worried me has been our -- mental -- fortitude. All of us, recently, have had issues with not being able to distinguish reality from ... not. Except maybe June. And when I saw Glitch go through Ninja Warrior, like... the minute I heard the beeps counting down, I knew we were in some shit. So maybe, if you're talking about walking down that road again, Johnnie... we should talk about all of us having a sharper eye toward what's real and what isn't."
"It's easy to have confidence in magnificence," Johnnie states calmly as June basks in their adulation. "And it's not just comparing myself to them. It is, in part, feeling uncomfortable being left in the dust, but I could probably convince myself not to worry too much eventually. But like I said, realizing it wasn't me being Wyrd but me acting crazy that was causing the issues... means that I haven't mastered my personal specialties. And I would very, very dearly love to know I couldn't possibly be any better at my specialties. This would be for me."
"I- have actually been working on that already," Johnnie admits quietly. "That slip- that was the first and only time I can recall losing my grip on reality. I've been working on guarding against that ever happening again, developing my ability to ken what's real and what's not, and stabilizing my perspective to prevent kneejerk panic when things seem off. I- know June can feel if we're hurting- can you tell how stable we are, in general?"
"I think that would be a good idea," June agrees eagerly with what Teagan said. "I'm capable of helping to put you all back together, but only if I'm not also having a break with reality, and just because I can do it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Also, if I'm not around for one reason or another, then I can't help." She gives Johnnie a squeeze. "I can tell generally how stable someone is the same way I can tell if they're suffering. It's a pretty easy contract to make, if other people wanted to learn how to do it too."
|